Nigel takes the money, fantastic!

Fantastic stuff on Saturday as Nigel, for the first time in my memory took the money. Even better for David who under his new rules got to cut Nigel by an amazing 4 shots. I don't know who smiled more. Maybe each of their comments below will reveal! First up David who gives some details of playing times over the festive period.

Bit of a cock up with time bookings last week, all my fault. Dragged people out of bed to find we could not book for the Monday. Anyway, we have five times for Monday 27 Dec, three from 9:15 and another two from 10:04. Possibly a bit early but everyone should be off. Will organise next week's bookers on Monday.

A good turn out on Saturday, we managed to get a spare time early which took the pressure off only having two early times. Lily and Mark Norman were sweating for a bit on 39 points until Nigel strolled in with 40 to earn the money and wee handicap reduction of 4.

It was decided that this year's sub for the starters will be £2 per head.

Cards close to the chest from David there, two early times booked on xmas eve for those who are interested, I'll be performing calculational magic in my other role as slave to the wage.

So what did Lilly think of proceedings on Saturday?

Lily's column

Return of Lilly`s Column:

Been a tad busy the last couple of weeks folks,hence the lack of "column". But here we are again,wondering what to write,and can I remember anything about the previous 2 weeks as well?....

Apart from a "Mayonaise Moment" (see later) my mind doesn`t go that far back!

However,this week 18th Dec is still fresh.

After a horrible Friday night weatherwise,the rain and hail lashing down all night inc at 7am Sat morning,by the time Nooners assembled at 9:45 ish guess what? Yes the sun was out,no clouds,and all is well with the world !

A gap appeared on Lochgreen 1st Tee at 9:55 and we were given the nod that we could " have the slot" !!!! from Margaret (Don`t go there guys!)

So the 3 of us Early Birds (Mark,Steve B,Ross headed out and Robin was quick enough to get changed to join us on first tee.

Winter greens due to severe flooding,but who cares? It just means the holes are shorter,and if you miss a putt? It was because of the surface!!! Magic (see ,it`s all in the mind guys!)

So, after a quick toss, the Big Game is..Ross +Mark Vs Rantin Robin +Bunny Brownlow.

Hmmm,should be a close game me thinks and for those with long memories,I have a "series" running with Robin where I am ahead 2-1 in the Series I think,so all to play for.

1st Hole:
4 decent drives if you count Mark playing up Fullarton as decent,and we are surrounding the hole with Robin 12 ft away in two,and Lilly 14 ft away in three. The hole looks peculiarly large to me and seems to have a funnel round it? So,out comes the old 6 Iron and Lilly chips/runs in the hole for a 4 net 3 and the first + of the day!!

2nd Hole:
Bunny killing Brownlow,putting for Eagle, has a half hearted attempt at it but seems content to win hole with a birdie ! (10 pence for a 4 on this hole on winter greens????) All Square

3rd Hole:
Brownlow does Dam-Buster imitation in the puddles,but just happens to have his wellies with him (I`ve never seen sheep on Lochgreen but Hey,best be prepared is Steves motto)
Robins Drive was another screamer up the middle followed by a long second but 20 yds to right,a lovely chip to 2 ft and sinks putt for birdie 4 and we`re One Down.

4th Hole:
A typical Mark Norman drive out left and a long bend back to right at top of hill,a dubious quality chip followed by a 20ft cross slope putt into the hole for a birdie 3 wins the hole for The Good Guys and it`s all square!!
"Three out of four of us already have birdies",some arse hole observes!

5th Hole:
Mark uses stroke well and we are One Up (deservedly so!)

Short 6th Hole:
None of us cover ourselves in glory off tee..My good friend Steves second was a real "woosey" attempt and he was 12 ft short, Macho Mackillop for once uses his putter from 30 ft and leaves it 18 inches from hole..(Have you noticed how nice Arran is looking today gents ? with it`s white tops glistening in the sun..what a treat!)
But wait..the well known sheep abuser Brownlow sinks his putt with a smirk and (inevitably) Lilly makes a hash of his!
All square again !

Bit of a ding-dong match so far,and we`re not being held up either which is nice.

7th Hole:
First halfed hole of match
All a bit of a blur from here but at the turn Ross has 20 pts my Esteemed Partner Mark has 19 pts, Old Grumpy Thompson has about 16 measly pts and Steve The B. has 18 pts and it`s all square.
No time for whisky/bladder relief as the 3 ball behind us is starting to wait (non nooners!)
Steve continues to piss us off by sinking 6 ft putts for halfs and the next Hi-Lite was 12th Hole :
Lilly straight up middle (some would say he lacked length?!),Robin + Steve way over in trees on right,and Mark? ..well Mark does the usual tee shot,ie sets it off left with a mighty blow,BUT..it forgets to come back and he`s in deep "do-do" on the left. We decide to have a decent look for it cos he`s got a decent score going (fellow nooners take note! He Did Have a Decent Score Going!!) and we wave the three ball behind through.
We find Marks ball nestled down a bit and this gives us time to have a wee dram courtesy of my pal Steven and we relect on the Qualty Of Life we are enjoying.

Colin Baird and his two colleagues are delighted to tell us that we played the first 9 holes in 1 hr 25 mins and offers us an "afer-davit"? (written confirmation!) of this World Beating Standard.

A wee aside here: Colin and his Brother run the Copy Stop ? Graphic Design Business in Troon (Pronto Print?) which includes excellent stroke savers supplied to golf-clubs etc and were kind enough to look after my daughter for her Work Experience recently so Thanks for that Colin (I think he reads the Nooners Site) So if you have any design /graphics needs guys please support our local business !

Back to Golf

Mark succeeeds in digging his ball out of rough to 8 ft from hole and sinks putt for a remarkable Birdie (his second) and a wee Plus on the card ! Shot Of Day I reckon.

A whole series of halfed but steady holes followed.

We sensed the 16th Hole would be important as we all had a stroke and we were one up on the tee.

As Mark said "we can make them Dormant here".........which I think means go to sleep but best check with Mark..

I miss my Birdie Putt as does everyone else,so it`s still one up on 17th Tee. The speech play was getting BRUTAL by now as you can imagine.and we half the 17th as well.

So Mark + Lilly one up on 18th tee.

Four good drives,Mark sticks his third WAY over on to Darley(Infinitty) and Beyond The First Tee which upset me so much I used my nine iron third to dig up the fairway.

But ,Banana Man to the recue again his fourth is a cracker to 15 ft.

Steve B has an 6ft putt for par which they think will half the match..So,Mark puts them out of their misery by sinking his for a par 5 which is unbeatable,so Steve in a fit of gloom and despondency missed his anyway!

Lilly walks off with a seven and a suspicious 39 points!

Great Game Gents,Go Get Good Geer and Gacon Golls !

The time? Apparently 3 hrs 25 mins.

19th Hole:

Mark and Ross tie with 39 pts (Mark wins on best back 9)

Brian McD accepts an early Xmas present from Monkey of lime green Shrek hat. Nice One!

Some of us playing at 10:00 hrs Xmas Eve let forum know if joining us (two times so far)

And a Nooners Gathering on Mon 27th is being arranged...I`ve booked L/Green for 10:04 on 27th Dec.

Thatıs it for this week, Have a Great Christmas ,I look forward to slagging off the various new Golf toys in the coming weeks.

Love Lilly The Pink.

---

Nearly forget

A couple of weeks ago when my partner was Eric The Pauchle Murray we were at a vital point on 17th green on L/Green. Eric had to sink a six foot putt to save the match. As Captain, I decided to motivate him with the threat of "if you don`t sink this putt pal,you`re going to get my putter up yer a*** !"

Alan Payne quickly produced some vaseline from his pocket???? Which he said might help!

Eric replied that "actually I prefer Mayonaise!"

HE MISSED THE PUTT.

Legends are made of such events!
Monkey suggests Eric "Mayo" Murray in future

Obviously this wasn't the crucial event of the day, Nigel "Superstar" Rayner had that and tells the story of his game:

Nigel's bit

With the majority of the Nooners already out on the course, Peter Roebuck, Alan Payne and Nigel Rayner had turned up for the 11:15 slot. They were soon joined by Paul Barton. As the pairings for the 4-ball had been drawn (Alan and Nigel vs Peter and Paul) James Herriot pitches up! Paul decided to join Bill and so Peter, Alan and Nigel teed off, followed by Paul and Bill. Winter greens were the order of the day.

Off went Alan, Peter and Nigel. Something had clicked into place with Nigel as he started with three 5's which equated to 9 points. At the fourth Peter had played his second forward, to just short of the left hand bunker. Alan and Nigel both made a mess of their pitch shots and then played three, leaving them both putting. Peter managed to put his third shot into the bunker, but recovered very well indeed. After the 4th hole, Nigel had added just one more point. Annoyed by that, he kept plugging away and doubled his points tally to 20 before the group crossed back over the road. Nigel had two approach shots to both the 5th and 7th with 7 irons, which he left woefully short but recovered well enough to get down from "where he lay" with two more shots on both occasions. At the 8th, Nigel's tee shot was at the bottom of the hill and he used his 6 iron for his second shot, bearing in mind what had just happened. It paid off, for the ball flew straight at the pin and with an almighty shout of "stay out you b*st*rd from Alan, the ball hit the pin and did just that and lay about 8 inches away from the hole. Alan was then most apologetic for it was the first time he'd admitted to apologising. (He apologised for apologising, not for shouting) Nigel knocked it in for a 4 pointer and was now up to 20 points. At the turn he had amassed 22 points.

Nigel hit a reasonable tee shot at 10 and was about 25 feet left of the hole. His Texas wedge almost got Alan going again when it lipped the hole and stopped a mere two feet away. In for 3 and 3 more points. Peter had a wry smile at 11 when Nigel's dropped ball from casual water had rolled into a divot ! * ! Nigel recovered well on the sticky surface to gain another valuable point. At the 12th tee Alan produced some medication, which went down well. Peter, between leaving the 11th green and his 12th tee shot had managed to slip coming onto the tee and his left leg, from the knee down, was covered in mud! Thanks to Alan's medication, Nigel managed to add just one point from the 12th hole. At thirteen, Nige played his tee shot to the right of the fairway and chipped down to about 12 feet short of the green. Alan and Peter had both got into difficulties from the tee. The big tree on the left caught Peter's tee shot and "threw the ball" fifty yards back, down the fairway. At the green, Nigel just missed birdie and got his 4, for 3 more points. At 14, Nigel played his second shot first, and was short. Peter's flew into the greenside bunker on the right and left him with no alternative in playing his third shot in the opposite direction to the green. Peter then played a magnificent fourth shot which was most unfortunate not to go in the hole. He knocked in for a very respectable 5.Nigel also took 5, and was now up to 32 points with four holes to play. Keeping a steady head he managed to bogey the four remaining holes to come off the eighteenth with 40 points.

In the clubhouse David had the last laugh for not only did he cut Nigel by three shots for winning the kitty, in the third category handicap zone, but he also cut him another shot for getting the 40 point mark. So watch out in the New Year to see how Nigel fairs playing off his revised handicap of 15. The burning question now is, will Nigel turn up on 27th and risk winning the kitty again and getting cut before January or will he come out on the 27th and struggle?

From Nigel himself "Merry Cristmas and a Happy New Year to you all"

Pos.	Name	Points
Nooners on the Lochgreen 18/12/04
1	Rayner N	40
2	Norman M	39
3	McKillop R	39

Monkey's random - This week I was mostly snowy winter mountaineering. For any of you that know about Scotland's mountains, my brother at the tender age of 26 was completing Scotland's Munros, walking / climbing all mountains in Scotland over 3000ft, or 914.4m. So we trooped up to the top of Ruadh stac Mhor (or something similar), one of the peaks on Beinn Eighe in Torridon. A fantastic day, kinda cold, kinda snowy but an excellent experience. Needless to say on completion we got the champagne out, 2 bottles, one to spray and one to drink and then trooped back off to the pub. Excellent stuff. Here are a couple of ../photos, one of me with snowy hair and the other of the slope that we went up.

George takes the money and the trophy and the money!

The summer league finished off with the match that nobody expected, George "Jet-set" Guthrie versus Janahan "Turrets" Bala (cheers for that GW). December for the summer league? Anyway, David takes up the story. Sorry, no Lilly column this week.

Not far enough forward in the queue to get three early times so we have two from 10:15 and three from 11:28. I suggest those who went out late last week have the chance to go early next week (always providing they are there). We will have to arrange the draw without cards, for some strange reason Phil does not trust us and will only issue enough cards for the times we have. ( I wonder where we got this reputation from?) Phil did assure me that if he has any spare slots they will be offerred to us.

Time bookers for next week are S Brownlow, D Ellis, G Guthrie, I MacGruer and me.

Well the Summer League has finally been concluded. Such was the interest in the outcome that only Bala and Ian MacGruer waited for the late groups to come in. At least they left the kitty. Having arrived to find the first three groups selected and on the way I retired home to sort out the necessary for the Summer League. If we could not present the cup at least they could have thier prize money. On returning I was informed that the "committee" had decided that I should accompany George and Janhan to ensure fair play and render any adjudications. (At least that was the b...s..t put forward).

So we headed out in grey but almost dry conditions. The first was nothing special Janny in right rough, George halfway up the mound and me on the fairway, the rest does not warrant much commentary except tha George won it with 5 net 4 to Janny's 5 and we won't mention mine. Janny tried to cheer me up by suggesting, that that was the bad bit out of the way. Janny won the second, George the third. By this time we were having to wait a bit and George (who had the makings af a handicap reducing score) begins to worry about the light. " What happens if we don't get round? Can we come back tomorrow and finish the round?" When told it might be possible with the final but not with medal, he was a bit down and promptly lost the next hole. Things were fairly steady to the turn, with only one or two halves and both guys playing well and we headed to the tenth all square.

By the time we got to the 13th tee, Janny was wondering what the hell was going on, still playing quite well but all of a sudden three down. George just quietly slipped the knife in before he even noticed. Janny said as we walked down the 13th that he needed to win here as four down would be a "bit hard to get back". Janny was after some relief from a rabbbit "scrape" in the light rough did not help much, when George creamed a 3 wood to the edge of the green, Janny on in 3 with a put for par, George now 8-10 ft away with a put for 4 net 3 and promptly nails it. You could almost see the colour drain from Janny's body (I did say almost!) as he proceeded to 4 put for a 7. The 14th was somewhat of a comedy of errors, with George giving a new meaning to "playing safe". Having just hit probabaly the best 3 wood of his life, he was then asking himself if he could do it again from the top of the hill, with the aim to win the match there and then. (At four up, you are allowed to be a litlle bit confident!). To describe what followed would take too long, but Janny won the hole after an another 4 put green and 7 (keenly observed and commented on from behind) to Georges 12! The 15th was dull by comparison and a half to leave it Dormie on 16 where procedings were settled with 4's and shouts of "get a move on from the tee".

Anyway, we managed to finish the round, George won the kitty as well with 37 points and hence does not have to woryy about having his handicap reduced by Jim P. I've done it for him!

Congraulations George on a fine victory but also to Janahan for making the final a good match, played in great spirit (and no we did not drink all of the whisky!). It was a privelege to have the honour to be a part of it, thanks guys.

All that is needed now is a little photo:

Pos.	Name	Points
Nooners on the Darley 11/12/04
1	Guthrie G	37
2	MacGruer I	35
3	Brownlow S	33

Brian's response to South Ayshire Council:

See the two documents below for Brian's response to South Ayrshire.

Letter to provost.

Letter to South Ayrshire.

Wrighty shows his class - Payne shows his age!

Straight to quotes this week, first DP:

A day for the brave or foolhardy. Honest, it did not look that bad when we started. Ask Allan Payne, he was so confident of the weather improving that he left his waterproofs at home! Even with my waterproofs on, water still seeped in, so to even start without anything was slightly mad, but just to prove it, Alan finished the round, (probably thought that with 11 points after 4 holes he was in for a good score, but once the N/R's started (and there were a few), the point dried up) and came into the Bunker to try and dry off (or was it to warm up?). He's probably still trying get his car seat dry from driving home.

Not a great day for scoring, but Wrighty showed his class with 34 points to win the kitty easily and to my great disappointment, he only gets cut one. This new rule is really spoiling things!! I think, that in the circumstances, that score was worth at 40 points on a good day and we should have the decency to credit Graeme with it a cut him by 3, or at least another 1!!

We move to early an start for the next couple of months, competition for slots is keen and the office does not open until 08:15, so easy for evryone to turn out. We managed to get three times starting at 10:11 with two more from 11:25.

Lily's column

Lilly`s Wet Column- 27th Nov:

Three 4 Balls this week..and what a stupid set of 12 we were!

Before we started, the usual "the alternative is worse" was agreed,but if you took a vote 2 hrs later,you may have got a different response?

The pre-match fashion parade was a very gloomy affair as most were wearing sombre coloured waterproofs over any loud garments,and Primrose McGuire had bottled out of wearing his "lemon" (quote Tam!!) sweater.

Alan Payne surprised us by not having waterproof trousers though!

My 4 Ball..

Bala Snr + Lilly Vs Paul B + Ian MacG.

We were first out and the course was reasonably quiet (it got quieter as time/rain wore on!)

Not too many memories this week you`ll be glad to know!

Bala +Ross found themselves two up after fourth....a wee incident on the par three fourth green saw Ian miss a 2 ft putt because he was distracted by Paul doing an imitation of an Indian Rain(?) Dance .

The Fifth hole saw Ian land in a Divot for third time after a decent drive (not a happy chappy!) he played a half decent shot out which failed to meet his expectations and the ensuing club throwing was a good 20 yds or so with just a touch of "draw".

Oh,I forgot to mention Bala`s tee shot at the par three fourth....right off the toe of his iron and it scooted over toward the 15 tee!!! How he got his second on to green was beyond me ,but a fine recovery anyway.

By the sixth hole "re-loads" started featuring and on the seventh I think 3 of us had to have 2 goes off tee..paul was starting to donate golf balls to the Darley Gods in attempt to appease them and stop the rain I think!

At the turn we were still 1 up?

I was for walking in (a rare thing!) after the tenth,but messrs MacGruer and Barton wouldn`t give up in case they had to buy us drink!..so we carried on in the wet!

Ian decided to change his clothes on 12 th green....strips off down to naked top half (not a pretty sight I can tell you!!) and pruces dry clothes from his carry bag!...including a rather pretty "fuschia" coloured sweater!

Obviously inspired him and he managed to half the hole with Lilly who got a rather fine 5 net 4.

We find ourselves 1 down after 14 th hole which remained the case to the 18th tee.

Severe speech play ensued after Bala drive went astray but Lilly produced a fine low/long drive straight up the middle ("get it right up ye" was heard I think)

A dubious second by Ross saw him through the humps on left, and a bit anxious until Ian takes out a 5 wood and sliced it on to Harling Drive (Bala and Paul pratting about in the fading light somewhere)

Ross creams his third just sort of green and a wee pitch and run 8 iron (yes the usual !) saw me with a 2 ft putt to square the match which I duly accepted...All Square and a fair result I felt.

