Grump's News - 23rd JAn 2010

Aifter The Feastie : Sat 23rd Jan 2010

Having attended Dundonald Burns Club Supper last night, I knew I must have had a good night cos when I squinted out through the curtains on Sat morning, my vision was still blurred  and hazy ! “must have been the Johnie Walker Black Label, I surmised.
However, having splashed cold water on the face and re-hydrated the mouth another attempt to look at the daylight revealed thick FOG was actually present in Barassie after all.
The Grumps gather at 10:00 and a goodly number there are too. All keen to actually get out on the course following the Arctic conditions of last few weeks……what the hell do you do on a Sat when course shut ????
Messrs Davidson and Quig (still in “civvies” ) arrive at 10:10 and are advised to “get an effin move on” as the draw is at 10:15. Muttering/ Grumbling  is heard.
As the draw commences, news spreads to the group that someone on the course has ben hit “full on” in the face by a golf ball…..ouch. Better get on the course quick before the Health + Safety Police decide it`s too dangerous to play in the fog. Actually visibility was approx 150 yds which was ok for most Grumps but a few of us hit the ball further than that, so being responsible golfers we make sure that group in front is well clear before hitting off.
I`m in second 4 ball: Peter + Ross Vs Rantin Rovin Robin + Malcolm.
Interesting draw as on Friday Robin + Gerry beat Peter + Ross and we had to buy the food and drink, so this a great opportunity for revenge.
Speaking of The Draw….usual shambles….was there 17 balls in the bunnet or 18 ? Think we ended up with Three 4 balls and two 3 balls…good kitty. Couple of guests Ray and Fraser are welcomed to the party.
Robin wins First with a four and shaves the hole with second shot on second hole but Pedro gets the half. ( Rossco gets stuck in the only bunker not GUR )
Peter takes the 4th with a sweet par ( Rossco stuck in another bunker here ) All square. Some decent golf being played by Robin + Peter keeps the match tight. Rossco still wondering what `s lurking in his guts after previous night excesses….certainly plenty of hot air in the Gortex trousers this morning !

 “Oh what a horrible beastie
Lurks in yer belly aifter the feasti
As yer golfin wi yer kin
There starts to build an enormous win “

My farting soon starts to blow away the fog though and by the 5th hole it`s almost clear. Peter wins 8th and Rossco contributes at 9th….two up at the turn. Peter has 23 points, Rossco 15 points.
We have a 4 ball in front of us and a 3 ball of Angus, Ian Logan and Al Quig behind us…”get an effin move on “ seems to be today`s phrase and Al is using it at every opportunity.
At the Dog leg 11th my blind second shot to green finds a bunker  grrrrrrrr but wait it`s GU rrrrr ya dancer…a wee lift out and I sink a long putt for a three…and four stableford points to boot. Ah yes, a lovely day gents…Arran has appeared with a wee snowy cap and the sun peeping through the haze. It`s great to be back is it not ? 3 up with 5 to play…smug meter going into the red zone. I wonder what the soup will be today Robin ?
12 Hole ( Using a tee mat ). Rossco`s tee shot must have topped the ball or driven down on top of it and it smacks off the wooden frame at front of tee mat ? taking a chunk of wood off it but the hard surface acts as a launch pad and it goes a very respectable distance up the fairway…some you win. Robin is wild and right in rough and Malcolm + Peter safe up middle. Malcolms second would have been where the gorse used to be on left and he flukes a putt for a four which wins hole…back to 2 up.
13th Hole ( Malcom stroking) Wilson Man gets a four net three…good enuff…1 up.
Par three 14th  and this time Robin gets the par which beats Peter and Ross. Bloody hell….lost 3 holes on the trot….all square…
Despite both P + R getting threes at the tricky 16th they fluke the half  (probably Malcolm ).
17th : Malcoms drive in the bunker (ha ha) Robin way left (wanker) Peter safe enough so up steps Rossco…gie it a whack old lad…BIG SLICE over railway and heading for the houses…oops. Guess what ? Malcom`s bunker is GUR and he gets the four to win hole despite my five (Peter made a balls of it).
So one down on 18th tee….your sacked Roebuck. Big drive from Robin and Malcolm steady up left as is Ross. Peter safe enough.
Ross hits green with second but 15ft from pin. Malcolm just short.as is Peter. Robin `s drive close to green, lines up carefully, and demonstrates a fine example of a SHANK…squrts it beyond the bunker on right of green.

        “ I`ll feel better in a while
I cannae help but raise a smile”

My putt goes close but 2 ft passed hole, Peter has a good attempt as well but also 2 ft passed it. All Wilson man has to do is two putt to half hole and win match “bet he lags it” says Rossco out loud. He smacks it 4 ft beyond hole  !!!!!Robin in the meantime has sclaffed a bump and run to 12 ft short…(we had forgotten he was still playing as Malcom was the threat ) The Shanker sinks the putt for a  four to half hole (Malcolm missed his) Bastard !!!! Soup + beverages are on us….AGAIN.
Good game though.

         “oh whit a fuss at Rabbies party
All for the sake of one wee farty !”

19th Hole :
Ian Logan wins big kitty  (43 points)(thought you were ill ya bugger) and Quig continues to moan about being held up , speed of play, order of 3 balls/4 balls, time of draw, state of chips, ….he seemed to be enjoying himself though !!!!
Big Neil McInnes tried the old “leave without paying trick” but failed to execute it fully.
Great to be back again wasn`t it chaps ? Me + Peter playing Friday morning if anyone free….let me know…meet at 10:30.

Grump's News - 17th Oct 2009

Indian Summer @ KGBC: 17th Oct:

Well, what a fabulous morning….a wee bit of frost but blue sky and not a breath of wind…..we are privileged indeed to be golfing at Barassie on such a fine day are we not .
Ten of us this week and the balls in the bunnet has me going out in last group and in 4 ball of Roy + Ross  Vs Brian + Alaister Q.
Al and Roy could hardly contain their joy at the thought of tramping through the rough looking for Brian`s errant balls for 4 hours again.
Stakes agreed as losers to buy first drinks .
Safe enough off first tee and three of us get sixes for the half and Brian`s form of last week has not deserted him as he hacks and blasphemes his way toward the green.
I excel myself on second tee and carve my drive onto railway line and into gardens beyond. That`s the first time I`ve managed that at the second and the consensus is that this is a pretty rare occurrence. Actually I`m a bit pissed off cos I`d formed a long term relationship with that ball as it did 18 holes with me last week and I`m now forced to re-load using my brand new Pro V which I normally keep for show and the draw only !!!!
Roy puts his second to 10 ft and downs the putt for a lovely birdie ..one up (nobody else got any points in our group !)
Tricky third hole brings Roy back to earth when after a great drive he produces a fine SHANK never to find his ball. Brian sensibly lays up to burn and walks off with two points…..puts a grin on his face but not enough to win hole. That honour goes to Rossco despite Mr Quig`s par four….I was stroking !!!! feel the warmth from Alaister toward Ross`s putter !!! 2 up. Followed by an easy 3 at the fourth and it`s 3 up.
Roy and I continue to “dove-tail”well and after seven holes we are embarrassed (aye right !) to report being six up ! “Large Brandies later  Ross ?” suggest Roy. Is that a wee puff of steam from Mr Q`s ears I see ?
However, you can`t keep a good man ( or Alaister ) down and back to back pars on 8th and 9th pulls it back to 4 up at turn.
17 to Rossco, 16 Roy, 15 Alaister and if you add Brian and Alaister points together they would be level with Ross !!!!!
However, the smug meter drops again when wee Killie Quig birdies the tenth with a long spawny putt….oh and Brian doubles his points total…back to 3 up in match and there is definitely a spring in the wee man`s step until Ross takes the 11th with a par.
Highlight of the round had to be on twelfth tee. Ross about to drive when a young lady in jodpurs and black boots instructs me to “walk on” ? and she continues this instruction ( to her bloody horse) as I cream one up the middle. As Roy tries to drive the said horse makes loud farting noise which results in the worst drive I`ve ever seen Roy execute into the crap at front of tee. On seeing Brian step up to play, same horse lifts his tail up and procedes to drop his load…..obviously been watching the man from Orkney for a while !!!
I`m in good shape but my second shot has a bit of a draw and my bloody Pro V must have found gorse and it must still be in there…..if you find it next week can I have it back please….I`ll put a note in clubhouse ! Quig wins 12th + 13th….back to 2 up and 5 to play…game on. However, we finally put them out of their misery on 16th green and a Stableford count shows that Alaister is one ahead of Ross. Roy never recovered from his horse incident but it seemed to inspire Brian who actually got 9 points on back nine holes….same as Roy !!!!
Suffice to say we both end up with 32 points but no cigar as Ian McK takes the honours with 34 points this week.
Guinness all round chaps ? and bring on The Stovies.
Dread to think how many balls Orcadian man must have lost again…but in his defence he didn`t waste time searching for ages and nobody was held up by our 4 ball which can`t be bad.
Another bounce game next week…magic
Rossco