A large pot of tee for me please !

Alan Payne arrives in The Bunker freezing cold and Absolutely Soaked through !! it says something for the man that he finished at all in my opinion.

Thatıs it for this wet week I`m afraid remember we have 3 times at 10 am ish next week ..Andy will give details I`m sure.

Lilly The Damp

Ps I particularly enjoyed the comment that at one point,the only bit of Alan`s trousers that were dry was around his crotch!!!!

As somebody said "bet that`s the first time !"

Pos.	Name	Points
Nooners on the Darley 27/11/04
1	Wright G	34
2	Birrell C	28
3	McGuire T	28

Monkey's random - Well the Monkey was having a great weekend, out on the bike on Saturday morning (36 miles), cross country Sat afternoon, climb a munro on Sunday, but then it happened, CRASH BANG WALLOP, yes the Monkey's little blue mobile is lacking a wing and the bottom of the front of it. You should count yourselves fortunate to read this web-update as the monkey had a little altercation with a crash barrier on an icy corner of the A82 on Sunday. In many ways he is lucky to be here, still waiting on confirmation if the car is no more but the Monkey walked away unscathed. Be careful out there guys, it's a minefield!

Tam takes the first trophy of season!

The day after the prize-giving and a Nooner picks up the first trophy of the season, Tam took the hangover trophy with a mighty 37 points. On a points per minute basis Robin won the money, but apparently that's not how we play.

In explanation for the mysterious disappearance of one of our groups on Saturday, Jim has a bit of a jippy hip, Robin wanted to go and watch the junior fitba and the Monkey had a serious lack of clothing with him. It was a little slow up front and we were worried about getting in and saw an opportunity to whizz round a few holes, so we did. Robin had stacks of points, 27 if I remember right in his 14 holes, so maybe could have given Tam a run for his money.

Lily's column

Sat 20 th Nov....Posers Day !

The morning after the prize-giving night before..a fabulous morning with clear blue skies,a touch of frost, and Lilly is feeling the benefit of NOT going to South Beach (or Pebbles!!)

BUT,to say there were many sights for sore eyes would be an understatement! Does everyones "fashion sense" disappear on the same day?

Lilly of course was dressed in the usual Pink,but was completely out-done by several others this week.

Tam decided to come out of his closet and purchased a very fetching bright yellow sweater from the ladies section of Gordon McKinlay`s shop which obviously brought him luck as he won the kitty!

The Monkey ? what can I say Andy?...a pair of tartan pyjama trousers AND a salmon pink (it is red (well was once, honest) - ed.)tee shirt topped off by a Lime Green Shrek hat....fantastic ..I thought this could not be beaten until Brian McD tried on the same Shrek hat which looked even better than the Grey tea cosy Brian was wearing anyway.

<----- An artist's impression

Paul Barton also got into the act with an Elmer Fudd brown cordury hat with sheep-skin ear flaps.

Anyway,to golf I hear you say!

Dave Powell arrives and has a whinge about always being last out ,and promptly gets drawn in the first group!! Along with Jim Knox (frequent moaner about slow play..read on!!) and Tam(primrose) McGuire and Brian (hat man) McDonald.

Ross is drawn in second group and the Big Match is

Ross + Ian McKie Vs Mark (banana drive) and Eric The Pockle.

Having won the toss for the honour Lily suggests that he can`t see them actually getting a shot a teeing off first !!! bit of early speech play to set things up !

In the interests of time,I`ll not go through the whole game but a couple of hilites .

2nd Hole: Game in front seem to grind to a halt after second shots? And they kindly wave us through as Primrose McGuire has to go back and play another ball....so much for Oz Man going out first..some muttering about puting us under pressure from behind etc (aye right!).

Lilly just off second green in 3...walks off with 8...the green was fast ok? And this seemed to amuse the 4 ball who let us through.

After 3 holes Ian and I are 3 up though so we still have our honour intact!!

The game in front is moving along quite well and we have no delay at all inc the short 6th hole.

9th Hole: Eric sticks one on the road and it bounced right in front of a woman driver..but she didn`t notice cos she was talking on her mobile and doing her make up, at the same time as giving her passenger a quick......oops ..sorry ..I got a bit carried away there..I blame a fellow nooner who was describing events from the previous night (name with held for now!!)

Anyway we`re 4 up at the turn and we`re getting right into them about having to Drive off first again...which lasted until 12 th hole which they finally won and they start talking about a big fight-back?

14th Green : We Shake Hands ..We won 5 and 4..a right royal rodgering.

So,what can we do now to amuse ourselves? Hmm,messrs Knox,Powell,McGuire,McDonald are a bit behind are they not?

So, we put the foot down and a space appears behind us ,which is filled by a game cutting in,...oh ya beauty....we virtually sprint around the rest of the course,which seems to inspire Eric Murray (have you ever heard the phrase "never hurry a Murray "(as in Mint)? Well they won the 15th,16th,17th holes and were going to claim a close game,ie they only lost by one hole!!!,but Ian wins 18th to keep them in their place.

BUT,we walk off 18th, and the 2 ball behind walks off 18th..and where are our colleagues? Lost in combat by the look of it!!!

Seriously,we got round in 3 hrs 40 mins approx which must be a recent record for Lochgreen and very nice it was too especially as it was getting cold later on.

Think that`s all for this week

Ross

Pos.	Name	Points
Nooners on the Lochgreen 20/11/04
1	MacGuire T	37
2	Roebuck P	34
3	McKie I	33

Aird's handicap reduced to something more sensible.

Annual St. Meddans Smoker

See the forum for arrangements for the smoker. Latest arrangements are that we are meeting in the Loft at 1830. See you there!

David says little, Ross makes up for this! DP first:

Obviously getting out of bed early works for Steven, on not too pleasant day, with a chilly wind, he took the kitty with 35 points. (Some extraneous discussion in his absence about whether the correct handicap was used), but nevertheless the hatchet has been wielded and Steven is now cut to 10. Not bad for someone who in late summer was lamenting the fact that he had not ever won the kitty. Keep it up Steven, we'll have you into single figures soon.

Lily's column

Lilly`s Column 13th Nov.

A fine bright sunny Saturday morning and Lilly feeling great as The Nooners arrive. With no mid-week golf during the winter,it`s amazing how much I look forward to the weekly Nooners gathering.....the sunshine is a real bonus!

Four 4 Balls PLUS the Early Time for Tam,Steve Aird,Mark and A.N. Other.

My 4 Ball? Bala Snr + Bill G Vs Peter + Ross.

We tee off on schedule which is unusual.

1st Hole: Peter hacks his way up the left,Ross on green for4,but Bala and Bill (The Two B`s) are just short of green in two..Bill kindly puts his third into bunker(good man),but Bala mis-hits his third so badly,it doesn`t QUITE reach the sand and it balances on lip of bunker! Lilly points out that thatıs his first bit of luck..and Bala responds by chipping to two feet and sinks putt for a par 5 and they go one up.

2nd Hole: Peter does a classic hook (H.O.D.)..it crosses 17th fairway and reaches semi near Marr college,BUT he creams his second to edge of green..a lovely recovery. He chips to 3 ft with a chance to draw level.....which sqeezes past hole for a half (ouch).

3rd Hole: Long delay,and Bill G does his third good drive of the day and gets his Birdie..2 down.

4th Hole: We`re all short,but a classic Lilly 6 iron chip and run to 2 ft sees easy par three,but Bill The Bugger spawns in a 6ft putt for the half. Ever think it`s not going our way Peter?

5th Hole: All safely over The Canyon, Bill visits gorse (heh-heh),Bala goes to beach as does Lilly,and Peter has 3ft putt for 6 net 5 to win hole...which he misses and we remain 2 down...

6th Hole: We scramble half

7th Hole: 3 of us in trouble..Boring Bill G up the middle (again) Half

8th Hole: After good drive,Bill hits sand on left,he comes straight out and sadly goes into bunker on other side (heh-heh) But (of course Bala steps in and we go 3 down)

The 2 B`s are dovetailing like a couple of rampant homo`s on heat,and the chances of "us" getting to tee off first is looking more remote all the time.

9th Hole: Bill,Peter and Lilly are on green in one,Lilly shaves hole and gets easy three..Bill puts his stiff tho` and we half hole (Peter gets 3 as well of course)

3 Down at turn and Lilly has best Stableford pts of group at 15 pts !!!!

If Bill had even an average short game he`d be miles ahead,but as Lilly points out,Bill`s short game is quite simply SHITE.

Peter? As a Captain your Crap...your fired! Bring on the Speech Play I say!

10 th Hole: Bill slices his Drive....what a pity..never mind! BUT after some accurate ball spotting by me,the Jammy tow-rag finds it and we half hole!

11th Hole: Peter gets 5 net 4 and We Win Hole........wonders will never cease!

12th Tee: Bala sacks Bill as Captain much to Bill`s surprise (just cos they lost a hole) looks like their teamwork has had it !!

Peter gets lovely par three but Ben Gunn flukes a three as well Still 2 down.

13th Hole.....what a fine hole the 13 th on Darley is !!

Ross creams a drive just short of burn,a good second just short and right,a chip to 9 ft,with a tricky downhill cross-slope putt....which I sink with a smug "YES" 1 Down.

14th Hole: Lilly slices Drive but plays a nice second safely short of burn as does everyone else.

Bala`s third hits bridge and comes back up fairway!!

Lilly`s third is to right of green and does a crap 4th with much swearing about being such a shite golfer leaves a 20 ft up-hill putt....Which I Ram Home (Yes!!)

All Square Guys? You see it`s all about teamwork chaps oh and great Captaincy!

15th Hole: oops spoke too soon? Peter in trouble on left,Lilly of "The Valley" after two and Gunn The Grinch is on green in two...but wait Ross takes out his trusty 7 iron for a pitch and run up the hill and it stops 2 ft from hole.

A half ensues..Phew

16th Hole - Bill uses my ball on green to stop his second from over-shooting !! and we both get 3`s

17th hole - Bill is 2ft from hole in three and Peter is just off green in two and thirty ft from hole...looks bad ? But my Partner (Peter The Great) chips it stiff for the half. Brilliant stuff Pete.

All square on 18th Tee....which is as it should be is it not?

18th Green: Ross is 10 ft from hole in 3,Peter is 20 ft from hole in 3 and Old Ben Gunn is 2 ft from hole in three!! Bala ? oh he`s in greenside bunker on left in 3,and he decides to Putt it out?? 4 shots later he picks up !

So,after all that fight-back and speech play,it looks like Bill is favourite again.

BUT my Hero Partner lines up his Putt and Rattles it in for Birdie....Bill`s 2 ft putt suddenly doubles in length before his eyes and isn`t that a slope we can see? Oh and watch out for the sycamore seeds that lilly has placed in front of your Ball Bill!!

BUT......he sinks it and the Match is a Draw!

Great Game and great fun and a fair result!

---

Bunker Banter

One of my Brother nooners spotted in Pebbles on Fri night......name withheld..for now.

Next fri night is St Meddans Smoker...we are meeting in "The Loft" at 6:30 on wards.

See you next week on L/Green guys...I did once win Hangover Trophy.

By the way ,I am surprised that Wrighty had my Crown on last weeks column? Can I remind you that I am STILL the Summer League Champion!!!

Lilly The Pink

Pos.	Name	Points
Nooners on the Darley - 13/11/04
1	Aird S	35
2	MacGruer I	33
3	MacGuire T	33

Monkey's random - While you were moaning about the wind being a bit chilly, the monkey was running up Tinto Hill in Lanarkshire. I am crap at hill running, really awful, but it is the most fun you can have in the world ever! Second only to bungee jumping for a rush (and less in control). Definitely a reason to be fit!

Macguire cut by one, he quite likes the prospect!

A more eventful day in the summer league than the winter league, well it is November after all!

Annual St. Meddans Smoker

David has a comment or two to add on Saturday's play:

Bit of confusion with the times next week. Eric might think his face is well known, but not well enough. As he did not ask for a Nooners time he was given the first time available, i.e. 8:40. There were no such problems for the other bookers and we have four times from 11:14. As it turns out Steven, Tam and Mark decided that they could use the early time and book a time as well.

Time bookers for next week are S Aird, S Brownlow, T McGuire, M Norman and DP.

The second semi-final has finally been played with Janahan proving too good on the day for Steven. So it is George and Janahan for the final. Will it be played before Xmas?

Having missed the previous week with some lame excuse, the course would have to have been closed to keep me off it. Such determination is seldom rewarded. Wet to start and while it looked for a while that it might improve. It didn't! Nor did the golf. However, with Ian MacGruer needind four hits to reach the 16th and 18th greens gave one some comfort. Tam's 35 points was enough to take the money and a one stroke reduction. Not sure if the new rule is a good idea, as there was no hint of concern at playing off 2, just that steely grin that says " I can still do it from that!". How am I supposed to cope with that? Spoils all the fun.

We have also a new philosophy developing, where instead of waiting for the green to clear before teeing off, we now wait for the group in front to clear the tee. Hence allowing more time for a cup of tea and a wee chat. This way you can keep a nice clear fairway in front of you, and the rest of the course queued up behind. I will say no more.

Graeme's notes

I was the spectator in the eagerly anticipated semi final - Jani(terets boy) v Stephen Aird.

The conditions were horrid- rain, sometimes heavy and a breeze of differing strengths.

Stephen was quickly 3 up, making 6 for 5 at one for a half, a 5 at 2 for a win, bird at three for a win and Jani lost his ball from his second shot at four to leave Stephen 3 up. They halved 5 and Jani won 6 with a good three, the same three that the Wrighty got.

Up 7 and Jani lost his second shot gifting the hole to Mr Aird who was back to 3 up. Jani banged his second shot at 8 in to two feet for a 3 and a win. Stephen won nine with a four and they turned with Mr Aird 3 up and with four strokes to get. My money is on him. Jani wasn't playing his best golf through the front nine, and he had been away from the game for four weeks.

Back nine: I am thinking to myself that the game is probably over at this point. Stephen is making the odd mistake but is tending to come straight with a par and winning it back.

Jani makes a good three at ten to Stephens four and wins the hole-back to 2.

At eleven Stephen makes a right pigs ear of it and Jani finds himself giving a stroke to Stephen and still having three putts for it, and he used them.Back to 1.

Down twelve and Steven blocks it miles right, so far it was on the 13th fairway. He killed a second short and chipped on. Both the Jani and the Wrighty hit it long a straight. Jani pulled a 3 wood left and also hit a good floppie over the bunker to about ten feet. They both 2 putted and with Stephen's shot it's back to 2.

At thirteen as series of bad shots from all competitors sees a half, Jani making four with a six iron second onto the back and 2 putts and Stephen making a brilliant up and down for four. Still 2!!

Again 3 very mediocre drives with Stephen left and Wrighty and Jani right.Jani just missed giving a Bunny crushing lesson to Brownlow. Wrighty hits a huge 5 pin high right and Jani tries to follow suit, but comes up short. Stephen eventually takes 6 to Jani's five and its back to one.

We tee off at 15 after some irate remarks from some of our Senior Nooners in the group behind, something about slow play.

Sufficed to say this was a bit of gamesmanship from one of them, trying everything in his power to protect his £5 wager with the Wrighty. I lost the money and the victor spent his social time in the bunker showing a reading 10.5 in the smugometer.

However the main point of there comments was taken on board and we sprinted in, leaving them in our wake!!

So, back to the golf, both players halved 15 in four and off down 16. Stephen's driving was becoming a bit inconsistent. He snapped it off 16 and Jani and Wrighty hit it long and straight. I think at this point that Stephen no longer believed he could win. He was one up going down 16 with a stroke at 16 and 18.' You are in the box seat' I told him.One up and stroking at 16 and 18, give me that situation any day. He managed a 6 off a very poor drive and Jani made a great up and down from 80yds for a birdie 4. All square and all to play for. As a spectator this was a great duel.

17-They both hit good long tee shots into a strengthening breeze. Stephen pushed his second shot right and Jani was short front in two. Jani hit a majestic pitch to about 2 feet and Stephen pitched to 6 feet. Jani holed and Stephen missed.

18-If Stephen makes 5, with a shot, he wins the hole and goes back up the first. 18 was playing long and we all hit great drives.Stephen hits his second first and goes for glory. Duffs his 3 wood effort and puts too much pressure on himself. Jani crushes a 3 wood and leaves himself a wedge on, which he manages. Stephen eventually makes 7 to Jani's five and the game is lost. This was a brilliant game to watch. There was a great back nine from Jani(17pts) and a little bad luck for Stephen, who eventually lost belief in his game. Credit to both players for their gamesmanship.

So its Terets boy v G. Guthrie in the final.

Thats the story of Sat, a god awful day made slightly better by watching these 2 battle it out.

Pos.	Name	Points
Nooners on the Lochie - 6/11/04
1	MacGuire T	35
2	MacGruer I	32
3	Bala J	32

Monkey's random - Not much doing this week, just a short race in Dundee (ish) and really not exciting or long enough to tell you about.

Aird takes money but Nigel runs him close!

Let's see, Darley... Nigel... stellar scoring?!? Well apparently it all came together on Saturday, playing with a new putter and his modified swing (which has impressed many) Nigel managed to string a score together. Ross takes up the story below but let's hope that Nigel keeps it up!

Annual St. Meddans Smoker

Lily's column

What a fabulous day for golf! No wind,sun in the sky..only downside being that our course for the day was Darley but hey,we can`t have it all can we?

The first group of 4 were just sneaking out when I arrived (feeling a bit worse for wear!!),and that left Nigel,Jim Pennington,and myself,when we saw Paul turn up on his posh Jaguar!!

I went to hurry him along as we were due on the tee,and he left the car in a bit of haste,but when he got to Starters office,he realises he`s forgotten his season ticket....no problem Paul,I`ll get you a card..you get your ass on to the tee....which he does!

He then realises he`s left his Specs in the car ,so won`t be able to see his ball!....he suggests we play as a 3 ball,but we`re having none of it....so he dashes back for his specs.

Balls in the air...Nigel+Ross Vs Jim +Paul.

3 of us drive off while waiting for Paul..who gets to the tee a tad flustered and does the inevitable..duffs it off the tee!!..followed by another duff and much swearing (certainly didn`t need his specs to see the ball !!!)....but he eventually makes a decent contact and we march up the fairway with a 3 ball of women glowering at us from behind !!

Jim P wins first hole with par 5,thanks to Lilly`s first putt from twenty feet going twenty feet past....the greens were fast OK?

By the third hole we`ve caught up with the nooners in front.

Pauls first tee shot, a BIG slice ,hits the road by the school,and by now is simply going to follow the road until it runs out of steam..Re-load...straight into bushes in front of tee....lost ball! #*!#**!!!!