Grump's News - 8th Aug 2009

Logan`s Run 8th Aug :

Well, what a pleasant round of golf I had on Saturday in the company of The Logans. Now, that`s two words you don`t often see in the same sentence : Logan and Pleasant.
Actually I would have tried to avoid their company obviously, but having chickened out of playing with Stephen a couple of weeks ago I really felt I had to go through with it this time !
The old memory let me down first thing and I arrived at 09:30 to find our tee off wasn`t `till 10:53. Options ? Big Neil suggested I go for a red wine in the clubhouse ?
I was contemplating going home for a coffee + toast ? but Angus (the golfer) suggested I head for the practise ground ? What a great idea….I`ll practise my bunker shots (ref Grumps News 1st Aug) which I did for half an hour with mixed success.
I wander back to meeting area to much abuse from Bunny Brownlow about taking this game too seriously (aye right ) and Stewart Kerr explains that his Sand Iron is specially designed for Scottish Bunkers and NEVER lets him down.
Anyway 10:53 arrives as do Logan Snr + Jnr. and we agree to play for £1,£1,£1 Stableford scores.
First Drives all respectable enough but mine has the traditional low trajectory with top spin and it rolls for miles up the middle (way past Stephens puny attempt which I point out with subtlety !) He comments that I`ll not know what club to hit for my second as I`ve never been that far up before !!! (smart ass ). I get my par which a fine start is it not ?
A perfectly positioned tee shot at second helps me get another 5 at second which is also fine.
Wow, another great drive at third from Rossco……I comment that I am being inspired by the Logans…..(another two words you don`t hear together Inspired + Logan ). But my second finds BUNKER on right of green !!! my heart is going like the clappers and my knees turn to jelly as I shuffle my feet and wiggle my arse: but out the ball comes…right over the green, but at this point who gives a f*** ? it`s oot ! and I`m satisfied with a six. Ian narrowly misses birdie by leaving putt short. Steve meanwhile is hacking about in the gorse and generally making an arse of it.
4th Hole: I take my putter off tee to keep it low and ball ends up just short of green .Ok, Ok it was a thinned 6 iron…stop being so picky.
5th Hole : Steve uses his 3 wood to “ keep it straight” (quote) and he blasts it into rough on right which may have caused a wee smirk on Rossco visage.
6th Hole : Always a tricky par 3. All three of us stick our tee shots on green and all within 12 ft…..right chaps, three twos here ? but not to be. Only one of us has the bottle to ram home their putt…..”who was that “ do I hear you ask ?   Moi.
What a lovely day it is.
7th Hole: Decent drives from Ian + Ross and Stephen has his 3 wood out again ? (the youth of today are slow learners) but this time he smacks it hard with a wee fade , helped by the wind and he bends it round the hump and it rolls for ages up the fairway…must have been 100 yds ahead of mine…S.O.D. contender I reckon.
8th Hole: first wee delay here but up till then the pace was just perfect.
9th hole:I point out that Ian has one point more than me so he looks favourite to win the first £1.
Eeek , I find bunker on right of fairway as does Stephen. He hooks it out to rough on left, and I whack a 9iron onto green…nae bother these bunkers ! Ian sclaffs and hacks his way to a nine as I recall.
So, at the turn, Rossco has 19 points, Ian remains on 18pts (heh-heh) and young Stephen ?...12 points.
Other highlights of the round ? Bump into Robin, who claims to be playing well , so why he was on 13th fairway when playing 15th I don`t know. He informs us he also has a 10 and 8 on his card.
15th Green: Stephen putting for birdie but stops mid stroke to allow Norman Brown to finish his loud conversation….and misses the putt !!! was that a wee trace of steam from the ears Steven ?
Ian has a really steady run from approx 13th hole on wards all pars….so 3 points at most holes.
Rossco loses his drive at 18th (it`s a tradition ) and walks off with a nine !!
Final result : Ian has 36 points , Rossco 33 pts and Stephen has less.
19th Hole : I`m looking forward to Stephen having to give me a pound in public, but he denies me this privilege by giving my £1 to his Dad .
Ian and Tom share the kitty.
Turns out that Stewart And Stephen Brownlow both contracted my H5N5 Bunker Virus and got stuck in the sand on several occasions !!!! I offered him £10 for his sand iron !!
Proposal for Grumps + Partners to attend Race night on 11th Sept :  afraid I`m away but a few are interested….get yer names down.
See you sometime…..I`m missing a few weeks .
Rossco

Grump's News - 1st Aug 2009

Grumps August Medal 1st Aug :

Despite the deluge on Fri night the weather f/cast was hopeful for our weekly abuse session at KBGC.
The random draw excelled again putting out Tom, Roy, Ian in same group of three.
I was drawn with Alt Quig + ex captain Ken Ferguson which suited me fine as I`d never played with Ken before.
I refrained from laughing at his hat which looked like something from the Bill + Ben show ( before your time Steve Logan ) and also stifled a laugh when he hooked his first drive on to 18th Fairway. (should have said that we were on the Traditional Course which I enjoy).
First 3 holes went well enough for us all and the conversation was convivial if a little polite by Grumps standards !
4th Hole : Ken uses an iron to lay up to burn…successfully and Alaister and Ross use Drivers….Al to good effect but mine is a long way back. A five iron with a strong breeze should get me to green me thinks ?....but I sclaff it into the torrent of the river Ganges in full flood…bollox !
I recover my ball from Barassie beach and flop an eight iron into left hand bunker too near the edge. Now, my bunker play is not what it used to be !...after five “swishes” I pick it up in embarrassment !  Alt Q asks why I didn`t put it out sideways ? ( I think “ why don`t you put my driver cover down your throat ya smart ass ?” but sweetly say that I wish I had in hind-sight.
Al`s drive at the stroke index one,  fifth hole is a cracker down the left which tempts him to go for the green…..he blasts it into gorse on left though…must be a lost ball but he thinks he may have cleared the crap ????.....and as the grumps in front confirm….it bounced off the sixth tee and into serious jungle at back of tee….he has to play it as it lies…with his wee short legs the grass is up to his waist and he fails to “get it oot”…but somehow succeeds second time and ball rolls over green into bunker (this cheers up Rossco) Al then sweetly comes out of bunker and sinks 12 ft putt for a six……well done Mr Quig.
6thh Hole   over the angled burn…Ken F whacks his drive into over-hanging tree and looses his ball…..ah Barassie continues to wreak havoc with it`s members !!!
par three 7th : only ball on green is Alt Q….who used his driver…( a wee learning there )
Rest of round ? I `m struggling to remember hi`s and lo`s….several lost balls…a couple more n/R`s….I walked off with 26 points….felt worse !
19th Hole : Ken F posted Al`s card without being signed. Robin and Steve L both had 31 points for kitty….but Robin had buggered off so young Logan wins kitty.
Another medal next week ? not a random draw though…..I have the pleasure of the Logan tribe…..see you next week….I`m away to the beach to practise my bunker play.
Cheers “Sandy” Mackillop