Fourth Hole Par 3..Lilly pulls his into bushes on left,but a remarkable shot from the undergrowth sees me 6 ft from pin...but I 3 putt from there to get a Five...The Greens were fast ok?...and Jim P wins hole with a 4 !!!!

Grand Canyon hole...nae problem.and we all make it over..Nigel and I both get 5 `s to win hole...Nigel is playing really well off the tee..long and straight.

And before long he pulls back the game to all square.

Bala kindly leaves rusty nail on 9th tee,which Lilly ignores due to pounding head and feeling of nausea (Gentlemans charity dinner previous night !!!)

Nigel putts well on 9th and we`re one up at turn...my captain is a star,and he has 19 pts to the turn (I have 13 and feel lucky to have them)

Not much to report from here in..Nigel keeps driving long and straight,and his new putter going well to boot,:Paul starts to play well also,in fact Ross had a decent back nine as well..

N+R were 2 up for most of rest of round...a couple of really great putts on 13th by Nigel and Paul kept the match close.

Shank Of Day on 14 th ..Jim P having cleverly laid up to burn,Shanked one into burn at angle of 80 degrees from that intended...a cracker..

Nigel continues to play well and walks off 18th with 37 points and he`s carried me well (I have 31 pts)

N+R have won the match!..oh happy day!

Jim P was tiring a bit by 15 th or so (he has a hernia and is due an op) and says he might not be playing 18 holes again until he`s had his op....which the old bugger has planned for the winter !!!..Great to see (hear!) him back though!

Looked like Nigels kitty until Steve Aird waltzes in with 38 pts (inc 2 birdies!)

A fantastic day for golf..(.and not too bad for a Wedding for Daves Daughter as well I guess?)

Make mine a Diet Coke please.

Despite the sore head ,a most enjoyable day...and you know...I never hooked once..perhaps I have the answer!!!!!

Regards

Lilly

League bunches at top - or is it lonely at the bottom?

A fine October day, no wind at all (unless on a bike when there is always wind) and a good turnout of Nooners. Slightly suspiciously a number of groups came through and then a two-ball, not knowing these weren't Nooners I assumed that maybe the Bunker was having an impact on card selection, thankfully not and there was a two ball stuck behind the Nooners... nice work starters!

Annual St. Meddans Smoker

Story of the day

DP takes up the story of the day, Lilly was missing, so read this one slowly as this is all you're getting:

Saturday turned out to be warm and sunny with little wind, proper greens (although some had been tined) and not too slow, meaning there was not much to blame for not getting a good score. A few of us managed to achieve a reasonable score for the first time, which means it has suddenly become crowded at the top. Or is it lonely at the bottom?

A good turn out saw four four balls on the course and 40 points should have been easy, but "Fabian" managed to confine himself to the perfect 39. It was a shame to have to cut him again, but rule are rules!! (Does that sound sincere enough?).

Nothing too exciting about the golf which was mixed but Tam and I managed to combine good front and back nine to send messrs Roebuck and Knox to the bar for the food and drink. There were a few problems with the game in front, as they kept on being too close to Tam's second shot on a couple of par 5's. The first I have to admit was my fault, as Tam was waiting wide on the left on the 7th with close on 300 yds to go (pulled his drive and shaved the shrubbery), he asked if I thought he could reach. Based on the evidence of some of his shots on previous holes I confidently advised "no chance". Whereupon he creams a 3 woods perfectly into the midst of messrs Payne, Thompson, MacDonald and MacGruer on the green. Tam was not slow in apportioning blame when we caught up on the next tee, I can tell you. Doing it once was bad enough, but the feat was repeated on the 18th (not on my advice, he took the decision all on his own this time!!).

I have to warn everyone that when (because it won't be if) Tam gets the new putter working it's going to be expensive on the birdie front. He only managed to nail two out of about 6 and one that he got was a missed eagle on the last. The other misses were either lip-outs or just shaved the hole, so be warned.

We have also been aware of Phil Nethercote's recent performances and despite the warnings, continues to perform. Unfortunately for him, Jim Pennington has also noticed and cut him to 15. Talk about ruining the head Nooners fun!!! Wrighty has been deputed to acting Head Nooner next week, I have a little matter of daughter number two's wedding to attend to.

Times next week are split, two at 11:14 then two more at 11:50 and finally one at 12:30. (we won't mention which booker could get out of his pit in time!!)

Monkey's random - A weekend off for exercise for the Monkey, just 50 miles around rural South Ayrshire. After seeing you guys I cycled up to Irvine and back home to complete 50 miles on my bike. Just to show that I am far from invincible (or fit for that matter) fell asleep in front of the telly in the afternoon.

I would say one of the advantages of not playing golf is that I see far more of Grandstand, the week before it was ideal, saw the NZ vs Aus RL test from Auckland, this week... Darts, oh well, guess you can't win every week!

Mark Norman finds out the rules for 2005, well he will go and win!

The day looked a lot worse than it turned out to be. Darley on such a day often brings dread into golfers but this is the nooners and there wasn't a golfer to be seen amongst them! Mark Norman who turned up for his first foray into the winter league found his chances ended for the year. David tells some more and then Lily gives a full story.

There is a form to fill in on the St. Meddans web-site news section for anyone wishing to attend the smoker. You only need to sign up once, whether it be in the clubhouse or on the web-site, just make sure that you are there!

Considering the weather when we were the booking times it turned out to be a pretty good day. Shame about the temporary greens, although a few of them had not drained, but the bleak start scared the visitors which meant that there was a clear course in front of us. It was a bit scary sitting in the Bunker at 4:00pm with all the necessary completed. Don't remember the last time we finished that early.

Welcome back to Mark Norman, who just pipped Phil Nethercote by a point. (Don't worry Phil your time will come!). Despite the protestations, I only applied the rules for the handicap reduction. There was a suggestion of an extra stroke for the manner in which he eagled ther 14th. I was definitley tempted, I can assure you.

Lily's column

13 of us (inc Brians guest Neil) turned up for the Darley on Sat, and after a horrendus early morning of rain/wind,by the time we Nooners arrived at 11:30,the rain had stopped and all was well with the world.

A couple of us have up-graded our "old bangers" (and we`ve got new cars as well!) so the conversation was at a higher level during the pre-match banter plus Alan P and Robin were absent which always raises the tone a bit!

The general place was very quiet..skool holidays etc and no large visiting groups and the course was deserted in front of us.Winter greens in use. So,a quick round was on the cards....one 4 ball and three 3 balls....So,we send out the 4 ball first !!!! I know we have to do this in case others turn up but it does seem a bit daft?

Anyway,in the first 4 ball are...Brian + Neil Vs Mark N + Ross.

PRIOR to going out Lilly points out to anyone who would listen that as the course is empty we cannot be accused of falling a hole behind !!

First Hole...spend time looking for Marks ball on right..good start then!

We win first though.

Second Hole...Brian looses his second shot into bushes ,refuses to N/R this early and goes back to play another....3 ball behind trying not to look hostile !!!

We win hole

Third Hole: Halfed

Fourth Hole; Ross hits a lovely 7 iron to 4 ft past hole..Brian in trouble on left,Terry in trouble beyond normal green..and We Wave Game behind through !!

We win hole 3 up

Fifth Tee: Three ball in front now (Bala/Peter/Steve B)..Peter has 3 goes at clearing the "Canyon" and we notice he is using some peculiar tee he has obviously seen in America..you can always rely on our Peter to come back with some gizmo or gadget from the States to keep us Nooners up to date with the latest technology.

This one was a tee peg which lies at a forward angle to launch the ball....into the canyon as it happens...but you can see the theory.

It was suggested he stick to using the the wee shaving /pubic brush things that give so much pleasure in future !!

Anyway,the 3 ball gradually "pulls away" (to coin a phrase) and we`ve got the next 3 ball breathing hot air on our necks .

We decide to let them through on the 8th fairway,which was a good move cos we could enjoy a relaxing dram on 9th tee.

The score? Well we were well up to say the least.

I`d have to say that we were actually moving along quite well after the fourth hole.

Any real howlers? Apart from Brians riduculous hat selection..initially the Bill+Ben Flubbalob hat was superceded by a Tam O`Shanter he`d bought for Ireland, he had a couple of poor tee shots and a few real belters. Neil was playing steadily enough,and Mark was playing very well..19pts to turn and when he screwed up,Lilly was there to step in.

Real hilite was Marks 14th hole; he pulled his tee shot way left towards 10th fairway,but found it in the rough to left of the bunker..the old Norman Bend must have brought it back a bit!! Picks up his 5 Iron which clears the burn,two bounces on soft ground and it rolls into the hole for a 5 Pointer Eagle Two !!!!! Nice One Partner....unfortunately,we `d already won the match and they refused to play "The Bye".

So,not a lot of golf to report, Mark won the kitty with 38 points,and gets cut two shots to 13 already !! Looks like he`s ejaculated too early again!

Our 4 ball took 4 hrs 10 mins which included letting 2 games through,but the three balls got round in 3 hrs 15 mins..so they were desperate for kitty drink which Bala Snr kindly ordered up for Mark who was fighting with the Bunker Bar due to a raw beefburger being served (Ugh!!) No kitty chips appeared? Don`t know whether to slag off Bala or Mark or The Bunker for this aberation....

Nice to get home at a decent time of day and even nicer to get the Old Pink Jumper on again..won`t see you next Sat. I`m afraid....Chianti Calls !

All the best

Vino Rosso

Monkey's random - Marathon - Long Hill race, what next? Shrek takes on Stirling duathlon. This baby is a shorty for me, 6k run, 23k on bike and then 6k run. I think I'm still tired from my two previous week's racing and had a nasty one. Highlights of the day include swearing at a traffic warden who clearly couldn't direct traffic for pennies and busting a wheel on my bike with 10k to go, 10k with a buckled wheel makes it very difficult to cycle, believe me!

Anyway, here is this week's photo, check out number 121, no I don't have grey hair, it's a trick of the light.

Slasher Powell cuts half the players in the league.

On a benign day a good score could have set someone's league campaign well away, a 38 to take second seemed like a possibility, a 36 would surely not see a player cut... apparently not. Murray / Wrighty / MacGruer and Brownlow were all caught out with 36 points early doors. The only man to benefit (apart from happy slasher) was Eric who took his first Nooners kitty. David takes the story further below. The amended Winter League rules will be added to the site this week when I get a moment and I'll try and remember how I do the results at some point too!

Everybody watch out and sign up for the annual St. Meddans Smoker, details in the clubhouse and on the St. Meddans site when I can be bothered to get my finger out!

An interesting afternoon in the company of messrs MacDonald, Nethercote and Payne. The match was fairly even with little excitement until we reached the nith tee. Phil put his drive nicely down the middle, Brian steps forward and pushes his drive beautifully down the centre of the road landing in front of a car going the same direction and into the gardens. Up steps big Al, after the comments about Brian's drive had settled, with Brian suggesting that he "be careful", and produces a perfect reproduction of Brian's drive. More mirth and sympathy. We will quietly glide over my failed attempt to follow the other two onto the road by landing in the bushes. Needless to say Phil won the hole with s few shots to spare.

For the rest of the round the golf was relgated to second place by some interesting "senior moments" and aberations in decision making. The first moment occurred on the twelfth. Big Al hit a good drive (for a change) with his blue Calloway ball, Brian not so good but not in real trouble. Brian puts his second in the left rough, hits provisional (a Hogan with red marks), Al puts his second short of the green (two decent shots in a row. Wow!!). After a period of failed searching for Brian's ball, we all head for the fairway to continue the hole. Big Al walks up to the first ball on the fairway, looks at it, moans that he thought he might have reached the green and hits a reasonable chip to about 6-8ft. By this time Brian has reached the other ball and pointed out that he had almost reached the green and that he had just played his provisional ball. Let's face it, a Hogan with red marks is very similar to a blue Calloway. Isn't it? Big Al finishes with a 7.

Now you might think that having played the wrong ball that htis would concentrate the mind a bit. Wrong! Fourteenth hole, Brian behind the trees on the left, Big Al on the eleventh fairway. They both make their way to the green from opposite directions, but not near the hole. Big Al walks up the first ball on the green and putts it, by which time Brian reaches the other ball to discover that it was a blue Calloway. He had done it again!! Nobody was too sure of the original position of the ball, Brian reckons it was aleast 3-4 ft closer (my sympathy was beginning to ooze again, tough!). Brian was now starting to get a little paranoid about Al's obsession with playing his Hogan ball, so he got rid of it. A perfect push over the tress and into the gardens of the fifteenth tee. "See if you can play that one", he cried. Al gets the hint and leaves Brian's balls alone for the rest of the round.

While this was going Phil Nethercote was quietly going about his businees of winning the match (unfortunately successfully). However, once this was achieved, he must have got down wind of Big Al and breathed in some of the leaking brain dust. Just through the back of the sixteenth green (in three), but hampered by a sprinkler head. It was agrred that he was entitled to relief, one club length either side. Now to the casual observer, it was apparent that the area around the sprinkler head sloped, to the left was uphill, the right downhill. Phil decided that the grass on the left looked better and dropped his ball, at which point gravity took over and took his ball down the slope, coming to rest nicely behind the sprinkler. Obviously, Phil was feeling left out and did not want Alan to feel lonely.

The last two holes seemed tame after all that had gone before. But Brian was still wary of Alan, put drive on eighteen over on the Darley from where he lost it.

Lily's column

Lilly`s wee bit: 8th October.

A fine day for Lochgreen on Saturday and 15 Nooners plus One Guest (Ian MacG `s pal Terry) arrive,so 4*4 Balls..what could be better? Not a lot !

Ross + Charlie B Vs Ian + Terry.

I remind Charlie how crap he played as my partner last week,and I expect better things of him this time..you`d think I`d know better by now wouldn`t you?

So, The Rodgering begins at the second hole,when Ian chips his third to 18 inches and gets his birdie.S.O.D. ?

We go two down on 4th when Chas AND Ross fail to convert our 4 ft putts for 4`s against Ians par.

5th Hole Lilly and Terry (19 h/capper??) both stroking ,good chance to pull one back we thinks/..aye right ! after 2 good smacks,terry chips into 1 foot (S.O.D.) and putts for the 4 ..net 3 which is too good for me...3 down..it`s not our day Chas!

Minor caber tossing at 7 th tee (Ian) gave us hope for a while and Charlie wins the hole.

I DID enjoy the 9th hole though..Terry`s drive on to road,re-load and he hooks one left,it follows the tarmac path MILES onto Fullarton, which cheered me up..however Ian won the hole and we go to the turn 3 down....Captain Ross sacked and deservedly so !

Brian MacD had kindly left whisky on tee which was most welcome.

Another S.O.D.by Ian here ! his tee shot is right of green with bunker between him and hole and a bare lie..a fantastic/brave chip to 2 feet and he sinks putt..nice one Ian.

4 down going into loop.

Ross hits trees on right at Eleventh but bounces back onto fairway!

Ross hits trees on left at twelfth but stays in amongst the beech nuts..(I`d have been as well staying with the squirrels for all the use I was being to Charlie)

We come out of loop 3 down and they win 15th and the match.

OK £1 on "the Bye"? of course agrees Ian..Chas not so sure though. But,Ross and Charlie are stroking on 16th so must have a chance?

Four decent drives a good second from Ross and he`s sitting nicely with 8 iron to green....Ian sticks his second to within 4 foot to set up Eagle (S.O.D.)

Ross sticks his 8 iron nicely on green to say 12 ft for three net two as well ! hey there`s a golfer in there somewhere!!! Ross putts to 2 feet past hole,Ian JUST misses Eagle putt but gets his THIRD birdie of day....AND Lilly the chuffin` useless pink misses his putt to loose hole....not my day (Sorry Charlie!)

We half 17th with Ross contributing(shock)

18th Hole: Terry the Smug uses his stroke well to half hole....and we loose £1..stupid bet really ,but kept the game going at least.

Think I Pulled/hooked/duffed 14 Tee shots....thank goodness not Darley!

So,I withdraw my abuse of last week Chas....you`d better read it ,honestly,what`s the point of me writing this stuff if you don`t read it?

19th Hole: Terry (The Health Freak) orders Black Pudding Role WITH Fried Egg (which will go nicely with the Chips + Cheese) and lights up another fag....and downs a pint of Guinness....his body is a Tempest !!!

Ian has 36 points but so do several others INCLUDING our Eric ( The Pauchle),who wins Kitty on best back nine....First Time for Eric..Well done!

Make mine a red wine please.....Ugh! Blossom Hill (Bad End to Day)

Enjoyed the 4 ball fine though..see you next week on Darley!

Lilly

Monkey's random - So, a marathon wasn't enough was it? After putting my body through last week's abuse a gentle 3k x-country on Saturday (not gentle at all) and then a 16 mile hill race around all the Pentlands on Sunday. This race took in all of the Pentlands, Caekerton (the hill at the dry ski slope), Carnethy, Black Hill amongst others, 6200 feet or the equivalent of 2 sea-level munros, a time of 4 hours might not sound bad but I was only about 10 places inside last of the 170 person field. What fun hill running is!

Brian takes win early doors in league

Well who would blow their chances in the first week of the league? It turns out it would be Brian on a day when there was a fair possibility that under the stipulated minimum to cut (32 points) could have won. David takes up the story of the first semi-final in the summer league between George and Tam:

Summer League 2004 Semi-final

It is not very often that you get the chance to be an observer of real drama and a struggle to survive. I'm not sure how or why the groupings were drawn, as it seems odd that one of the highlight matches of the Summer League gets relegated to the back of the bunch. Did anyone care? Did not look like it. So it was Brian Mac and me as markers for the first semi-final.

To begin with, I was more engrossed in the position of the four-ball than how George and Tam were getting on and for the first few holes Messers Guthrie and MacDonald were hot, with pars no problem, leaving Tam needing birdie just for the half. A couple of lip outs, an out of bounds and an unplayable lie in the first few holes left Tam four down after five holes (the errant ball duly despatched to the shrubbery with the putter). At this point I started to pay attention to what was going on. (Unfortunately, I did not keep a record of each hole, which might have made this a bit easier).

A long putt from off the green for a birdie on the sixth steadied the ship a little for Tam, but wins were hard to get and George was still two holes ahead at the turn.

The pressure was building and the determination of both Tam and George was clearly evident. Not in a nasty way, but here were two men that wanted to win, both were trying to win, and yet they still able to join in the odd bit of banter. Tam was trying to figure out what to do with his putting and George was trying to figure out how to maintain concentration, knowing that any error would be punished by Tam.

On the tenth George pulls his tee shot way left, almost to the edge of the fourteenth fairway and to Tam's dismay, puts his second on the green, Tam is short. Another one gets away. Tam gets par on the eleventh without touching short grass until landing on the green. George, having just missed the shrubbery on the left, puts his second into the jungle on the right. Back to three. A pair of four's on the next meant George was back to four up. George pulls his tee shot into the shrubbery on thirteen, ditto with provisional. Find first one, unplayable, chip sideways etc, etc and it's back to three.

Tam creams a monster drive on fourteen but a bit right ("You'll be fine", I assure Tam), George puts his in the heather on the right. George finds his without problem, but Tam's is nowhere to be seen. Threats of toys and prams mingle the air! A convention gathers as the group in front joins us going the other way. At which point the ball is found, suspended in a gorse bush! Tam surveys the situation. "Do you think I can get it on the green?", he asks, but chips out for a five to George's six for half.

George gifts Tam the fifteenth by going from the sixteenth tee across the green and back down the hill. Back to two. Tam feels he needs to birdie the last three to have a chance. George, trying hard not to make a mistake, makes a mess of sixteen. Tee shot short, chips through the back, leaves downhill putt short then slides the next one past to finish with a six. There's only one hole in it.

Tam takes the conventional route to the seventeenth green, George prefers a stroll through the long grass. Tam putting for par, misses to give George the chance of a half, which is duly accepted. Dormie!

Eighteen. Into the wind, which by now seems even stronger. Tam pushes his drive high and wide right, George pulls his into the bunker (How the hell did he manage to hit it that far?). Need to find Tam's ball (losing with an N/R not an option),. George duly obliges. Feeling extremely noble and sporting, almost dislocates his shoulder patting himself on the back. Mixed fortunes progressing to the green. George tries to lose his ball in the rough, has to hack out. Tam on green in four, George at the back in five. Two putts each and it's all over. Tam totally shattered. George not sure what to do.

For me, it was a privilege. Two men who never gave up, who were prepared to help each other, who could still enjoy a joke. It was a shame that someone had to lose.

What about Brian? 22 points going out and threatening to create havoc coming back until a couple of lost balls slowed his gallop. (One search recovered five balls but not Brian's). Still he managed to take the kitty with 34 points. The less said about my game the better, although I did manage to par 12 and 18. Oh well!

League Rules

David also has this to say on this year's league rules:

The lack of any response to the two proposed changes to Winter League rules, leaves two options:

1. Assume silence is acquiescence and implement them or
2. Assume silence means nobody cares and change nothing

I am working on the basis of the first option and propose to amend the rules accordingly, unless otherwise persuaded.

---

Results

Pos.	Name	Points
Nooners on the Darley - 25/9/04
1	MacDonald B	34
2	Wright G	32
3	McGuire T	31
4	Woods N	31

Lily's column



Lilly`s column: 2nd Oct:

3 Groups out this week-1st 4 ball : Alan P + Eric Vs Charlie(Ex-Smoker) + Ross.

1st Hole: Eric looses ball after one stroke to declare the earliest Nil Return possible!

2nd Hole : Alan putting from the edge of green (in a wee bit of rough on right) somehow Tops his putt (almost missed ball!!) to slope of green and back it comes two foot forward of original....

Charlie tries to put Drive out of bounds on right,Reload and repeat (happens a lot that doesn`t it?) but finds first is in play somehow? But manages to screw up rest of hole anyway!

Lilly sinks a nice 10ft putt to go One up.

3rd Hole:

Lilly on edge of burn,Alan IN burn...Lilly sinks 10ft putt to win hole...2 up

4th Hole:

Lilly gets his par 3......that`ll be 3 up !......Charlie is putting on weight since he stopped smoking isn`t he?...My shoulders were certainly starting to ache!!

5th Hole: FUF arrives on Lilly`s shoulder !!!! Into grand Canyon again!

6th Hole: Eric out of bounds.

7th Hole: No way Lilly can drive over all that "stuff" in this wind! So I go to left back up 6th fairway....so wise ! Alan say`s "wot a whimp" and sticks his straight into the crap! Heh-heh!

However,I top my second into heather which negates any benefit! BUT ,Charlie B to the rescue gets his Birdie 3.....quite an achievement on such a windy day on this hole.

9th Hole: (This is good!)

Charlie pulls his tee shot to large gap on left,thins his second across the green and into Sahara desert bunker on right! Manages to come out ok,but it crosses the green again! "Is that in the other bloody bunker ?" asks Charles....No,but it`s got potential says Lilly (It`s on far edge about 2 ft from sand) YES, he plays it straight into the bunker (we`re all pissing ourselves!..he has a couple of swishes,and decides to pick up...A Classic!

And he`s still not smoking...well done Chas!

A bit of a blur for a while I`m afraid

Erics tee shot on 12th was pretty dire....12 ft forward off heel.

13th Hole saw Lilly put his second right to front edge of water...wondered about playing it a la Jean Van Der Velt? Can FEEL Alan praying I do! So decide to be wise ...again!

Alans tee shot on 16th? Straight into bushes on front of tee!

Alans " " " " " 17th? " " "" "" "" "" "" "" "" !! Shake hands Lilly +Ross Victorious......they refuse to play £1 on bye after our Superbe Drives!

All in all an enjoyable day`s golf with plenty of abuse all round !

19th Hole !! Paul Barton has to join us as rest of his 4 ball has gone AWOL.....a bit odd?

Semi final group come in and judging by Tam`s face ,it hasn`t gone his way?

Sounds like George had one of those George Days.....Tam had 18 points to the turn....and was 5 (yes five!) DOWN.....

That`s all from me ...nuff said

Lilly

---

Monkey's random - Monkey ran the Loch Ness marathon on Sunday, 3 hours 45 was a big improvement (20 minutes) on his first attempt at the nasty distance but not quite as good as he should be doing. Luckily they put the race photographer at the 17 mile marker, so you can appreciate the full pain of the day:

Head Nooner shows class!

Last week of the summer league and in a format now adopted by both codes of rugby in England and Aussie Rules football (who may have used it first), the Minor Premiership is over and we're onto the championship! Tam, as predicted some time ago topped the league with other qualifiers being Steven Aird, Janahan Bala and George Guthrie. George managed to qualify off just 18 matches compared with the other players in the top for who had played a minimum of 20 matches.

Special mentions in this year's summer league go to:

• Tam - an average of 1.7 points for each game played comparing with his nearest competitor of 1.38 points per match (George)
• Neil Woods - a 100% record in the league (but not included in the former stat as he only played 2 games).
• David Ellis - for averaging 34.88 stableford points throughout the league (not including the prospective 47 points in St. Medds Open) and yet still managing a mid table slot.
• The Monkey - who would have thought that the Monkey would have had the top average stableford on the Darley but his 3 rounds seemed to do the trick, a respectable 33.33 for a non-golfer.

Back to play on the last Saturday of the Summer League and DP won. Odd this, given that next week anyone that wins will be liable to get cut, so clearly DP wanted to take some money before he might have the possibility of cutting himself. DP staved off D. Ellis' as even with his slashed handicap he can still produce the goods, 40 points for the 8 handicapper.

David with his observations as follows:

The semifinals of the Summer League can now be confirmed:

T McGuire (1) v G Guthrie (4)

S Aird (2) v J Bala (3)

Another good turnout, but if people thought it was slow in the front groups, then feel for the guys that went out at 13:00, over five and a half hours!!!!

Ross and I were drawn together, so I'll let him fill in the good bits. However, a minor miracle occurred, with the Head Nooner finally getting a score (40 points) before the end of summer, just managing to pip David Ellis with a better score on the back nine. Despite a modest 9 on the 6th, viiews on which might feature in Lili's column. Needless to say that Lili and the Vet (sounds a bit like a song title) were soundly thrashed by George and me. Even had the pleasure of someone (Lili) almost "pleading" for me to three putt the 18th to save them the £1 on the bye (might have been £2 if we had sunk our putts on th 17th!). Good to see Gabe out on a Saturday again, hopefully there might be a few more appearances, two a year is hardly impressive.

We did manage some sensible discussion on Winter League rules. Suggestions are:

Quorum - "For any Saturday a minimum of two league members will constitute a quorum. On any other day e.g Bank Holidays, New Year etc a minimum of six league members will be required for the scores to count."

Handicap Adjustments - "Winners handicaps to be adjusted along similar lines to the club competition divisions:
First Class - cut by 1
Second Class - cut by 2
Third Class - cut by 3.

Adjustments to be applied under the current scoring rules."

Views to be addressed to the Forum.

Lily's column

Lilly`s column: 25th Sept:

David + Goliath (aka George) spank Bill +Lill !!

Just the 3 times at 11:30 and 13 nooners turn up...Newest nooner (Phil Nethercote) does the decent thing and drops back to 1pm times..Thanks Phil.

Our 4 ball is in the third group..Ross+ Bill C Vs Head Nooner + George G.

Should be a close game..the two biggest bandits in Ayrshire are split and paired with the two biggest "grinders" of the nooners!..one sensed that speech play could well play a part.

Ross, who has been Driving /hooking to excess of late, found himself on the green in 3...was still 9 ft from hole in 4 having over hit AND off line walks off with 6 and Dave P gets 5 to win hole..George played on Fullarton and Vet hand his hand up some innocent I suspect?.

Ross putting for birdie on second from 8 ft....misses to 2 ft...misses again for 6 ..aghhhh!

Driving going well tho` !

On 5th Hole Vet decides to check out any injured animals on the railway line and despite my par 4,George Smiley smug faced git uses his stroke and Vet +Lill find themselves 4 down after 5 holes.

6th Hole sees first appearance of F*** Up Fairy on poor old Daves shoulder..heh-heh...a visious pulled 6 iron into serious gorse on left of tee..a real beauty which deserved a full blown "guffaw" ...he reloads muttering about hearing a ball landing behind him?????? Lilly brushes Daves shoulder under the guise of removing the fairy,but Dave fails to spot that I was in fact super-gluing it in place!! And he sticks it in bunker on right of green...3 swishes later he`s still in the bunker..three of us holding our sides/lighting cigars etc but we commiserate with his 10 ..Ross gets 3 by finally sinking a 2 ft putt...back to 3 down.

7th Hole....BIRDIE for Lill beats Daves boring par: 2 down and the charge is on!

8th Hole back to 3 down?

9th Hole Vet having been advised to remove his hand (not just his finger) sinks a good putt for half......and decides to sack his Captain!

We`re all Driving and playing very well actually and the "needle" is increasing nicely.

Into the loop..with captain Collier in Control ..we go 4 down on 12 th hole !

But Lilly wins 13th with a rather nicely executed 4.

14 th Hole: This is it Bill....now or never..Vet sticks his Drive back on 11th Fairway...come on Bill..your playing like a 19 handicapper!!!...Lilly on green in 2...Oz git does the same as does George who gets his 4....feeling confident Oz git sinks his 15 ft putt for birdie..Bloody Hell ! David +Goliath giving it High 5`s etc and generally being immature/un-sporting etc..Lilly lines up putt..don`t be short ! Smacks his putt so hard that it bashes into back of hole,jumps 4 inches in air,and stays in !!!!! oh happy day..get it right up ye!

15th Hole....Powell is way short on right,George is in jungle on left, Ross does a lovely tee shot which somehow found sand on right..grrr...Powells spawny second bounces on lip of my bunker..bugger..and stoats on to 15 ft....and he sinks it..to win the match 4 +3....Arse beats clarse eh?

After George sticks his tee shot into trees on 16th ,Ross suggests we play £1 on " the bye"...Vet decides to follow George!..Ross looses his second near Gabes garden..and we`re one down again.

We half 17th and Loose 18th......well Done guys a good game played in all the wrong spirit with dropped balls during backstroke/rustled bags/etc etc.

Nice to take birdie money off them though....oh and Thanks for the Rusty Nail..loverly !

Dave has 40 pts ,George has 37? (Bill and I have 32) so obviously we brought out the best in them.

Ross

Another week, another set of split times. Through the summer a couple of letters have been sent to the council and this week's debacle has lead to Brian putting finger to keypad. See the forum for the transcript of Brian's letter.

Phil takes them all for a Ryde-r

As our boys were out in America giving the Yanks a good stuffing, the Nooners were out on the Darley generally stuffing up a round of golf. Well there you go, for those of you who read my brief remit for this week I said that I would give full coverage of the Ryder cup and there we go. Well done to the Europeans, good to see one team against 12 individuals.

With everyone back it was time to do battle with the Darley, the wind was apparently too much for some.

David with his observations as follows:

Not a bad turn out for a pretty grim day. Not quite as windy as last week, but just as hard. Phil Nethercote took the kitty with 38 points. Find it hard to believe that his handicap is 20 (might be a sorting out for the Winter League).

Not much worth to report on the golf. However, the FUF was busy everywhere, particularly with Ross (at the 5th), but it must have got tired of him because, having gone quite well for 12 holes it decided to give me good going over, finishing 8, 7, 8, 3, 7, 8, and only one lost ball. One was not a happy bunny, I can tell you.

It's the last week of the winter league coming up but it looks like the top 4 might be already sorted.

Lily's column

A Blustery Darley Day: 18 Sept.

The Nooners gathered as usual for the ritual 20 min late start and hands were shaken in cammeraderie following on from Forum banter re Slow Play.

Rantin (Rovin) Robin decides to play in first group..and no-one is going to object are they? And he is joined by Steve Aird, Nigel and Charlie B.

Ironically Lilly,Bill G,Norman W and Paul B are drawn in 4 ball behind !!!! oh ya beauty! plenty of chances to hurl abuse at the game in front.

However,the course was painfully slow again and with delays on every tee until approx 10th hole.

Hi-lites of our 4 ball? My Driving continues to cause me grief and my opponents much mirth! With hooks/tops at 3rd(one in gorse,one in river Ganges) 5th (2in grand canyon),10th,14th (hit deck 12 inches behind ball),Darley really is tough if you can`t get it off the tee isn`t it?

I found myself 4 down after 5 holes to Norman,and he was talking about targeting a 6 and 5 victory which I thought was a soft target at the time! However ,I did manage a wee recovery and we finally shook hands on 16 th ..6 and 5 !!! I wave my putter at your 6 and 5 !!

Paul had a few classic moments.including at 8th when he hit the pin 4 feet up pin to kill the pace nicely and damage the pin and stop 5 ft from hole,he the "smashes" his putt so hard it bent the hole..it`s oval now,and the ball stayed in hole!!! Oh yes and he was stroking so wins hole... grrr (by the way it`s Bill+Lilly Vs Paul + Norm)

Par 3 12th saw Bill G hook first tee shot further left than I`ve seen before,reload and repeat ..classic. On same hole Paul thins one onto front of green and Norman plays a golf shot to front of green....Lilly does a heavy draw/hook to left heather..BUT, does a miraculous lob wedge to 15 foot and sinks a real smirk wiper to half the hole.

Norman second at 14th actually managed to BOUNCE over the River Nile..I mean right over,not even on banks!! I ask you, wot is going on?

Anyway the 4 ball was close all the way,mainly thanks to Bill although I did make the odd contribution and it took us to 18th green to claim victory..a good close match,with some real scabby golf,but great fun all the same.

B.L.T. and pint of Lager please guys!

Ross

End of Day 2....More to come!

A lonely day on the Lochie

While 9 nooners were out in Ireland using phrases such as "tap o' the marning" and "potato", a further 9 (Nooners and non-nooners) turned up and played in the usual times. Some would say that they went out there and battled the wind, 40 miles on his bike and the monkey actually knows what battling the wind is! Jim Knox picked up the money by default, scoring a meagre 32 points. Wrighty scored 31 with 4 blobs, impressive!

Janahan and Ross have agreed to concuct a report on the Irish trip by the end of the week on the Irish trip and all the shennanigans.

David with his observations as follows:

Five times next week starting at 11:28. (Special mention to the Vet who either slept in or forgot that he volunteered to book and to Big Al who got around to checking the website on Saturday morning to learn that we were short of bookers, but did not go the Forum to see if anyone had volunteered. At least he got the fifth time).

Bit short on time to do a commentary. It was a pretty tough day, but my hat goes off to Tam (aka Hotlips) who despite the nightmares on the green (must have lipped out at least 8 or 9 times and had about a dozen putts of around 6ins), remained remarkably calm and kept the putter in one piece and never "lost it" once. Very impressive.

Another special mention goes to Bill Gunn who insisted on playing a match and found Wrighty as someone who he hadn't yet played, what happened, he only went and lost. Maybe don't be too insistent on playing matches in future Bill!!

Wrighty gave a full report on the day, many thanks:

Anyway, Sat, no shots of the day, and as for a report-----EFFIN WINDY AND WET!!!!!

I think that may well sum it up!

Only other incident of note was Alan and his disregard for anything written down in the rules. It appears that he plays what suits his game best. David asked Alan is he had a copy of the rules when they got back to the clubhouse, and Alan said, "Yes, there is one in my bag", David responded that he might want to check it for one or two things. Nothing too serious to be fair and certain committee members who play with the Nooners sometimes certainly didn't hear anything!

Calm after the storm.

After last week's Nooners madness it all calmed down a bit this week, Jim Knox taking the money with a meagre 37 points on what looked to me a nice calm day (but then I was somewhere totally different so what would I know!).

David with his observations as follows:

Things are hotting up at the top of the league. Unlikely that Tam can be caught, however the minor placings could be interesting. Much could depend on results from the Irish trip when several matches will be played.

Jim Knox won the kitty with 37 points on a painfully slow afternoon, just under 5 hours. There were times when the view ahead was more akin to ramblers than golfers. Few highlights on an afternoon strewn with 3 putts and the FUF in attendance most of the way round. Must have lost the way on the 4th where three of us all sank 10-12ft putts, mine for a very welcome 2. Shame George had to spoil it later by getting one as well.

Lily's column

So, after a dullish early morning (well it was at 7 am ,when some of us were booking times for next week,) it was brightening up nicely as we gathered for our weekly self harm session.

Our chosen venue was The Darley,and the White Tees seemed appropriate on a windy day it was agreed.

In Erics absence (think I succeeded in offending him last week!) I decided that it was only right that we indulge in some serious card "pockeling" to ensure I got a game against Bill Gunn,and as Tam (The Great One,who must be revered and held in awe after his performance last week) and Alan Payne (The Old One ,who must be verbally abused at every opportunity due to his jokes)also needed to play Bill,it was felt only right and proper that we go out first.

Tam + Bill Vs Alan + Lilly.

Yet again we have the New Driver bit..Alan has rejected his 8.5 degree loft Driver for one with 11 degrees,but still has a HUGE head !

As Alan Drives off Charlie comments that it sounded like a tin can..and as it`s black we decide that he`s been sold a nice shaft with an old can of Guinness on the end!!

After an ENORMOUS Drive at first,Tam finds green-side bunker with second (bad lie).

After a hooked Drive,I cream a five wood,level with Tam`s Drive!!! And play a fine 7 Iron into green-side bunker (nice lie).

I manage to get "up and down" for 5 and we half the match.

2nd Hole Halfed:

3rd Hole Halfed: (Lilly found sand!)

4th Hole Halfed. Now,up to this point,the pace was fine,with only minor delay at 3rd tee: However,on 5th Tee,the Swedes in front had not even teed off when we arrived.