Grump's News - 27th June 2009

Teddy Grumps Picnic  27th June :

Today`s the day The Grumps have their usual round of scabby golf followed by Dinner and the odd glass of  wine. Sixteen scheduled to play and four 4 balls are drawn . Turns out the Club Event is a two man Texas Scramble so we agree to play in that event but go out in Fours…..interesting question number one : Can a two man team go out alone and mark their own card ??????
Rossco gets the ( now)  traditional abuse by turning up for the draw in shorts and sandals….bring it on guys ! Peter arrives a little late looking distinctly dodgy…this is quite rare for our Yorkshire colleague….however , he has good cause as he actually “retired” from GSK on Friday and was celebrating on Friday night…..he looked like he was on a different planet….” You`ll either be great or shite today Peter “ explains Rossco……but thank God I`m not your partner (for once I have sympathy with Brian who has that honour !)
First four is Ian MacK + Rossco   Vs Malcolm + George (The Arab)
Each player to use Nine Drives each…..hmmm I take a mental note to ensure it`s not me on 18th tee !!!!
I`ll not go through whole game but we started with my drive at first , Ian`s second, my third and my 12 ft putt for a birdie. Good start and good team work partner.
My drive at second was uninspired but safe and Ian blasts his up the middle..a cracker…..however, wisdom kicks in and I don`t pick up my tee shot until we confirm Ian`s drive is as perfect as we think…..it wasn`t !!!...it`s in the bloody burn ( you can`t get the staff can ye ?). However , Ian puts my tee shot onto green and we manage a paltry par.
And that pretty much set the tone for our round….we managed to balance our tee shots well…and were going round in around level par….the odd birdie and the odd missed putt but steady enough. George + Malcolm were a tad wayward (espec George)
Second question of the day….George took a practise swing with an iron and accidentally made contact with ball….off the toe narrowly missing the rest of us. He had not “addressed the ball”…..does the shot count ?...we played it assuming it DID count…but were not sure …Robin ? Roy ? Other opinions ?
Anyway, On 15th tee we had both used seven tee shots each and we both did decent drives up the middle….inevitably my decent drive was 50 yds short of Ian`s and although we could have reached the green we from mine we opted for Ian`s….hoping for a birdie….but we only manage a par. So, three drives left two of mine and one of Ian`s …unlike our colleagues who have to use all three of George`s.  George sticks his in the gorse !!!!! I get my shoulders through mine and it`s safely up the middle…another par results…one each to go.
My drive is decent enough but gets a wee bit snagged in semi on left…green reachable ….just…maybe….by Ian ??? Ian`s drive is quote “best of the day “ and it`s miles up fairway….no burn in the way this time ! Reluctantly I agree to play his drive as a birdie MUST be on the cards ! His wedge goes to very back of green (I thin mine through the back )….and the pin position ? right at front on top of a severe slope. Ian `s putt goes past hole and gathers speed down the slope almost off green (plonker ) Rossco`s putt ?.....a carbon copy of MacKenzies !!!! we walk off with a bloody bogey. I knew we should have used my drive !
18th tee : “keep the head down Rossco and turn the shoulders “ I tell myself.  Well, in a blur my swing goes AWOL, my legs buckle, and a hook into heather results….we hack into middle of fairway and on green in three and manage to 3 putt as well….poor finish after a decent round really. Net 70….not much better than our colleagues who manage 72. Great fun though……let`s head for the showers…..beer, banter and beef beckons !!!!!

19th Hole : George got some abuse from Gregor …something to do with tee time slots ? very stange as George thought he was Eric Murray for the day ? Anyway…Al Payne turned up and the single chap got a game at least.
Ross is given the wine list……but note….I go for the House Wine…..but the Sauv Blanc smelt of cats piss quote S Brownlow. I order the French red….but we get Chillean ?  Half way through we need more red…..and still two bottles of C. P. white left…..we swop for red !!!! Had to laugh at food orders….I think there were 11 steaks ordered…..talk about carnivours ! Neil ALMOST ordered a salad……but weakened and had steak pie !
Tea + scones, pancakes, meringues on table …..very twee…most of them left at end ! Rossco decides to take two home for adoring wife (hic) which is greeted by derision. Look I`ll put them in my pockets and they`ll be fine !!!! Anyway as get up from table the locusts descend and all scones /pancakes are pocketed by various Grumps.
Retiring to the bar the red wine is flowing…..all over the bloody table thanks to Neil being a clumsy bugger . Brian is slagged off for wearing jeans and denim shirt !!! and he has the audacity to criticise MOI ??? and gradually all sense of feeling is lost in our lips !!
Rossco picks up his meringues and toddles along the road happy as a pig in poo !
I present my good lady with two PERFECT meringues (which her and my daughter said were excellent ) and I slump into my reclining chair and fall asleep within seconds. 
A super day and evening….all`s well with the world is it not ?
Thanks to Alaister Q for arranging. Who won our sweep ? think it was shared between Alaister/ Robin/ and some other spawny buggers….but who gives a monkeys anyway ?
Course closed next week and 11th July is St Meddans Centenary golf + dinner. See you sometime ?
Rossco

Grump's News - 13th June 2009

Private Golf : 13th June.

Bit of a shambles at KBGC this week ! The original “plan” of a Mixed Fun Day shotgun start on Big Course was changed to two rounds on the 9 hole course. Now, I have to say that the original plan seemed stupid to me as the rest of us were going to have to play the 9 hole course which would have been mobbed. So, I was delighted to read that common sense prevailed and the Big Course was available as usual….however, it appears that only a few folk read the notice and the course was deserted…..it was like having our own golf course ! brilliant for us Grumps but I suspect those who stayed at home will be a tad pissed off when they find out !
Forecast was for heavy showers, so waterproofs and brollies were duly packed and definetly NO SHORTS !!!!
We had two 4 balls (perfect) and our group was Ian Logan + Ross Vs Malcolm + Tom.
Initially jumpers were on ( Tom had the jacket on obviously ) but within a few holes it was tee shirts all the way.
Tom`s ball clearly had a sand allergy as he fluked his way around/over bunkers all the way up the first and continued this with his Drive on second. In fact apart from greenside bunker at second he was being a spawny bugger for first 9 holes I thought, (in fact I think I may have mentioned it to him).
A very close match  ensued with the stakes being £1,£1, £1 and WINNERS buy the beers (just to be different)
Highlights ? Malcolms bunker shot from greenside bunker on second ? back of trap, down hill lie, and he somehow gently flicked it out to 6 ft…remarkable . My tee shot at the 4th was pretty impressive as I actually hit the green for once to 12 ft….but ruined it by 3 putting (wot a plonker ). Tom executed a fine birdie 3 at the 5th hole which I suppose I have to mention.
However, Malcolms golf at the par 5 Eighth was just awesome. Good drive , saw him well up fairway and he decided to “take on” the gorse with his second ( he`s mental I thought !!!) but no, he creamed it towards green , it bounced on the top of bunker  which killed the pace and it rolled to 4 ft. On the green in two…fantastic. Fortunately he 2 putted for the birdie and my esteemed partner sank a decent putt for a birdie as well….he-he !
Anything else ? Worth saying that Tom`s early luck ran out big time as the round progressed and the course had it`s evil way with him ! Nice shirt by the way Tom….bit like wearing a chequered flag ?
We won the first £1 on front nine (one up at turn) but it was aclose match but gradually class shone through (ok,ok it was Mr Logan`s class not mine) and we eased ahead to win the match on 16th green. They could still half the back nine though ….but Ian`s strong finish of par, par, par,par, par saw them off nicely.
£3 to us….what you drinking guys ?
19th Hole :
Ian wins kitty with 38 points to beat Peter`s 34. Rest of scores poor really.
Think I should mention that Peter won the Wed medal last week with a net 66. Well done Peter…..you are the man on form….and cut from 14 to 12 as well. Pity you didn`t play like that in the doubles !!!!!!
Grumps Dinner on 27th ? Can we bring it forward to say 3:30 ish please ? I have a works night  leaving do that I`d like to attend, and Malcolm has a similar issue ? Hey, two piss ups in one day…..life`s a bitch ain`t it ?
Rossco