The conversation inevitably took a down- turn here!

It was suggested that seeing as The Swedes can come over here and spend 5 hrs abusing our golf-courses,then it only seems right and proper,that we should get the return flight back to Sweden and spend 5 hrs doing the same with their women! Those of us who find 5hrs a tad excessive could stick to "pillaging" though!!

Oh,it`s time to Tee off again....guess who arrives on Lilly`s Shoulder? Yep, F.U.F.:

A "hooky" sort of Drive somehow dips through a bush at far side of "Grand Canyon" and the Top-Spin allows it to keep going through the bush and it ends up on left side of fairway..well..I deserve it....The group behind didn`t seem to think so though! Perhaps the Darley Fuck Up Fairy ain`t so bad after all?

I stick my second into edge of a gorse bush on right,decide I can play out with a nine iron and enter trees on right of green,which I decide I can play out of with a nine iron and delicately slide the ball into the bunker....3 swishes later,and two putts I walk off with Nine and a good score in tatters. (I hate the F.U.F.)

6th Hole: Lilly finds sand on left.

Alan LAUNCHES one straight down the middle and actually matches Tams Drive....I nominate this for Shot Of Day. I have honestly never seen Alan hit the ball as far before.(afraid he balls up the rest of hole tho`)

However,I do a decent 7 Iron out of sand and susequently creamed a 3 wood to front edge of green...a 6 iron chip and run (Tam`s favourite!!!!) and I sink putt for a 5...net 4 to win the Hole.

7th Hole...into wind!

Lilly snap-hooks one into gorse and down a HUGE rabbit hole. (If I was Steve Brownlow I`d avoid that area for a while if the size of a rabbit`s hole is linked in anyway with the size of the rabbit..anyway,enough of rabbit`s holes and back to golf)

Tam +Bill blast away safely,Alan does another big one..but goes right and looses ball!

I take a drop and "Cream" a 3 wood up middle....only to find sand on right..grrrr.

We loose hole ..all square, despite me putting my shorts on while they were putting (the art of games-man ship etc)

Have you noted how much sand I`m finding? I was starting to winge about it by now!

8th Hole: Another crap drive from myself into bushes in front of tee! Can`t seem to shake off F.U.F.

9th hole: I pull my tee shot...Alan yanks his so far left he joined the communist party!

I find mine,and ever so delicately,chip on to green..and off the other side..and YES..into the bloody bunker....now,I`m not an angry golfer,but someone was just taking the piss here!!!

So,on 10th tee,we`re 2 down in the big game and I`m one down to Bill.

I have hit sand on 6 out of 9 holes and I`m Driving like a complete wally!

10th Hole: We win

11th hole: Tam + Lilly both snap hook into burn/bushes on left .

12th Hole: Halfed in 3 Tam misses two..it`s just not happening today for Tam.

13th hole: We win..all square! Tam declares he Hates this bloody golf course which cheers Ross up a bit!

14th Hole: Tam lets one rip down middle....as does Lilly..Alan gets the old Guinness can connection again and we never find his ball .

Tam sticks his on green,Bill similar,...Ross sticks his right in middle of river Ganges!!

On 15th tee Charlie B is spotted gesticulating with his hands from the group behind which I think I may have mis-understood (turns out he felt the Swedes in front were clear of green by the time we teed off!!)

We Win 15th thanks to a wee chip and run up the hill and Tam has lost the plot .

16th Hole: They win with easy 3. They`re One Up .

17th Hole: Alan decides he is going to get as far as Tam +Bill....aye right! Tin Can Man blasts it into gorse at front of tee. Lilly has decent Drive and a pulled 6 Iron to left of green...wait for it...yes..chip `n run to 3 feet and sink putt for par 4..BUT Tam having done an Enormous Drive (sheer temper!) he is in a divot (steam coming from ears etc),but he sticks a wedge to 3 ft and sinks putt for his only Birdie of round....match over 2 and 1.

I go Dormie one up against Bill.

18th Hole: After a delay to allow Swedes in front to walk/play second shots and they were waiting for green etc (Please note Charlie B.!!!!)

Bill decides it`s deperate times and tries to blast a 3 wood....and narrowly missed Harling Drive....Lilly nice and safe up middle..Is that the birds singing?

Bill lunges at another 3 wood from rough,gets underneath it and it goes 20 ft up and 10 ft forward!! Lilly bashes a straight one to just short of green and a par is achieved.

So,Tam +Bill win Big Match, Bill beat Tam,Bill beat Tin Can Man,and I beat Bill in yet another close game between the pair of us.

Funny old game.

19th Hole: Very busy. Tam rejects his scrambled egg role on the basis that liquid doesn`t stay in a roll..

Jim Knox wins kitty with 37 pts (hard luck George,you were so close with 34)

Comment is passed that this weeks kitty looks a bit unpleasant as it has huge amount of £1 coins,a couple of 50p`s and even some Coppers (Due to Man from Oz!) : This example from "our leader" inspired a frenzy of activity with certain individuals taking out £1 coins and putting IN 50p`s,which led to people taking out 50p`s and putting in 20p and 10 p`s and even stooped to 5p`s,2ps,1p`s.....by the end of the frenzy,the kitty must have weighed a ton..certainly enough to drag down Jim`s shorts (don`t even THINK about it!)

Summer league getting interesting ..Tam looks pretty safe, and there are a few of the usual suspects circling around.

Next week is Nooners Irish trip...we`ll see if we can bring back some old cans for Alans Driver....To be sure!

Lilly

Ps Think I owe Alan an apology as I think I forgot to pay for my half of beer `n sandwiches...so.....sorry Alan ! Is that us even?

Cheers Ross, quite a length of column this week.

Onset of Winter - Andy that is!

Janahan brought one of the opposition into the fold on Saturday, Andy Winter from the Welbeck. Andy, a 9 handicapper (or 10, but that sort of thing), promptly shot a 74 to take the Nooners money on his first outing. Other Nooners took part in the St. Meddans Open, more on that later.

David with his observations as follows:

Eric was kind enough to draw my card in the first group again, the only problem was that he drew "Sneaky" Charlie and Bala Senior (aka "Black Ball") to play against me and Jim Knox. If you looked at the points scored (36), you'd have thought "Sneaky" had played well. The truth is "Black Ball" carried him most of the way while he accumulated points. Unfortunately, we lost 3 and 2, despite my efforts to convince them that it was Dormie. Never mind, eh!!

So that was the first group, what happened in the other groups and the St. Meddans Open, read on to find out.

Lily's column

Darley August 29th August:

Well,12 nooners and 2 "guests" did battle with the Darley this week (serious golfing nooners on L/Green in St Meddans open)

A long delay on first tee proved to be a sign of things to come,but at least it was dry...if a little windy!...and we were off the yellow boxes ,so at least something was in our favour!

Two four balls were drawn (cards held by me) and we managed to stop Eric (the sleight of hand) from "pockeling the cards",but despite this he still went out in the second group.....I was in a three ball out second last!

Some bad behaviour on first tee was spotted though.....Eric creamed his Drive and it sailed past Bala Snr who was patiently waiting to play his second by the humps.....great Drive Eric.....your reputation is growing...impatient/card pockling/...what do you mean you`ve only pockled the cards Once? Look if you`ve shagged One Sheep you`re a "Sheep Shagger" right?...not that I`m suggesting you are,but you take my point don`t ewe..sorry "you".

So,back to golf....our 3 ball Phil (20 H/cap??) Nethercote and his pal Russell had the dubious pleasure of my company for the next 4 hrs 40 mins.

A game of "skins" was agreed and we shamed Phil into only having 18 strokes for the skins game..but 20 for s/ford.

Not too many real Hi`s/Lo`s to report.

The game in front featured Wild Rover MacDonald who hit a lovely Drive at third and subsequent VERY near Eagle,but easy Birdie which I felt I should mention.

In our game,we were all playing well,(with Lilly in the front!) I birdied 7th hole against a hurricain force wind which I enjoyed,and after 8 holes I had 22 points.

As we walk to 9th Tee we became the third group on the tee !! ie almost a half hour delay! So,it gets chilly (wheres my pink jumper gone?) and concentration deserts me,and guess who arrives? Yes F.U.F.!!!!!.....tee shot to bunker, two to get out,and a 6 results...Blob.

So,it all became a struggle from then in,and Russell and Phil gradually pulled me back.....both managed a birdie and they both played very well.

Both ended with 39 points to my 34 (Nil return in 18th) with Russell on for the Kitty on best inward half.......he said it would be embarassing to win the kitty as a guest....I assured him nobody would mind so long as he never showed his face in Ayrshire again!!

But,wait,behind us a serious game was going on!!

Jannie Bala and guest (Andy?) were giving Gerry a good rodgering,and Andy walked in with 41 points to steal the kitty....I felt a public flogging was required tho` as on the 7th hole Andy`s second shot was missing the green on right,and his ball actually struck Russell on the back...when we were on 8th tee!!! not a "fore" was heard and we even pointed out which rabbit hole we`d hidden his ball in.

Think thats all for this week,

see you next week

lilly

Oh,nearly forgot! This weeks award for Sartorial Elegance MUST go to Paul Barton...a natty ensemble of Black and Yellow ensured he really looked the part at least....it was suggested he was advertising Colemans Mustard.

Troon St. Meddans Open

Saturday the 28th of August brought the Troon St. Meddans Open to the Municipal golf club. A sponsor's extravaganza and golfers were in from all around for a wide array of prizes. As predicted certain Nooners best chance of winning anything came in the raffle with the Monkey picking up a golf bag (I bought my tickets from Jim Pennington, honest guvnor!), other Nooners took form from recent weeks onto the big time stage.

The three main prize winners have all been Nooners in their time and a huge prize pot was gained by the Nooners. Winning the scratch prize was Warren who managed round in 71 to take the scratch prize from a certain T MacGuire on better inward half, Tam was 4 under at the turn and was a little disappointed with his 1 over back 9, although by no means a "sack". Tam's net 67 however was good enough to bring him the first class prize and a voucher for £120.

Tam was reported to have a very good afternoon in the beer tent and was last seen by Stephen Brownlow going for his train with golf bag on back, trophy in hand, walking in a decidely zig zag fashion. Let's just hope that bag, trophy and Tam all departed the train at the same stop!

These results were credible, but the big story of the day was the form of a certain Cathkin player who had just joined St. Meddans, yes that's right, big Shanky Ellis had the round of his life for a 73 for a net 63 to win the second class hands down. Some members of the club expressed some surprise at a 10 handicapper doing this, but we've all seen David play and know both sides of the story. Well done to him we say, welcome to the single handicap fraternity (something the monkey is fast leaving!). Wrighty takes up the story of David's incredible round below.

A full list of prize winners is available on the Troon St. Meddans site (or at least will be barring any technical hitches).

Wrighty's bit

No More Big Shankie.

We teed off 3rd last on Sat, Mr Ellis, Mr Wright and Mr C. Hood, good friend and esteemed member at Royal Troon.

An average drive from the big man, compared to what was to come, and a magnificent 3 wood on to about 12 feet, easy 4.

Only mistake of the day at 2 where he missed from 2 ft for a 6. Up the third, 2 good shots and a pitch to a foot-birdie. At four a good drive and a pitch to the back of the green-drained putt. Bogey up five and an easy par at 6. Drains a ten footer at 7 for birdie, good par at 8 and drains another at 9 for birdie, and out in 2 under.

I knew he had a score going but didn't realise how good until Hoodie told me on the tenth tee he was out in 2 under. Neither Hoodie or myself had a score going, so we made it our goal to help the big man round the back nine. He made a great par at ten, where I think anyone would take 3 there anyday. Slipped up at 11, 12 and 13, bogeying all three. Oh no, here goes. No chance, he hits straight back with a 3 at 14 and 2 at fifteen, the 2 coming from a 25 yard putt form the front.

He missed for bird at 16, but an easy 5 and was unlucky not to stay on the green at 17, just falling off the back. He did make a great up and down for par. He blasted a drive up 18 into a stiffish breeze and we thought he had caught the trap. He cleared it by 15 yards and from there played a great long iron just short. He then knifed a wedge which almost went through the back, putted up to 5 feet and then safely negotiated his final putt for 73 less 10-Nett 63 and a full 2 shot cut in the handicap.

It was an awesome performance!! He drove the ball high, straight and long, and his short game was dynamite.

He holed, I reckon 6 par saving putts from 4-6 feet, and capitalised on all his birdie chances. This was all done whilst supping beer all the way round with the Hoodie and the Wrighty.He was over the moon with his round, and is finding it hard coming to terms with his new found fame-signing autographs and the press interviews clearly taking their toll!! Can you believe he still had the audacity to ask for Birdie Money?

On Sunday he and his partner shot 68 on a wet and  very windy Darley, just to prove it was no fluke. However, he will find it hard to win the Winter League off 8!!

Wrighty.

Tam Bam Thankyou Mam!

Tam took the money this week, 7 birdies and 43 points, none too shabby! David takes up the story.

A few decent scores this week. Tam made sure there was no debate over the kitty, 7 birdies and 43 points with a gross 70! Not to mention 6 more points in the League as well. (Probably won the lottery on Saturday night as well!!).

Margaret and Phil in the starter's box were impressed, with the number of people who turned up at the usual time for a 13:00 start. As well as some who even played the wrong course!

The FUF was out early this week. Took up position on the first hole, nailed me with a 9 (I'll spare the details but it involved two bunkers) and Ross with a lost ball. Big Stuart was out, warming up for the Club Championship final on Sunday. Hope his putter was working better, as he let Ian McKie and I off the hook several times to halve the match on the 18th. Will not bore you with the details of my 2 at the 6th (a thing of rare beauty from my point of view) or the chip in from 30-40 yards out at the 9th (think that was more luck than skill).

Lily's column

Lilly Column: 21 August.

Another lovely "morning" when we nooners arrived at 12:30 ish.(some of us expecting to play Darley were particularly pleased to find it was even Lochgreen !!)

Some folk are getting excited enough to "pockle" the draw to maximise the number of league matches I note which is fair enough...you have to take my crown one way or another I guess !!

So, three 4 balls and one 3 ball set off....I was pleased to be in the company of my good friends Alan Payne and Steve Aird in the 3 ball.....and two league matches to boot!

After the (now traditional) "show us your new Driver bit on first tee" Alan and Steve drive well..and Ross hooks his into banking on left,followed by a "safe" chip out into rough on other side, followed by a good 5 wood back onto left side rough....bloody long hole this way!.....never found the ball !!! I know I advocate "get yer N/R in early," but 3 shots into medal is a bit extreme!....even for me!

So,one down to both opponents,and no points in S/ford OR the 6 points game!...still I put on a brave face as we walk to second tee.

Lilly's game improves from this point (well ,it had to didn't it?) with pars at 2nd and 3rd and he's right back in contention.

A wee delay on 4th Tee,and the conversation turned to dead animals....the way it does!

Young Steve seemed aghast that Lilly has in his time carried out mercy killings of poor wee timorous beasties,and Alan had rid the world of several wild vermin as well !!! I shan't go into details here..we do have a vet in our group after all..but the impact on Steve was that it destroyed his game for quite a while (good result there then !!)

4th Hole...Alan spends ten mins looking for ball on right....Lilly stupidly finds it for him,and he sticks it on green and two putts for Par.

Lilly,after a great drive,thins his 9 Iron between the bunkers and it rolls on to green 8 ft from hole .....and YES I sink the putt for birdie......Oh happy day!

Lilly in the lead in everything by now,and pars 5th and 6th.

7th Hole: Two good smacks leaves Lilly just short of green ..a wee chip and run (you've all seen them) hits the pin and somehow stays out....but easy birdie 4 though. Steve just misses birdie as well....how sad !

Actually we were all playing pretty well again and having a good tussle.

9th Hole: Steve tries to hit a Jaguar on the road,but sticks it straight in the gardens instead....

So,after nine holes Ross has 22 points having blobbed the first,Alan also has a few points (19?) (Steve? 17 points?) BUT Lilly is 3 up in both matches and my good friends are starting to look a bit hostile and don't seem as appreciative of this beautiful day as they should be ?

10th Hole: Lilly blobs it with a 5.....halfs with Alan ! Steve the smooth sneaks a three to earn one of his few goes at Driving off first next hole,which he promptly looses to Alan who gets a rather nice four (yes,yes we know Alan....net three !)

Alan now back to 2 down to Lilly and seems determined to make a match of it.

On the walk to tee at 12 th hole Ross points out what a scarey tee shot this hole has! Alan suggests that this attempt to put him off will not work as Alan is not at all scared by this hole!!!

Yep,you got it........Alan snap hooks one right into trees on left,and Steve knobs his almost as far as ladies tee !!!!!........3 up Alan ? Actually Steve managed a par despite his sclaff off tee!

13th Hole......pars all round ?

14th Hole: pars all round ......yawn!

15th Hole: Another delay on tee........conversation turns to resting due to old age,and "The Rules of Old Age"......

1. Never pass a toilet
2. Never trust a fart !
3. Never waste an stiff shaft !

This led to the concept of having a "credit" account which you could make deposits into during good times and you could take out a withdrawal later,but you don't want to think about this too much!

Anyway,Lilly pulled his tee shot so Alan got his revenge......friends? who needs friends like him? Back to 2 up !

And just for good measure,he reminds me that he's stroking on the 16th !

Which he duly uses well and it's back to one up with 2 to play (Steve and I have shaken hands by now....he's such a sporting young man isn't he......unlike the great big streak of cigarette smoking misery who just doesn't know when to give up!

So,17th tee.....Lilly creams one up middle (what bunker?) Alan is "up against cemetry wall" after two,but claims relief and sticks it into heart of green......bugger!!

But,Lilly calmly puts second on green and two putts to win the match........and the points game,and after a par at Last Hole fancies his chances for kitty with 40 points!!!!.

Chance? - No Chance....David E has 41 pts and Tam McG.....43 points with 7 (Seven) Birdies !!!!

Some golf Tam ! here's your bloody 50p......

Yet another great day with the Nooners.

Lilly

Ps Did I mention Alans Pink tee shirt ? I should have!

Three columns this week, third one being from 1/2 marathon man Steven Aird:

Glasgow 1/2 Marathon Sunday 22nd August

Having stupidly decided to run (I mean crawl) the Glasgow 1/2 Marathon while on honeymoon (obviously not of sane mind as I had just got married).

I should have probably given it more thought that chasing the wife round the bedroom and a staple diet of Guinness wasn't going to be enough to see me through. But for a sense of achievement and to raise some money for Oxfam I thought I would give it a go.

On telling some family and friends of my intension I was give such confidence boosting cries like.

"You doing a 1/2 marathon are you doing it in the van". (The wife's brother)

"2 hours 45 min for a 1/2 marathon is it a 1/2 marathon or a full marathon." - (Head Nooner)

With these cries ringing in my ears I decided to start training more chasing round the bedroom and no more Guinness during the week.

A couple of runs of 5 1/2 miles and one run of 10 miles the week before and I'm thinking I've bitten off more than I can chew!

Night before the race

I'd been given some good advice to eat a lot of pasta before the race so with this in mind after taking a formidable doing from Ross (the serial Killer) in the summer league in the afternoon it was out for an Italian meal. Some great food and a bottle of white wine later I've forgotten all about my defeat and about the race.

Race Day

Hung over and with more Vaseline on than in Boy Georges boxers it was off to George square for the start of the race.

Up St.Vincent street down Hope street along Bothwell street and over the Kingston Bridge not even two miles and I can feel my lungs working hard. Round past Harry Ramsdens (I'm feeling all chuffed about resisting a fish supper) along Paisley Road West to Bella Houston Park through the park up Haggs road to Pollock Park (6 miles completed) through the park for 2 miles and I'm past half way.

Feeling ok at this point but another two miles on at the 10mile maker sees large blisters and muscles crying out for a rest I keep going catching up with people who look how I feel and make it to down Pollockshaws road to the Gorbals (2 miles to go).

Eventually make it to the entrance of Glasgow Green only a mile left and every bit of me aching, lots of encouragement from the public greatfully received and appreciated

Over the finish in 2 hours 41mins not bad for a fat lad (without stopping).

Collects my medal and some very dodgy tasting health bars and its home for a pint then a bath.

I had a great day and would encourage anyone to do it but the pain is still to fresh to think about next year. Hopefully see you on Saturday.

Cheers Steven.

Monkey's random bumblings

While Steven was enduring the Glasgow half marathon, Andy was up at Bennachie, Aberdeenshire for the 5k / 40k / 5k run/bike/run duathlon. This was a toughy as both the runs were up a hill on a trail and the 40k bike was up hill and quite difficult. Andy managed 8th place from 29, not a bad result for a podgy type, 2 hours 9 of exercise, and was indeed knackered on finishing.

Wrighty comes out on top of the Nooners, leaves £1 down... go figure!

Playing in our second group of times (not greatly seperated from the first) Graeme Wright came back in a gross 38 and 22 points to score 40 points. This was quite an effort for a man who on the second proclaimed that he had put his shoulder out and would need to just pap it round. Well pap it round he did (and with some remarkable skittery distance!).

In his 40 points Wrighty played hockey on a couple of greens including missing two tap-ins, an amazing effort to beat Janahan who had 37 points with Wrighty coming back from 3 down early doors on the back nine.

Wrighty really had made a bit of a mess of his shoulder and was heard to groan on almost every tee after smashing his drives 250 yards straight down the fairway. He probably wished that he had a sore shoulder every week though given his level of performance on Saturday. What with the Olympics on right now, Graeme's performance could be compared to Derrick Redmond's will to carry on when injured, Eric the Eel's perseverence even when quite inept in terms of his playing compatriots, Eddie the Eagle for comedy technique. The sort of thing that would bring a tear to your eye, the underdog coming through to win!!

David saw the early group's action and here is his report!

Bit of a shame that the group was split takes some of the enjoyment out of it all. Mind you with the crowd and the noise in the Bunker when we got there, it probably would not have been all that good. Tam "sneaked" off with the kitty for the first group with 36 points and the better back nine. Wrighty, (in less refined company to last week, obviously benefitted from my "encouraging advice" and guidance from the week before), to post an impressive 40 points.

Poor Steven got stuck with me again and did not win. (Who said "No surprise there?") Out with Charlie B and Brian Mac for what turned out to be an enjoyable afternoon, some of Charlie's "chat" is not repeatable, but a couple of times it had "great" impact on Brian (his partner!), at times when he was beginning to look dangerous. Brian Mac has suggested sincerity lessons for next week, I have no idea why.

Monkey's random bumblings

Random bumblings this week belong to cycling safety. On Sunday the Monkey went out for his third bike ride of the weekend, taking me up to a nice round 90 miles. He approached the Walker Hall and all was going well. His speedo read 25 mph and somebody passed me with ease in a car, this seemed dangerous and I had to remind them that the speed limit in town was 30mph. So I carried on and got passed the Walker Hall when there is a Ford Ka looking to turn right, it seemed to be waiting, no problem the Monkey thinks, they'll go once I'm passed. It turns out that she hadn't seen me, Ka hits Kerr, Kerr goes airbourne, lands just short of the Parish church. Any injuries, who knows he gets up and starts swearing at the poor girl who has just had the shock of her life. At this point I thought that that was hardly fair, and besides she was quite nice looking. If you were to choose who to knock you down then she would have been right up there.

So, a bunch of scrapes but no broken bones and most importantly no broken forks or wheels (as they are really quite expensive on my racer). The moral of the story, learn how to fall when you are young, through my fall I had perception of where my head was and managed not to hit it, this is always the case with me when I fall over, never hit my head. Which is very useful when not wearing a helmet.

Who knows when I'll get back on my bike (have a race on Sunday and some mountain biking on Saturday so I really better not be that beat up!).

Well, once and for all it is proven, the Monkey turning up has no correlation to pace of play. Several comments of a particularly slow day including Iain's on the forum. Clearly this time it has gone a little past the usual annoyance and quite frankly I can understand why. Hopefully Iain can receive some response from the council regarding his letter, we wait to see.

Daivd tells the story of the golf (and the waiting) this week:

Good turnout with 17 starters. Teed off 30 mins late and slowed down from there, finally got off the course around 17:15.

Tam won the money with 42 points, no thanks to the head Nooner, who had awarded it to Steven Aird. The time spent in the sun must have affected me, as I totally messed up counting Steven points and despite going through the pile several times to check, managed to put Steven's card in the box before he had signed it. Got another card and filled it in, to discover that I had added up his front nine wrongly etc. Pretty pathetic!! Luckily, Tam had not left before the error was discovered to spare some of the embarrassment.

Some pretty good scores too. Not much in the way of higlights, unless you classify playing a hole without having to wait more than 2-3 mins.

Couple of candidates for shot of the day. Did not see how it was done, but would be interested to hear how Paul Barton came to be playing his second shot on the 1st hole from the greenside bunker on the 18th. (Contributions to the Monkey please).

George and I think that Steven's bunker shot on the short 6th deserves a mention. Having had a bit of practice in a bunker on the 3rd hole, Steven must have felt that he whimped it a bit. So, finding himself in another bunker felt he needed to "commit to the shot", which he duly did. The ball came out like rocket, still rsing as it cleared the green, over the gorse bushes, over the cycle track and into the trees about 30 ft up. As George put it, "Out of the bunker in trees". (For those that don't get it, ask George)

The jury is still out on my tee shot on the 9th which was sent beautifully down the middle of the road, only to be found in the light rough a few yards behind George. (You can imagine how happy George and Steven were, cheery smiles etc. Ha Ha!!!!)

Monkey's random bumblings

Random bumblings this week surround my activities when you guys were having a go slow. Left Troon at 6 a.m. for another assault on Arran on my bike. 13 miles to Ardrossan a nice start if slightly cold and then the real work.

Going clock-wise round Arran is tough, hills to Lamlash, Whiting Bay and Blackwaterfoot sap the energy and the speed early doors but once out of Blackwaterfoot there is a relatively flat section taking you up to Lochranza. This is where my speed started to kick in, starting to get up to 20mph and above until the hill up to Correy and Sannox.

The goal for the day was to complete the tough 56 mile stretch in under 3 hours 10 so as I could go from one ferry and then get on the next. From the top of the hill I needed to complete the last 10 miles in 24 minutes, a tough ask for all but the top Scottish time trialists, all I had on my side was height and some flat road. The first 2 miles of this stretch were spent averaging 30 mph down the hill and then onto the flat. Over the rest of the stretch I managed around 22mph all the way in. A sprint up Brodick high street and I was in in 3 hours 6 minutes and made the ferry to ferry trip by the skin of my nose. Excellent stuff, not often you achieve what you set out to do in the morning and are never quite sure that you can make it.

So a cycle home from Ardrossan taking me to 84 miles for the day and in the evening another 19 miles taking me to 103 miles for the day. 103 miles in 5 hours 32 minutes, now how long did it take you guys to go round the golf course?

Not a bad turnout (15) for a warm day that was a bit quicker, around four hours for a change.

Was forced to endure the heat and the persistent abuse from Wrighty, who has had Brian Sugden doing some mods to his head and neck. (None of which appears to have made any improvement). Poor Steven Aird got stuck with me again, (I think he is beginning to wonder who he upset) and a good battle was had all way round.

Managed to quell Wrighty's challenge on the 14th after he lost his drive, which obviously hurt a bit, as then proceed to par the next three holes to take the lead in the four ball. Steven, (being 4 up), was carefully watching what Wrighty was doing and forgot that he was supposed to be playing as well to find himself still dormie standing on the 18th tee. The invitation that I would not mind one bit if he birdied the last to halve the match seemed to work, as he got all excited with his drive (not sure if he knew he was still on the golf course or at a football match, with the shout that followed the ball). Missed the birdie, but got the par which was enough secure the half.

Things could only get worse after all that excitement, and true enough, get inside to find that Robin has won the kitty with 36 points! Well, maybe it was not that bad, but he did not have to work too hard as can be seen from the scores.

The top of the League is getting interesting with a few "dark horses" sneaking into the frame. Beware, Steven Aird is coming through and the Vet is lurking!!

Lily's back, so will hopefully a more comprehensive contribution will be forthcoming.

Times for next week are split. Someone in front of Brian and me "pinched" two of our 11:30 slots, so we have three times from 11:40 and two more at 12:48. Similar problems the following week, where a visiting group have already been allocated all of the 11:30 slots. If there are no objections, we will be going for five times starting around 12:40.

Lily's column

Darley Desert Claims More Victims:

What a bright morning it was on Sat 7th August!

Lilly arrived at the course with dark glasses,shorts,tee-shirt etc,..had to wear the shades to hide the Red Eyes due to XS Rioja the previous night. Yep, the head was "lowping" and a general feeling of malaise was present....little sympathy exibited by my fellow nooners though (half of whom were in a similar fragile state of course)

So,to golf...first 4 ball? Stuart P (guest appearance) with Oh it's Me (Lilly) Versus Robin T (again) with Iain (steady eddy) McKie.

After the two big-hitters had compared the size of their new drivers heads,and Robin reminded me that he was 2-1 Up in "the series with me",Lilly drives off first....a nasty hook to left hand rough.....Stuart requests a change of partner.(I've noticed this happens quite a lot)

The others blast off well enough! Iain and I get 8.

Second Hole....? non event? 

Third? Iain loses ball in river

Fourth? lilly loses ball in bush at front "get yer N/R in early I say!!"

Robin and Stuart making snide jibes that "they" can play one game and the battle of the Titans can be separate between Iain and Me.....It must be said that I was either getting 3 points or Blobs....and iain was even worserer!

Fifth Hole? Blob for Lilly and iain......Think Stuart (and me) got the half here........Stuart says he just knows that I will contribute soon! Meanwhile i'm reaching for Anadin and water. He tries the motivational bit on the 6 th Tee "right big chap,you've got a stroke here,let's go" which I point out was a good attempt but was hardly inspirational...and yet....I get a 5 net 4 to WIN the hole....YES,I have joined the game...Iain? well,less said soonest mended,but we shan't be calling him "steady eddy" for a while!!

Seventh Hole? A blur

Eighth Hole? My pal Stuart gets a loverly birdie to half hole with Robin

Ninth Hole? Iain still excelling himself..sticks in wild jungle on right..Robin in bunker on right/short, Ross,hooks it left as usual...and My Big Pal? He's in the bunker on left with the ball lying up against left edge of trap..S.O.D. coming up? He's on his knees,deftly flicks it out to 5 feet ,and sinks the putt for a three...

That'll be us 3 Up at turn!!!

Big Stuart has 21 pts after nine and I have 11pts...Iain? hmm was it Six or Seven pts Still he's seems quite relaxed about the whole affair.

However...things change don't they?

Big S drives well on 10th,fluffs his second ,dollys first putt and walks off with bogey and robin pars so back to 2up.

Eleventh Hole? Oops Stuart's wheels wobbling: double bogey,but lilly (feeling better now) wins the hole with a four...net 3.

Twelfth Hole? Can't recall? Big S gets a four tho'

Think Iain may have contributed.

Ross carries Big pennington again (he's a useless bugger isn't he?)

So,we are 5 up with with 6 to play...BUT we're not cocky,cos that would be un-sportsman like!!!!

After 13th? 4 Up

After 14th? 3 Up...

15 th Hole? S.O.D.? Robin's second to 3 ft was pure magic for his second birdie of the day.

2 Up !!!!!!

"Relax Ross" say's big Stuart...Relax thinks I? I've got no strokes left and the ex-Ayrshire champ is playing like a balloon...a Big Balloon at that !!

16 th Hole? Bloody Tax Man puts his tee shot on green,but he's got a 10 ft downhill putt (Lilly thinks he's BOUND to leave it short!! Wrong ..The Money Grabbing Bandit slots it in for a Two.

1 Up 2 to play

17th Hole ..we half it ..dormie one

So,yet again the match goes to last hole

18th Hole: The pressure is on.

Robin Drives...straight on to Harling Drive.. was that a smile Lilly?

But,Iain sticks his up the middle.

Stuart,pulls his left into rough.

Ross? Straight up the middle..ish.

Anyway,we win the hole..which was a bit of a relief.

Pennington's Performance Point-wise Proves Paddington Bear is a better golfer..12 Points on back 9..tsk-tsk you just can't get the quality these days!

Oh,and Robin? That's All-Square in The Series I believe!!

Never,mind,guys,I'm on a soft drink today.

Robin wins the Kitty with 36 points inc 3 birdies...Nice One .

Sorry the memory is a bit weak for this report

Lilly The Red Eyes

Monkey's random bumblings

Random bumblings this week are sympathetic to Ross's plight on Saturday. The Monkey had a bit of a night out in Tyndrum of all places on Friday night that meant that he missed most of Saturday. Stella is apparently not my friend. I was supposed to be backing up a running friend of mine who was running 43 miles from Tyndrum to Fort William. The only backing up I did was to make the runners think that at least they didn't feel as bad as I looked. Saturday was very much a struggle.

Sunday was back to my favourite sport, duathlon, 5k run - 24k cycle - 5k run, a respectable 23rd place finish in the Glasgow duathlon out of the 58 starters, only one girl ahead of me and she really is quite a spectacular athlete. Who knows I might be back for some golf this week, we'll see what the weather is like!

Well, once and for all it is proven, the Monkey turning up has no correlation to pace of play. Several comments of a particularly slow day including Iain's on the forum. Clearly this time it has gone a little past the usual annoyance and quite frankly I can understand why. Hopefully Iain can receive some response from the council regarding his letter, we wait to see.

Daivd tells the story of the golf (and the waiting) this week:

Good turnout with 17 starters. Teed off 30 mins late and slowed down from there, finally got off the course around 17:15.

Tam won the money with 42 points, no thanks to the head Nooner, who had awarded it to Steven Aird. The time spent in the sun must have affected me, as I totally messed up counting Steven points and despite going through the pile several times to check, managed to put Steven's card in the box before he had signed it. Got another card and filled it in, to discover that I had added up his front nine wrongly etc. Pretty pathetic!! Luckily, Tam had not left before the error was discovered to spare some of the embarrassment.

Some pretty good scores too. Not much in the way of higlights, unless you classify playing a hole without having to wait more than 2-3 mins.

Couple of candidates for shot of the day. Did not see how it was done, but would be interested to hear how Paul Barton came to be playing his second shot on the 1st hole from the greenside bunker on the 18th. (Contributions to the Monkey please).

George and I think that Steven's bunker shot on the short 6th deserves a mention. Having had a bit of practice in a bunker on the 3rd hole, Steven must have felt that he whimped it a bit. So, finding himself in another bunker felt he needed to "commit to the shot", which he duly did. The ball came out like rocket, still rsing as it cleared the green, over the gorse bushes, over the cycle track and into the trees about 30 ft up. As George put it, "Out of the bunker in trees". (For those that don't get it, ask George)

The jury is still out on my tee shot on the 9th which was sent beautifully down the middle of the road, only to be found in the light rough a few yards behind George. (You can imagine how happy George and Steven were, cheery smiles etc. Ha Ha!!!!)

Monkey's random bumblings

Random bumblings this week surround my activities when you guys were having a go slow. Left Troon at 6 a.m. for another assault on Arran on my bike. 13 miles to Ardrossan a nice start if slightly cold and then the real work.

Going clock-wise round Arran is tough, hills to Lamlash, Whiting Bay and Blackwaterfoot sap the energy and the speed early doors but once out of Blackwaterfoot there is a relatively flat section taking you up to Lochranza. This is where my speed started to kick in, starting to get up to 20mph and above until the hill up to Correy and Sannox.

The goal for the day was to complete the tough 56 mile stretch in under 3 hours 10 so as I could go from one ferry and then get on the next. From the top of the hill I needed to complete the last 10 miles in 24 minutes, a tough ask for all but the top Scottish time trialists, all I had on my side was height and some flat road. The first 2 miles of this stretch were spent averaging 30 mph down the hill and then onto the flat. Over the rest of the stretch I managed around 22mph all the way in. A sprint up Brodick high street and I was in in 3 hours 6 minutes and made the ferry to ferry trip by the skin of my nose. Excellent stuff, not often you achieve what you set out to do in the morning and are never quite sure that you can make it.

So a cycle home from Ardrossan taking me to 84 miles for the day and in the evening another 19 miles taking me to 103 miles for the day. 103 miles in 5 hours 32 minutes, now how long did it take you guys to go round the golf course?

Daivd tells the story this week:

An interesting day. Only nine starters in a "slight" breeze, and some not unreasonable scoring. Jim Knox burnt up the course with 43 points and five birdies, starting with the first three holes. The most spectacular birdie was the 11th, (well it would have been if we could have seen the ball roll into the cup), instead we approached the green looking for 3 balls with only two visible, thinking Jim must have gone through the green, with no ball in sight, a check of the cup provided the answer, another 10p down!

Nooners numbers down to two, something to do with Brownlow and Birrell woosing out.

Two players out in our times on Saturday. One of them Russell Cameron, a man who clearly has been with our motley crew in the past and more than happy to report. Any man who has won the Hagen Driver is a legend in my opinion. Here is his report on what happened.

I am pleased to report that the nooners tradition was maintained this weekend by a nooner based in Ipswich (Myself) and a guest. Turning up at 11.18 we played at the time booked (11.42) by Stephen Brownlow on "Lochgreen" (Lochgreen/Fullarton Hybrid) and no-one else turned up!!!!!!!!!!!! Not even Gerry who committed to appear in a pre-inebriation state at the Open on Friday (Brownlow and Birrell already gave their apologies). For the record I "won" with 36 points and my Guest scored a respectable 32.