Grump's News - 2nd May 2009

Fashion Icon Spotted at Barassie :

What a glorious morning for it eh ? Sun in the sky and forecast to remain nice for 3 days. Rossco decides it`s time to treat The Grumps to the sight of his fine legs and dons the shorts . On meeting Peter in the clubhouse he also decides to catch the breeze around his knees. Poor old Alaister MacLean is the third member of our group will have no chance today due to the glare from our peely-wally knees !
Needless to say Tom turned up with his waterproof  jacket !!!!
Whilst on the topic of fashion……where did you get that lime green T shirt Robin ? Obviously from the ladies section of T K Max.
So, much slagging before tee off (as usual) and it`s time for golf.
Game in front included Alt Quig who demonstrated a fine example of a duck hook off first tee and into the rough on left…..he never found it …..great start Alaister !
Unfortunately in our group Alaister MacLean does the same thing (the shorts are working) but he finds his ball ….he then hacked and sclaffed his way to the green and walks off with a seven. The duo in shorts get easy pars.
After a dodgy drive at second Rossco decides to paly safe and lay up to burn…..inevitably a gentle 9iron sails out of the semi and bounds it`s way into the bloody water ! What a tube. Peter gets his par follwed by a 5 at the third. This sets the tone for the first 9 holes really. He gas 20 points at the turn.
Alaister ?   pretty dodgy start but he eventually blocks out the shorts and has 15 points to the turn to Rossco`s 14. Why are the points important ? Cos in our 3 ball the best Stableford gets his food and drink free !
Alaister points out that we can easily catch Peter……this acts a “spell” and The Barassie Fuck Up Fairy (B.F.U.F.) lands on Peter`s shoulders. Think he went 6,6, 9, 6,3,5…..and another 9 at 16th to destroy his medal chance…..both me and Alaister are now ahead of him in Stableford…..remind me not to use speech play with Alaister…he`s a bloody master at it.
I screw up 17th hole to record a blob and loose my ball on 18th…game over.
Should mention Al`s hole in Two at the 14th…and he`s in the two`s sweep as well as getting free food + drink.
So Peter records only 9 points on back nine ….quite a collapse old chap. Alaisters recovery sees him manage 18points on second half…played the par three`s particularly well.
A slow round….four hours 40 mins ??    did wave through one group at 16th though.
Baking hot and a cold drink or two was very welcome.
19th hole : Steve Brownlow takes the kitty with 35 points. I complete my fashion statement with my sandals in the bar…..more abuse from Grumps….a few raised eye-brows from ex captains….but as he pointed out “the ladies are wearing sandals so it must be ok”……..fantastic…..think I`ll wear a floral print dress next week !!!!!!

   see you next week
Rossco.

Grump's News - 2nd May 2009

Monthly Medal and the Random Draw excelled itself this month didn`t it ? Think all the grumps were playing alongside other grumps apart from Roy and myself were joined by Davie Brand. Have to say that I personally approve of the idea though !
Anyway….to golfing matters.
Now, bit of a dilemma for me this week….I usually reserve these articles to slag off others (you may have noticed ? ) However, think I`ll break with tradition and slag myself off this week…..I can take it.
From the first tee chatter I could tell we were in for an enjoyable day as both Davie and Roy were in good “banter form”. I failed to hit a clean shot out of Seven contacts at first hole which looked bad compared to Davies Birdie 4.
Drive at second wasn`t great either, but I smacked a lovely 5 iron to green on second….but the Barassie Gods were agin me and it swung off to left of green into bunker …..I also caught sand on first hole so I just KNEW it was going to be “one of those days”.   First attempt cleared the face ,bounced on grass at top and back into bunker….bastard ! Second attempt….the same….F*** ! Third…smashed it into face ….wanker !  Fourth …repeat of first attempt, Fifth ?  ran out of energy (and sand) and it landed in a hoof print…..enough…I wave the white flag and pick it up ! Very embarrassing…..but my colleagues didn`t appear to be laughing too loudly and at least pretended to be sympathetic . N/R at second. Only a dick-head would N/R at second wouldn`t they ?
Ah well , I contemplate the fantastic scenery at 3rd tee …the gorse looks just fabulous doesn`t it ? And the sun is shining…..and who cares if my drive was at best mediocre ?
On the fourth tee one group on green, one set of grumps waiting and we join them. Turns out Brian also N/R`d at second.  Group behind us includes Alt Quig….he`s having a rant about the hold up…..and it turns out he also N/R`d at second !!!!! 2 balls over railway/fence I think ? This cheers me up no end.
Not a great deal else to report….Roy got a good birdie somewhere. Davie chipped in from off green at the sixth for a birdie two and we watch Alt Quig put his tee shot to 2ft at same hole….he also got his two which pisses Davie off….they are both in “two`s sweep”. (I got a par 3 which is my best hole to date)
Dog Leg seventh ?....flushed with my successful par I decide to see if my Driver would make a useful ploughing  device on the tee. Yep, I hit the deck 12 inches behind ball and scitter the thing into gorse at front of tee…..in anger I blast a provisional way out right and loose both balls……arse-hole .
However, the eighth hole beckons….an average drive lands on an upslope to left but despite the tricky stance I cream a five wood to “the corner” which is a real “nipple sucker” (opens up the hole)  A fine 5 iron finds the green and a twelve foot curling putt pops in for a birdie 4…..well , bugger me ….I can play golf after all.
14 points to the turn with two N/R`s…..it felt a lot worse.
Tenth Hole: Time for watering the gorse, having a banana, and a chat while we wait for the fairway to clear….eventually Roy reminds me that I`m still to tee off first…very subtle I hasten to add. Roy then proceeds to loose his first ball but gets a 3 with his second ball for a gross 5….good recovery old chap. Even I get another par.
We tee off on 11th hole and are accosted by a red faced Quig….”.for f***s get a move on”…”the guys in front were nearly aff the green by the time you teed off “
We contemplate this outburst and respond in the traditional manner “away and raffle yersel ya wee shite !”    but we decide to catch up with game in front again anyway….which we did AT THE NEXT TEE.
A small victory to Rossco on 17th tee when I finally out-drove Davie (we had been tusseling all day) by ooooh  2 ft…but he got his par and I got a six.!

19th Hole : Quig continues to complain….this time the soup was cold ! so he sent it back. Robin came in with his face tripping him (poor round ?) but visibly cheered up when Gail came in wearing fish-net stockings and asked him what he fancied today.
The kitty ? you know, I don`t know who won kitty ? probably wee moaning face frae Killie.
I`m away next few weeks….any contributions to markn@nooners.co.uk

Rossco

Grump's News - 18th April  2009

Wot A Royal Rodgering !