I am also pleased to report that I received an impressive round of applause from a large group of passing Open spectators who stopped to watch me sink a tricky 15 ft putt for par on the third hole. Much Velvet and Cheesy Chips were consumed in the Bunker afterwards.

Regards

Russell "Hagen Driver" Cameron

Nooner Emeritus

Ipswich

The guest for the week, another of the tractor boys, David Lawrence who explains he scored a respectable 32 points on the composite course sent this photo through. It must be a trick of photoshop, as getting a pint into Stephen "Fabian" Brownlow's hands is a very difficult trick!

Aird takes money, Powell takes up career as seer

David predicted big things for Steven Aird this week and what happened, he only went and won the money.

Lily's column

Lilly's Column..10th july

Rodgering Robin Goes Bob-Bob Bobbin

So,a fine looking morning for the Darley and the course looks quiet (apart from the party going out just before us of course!!) The first 4 ball is drawn..Robin T,Dave P ,Peter R and Ross M..but wait..Peter decides he can't stand the thought of 4 hrs in that company and drops back to next group which allows Gerry B. to join first game. Regular readers will have spotted that Ross has been in same grope ,I mean group as Robin for 4 or 5 weeks now and a certain "edge" has crept into the matches!!

So,Balls in the air men (sounds worse than was meant) and it's Tax Man Thompson and Maseratti man Gerry against DaveP and Lilly ... let the games begin!!

1st hole; Fairway empty after 4 drives.we spend 4 mins 59 secs looking for Robins ball which Ross eventually finds by stomping on it(twice). Gerry misses birdie putt which saves us 10p but They go one up anyway.

2nd Hole: They go Two up

3rd Hole:Captain Powell in river,lilly decides to join him! Three Down(some negativity creeping in?)Captain Powell suggests we remove our Digits..(he's so inspirational )

4th Hole:Ross on green,Robin on backslope..FLUF (not FUF),Gerry makes a valiant attempt to get three,but Ross wins hole..back to two down. Is that a wee spring in Lilly's step again?

5th Hole;Bad Shot of Day (B.S.O.D.)..Robin does imitation of Tim Henman off tee..a lovely top-spin forehand whips over front gorse bush and Dives into the Grand Canyon. Dave P puts his third to 4 feet and sinks putt for 4 net 3..one down.

6th hole: Ross finds sand twice after creaming a seven iron out of first bunker.Robin goes from bush to Bush down left,Gerry fluffs second,all in all a poor show but Gerry sinks decent putt for a half with Dave p.? (Bushy gets 8)

7th,8th ,9th Holes: all a bit of a blurr,but we're still one down at turn. But,Oz man mentions a nature programme he was watching involving Blue Whales. He mentions this to myself only,but it seems that a blue whale has a very long "tickling stick"...16 feet !!!! How he thought this was going to improve my golf I'm still wondering at ,but ..read on!

10 th Hole: Tax man on green for two,Lilly finds sand again on left of green with a tricky lie. Lilly somehow gets ball out (just) and leaves a shot of...wait for it...yes 16 feet from off green across a slope with a sprinkler head in the way!! Still trying to visualise a 16 footer,Lilly whinges about sprinkler heads and the rub of the green etc then with his trusty 7 iron "draws" a wee chip +run round sprinkler and into the hole..Shot Of Day I propose!..Bushy Thompson halfs hole though. Oh forgot to mention Oz man takes three to get out of other bunker(FUF arrives)

11th Hole: After good drive F.U.F. jumps from Dave to Ross and he sclaffs his way up the right.

12th Dave/Gerry/Ross all putting for two's ..Robin? ach he was pratting about on right somewhere! So 3 of us walked off with threes!

13thHole;Chance to draw level here as Oz+Lilly stroking...and it looks good ,we're all just short of green in two...result? Gerry gets a four (for the first time EVER at that hole !..I'm so pleased for the smug Maseratti git) and Lilly ponces about with lob wedge,Oz practises putting excessively and we loose hole!!! Grrrrrr

14th Hole: Think We won this one by default? One Down?

15th Hole: Time for serious speech play....Ross mentions the Blue Whale...Tax man pulls his drive into serious bushes on left...result! Think we won this hole. I remember gerry claiming relief from a "track" on the basis that a tractor passed that way in 1986??..No way !

16th hole: Dave in pole position on front edge with a good chance to go all square..has a sudden burst of testosterone and blasts it past hole ends up with a half in 4...(I knew I should have sacked him!)

17th Hole:After some seriously good drives by the other three,mine was just over bunker on right:but I cream a six iron to just off back of green,and a delightful 6 iron chip +run to 2 inches gets the 4....but Bushy - Lager - dropping Tax-Man gets half. Dormie One

18th Hole:Dave P (my esteemed partner) has a 16 foot putt for a birdie and Masseratti Man has a 15 footer for birdie too.

Result? Useless Oz Git leaves it 2 feet short!!! (Next year Robin reckons Dave will win the "Green Blouse" nae problem!!!

Oh and Gerry sinks his Birdie Putt anyway,so it was all a bit irrelevant!

Well Done Guys..another Great Game and a Great Day...The beers are on us!

Think that's Robin 2-1 Up in the series?.

19th Hole:...My God is there more?

Ex Policeman Iain McKie tries to short change Lilly for his Birdie money AND he "forgets" to put in his Kitty money...don't worry Iain ,I'll not tell anyone!

I'm missing for next 3 weeks,maybe see you at Open on Saturday?

All the best

Lilly el Pinko.

Birrell takes the money?

In one of the least surprising results this year, Charlie took the money in the Saturday golf. Rumours of Jim and his big pair of scissors were maybe a bit of an exaggeration. David reports on happenings on Saturday:

Brian deserves a special mention. Just as we were about tee off on the 13th, we encounter Brian coming towards us, looking for his putter, which was nowhere to be seen. There was then a "momentary" pause while Brian "sprinted" back to the green. It transpired that the "errant" putter was lying patiently where Brian had left it ready to use!!

You will see that Charlie B scooped the kitty again. Married life is obviously not affecting Steven Aird's golf too much. Despite having to carry "the Vet" all afternoon, ("I'm just waiting for Steve's call for assistance" he claimed, but was absent on the one occasion that could have sealed the match), Steve managed to give big Al and me a right thumping. A mild sprinkling of birdies and pars that made Steve's 13 handicap look very suspicious, but a couple of bunkers intervened to ruin his opportunity of a first kitty. Big Al at least had an excuse. The battery on his trolley started to die on the 8th and had to push it for the rest of the round. Just to make sure that full value was achieved for his effort, he proceeded to increase the distance travelled by zig-zagging his way up the fairways. As you can imagine, the sympathathy (particularly from "the Vet") was oozing everywhere!

Green Jacket

Monkey's random bumblings

After the golf the Monkey headed straight off to go to his 3rd ultra race in 3 weekends. The Correyairack challenge a 43 mile mountain duathlon and possibly the hardest of my 3 nutty races. With the green jacket I didn't get to Kincraig till 11 p.m. and the tent was a welcome respite until the morning.

The run section was a 17 mile hill race up to 800 metres and was a stinker, it took me 3 hours 10 minutes to get through the run and I was shattered before I even started my cycle. The cycle started well for about the first half mile until I ran straight through a corner and fell off into a field. Which was intriguing. Of the 3 races this one was the hardest and saw me being sick on the bike section due to the general shatteredness (sorry Brian, poor choice) of my body, not something that you get for playing 2 rounds of golf. All in all, the three big races in three weeks was quite an experience and something that I would happily repeat (although I wouldn't have said that during my race).

Anyone with outstanding sponsorship money I'll be chasing you shortly. Thanks to everyone who has sponsored me for these events, thus far my team has made around £800 but any further donations would be greatly appreciated.

Tam takes money on better back 9

As Lily and the monkey were missing, the head nooner provides a short report as well as details of the Green Jacket.

Low turn out. The weather was pretty poor at 11:00 but got better through the afternoon. Seven started, but Norman had to drop out to play a tie. Tie for the kitty (what there was of it), between Bill Gunn, Steven Aird and Tam with Tam winning by a point on th back nine. From what I heard, Bala had the shot of the day, but not sure of the actual details of his par on the 13th.

We need 3 more time bookers for Saturday morning, please sign up on the newly revised forum.

Green Jacket

Starters

Norwegian Prawns coated in Apple Marie-rose Sauce

Scottish Cheese & Smoked Bacon Salad

Chicken Liver Pate with Cumberland Sauce & Oatcakes

Main Courses

Duke of Buccleuch Roast Rib of Beef served in a Red Wine Gravy

Grilled Loin of Ayrshire Gammon finished with a Fruit Syrup Glaze

Supreme of Chicken coated with a Sherry & Mushroom Sauce

Salad of Poached Salmon & Lemon Mayonnaise with Potatoes

Finally

Sticky Toffee Apple Crumble

Fresh Fruit Salad & Whipped Cream

Selection of Cheese & Biscuits

Irish Trip

8 Folks have signed up for the Irish trip and what a group it looks like being. I sense that this one will be long remembered in the anals of Nooners history!

Monkey's random bumblings

Again the Monkey goes mad, quite mad. This weekend I started at Braemar and started running, kept running and then kept running (with intermitent jogging / walking / dieing) until I got to Aviemore in what was undisputeably my hardest race yet, an ultra-marathon through the Lairig Ghru, 28 miles and 2800 feet of ascent, 5 hours 45 minutes and 4th last in the field, but I completed it!! The Monkey isn't so chatty today, but thinks that his training should mean that he is ready for Friday's two rounds! Have a mere 43 miles on Saturday this week to finish off my midsummer madathon, oh what fun!

Brownlow takes the money

Well the old story applies, the person who least likes slow golf goes away for a week and... play speeds up. 4 and a 1/4 hours for you chaps at the weekend, even beats my time for 50 miles on Saturday, but I'm claiming mitigating circumstances. These will be revealed in the Monkey's Random bumblings below.

Green Jacket

Starters

Norwegian Prawns coated in Apple Marie-rose Sauce

Scottish Cheese & Smoked Bacon Salad

Chicken Liver Pate with Cumberland Sauce & Oatcakes

Main Courses

Duke of Buccleuch Roast Rib of Beef served in a Red Wine Gravy

Grilled Loin of Ayrshire Gammon finished with a Fruit Syrup Glaze

Supreme of Chicken coated with a Sherry & Mushroom Sauce

Salad of Poached Salmon & Lemon Mayonnaise with Potatoes

Finally

Sticky Toffee Apple Crumble

Fresh Fruit Salad & Whipped Cream

Selection of Cheese & Biscuits

Summer League

No real mention of the Summer league for some time on the site, but taking a look at the spreadsheet it does rather appear that nobody has taken the bull by the horns. Tam is up there having not played too many matches but most players appear in about the 50% marker. Come on lads sort it out, it's a prestigious prize and all, apparently the best way to kick-start your league campaign is to play Wrighty, everybodies game picks up when they play him!

Lily's column

Irish Trip

8 Folks have signed up for the Irish trip and what a group it looks like being. I sense that this one will be long remembered in the anals of Nooners history!

Green Jacket

Monkey's random bumblings

What a weekend, probably slightly more tiring than 5 hours on the Darley but it must be said that it was marginal. Saturday was the Highland Cross 50 mile duathlon through Glen Affric. Like so many events up north the camaraderie is fantastic, everyone has more time to speak to people. Unlike some events up north though the organisation was military, precision like nothing else. I delivered my bike on the Friday night to the Fire training station where it was loaded on a lorry, great I thought, I'll see it tomorrow and it is running so well at the moment. So we went off to the MacGruer's B&B which as ever was excellent, Margaret took excellent care of us and provided us with a stack of bananas which were very much appreciated. Only regret from our breakfast was not being able to take a full cooked breakfast as it just would not have been wise with what was coming up.

So off to Beauly to get the bus to Kintail and we were there with a full 8 minutes to spare (running about like headless chickens to start with) and an hour and a half on the bus, over to the midge filled Kintail. The rain and wind kept the midges away and there were 200 (or more) people standing at the start of the course in a cow shed with a bunch of portaloos waiting for our 11.00 start.

Once the race started the worst of the rain had passed and we were running through Glen Affric for 20 miles, I deliberately started off the back of the field to go off slow and avoid the wall in order that I would have a better bike ride (30 miles to come later). Highlights of the 20 mile run were a number of puddles which were deep and some of them had deep holes in them and also the river crossing which was around about knee deep and given the amount of rain that they have had in Kintail of late we were lucky it wasn't deeper!

So 20 miles completed, a pretty slow 3 hours 15 but I had saved a lot in order that I could sprint the cycle and we were also 300 metres higher than when we had started (not something that you would do on a road race of the same distance), so to the bike, helmet: check, gloves: check, spokes: bugger, one missing. Transporting my bike to the transition had not worked as planned, the organisers had 600 bikes to get to the start so you can expect one or two to get broken (just it happened to be mine). So unbeknowns to me until I finished my bike had a buckled wheel and was rubbing with my brakes. Throughout I thought I had died on my arse but in fact my bike had died. I tried to draft some folk at relatively low speed but I just felt like I couldn't go. (Thems the brakes!)

Oh well, got through to the end in 5 hours 5 minutes and 55 seconds, a pretty good effort considering and I beat the rest of my team from work. Give me two weeks and a better bike and the Correyairack challenge (the second race that so many of you have sponsored me for) and I'll really get a good race in. I finished 170th out of 618 but think I lost about 50 places in the bike rather than the 50 that I was rather hoping to pick up! Full results on this web-site.

Got an ultra-marathon this week, going through the Lhairig Ghru in Deeside and Ross is away, so any reports on play would be most appreciated.

Bill Gunn takes the money

Bill Gunn who was originally going to play a tie put in some great form and took the money with a very respectable 35 points on a tough day. He took the money due to a better back nine than Jim Knox who also had 35 points. The wind was a bit tough and the other obstacle was the slow play, it seems that every time that I turn up it is slow, DP has even gone so far as to suggest that I am causing the slow play as it is only when I am there that it is really really slow! As long as we all keep up with the group ahead then nothing can be levelled at us and the starters will stay happy. Charlie (who Bill incidentally was supposed to be playing against in the St. Meddans tie) had a very bad day and totally dispelled the rumours that he is playing a lot better than his handicap.

More stories on Saturday's golf to come from Ross in due course in Lily's column.

Sunday Golf

Speaking of Lily, the monkey had a game with him at Aberfoyle golf course on Sunday and received a royal humping. The monkey was all up for raising the stakes at the start with Aberfoyle being his second course, but Ross restrained to £1/£1/£1. Little was I to know that Ross was in for the round of his life. A brief description tells that the Monkey was out in 2 over par (35) and was 2 down. From that point the Monkey just couldn't cope with Ross's incessant great play and got horsed on his own course by about 6 & 4 if not more. It was all finished when Ross chipped in on the 14th. His chipping and putting and even general iron play was immense and luck was on his side too, case in point being the 9th where he used a tree to stop his overclubbed shot to land on the green (I'll leave out mention of who was clubbing him throughout!). In Ross's round of 74 on the par 66 course he chipped in twice and seldom putted more than once, and that's even with missing a 3 foot birdie putt on the first. So watch out for him if you get drawn with him and think a tie would be a good idea!

On the note of Aberfoyle if anyone is in the Stirling area at any point or fancies a trip up to the Trossachs, give me a shout as I'd be more than happy to take any Nooner out for a game on the course, it is my last year at Aberfoyle so I might as well use my membership when I can. Ross will testify to the fun of the quirky course and the greens were the best I had ever seen them in my three years there.

Confusion with order of play

Just to clear up what happened with the draw on Saturday, it looked likely that we had too many people for our allocated four times when some players started saying that they wanted to play ties. Were they wishing to change the draw to play Nooners ties then this has in the past been an accepted practise, no problem there but these were St. Meddans ties. St. Meddans singles ties should be played as single matches and not with your friends, this could unnecessarily advantage one player over another. To not do so is disrepectful to club ties which a number of players take quite seriously.

In no circumstances can any player be playing in both a St. Meddans strokeplay and matchplay tie at the same time, this would lead to disqualification from both competitions.

Within the Nooners it is generally accepted that there is an order of play that is followed, the overriding competition being the strokeplay / stableford for the sweep, all matchplay competitions play a background role and must be treated as "only for fun."

No rules exist within the Nooners to stop a player playing a St. Meddans tie and also entering the Stableford, but it would generally be considered bad form, as matchplay is a different game where you will never protect your score and therefore you will naturally have an advantage over everyone else playing in the sweep. Please be fair to all other Nooners in your choice of game on a Saturday, both in terms of bringing people into the group and choice of competition.

Lily's column

Billy + Lilly face the (t)ax man and Pommy Basher.

In a brutal encounter which went into the last set,a classic display of luck (good and bad),guile,speech-play and down-right bad manners was fought out over a five hour period on the Darley.....read on if you can face it! (Warning ,this material may contain nuts...and bad language..just like Saturday)

1st hole saw Robin in rough on left after two shots,which left him coming over the green-side bunker....The Tax man fails to connect cleanly and it's heading for the sand,but it bounces BEFORE the bunker and bounces over, hits the down slope to finish 5 ft from hole! Fortunately he can't putt and we get the half.

2nd hole sees Robin pull his second to left of green and AGAIN skips over bunker!

Fortunately another display of incompetence saw him fluff his third.

Bill G having sliced his drive on to 17th smacks a lovely 5 iron to centre of green and we win hole.(Skill beats spawn on this occasion!)

3rd Hole: Dave P decides to lay up to burn with his driver!! As bad drives go this was a peach.However,as reported by Monkey Aussie pal recovers well to get a par.
BUT,Ross slots in a putt for the Birdie..heh-heh.

5th Hole : David chips on his third to within 20 ft and sinks a great putt for a four net three....fair do's a four here is equivalent to a birdie in my book.

Ross playing very steady golf and has 18 pts as we walk off 8th green and is up in every game.

9th hole and "The Fuck-Up Fairy" (F.U.F) arrives on Ross's shoulder. Tee shot into bush on left of green, stupidly takes a wedge and blasts it into rear of"desert bunker" on right, delicately chips it to front of same bunker, before finally walking off with an eight.

10th Hole....Snap Hook returns to Ross

13 th Hole: Robin Drives his into banks of the burn! He was hitting some amazing Drives on Saturday.

16th Hole ; Ross puts 8 iron into bunker on left right up against side wall,BUT he gets on his knees and spins the ball out to leave a 7 ft down-hill putt which he sinks(Lilly feeling smug!) However Dave P in an unsporting /rude moment sinks his putt for a TWO. This makes the big game ALL Square.

17th Oz Git and Tax man win hole.

18th ? I refuse to comment on the 18th hole..much bad language and I handed single tie to the left handed Oz man and Bill G lets me down by only getting a par.

So, Bill G and Lilly buy the drinks...but it was only £7 cos it was too close to tea-time for rolls and soft drinks in abundance and Robin had to leave before drink..perhaps a slow day has it's compensations.