Eleven Grumps this week with confusion around the times. (what bright spark thought that having a Lamlash Club Vs Barassie on Sat am was acceptable??)
Anyway, the draw was made at 11:00 with a chilly wind in our faces  and Rossco in second 4 Ball.
Robin + Malcolm Vs Alaister Q + Rossco
Should be no shortage of abuse this morning then !
The stakes are agreed as losers buy food and drink, which certainly got Al excited.
Just about to tee off when we notice Tom C has donned a pair of specs ? (reckons it will improve his game…does nothing for his appearance though…..)
Rossco first drive, a thing of rare beauty down the fairway . Al  pulls a bit left as does Malcolm. Robin 5 clubs Thompson takes out his 3 wood for safety and produces a HUGE Duck-Hook which sails miles up the EIGHTEENTH faiway ! Contender for BSOD ( Bad Shot Of Day) already.
AQ gets his birdie 4 to go one up (Robin actually salvaged a 5 if I remember correctly) Malcolm ? he sclaffed and hacked his way forward to get an Eight.
Second Hole: Robin tries to clear burn….in the water ! lifts out and repeats the water shot. Malcolm is way back after tee shot and we encourage him to play his second as the way he`s playing he`ll not reach the green in four today….he creamed it to just short of green much to the chagrin of Steve L in game in front ! (good result there then !) We win hole though…2 up
Tom C has thrown away the specs already !!!! (still ugly bugger though)
3rd Hole: A majestic Four (net 3) from Rossco takes it . “what`s the score now Alaister ?” I innocently enquire,  “ we`re 3 up “…”.and how many have we played ? “ err…three ! “
Wooly hats are removed.   
A nice par at the 4 th from Al takes another hole…4 up.
Fifth Tee : I find sand but Al is safe. Robin is miles up the middle. Malcolm (also playing 3 wood for safety) emulates Robin`s first tee shot, goes way left, clears the rough, clears the railway, and lands on Western  Gailes ! “ach it looks quieter there anyway Malcolm you might as well just play there “…..Al wins this hole as well.
5 up.
Sixth Hole : A six iron lands on green and Rossco`s 3 wins another hole. The wise cracks have stopped as we fear for our well being now !!
Waterproof jackets removed as the weather continues to warm up !
Aye, six up after six holes…..first time for everything  Al + Ross agree.
However, all good things come to an end and Robin birdies the dog leg 7th  to go to 5 up until Ross takes the 8th with a par….six up again !
Despite hitting the sand off tee on ninth hole and playing out sideways, Robins third goes to 2 ft ( SOD ?) and a tap in for par 4 , wins hole.
5 Up at turn…..a long way to go yet though. Not a single halfed hole as yet either.
At tenth Robin tries the direct route to green…..and loses his ball ! Malcolm finally contributes and gets the par to half hole.
Al wins 11th…six up again.
Twelfth Hole.
Ross launches a top spin Drive (eat your heart out Andy Murray) which bounds it`s way down the middle. A good 5 iron goes 12 ft past hole but a nice curvy putt gives me the birdie 3 at this tricky hole ! Game, Set and match and a Dog Licence to boot !
What a great day it is now…..down to tee shirts. Anything on “the bye” chaps ? oh right….that`ll be “no” then !
Mr Quig points out that my birdie was a 4 pointer and seems to resent it which surprises me (he is my partner after all ) However, now that we`ve won the game he now wants to beat my Stableford in an attempt to win kitty !  So he now turns his verbal assault on me….I`m actually one point ahead (heh-heh) and this becomes the focus.
Par three 14th sees AQ with a chance for a two….but it lips out for a three as does Ross..(nae luck Al) but I blob on the 15th .
16th Hole….par for Rossco all square ….oh and Robin has`nt given up yet either. On this hole he blasts his drive to right near bushes but it`s in GUR. Whacks a  three wood up the right again and suspects he`s lost it. Plays a provisional to left of green which up set the Grumps in front (again !!!). He then finds his first which has missed trouble and is on the path. His third shot is a cracker…SOD nae doubt. He stunned it into the up slope to kill the pace and it rolls to 2 inches for a birdie Four….fab shot old chap.
AQ and Ross level on 18th tee…..but my par putt fails to drop. Quig (the wee shite) spawns in his 4 footer for 34 points and wins the kitty as well.
All in all a great game of golf though and as Confucius say “tis better to do the rodgering than to be rodgered !”
19th Hole : More abuse from Grumps in front due to playing too early before off green.  Chips order was a shambles, soup was half portions ???? and slow….I blame the Arran outing…..but, who gives a F*** ?.....a great day was had.
Evening KBGC Quiz ?   Team Mackillop gets second place and Six bottles of wine as prize !
Life doesn`t get any better !
Spring Meeting next week …..see you then
Rossco

Grump's News - 11th April  2009

Another Saturday and a holiday weekend as well….superbe ! KGBC have organised a 5 Club Competition which we`ve entered. Now it states quite clearly that it`s 5 clubs PLUS a Putter…..so Robin turns up with 5 clubs INCLUDING his putter ! Typical of a financial advisor    when life is tough enough already he just has to make it tougher !
A decent day if a little slow and I`m a bit surprised to find I have 18 points at the turn. As ever only having 5 clubs seems to make very little difference and it`s fascinating discussing everyones tactics/approach.
Not much to report other than a wee incident around the 7th green.(Big Course).
Our 3 ball (Robin, Malcolm , Ross) had teed off on 8 th hole and were having convivial conversation/banter as we walked past 7 th green where Roy + Alaister Q were putting. Roy is about to putt but looks up at us, scowls, and walks away from putt . He then makes a hand signal which we took to mean “too much chatter, and shut the f*** up !” This seemed a tad harsh seeing as the wind was blowing in the opposite direction but we obediently shut up anyway !
However, it turns out we misinterpreted the hand gesture and this was explained when Roy walked into 19th hole. Ross greets him with “ah, here`s old grumpy Davidson” and “ aye, that`s me” is the beaming reply. “So what was the hand gesture all about  Roy ?” “Ach that was me doing an imitation of Quigs arse muscles twitching” “He FOUR putted that hole from 10 feet !” (and not an air shot involved)
Let me take you through it: From 10 feet he bottles his putt and leaves it 3 ft short. He then gets the yips and flicks it two feet wide. He then carefully lines up his two footer but leaves it one foot short before finally tapping in the side entrance !!!
19th Hole : Stewart Kerr may have won kitty but….Logans Junior + Senior are missing in action, but are rumoured to have decent points. Bit of a dilemma here but a vote is taken and we agree to spend the kitty money on another drink. Cheers guys !
Time slots a shambles next week due to Lamlash Club visit, need some red times at 10:30 ish ?
See you next week
Rossco
Ps Mr Quig refused to tell us about his four putt incident in case I wrote about it. I promised that I`d keep it a secret but he refused to talk. So, (like the Daily Star) I just “made it up “.

Grump's News - 21st March  2009

Stovies r us :  21st March

Bit of a foggy morning at Barassie this week as Grumps gather. Alaister MacLean arrives at 10:20 and asks “ can you guys not do the draw without my bunnet or something ?” To which the reply was that we have to wait for him cos he`s the only one with a big enough bunnet on account of his huge head !!!
Usual shambles of who has their balls in etc and we eventually get two 4 balls and 2 three balls. Some debate about the three`s going before the four balls but falls on deaf ears.
Rossco in a three ball with Tom and Steve B. Game of skins agreed with losers buying the drinks.
Highlights ?
Tom`s birdie 2 at eighth. Lovely 7 iron to front of green which rolled down to 5 ft….good putt to create a grin on his visage !
Interesting conversation when Steve was observing Brian`s swing in game ahead….Steve said that watching Brians swing made him worry….Tom stated that watching Tiger Woods swing had the same impact on him …..Ross stated that he`d never heard Brian and Tiger Woods swings being mentioned in the same conversation before !
Generally the pace of play was a tad slow….nothing to do with Grumps I hasten to add…but it gave Mr Quig an opportunity to winge and the rest of us enjoyed some intellectual banter.
Mentioned the skins earlier….bit of Deja Vue here (ref 14th Feb column). On the 14th tee Ross Ross had 4 skins, Tom had 9 skins (he picked up FOUR on the 12th hole…bastard) and Steve B ????...ZERO. However , he won the 14th hole which prevented Ross from being able to catch up with Tom…thanks Steve….ya tosser !
Should have mentioned the Dog Leg par five 10th Hole. Tom + Ross side by side on right edge of fairway… I state that I have learnt to be wise and play a safe 8 iron to the corner…perfect position ! Mr Craney decides he can clear the bushes and cut the corner…..aye right !!! he duffed it so badly he didn`t even reach the bushes ! I`m glad our education system is in safe hands !
Seemingly Stephen Logan got the birdie four at this tough hole though….look forward to hearing about it ?
I heard that Alaister MacLean got an Eagle Two at one hole…17th ?  A nine iron straight in the can !!   magic .
Once Steve B had screwed up our skins match we agreed to play for 50p on “the bye”….all to play for on 18th hole and Rossco in pole position….I over hit a 7 iron with a lot of draw (ok , ok …it was a hook !) , it landed on pratise putting area , bounced off clubhouse wall and came to rest under the bay window in restaurant…which had a gaggle of folk watching out as I retrieved my ball….very embarrassing !  Tom won the bye as well…cheap day for him !
19th Hole :
“who fancies my Stovies ? “ asks Gail……EIGHT Grumps raise their hands !!!!!
Alaister claims kitty with 38 points….Peter not happy as he also has 38 points but has been cut previously “it`s not fair “ was the cry……you know, you`re right Peter, it isn`t….get used to it !
A few of us are off to Roxburgh Thurs/Fri this week for the annual Mr MacDonald temperance gathering (12 disciples this year)….it`s a hard life !....and it probably wont be fair either !
BFN
Rossco

Grump's News - 14th March  2009

In the absence of Ross, your usual scribe, please find below a brief ‘Summary of Events’ for Saturdays Texas Scramble.

First group out was ‘Team Logan’ with ‘Malcolm in the Middle’ who set off at a blistering pace, managing to catch the game in front, on the eighteen hole!!!!!

Second group had quality within, Iain Mackenzie, Robin Thompson and yours truly. The key of course to Texas Scramble is ‘Teamwork’ and there was no better example of this than on the second hole where in order to ensure we used our tee shots effectively, the team chose my straight but pathetic rescue wood which landed halfway down the fairway.

Given the responsibility the pressure was on and I rose to the challenge by promptly shanking my second almost into the right hand bunker, Iain ‘unusually’ was unnerved by this, thankfully Robin hit the Green, though we were still 20 ft from the hole, manfully I holed the putt to save face and from a putter being inserted ‘where the sun don’t shine’ by my Teamates!!!

‘Highlight of the Day’ again featured Ian Logan, who, given last weeks exploits, with great dignity and gritted teeth crossed the Ossington Lounge and presented Pamela Lindsay, Richards wife with last weeks kitty. ‘What a Guy!!’

The Winter League is wide open with 2 weeks to go, so there is everything to play for and I can’t wait for the debate on the format for the Summer League!! Any suggestions? Matchplay? Stableford? Points? Attendance?

Finally the bi-annual dinner is proposed to take place on Saturday the 27th June on which day there is a Texas Scramble Competition, so put the date in your diary and confirm your attendance with Alistair.

See you Saturday for the 10.15am ‘Bunnet Draw’

P.S. Get well soon Roy!!!

P.P.S Where is Martin???!!!.

P.P.P.S Hurry back Ross to write this nonsense, all is forgiven!! 

Grump's News - 7th March  2009

 

Summary of Events for Saturdays medal

7th March Medal first day of new ballot system which appeared to be reasonably well received but looks like it could result in an integration of the ‘Grumps’ and the ‘Bandits’ which should really upset the rest of the field.

‘Shot of the Day’ Ian Logan on the 3rd drove to the side of the right hand bunker and then hit an iron on to the green and into the hole for a 2 ‘magic.’ More about Ian later.

‘Highlight of the Day’ As the group was well spread out they all came in at differing times and it looked like Ian Logan had claimed the kitty with 30 points and no cut, until Richard Lindsay came in as the last of the group with 31. Alistair Quig may need surgery to remove the smile from his face as he could not wait to let  Ian know; who had already left thinking he’d won and had ‘trousered the cash’

Brian McD like most of us had a torrid time on Saturday and lost a few balls, he also has lost a club so if anyone has found a Ping iron please let the big man know.

Texas Scramble this Saturday, get your name down if you have not done so already 2 or 3 man teams.

 

 

Grump's News - 28st Feb  2009

 

So, last Saturday of Feb and the last chance to topple Rossco from his rightful place at the top of the league before going into March when the league finishes.
13 of us show up so it`s one 4 ball and three threes.
First “oot the bunnet” and the 4 ball is Tom + Alaister Mac Vs Ian MacK + Rossco.
Losers buying the beers.
I`m sure I detected murmurings about being drawn out first (again) as we take our place on first tee. (look, I can pockle a card draw but not the balls draw…honest ! )
Some abuse about “why is 4 ball going out first ?” etc but 4 great drives shuts them up !
Tom and Al take off like scalded cats….practically sprinting up the fairway and this sets the tone for the expected pace of play….magic. We`re on the Dundonald Course which apparently is a 3 hour job ? I`m sure these two “auld yins” can`t keep up this pace eh Ian ? But we`ll see.
We lose first hole thanks to Al `s spawny long putt from off green to 6 inches and both Ian and I fail to convert from 3 feet.
2nd Hole: First BSOD (Bad Shot Of Day) Tom blasts his tee shot into bushes to the right of the tee (say 20 yds max)….hole halfed though as is 3rd  Hole.
4th : Tom pulls Drive into bushes on left but gets a spawney bounce back out of them. Al is on green after two and is 3 ft from pin after his putt…….My partner (the imbecile MacKenzie) lets him have the “gimmie” (Even Tom is gob-smacked) 2 down.
I`m forced to forgive my generous partner when he gets the two at the 5th hole though and it`s back to one down.
However, Ian (the idiot) loses his first ball at 6th and we lose hole. (ok,ok I should have halfed it but putter is shaky today). Ian points out that he got a birdie with his second ball……..and your point is partner ?
On to the “new nine” again…..and I lose my ball (it`s great to be back) Al gets a lovely birdie so we`re 3 down !!!!
Par three 8th: Rossco is only one on green and gets his three he thinks to win hole…..nah, Tom (tee shot in crap to left of green does a masterful chip to 12 ft and sinks putt…..the B******. Need birdies to win holes in this game.
9th Hole: We all ignore fairway. Tom + Al are in bunker by green after three shots. Al has terrble lie and impossible stance but somehow blasts it out. Tom succeeds as well and complains that there`s “no much sand in this bunker” Rossco points out that there was until Al blasted it all over the bloody green !!!! Ian wins hole with nice par so at the turn it`s back to 2 down which looks more respectable.
Al has 19points but is complaining about having a pain in his groin region. Pain in his groin region ?…..I`d like to give him a real pain in his groin…..he`s more like a pain the arse ! ( Rossco has 11 points !)
We win par5 tenth …back to one.
Tom thought his birdie at 11th had won the hole but I wiped the grin off his visage by pointing out I was stroking….ya beauty.
12 th ( oh yes…the glorious 12th ) Another BSOD from Mr Craney. He takes a wee wood  to be smart….and does the worst shot I`ve ever seen him do…..sclaffs it off tee (just) and into long grass 15 ft away on right. Nobody was brave enough to laugh for fear of getting said wood wrapped around ones neck ! To make matters worse, he had to play his second in front of the Grumps behind us …..the three ball had finally just about caught up with us  !
Suffice to say that we won the hole and Al is in trouble due to groin and limping badly……I told you they couldn`t keep up the pace.
All square. We half 13+14.
Par three 15th.  Rossco has a two foot putt for the 3 to win hole…..must be a gimmie surely ???? the silence was deafening…….with my sphinter twitching (curry last night) I somehow sink it  ( get it right up ye ) and for the first time we go ahead.
16th Hole.: Good to be in the lead at this vital stage eh partner ?
Ian `s tee shot goes right and into potential trouble. Rossco does a fine example of a Duck Hook into gulley on left. I hack out but fail to clear heather but my third finds fairway. So, I plan a deft 8 iron onto green….BSOD results. The shank of all shanks I swear went sideways (Ian reckons it actually went BACKWARDS ). I pick up my ball in shame.   We lost the hole !  All bloody square again !
17th: Another knee trembler putt for Rossco …3 ft cross slope…..gottcha ! Smug meter going off scale as we head for last tee One up.
Debating point ? Al `s second shot to 17th green plugs on fringe of green in uncut grass ?(4 inch long grass) Being gentlemen we give him relief (maybe I should re-phrase that) But, was he entitled to it if it was a medal day ?????
18th Hole:
We`re all on green in three (I`m nearest at say 6 ft away). Al is approx 20 ft away and has to putt first…….old bugger sinks it doesn`t he ! and the rest of us can only get 5`s.
Nae free drink today,  but a three hour round, no rain, and I really enjoyed the game.
(As Tom said “if this is the highlight of your week Ross you need to get out more”) I guess he`s right.