On another note,One of my nice new White gloves is wearing out already!

Robin suggested I was grippng the shaft too tightly? but I feel extra lubrication may be the answer?

I was privileged to play Aberfoyle with Monkey on Sunday....I strongly recommend you to try to get a game there before Andy membership expires...it's a lovely course,and it's only 40 mins from Clyde Tunnel...if there a 4 ball going I'm up for it!!

May the F.U F. visit you ALL in my next matches against you.

Lilly

---

Irish Trip

8 Folks have signed up for the Irish trip and what a group it looks like being. I sense that this one will be long remembered in the anals of Nooners history!

Green Jacket

An update on the Green Jacket (14/6/04): Now have 18 acceptances and 1-2 possibles for the Green Jacket golf with 15 confirmed for the dinner. Still a few past Nooners to contact, would appreciate if people could spread the word. Should be a good day.

---

Monkey Looks for Sponsorship

Many thanks to all who sponsored me on Saturday for my forthcoming Midsummer madness. Details on the charities and events are available on the following links: Correyairack Challenge - 43 mile Mountain duathlon (3/7/04) Highland Cross - 50 mile coast to coast duathlon (19/6/04)

---

Monkey's random bumblings

Random bumblings centre around tapering this week. I am starting to get ready for my big events, so some people take three weeks to get ready, not me, three days of resting and I'm absolutely climbing up the walls ready to go. Next week will see a big report in this section about my progress in the first of my Midsummer Madathon events, the Highland Cross, I don't want to overtarget times, but have a rough idea of what I'd like to do. We'll see, probably shouldn't be looking forward to the pain so much, but why not!!

Monkey takes the money and stops Charlie!

The monkey drained a huge putt on the last to put a stop to Charlie's almost perpetual winning with a respectable 38 points. The monkey got off to a good start as so many did, a birdie at the first with a drive - 5 iron par 5 followed by an easy par at the second and a two-putt birdie on the third. Up and down for a par on the 4th and the same again on the 5th. A short putt missed on both 8 and 9 saw the monkey out in 36, level par. For someone who doesn't play too much not that bad. On the way back a few short missed putts were missed on 11, 12, 15 and 16 and lipping out with the chip on the 17th meant that the monkey felt he had left a few shots on the course. A drilled driver off the deck up the last set up his birdie opportunity and beating Charlie by one point. Whoop!

Lily's column

Well,what a scorcher on the Darley!

An excellent day for Tam +Ross to accept free beer/rolls from Peter+Charlie,and yet P+C beat us in both singles ties AND both had more Stableford points.

It's all about Team-work guys.Although Tams 4 birdies helped (Charlie ONLY had 3).

Hilites? Well Ian MacGruer gave Tam a quick one(lesson) just before we Teed off and suggested Tam had a flying elbow? or something...well it certainly worked as Tam was Driving REALLY well even by his own high standards.

Despite having a seven at the Eighth Tam was only one over par at the turn!

However,when Tams wheels fall off...they Really fall off!

A five at the par three 12th,a lost ball on 13th,and after a SUPERBE drive on 14th,we never found his ball (not a happy chappy),the 15th saw him being distracted during his second shot into a bush and another lost ball!

Wheels back on again though and he finished in style.

Other events? Charlie had 37 points,despite a couple of "howler" drives (5th +10th)

In fact,his 5th hole was a peach when I look back. Drive into "the gulley" reload to right edge of fairway,3 wood hooked into bushes on left...reload and repeat process!

Peter was playing steadily although found himself 2 down with 3 to play against Ross! and yes you got it,all square on 18th tee and Peter wins the hole.

A difficult day for yours truly..a strained back on first tee took approx 5 holes to ease off,and a great fightback by myself,only to blow it at the end (RETURN OF SNAP-HOOK)

Charlie must have lost at least 6 balls,so to have 37 points just shows the potential of this jovial nooner!

Time for me to polish up the Summer League trophy and hand it over me-thinks.

Peter R looks dangerous this year and if Tam keeps driving like he is,;well he'll be there or there-abouts.

Oh, a nice bit of "totty-spotting" on 6th green raised Charlies sap to the extent that a golden retriever was in severe danger of being Birrelled....speech play in abundance!

A good day,if a bit slow..thanks for the beer guys!

Lilly

ps Previous Wed evening saw a Classic "Ellis Shank" by the man himself on the 4th on L/Green....almost at right angles! Magic.

pps I'll be at Green Jacket...and other nooners should really be making the effort if at all possible..if you can't make the "day" you can make the evening!!

---

Irish Trip

8 Folks have signed up for the Irish trip and what a group it looks like being. I sense that this one will be long remembered in the anals of Nooners history!

Green Jacket

An update on the Green Jacket: Have been in touch with Belleisle and have faxed a booking for 6 tee times for the Green Jacket starting at 09:22, and 14:37 on Seafield. If we have more than 24 starters then we may need someone to book the week before. So far I have there are 11 starters, but more to be contacted or to respond.

---

Monkey Looks for Sponsorship

Many thanks to all who sponsored me on Saturday for my forthcoming Midsummer madness. Details on the charities and events are available on the following links: Correyairack Challenge - 43 mile Mountain duathlon (3/7/04) Highland Cross - 50 mile coast to coast duathlon (19/6/04)

---

Monkey's random bumblings

The monkey was partaking of his first triathlon last Sunday, the Stirling novice triathlon. Mmn, mixed bag really, 90th place in the swimming, 8th place in the cycling and 10th place in the running for 16th place in the novice overall. One senses that a lot of work on my swimming is needed.

In truth it was a little short for me, a bit of a sprint. Can't wait for some of the long stuff that I have coming up (with thankfully no swimming!)

Stephen takes the money!

Stephen Brownlow walked away with the money on Saturday after a fine (if slightly flukey according to his playing partners) display. Stephen was apparently deadly with a putter in his hand and made a stack of points on his way round. This display lead to Stephen winning the second class medal as well so that is another £11 to add to the kitty that he won. Also in the money was Mark Norman who won the 3rd class for £11, so all in all a pretty successful Noonering day.

In the Monkey's game this week Bill Collier and the Monkey horsed Bala and David Powell by about 5 and 4 (or was it 6?). After getting to 5 up through 10 it never appeared in doubt although you can never be certain with the amount of gamesmanship that was going on in our game. I think both groups gave as good as they got! A good fun day to be out, the weather was oddly good in that the rain went away later on but the fact that it had rain had detracted from some of the people who may have played otherwise.

Where would an update be without Ross? Well, no stories from Ross this week, but he has taken to wearing gloves whenever he plays, I can't really understand it but rumour has it that these ones have diamond studs as he can't get round a course without some piece of slightly feminine gear on (no pink jumper this week)!

Irish Trip

8 Folks have signed up for the Irish trip and what a group it looks like being. I sense that this one will be long remembered in the anals of Nooners history!

Green Jacket

Monkey Looks for Sponsorship

You folks may or may not have received an e-mail from me regarding sponsorship for my midsummer madathon of the Highland Cross and Correyairack Pass, two duathlons (run / bike) amounting to 93 miles. There are a number of charities being supported by these two races and I'm looking for anyone out there to sponsor me. Simply e-mail me an amount of pledge / sponsorship and I'll more than happily take the money off you. If you want any more details please e-mail me as I'll be more than happy to discuss my lack of sanity with any of you!

Monkey's random bumblings

Most of my bumblings are above, first triathlon this week, just a novice one, it's so short that I'll have to sprint most of it, so it will be a 45 minute thrash. Triathlon is one of my big goals that I still have left but my swimming has a long way to go. I'm sure you'll hear more as time goes on!

Brian heads the field (of 2)

With the Jubilee on at the same time, only two Nooners played in our times. David Powell took on Brian MacDonald in a classic encounter!

David tells the story:

Don't know how many guys played in the Jubilee but Brian MacD and I were the only only ones left to play Darley. Big mistake on my part, ended up sandwiched between two groups of Swedes for 4.5 hours, played rubbish and got hammered by Brian.

Brian had one of his big grin days, when you wonder how he can still have a handicap of 24!! A front nine of 44 with an 8 on the 5th left me sitting 7 down afetr 9. The highlights (from Brian's viewpoint) were back to back birdies on 7 and 8, each for net 1 and 5 points each! Other not so bright lights were the chip in from 20-30 yard on 10 to save par, reaching the 14th green in 2 to then 4 put (made me feel a bit better!) and the arcing 20-30 ft put on 16 for par.

With regards the Jubilee, Wrighty tells a short story:

Jubilee was good, and we hung about for a few beers bert Ferguson won with Warren runner up in the scratch. 71...73.

You must ask Janahan about his shank (otherwise known as an Ellis) down 11, ended up just short of the 12th fairway. A wee bit of club chucking too.

Irish Trip

8 Folks have signed up for the Irish trip and what a group it looks like being. I sense that this one will be long remembered in the anals of Nooners history!

Green Jacket

Monkey's random bumblings

A bit quicker in updating the site this week. My Saturday was taken up running another half marathon but the truth is that it really isn't enough. Running halfs is tough but you can run them slowly easily. Running anything above 17 miles is the stuff that will hurt. So a bit unfulfilled from Saturday's activities. Who knows might come back to golf soon as hit some balls reasonably on Sat morning!

Charlie takes the money (again!!)

Well, we thought that getting Charlie to join St. Meddans would stop him winning most week's kitty, turns out otherwise as he picked up another kitty, that must be three in the last 5 weeks.

David tells a short story this week:

A good turnout, but very slow, almost 5 hours for those bringing up the rear. Charlie B took the money with 38 points, with only a sprinkling of birdies.

I have no real highlights, apart from making friends with my putter, and while it didn't make much difference to my points, it felt better. Hopefully someone from the front groups can make a contribution.

More stories from this Saturday provided by the Graeme "Gretsky" Wright:

OLD WRIGHTY REACHES NEW LOWS.

Not sure about this but I think I just about managed to break 300 this week.

Played with Janahan (Precious McKenzie) v the bandit duo of Birrell, Chas (Dick Turpin) and a certain Thompson Robben (Mein Taxen Fuehrer).

They were playing golf and I was playing Hockey.

Got a right Royal rogering from Turpin 7/6 and no sooner had he removed himself from the Wrighty rear end, in horsed The Fuehrer 6/5.

Felt sorry for Precious, all that strain carrying his partner,allied with the need to shoot a low score for the club championship. To put the icing on the cake, he left early to see to something that he hadn't done for around a month. NOT WITH A BAD BACK I SAY. In fairness he did say at the start ' Wrighty, its you and me, now don't f.ck it up'. SORRY ONCE AGAIN!

D.Turpin deserved his win, 38 was pretty good on Sat.

The Fuehrer certainly hits a great ball, and his driving was very impressive, although a ten handicap????

The chat was good and the crooks were both very noble in victory. To put a suitable end to the Wrighty day, he came down with the dreaded GA(Golfers Arse). Walking up 17 and 18 with 2 broken bottles between his cheeks. Apart from all that Sat was great! Beer marvellous and chips and cheese, perhaps the finest ever consumed.

A nominee for shot of the day from Janahan, his second to seven from some way back to about four feet, along with a fine 2 for D. Turpin on 9. Nothing else to report.

Irish Trip

The Irish trip has been postponed until September, the 9th to 12th. Could anyone interested please get in touch with Brian (Brian@nooners.co.uk). From last year's reports this would be a very worthwhile one to go on.

Monkey's random bumblings

Mr Kerr apologises for the tardy updating of the site this week, been moving back to Troon this week with the longer term goal of disappearing to the world's multisport capital. It will make me far more flexible in moving, so just need to set up a job or a visa and then I'm off.

As to last weekend I used my Saturday to run up Goat Fell, a rather nasty 2 hours of my life was spent running from Brodick to the top of Goat Fell and back. On the way down after all the perilous steep downhill stuff I came to a flat bit and caught a rock and fell over. The only bonus was crossing the line covered in blood, I must have looked very stupid (nothing new there then!).

I believe that I may be doing a half marathon on Saturday, but probably do need to play some golf at some point!

Gunn takes money from Roebuck

Within the confines of once a Nooner always a Nooner, the biggest bit of news this week comes from Warren's round on Saturday. Warren shot 67 scratch to win the first class by a country mile. By my reckoning he must have had around 7 birdies if not more, so the next time you see him be sure and cross his palm with silver / gold / why not go for paper.

In the Nooners this week Bill Gunn took the money, David Powell takes up the story:

Considering the weather before we started, it turned out to be a reasonable day. From the quality of the scores you might not think so, but it was ok. Bill Gunn won the money on a countback from Peter Roebuck. Wrighty and Ellis waited for the rain to stop before coming out to play (Who was that calling them whimps?)

Can't think of any mentionable highlights apart from being hauled over the coals by Margaret for the slowness of our early fourball, who were timed to finish 25 mins behind the group in front. The rest of the day was downhill into a black hole after the most pathetic putting display on my part. Embarrassing to say the least and by the end was afraid to even pick the putter out of the bag. Never mind, it's only a game!!

Please take note of David's note on the early time from last week, your place on the course being immediately behind the group infromt not immediately in front of the group behind etc.

More stories from this Saturday provided by the late riser Wright:

Well I beat Elsie in a thriller. Was 3 up after 3 and as he said 'Granny's on'. Neither of us played that well and we slugged it out going up 18. I duck hooked off 18, as he did - He hit a good iron up through the gap - I topped a 3 wood - I then tried to smash a 3 iron and was behind the front bunker right, leaving him about 5 iron on to the green. He put it on the 1st tee on the Fullie. I then told my partner to watch me chip it into the bunker (just as i had done at 17) and thinned it into the face, up it leapt at rate of knots and ran into 5 ft. He hit a great pitch to about 15/20 ft and missed leaving Wrighty to hole his only put on the day for a 1 hole win. The Wrighty putting was shocking. Would have been better off with a trowel.

Only trouble is Ping don't make them.

I did birdie 8 and hit a majestic 5 wood into a bit of a breeze at 15 to 6 feet.

Ended up holing a good 3 footer back for a 3. Hit it on to 5 feet at 2 and missed. Hit it on to 6 feet at five and missed, and was close at 3 and missed. Managed to 4 stab at 12 (hee hee, ed.) 3 putted 4,6,10,11,16 and 17. Big Elsie's driving on the first 3-awesome. 1-topped 20 yds, 2-topped 50 yds into the bushes right and 3-thinned into the munchies, hence 3 up. He did hit his 3rd at the first, a majestic 3 wood from short of the mound on to the green to about 10/12 feet and secured a good 5 and an inch short of a brilliant 4. He hit a good one up 4 on to the ledge and shanked his second down to the 5th tee. He hit a good one down 12(left) and shanked his second down beside the big tree at the left of 13, and he managed another at 16 from the dip short right he knocked his third into the gorse bushes at the r/h/s of the green.

Apart from all that he played o/k, Big Shankie Elsie.

Played with another guy called Bobby Gault. He must have won on Sat, gross 80 less 12=68. Hit it arrow straight, and putted like a god on very average greens. He carried Elsie round the front 9.

Today (11/05/04) a certain friend of David "Shanker" Ellis came to his defence, he had this to say:

Dear Nooners

In regard to Mr Ellis's golf last week with a very smug sounding Wrightie I feel the following must be taken into account.

1. He layed 2 lawns the weekend before.
2. He was rammed up the a**** on Monday.
3. He was struck by lightning on Tuesday.

Regards

Craig Hood.

Lily's column

Irish Trip

The Irish trip has been postponed until September, the 9th to 12th. Could anyone interested please get in touch with Brian (Brian@nooners.co.uk). From last year's reports this would be a very worthwhile one to go on.

Times next week

Times this week are 5 from 11:28 with a spare at 1300. Time bookers are D Ellis, I MacGruer, R MacKillop, E Murray, David Powell and G Wright.

Monkey's random bumblings

Random bumblings this week are made up of my Sunday pursuits, the Deeside duathlon. The challenge to get from Braemar to Aberdeen by cycling 34 miles, running 10 miles and then cycling a further 13 miles, so 57 in total and some top race action. The first 34 miles were taken on at some pace and most people went a bit mad. I managed the first 34 miles in one hour twentynine minutes, averaging around 23.5 miles per hour (not too shabby), the run was tough though and took about an hour and 20 minutes. The other 13 miles were a bit of a blur, but weren't too bad in 42 minutes. So all in all, 57 miles in 3 hours 33 minutes and 20th place from 43 entrants. From what I have seen of duathlon fields that was a fairly serious field, so not too shabby at all!

Payne and MacDonald share the spoils

Two players in with 40 points this week, in what apparently was a waiting game of almost 5 hours, Brian and Alan managed to persevere to decent totals. Not too shabby for Brian on the Darley at all. I'm fairly certain that the early time owe the later time winners the kitty as Neill Woods seems to have a nett 72 and is in the money with St. Meddans but this doesn't match Brian or Alan's scores.

George seems to be taking the initiative in the league with 17 points from a possible 20 at this early stage with Tam just behind with 13 from a possible 16. David Ellis appears to remain the only unbeaten player in the league, but he has only played one game!

Steven Aird takes up the story of the early game:

Just a small note to tell of Eric Murrays shot of the day .

Teams: N.Woods + S.Aird VS B.Collier + E Murray

Woods + Aird go two up after two

3rd Hole: Not bowing to this relentless pressure Eric hits good drive,chips to 25-30ft and with his uncompromising crouching putting style holes out for birdie (Great Putt).

4th Hole: Bill and Eric win this to be level,the rest of the round was a nice walk in good weather with poor golf but very enjoyable.

Neil and myself eventually winning on the 18th.

The results for the summer league: N.Woods beating B.collier and E.Murray / S.Aird beating B.Collier and E.Murray.

Hope the Lads received the kitty,we left it behind the bar.

ps Can anyone tell me if Eric returned at 5.00pm to collect his birdie winnings.

Irish Trip

The Irish trip has been postponed to September, the 9th to 12th. Could anyone interested please get in touch with Brian (Brian@nooners.co.uk). From last year's reports this would be a very worthwhile one to go on.

Times next week

Times this week are 5 from 11:28 with a spare at 12.30. We need three more time bookers, so any volunteers hugely appreciated.

Open Marshalling

The club still (as at 26/4/04) requires volunteers to help out with marshalling at the Open this year. If you are available please contact me and I'll get appropriate forms sent out to you.

I can confirm that the club has been allocated the 2nd hole for the week of the Open, an ideal spot if there is a play-off as St. Meddans marshalls will get a front row seat! It's also right next to the beach!

Monkey's random bumblings

It seems that even the mountains of Scotland get overcrowded when the sun comes out. The tranquil bliss of Ben Lomond was amazingly crowded on Saturday. In what was a nice walk the Monkey took it easy this weekend and walked to the top of Ben Lomond. A quiet week ahead of a 58 mile duathlon this weekend, big report next week.