19th Hole: Peter is verbally abused by Roy for nearly hitting him with a ball on the course.
Peter is verbally abused by the rest of us for winning the kitty with 38 points.
Getting tight at top of leader board and Rossco missing next 2 weeks (my sad life will be even sadder.)
Cheers
Ross

 

     

Grump's News - 21st Feb  2009

15 Grumps on a dead man`s chest…..yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum !
OR   !5 Grumps hanging around waiting to play golf in the freezing cold cos the bloody course is jam packed and the extra 9 holes, which we are paying for, is empty !
Having got that off my chest….we do eventually set off…four 4 balls and one 3 ball. ( or , in Alaister McLeans world ????? Five 3 balls ?????)
The balls in the bunnet method does have it`s positives in that it`s actually quite hard to “pockle” the draw. (this may be a negative to some ???) but it also does have some downsides viz someone gets a cold head, it`s a big bunnet that takes 15 balls, and you have to call out the ball make (Wilson 2 if your Malcolm or Top Flite 3 if pay for your balls) and we then have to identify who`s ball is who ! “Oh I`m playing that ball as well…but mines got a logo on it “ meanwhile some poor sod is trying to tee off on the first !.
Howevr, the draw is sorted eventually and I`m in a fine 4 ball and in the match it`s
Brian Mac + Alaister Q  Vs Ian L + Ross.
The stakes are agreed  “losers buy the drinks”.
My thinned second shot to green on the first hole to 6 ft is the crucial shot on this hole (some folk would have been embarrassed !!!!) and we win it with a four.
My partner takes the second with a four as well…2 up.
Big Mac appears to have lost his ability to drive (he has been scarily good of late ) and looks like he`s in for a tough day.
He confirms this on the third tee (clubs left next to second green) by taking an almighty swish at his ball….the swing was just a blur it was so fast..the club head JUST made contact with ball with the heel and it scittered into rough on left approx 10 ft from tee….ah….Clubs 30 yds away ….bugger it “I`ll just use my driver from the rough”  another 10 ft of progress results but he goes for an iron this time and gets rewarded. Somehow Alaister sneaks the half on third and wins the fourth . His second shot to green is first contender for Shot Of Day…..if only he could putt the birdie was on ! Back to one up.
For such an early stage in the match there is some pretty barbed speech play going on but everyone is giving as much as receiving.
The details of sixth, Seventh and Eighth have been erased from my memory, but suffice to say that THEY won all three holes and at the turn we find ourselves two down. (when I say THEY , the fact that Quig is complaining about a sore back from the weight he`s carrying is significant)
On the tenth tee I do the honourable thing and re-sign as captain and Mr Logan takes command .
We win next THREE holes to go back to ONE up…..a few nice putts from Rossco managed to frustrate the hell out of them and our “smug meter” is off scale.
On the 13th hole Rossco is in pole position after a good drive and a fine wood. I`m a bit confused as to club selection into wind etc is it a wedge or a nine ?  but having waited for 5 mins for colleagues to catch up I convince myself that I should play a gentle 8 iron to be safe……needless to say I cream the ball right over the green and into “ Alaister`s Bunker” (of hoops fame…see 3 weeks ago).
Quig suggests I remove said hoops “nah…I`ll clear the hoops nae problem”. Clear the hoops ??? I cleared the hoops, and the green, and the bunkers on the far side and ended up by the bushes ! Think that was “Quigs revenge “ . Big Brian Mac wins the hole with a six net five to go all square.
I should have said, that since Brian`s Blur on third tee , he slowed down his swing and has been driving well ever since (credit where it`s due) , but the rest of his game was as shite as ever !!!!!!
They also win the 14th hole to go back to one up.
So on the 15th tee we`ve only halfed 3 holes in a really tight match…superbe game.
Shot of Day here for Captain Logan….a gorgeous Driver (yes  a Driver) draws onto green 6 ft from pin. Looking good . Brian is 30 ft short of green, I cock up my bunker shot and Alaister gets a four . Brian putts from off the green….way too hard ..it`s going to go off the other side ?….but it hits the bloody pin at 30 mph , almost drops but stays out to finish 2 inches away for his three. Captain Logan can only manage the half.and he also gets the half on 16th
So, we`re one down on 17th tee. Comes down to the putting. I sink a knee trembler 3ft cross sloper to win with a four. All square going up the last…that`s as it should be.
We pass the time of day with Tom from game behind “what`s happened to young Martin ?”…. “ He was fed up growing old waiting for you lot and walked in” was the cheery one liner reply. Love it.
Anyway, into a strong wind we are all a long way from green after tee shots  I`m wondering about 5 or 6 iron but observe the othesr all falling short after hitting woods.?   I always worry about the cluhouse windows here and am mindful of  of over shooting . ah fuck it….5 wood. An absolute BEEZER goes to 10 ft. (Shot Of Day possibly). The other three are 12 ft away after four shots so it`s all looking good. Looks like I`ll have three shots to win hole?  Nope….that wee bugger Quig decides to make it stressed and sinks his putt. But I get down in four to win hole, match, and drinks….great fun…great game….now “get em in”

19th hole : A low scoring week generally. Alaister best in our group with 33 pts , but this weeks winner is Stephen L with 35 pts…good kitty to win …almost worth getting cut for !
Forgot to mention that Robin was spotted on the practise area with a bag of six shafts and a box of six driver heads trying to find the ultimate driving machine….”das dratsab “ (anagram)
See ya
Rossco

     

 

Grump's News - 14th Feb  2009

Valentines Massacre !  14th Feb.

Monthly Medal day at KBGC. Robin is being all techy again with ass. Pro who assures Robin that this time he really DOES have a modified driver. Shorter shaft and Heavier head ! (these things are important to some people you know.)
The medal is all 3 balls and I`m with messrs Steve Brownlow and Iain MacKenzie.
We agree a game of skins to spice things up with the winner getting free food +drink from the other two..
Steve would have been in the bunker on left with first shot but he wasn`t good enough for it to reach. His second is equally crap and scitters along the deck and somehow stays out of green-side bunker as well. We half the skins with 5`s due to crap putting.
Second is also halfed this time in 4`s.( Stephen again avoids bunker by 6 inches)
Third hole he again narrowly misses bunker but has to stand in the sand to play it ! Clearly his ball is allergic to sand ! Ian`s second shot is a bit of a shank and he puts it over the fence on to Kilmarnock railway line ! I pick up 3 skins with a 5…net 4 and all`s well with the world is it not ?
At the 4th we are all short of the burn and Ross finds sand with his second and Stephen is slashing his way up the rough. Shot of the day fron Iain MacK ? His second sails on to green and pitches 2 ft from pin where it sticks. Nice Birdie 3 to win hole (and one measley skin…hardly worth winning really ?)
We half hole five (I`m over the wall with a large horse !).Must mention Iain`s shanked second shot which landed short of burn at stops right at base of a tree ! Impossible for a mere mortal to play, but the marvel MacKenzie somehow plays it over the burn to 12 ft from pin ! Pure magic ! I comment that he must be used to playing from bad lies after a shank ! We all half sixth hole.
Par three seventh. Iain + Rossco on green top right…25 ft from pin. Stephen ? Bounces his tee shot off the bridge and into crap on left . re-loads and plonks it in the burn !
Putt of the day from Iain (smart ass)..a fine curved , downhiller which pauses on the lip before falling in the can. “Nice putt” I say through clenched teeth. I try to repeat the performance but narrowly fail..
So, after 7 holes Ian has 4 skins and Rossco has 3. Stephen still to break his duck.
I screw up the eighth but thankfully Stephen (bunny) Brownlow gets the half and we all get 3`s at the 9th.
I have a mere 12 points after nine holes, Stephen has 13 and Iain has 15 points. But, the skins are now the important thing !
Bunny states that he really likes the tenth and is sure he can loose his virginity at last and get right into the game if he wins these 3 skins. Iain screws up his drive for him but both Rossco and Bunny are right up the middle. We both do excellent second shots to right hand edge of green. As we are both stroking Iain is out of it.
So, we both have 15 ft putts. Steve is clearly right “up for it”. You can sense his testosterone level rising and his nostrils flaring as he lines up his putt. Is he finally going to lose his virginity ?????  But NO !!! he ejaculates too early and sprays it 8 inches to right of the hole and it lands 6 feet past !!!! Very messy.
 Meanwhile Rossco sneaks in the back entrance and slots home the birdie ! Six, Four, Zero.
We all half the 11th.
Rossco wins 12th . Eight , Four, Zero (as in Nil, zilch) Six holes to play.
Bunny Brownlow cocks up the 13th after a decent drive by diving into the burrows on the humps. Iain and Ross half the hole.
14th hole: The Virgin Brownlow creams one up the middle . But his second shot (3 wood) is another SOD (shot of day) reaches the green 12 ft from pin. The sap is rising ! We hear soft music and the lights are dimmed as he slowly undresses the ball .
With a deft flick of his wrist he caresses his Pinnacle gently into the hole for a fine Birdie three. Hallay bloody lewyah !!!!
So, with four to play it Eight, Four ,Two.
I observe that the satisfied Bunny has not actually been in a bunker all day . And I promptly stick my tee shot at the par three into a bunker ! But my bunker shot is a blissful one to 2 ft and we half in three.
I win the 16th to win the game….your`re buying the beers and soup chaps. What about “the bye”   ? I`ll tell you what. I`ll buy the chips and we`ll play for 50p over last 2 holes says Rossco. Deal.
Suffice to say we halfed the bye so no more cash coming my way.

 Good fun game with golf a bit patchy. Rossco 30 points after my 3 stroke handicap reduction. Same for Iain  ? and Bunny has 28 points.

19th Hole : Tom takes the kitty with 38 points in a low scoring week really.
Brian + Neil look delighted to enjoy Gail`s Stovies . Rossco does a runner before paying for the chips !!!! (sorry chaps !)
Look forward to next week…..and seeing the league table !

Rossco

 

Grump's News - 7th Feb  2009

Murray Fails To Win Major Again ! Feb 7th.

Another fine Saturday , sun in the sky, and a Baltic breeze over the frozen wastes of Barassie. Grumps due to tee off a bit later @ 11:00 onwards.
Lilly/Rossco has plenty of time to gain some brownie points by getting the household chores done before golf….washing out, dishes done, bed made and ready to leave house by 10:15…..a tad early for the 11:10 tee off time but hey, might as well saunter down early anyway.
Taken aback to find a gaggle of Grumps (collective term ?....a Grouch of Grumps ??) already to play ? “ medals cancelled “  is the greeting , “get yer kit on , you`re in the last group “…..so I hurridly  get ready and sprint to first tee to find I`m in a fine 4 ball of Robin + Neil Vs Ian MacK + Rossco.
I put my rushed shot into bunker….good start Rossco.
I note Brian, Eric and Richard arriving as confused as myself.
Thanks to a majestic third shot onto frozen green I manage a 5 for 2 points and we half the hole due to Ian`s 4.
In fact we half first 3 holes in a freezing easterly wind before Rossco wins the 4th by being ever so sensible and laying up to burn , 8 iron to 6ft two putts for a 4 …net 3.
The old 7 iron pitch and run game is proving quite effective on the hard surface and watching the “good” golfers bounce all over the shop cheers me up no end ! Putting over icebergs seems easy today as well ?
Is it getting warmer now chaps ? or is it just that smug blanket wrapping itself around me as we stand on 6th tee ? ….I slice one into burn ! but my partner walks off with a three…..2 up.
On the par 3 , seventh we are verbally abused by Roy for teeing off early  ….hmmm, might hear more on that topic later ????
Certainly worked for me as both Robin + Neil find the burn on the eighth hole  and we go three up !
Some serious speech play as I stand on the 9th tee ! Something to do with not having a stiff shaft for many years as I recall !....I silence the abusers with a lovely tee shot to the short green….but they fluke a half.
3 up at the turn, and Rossco has 22 points….early days….many the spectacular collapse has been seen on the back nine in my carreer.
But the putts keep dropping and as we walk onto 13 tee I suggest that we`ve just won the “dog license”   seven and six !!  Robin immediately corrects me with “ nah…it`s ONLY dormie six “    he actually seemed pleased it was ONLY dormie !!!! what a good rodgering !
There is then a debate as to what we were actually playing for ? we agree that losers buy the beers. What about “the bye” ?    losers to buy the soups is agreed.
Robin going on about his new driver and it`s adjustable shafts/heads etc which Ian seems interested in….Neil and I are not ! far too much techy talk for us.
Anyway, the thought of having to buy us beer AND soup appears to motivate them and they are one up on 15th tee.
Shot of the Day contender coming up. Rossco smacks a fine 8 iron to six feet and slots home the putt for a birdie 2…..and four points..ya beauty…all square.
Should have said ….what a sight on the 14th tee    Arran clearly visible in all it`s snow covered glory….we are indeed lucky people to enjoy our golf in such a setting !
Even saw some deer on the course.
Anyway, back to the serious stuff… it`s nip + tuck all the way and all square on 18th tee.
Another contender for Shot of Day ?   Robin `s drive goes to 8ft from pin ! awesome. He pops the putt to 1 inch and claims the hole ….and the soup !
A great days golf and banter/abuse.
What about the points do I hear you ask ?
Well Eric MURRAY comes in with a reasonable 42 points…….but Rossco scoops the kitty with 45……and a three stroke cut to handicap !

19th Hole :   A good kitty of £14…..The abuse about going out early continues and it is agreed that in future we should stick to original times to avoid folks missing out etc.
Good golf, good company, great scenery and as Tom said   a good argument to top off a perfect day !
See you next week
Rossco

Grump's News - 31st Jan  2009

 

First of all an apology.
Last week I forgot to mention that Robin finally played to his true ability and ended up with 46 points to scoop the kitty and get a well deserved cut of 3 to his handicap. He actually played to a handicap of two so he is now down to 9….still a danger eh ?
This week saw 14 grumps on a dry but chilly morning.
“Balls in the bunnet” (Grumps method of drawing who out first etc) and first “oot the hat” is Neil, Stewart and Rossco for a three ball.
Game of skins is agreed ….two losers to buy the beer and soup.
Big Neil playing off 28 so getting two strokes at several holes. Have to say that this game did NOT go according to my plan and at the turn (despite having the best stableford score of the group) Rossco has ZERO skins, Stewart has ONE and big jammy McInnes has EIGHT. There is nae justice ! I decide to launch a major initiative of speech play and whingeing to try to reverse my fortunes.
To be fair, Neil was actually driving very well (thanks to Stewart who stupidly suggested that he slow down his swing by 50% !!! thanks for that Stewart !).
Think I finally won a skin on 12th hole but by the 13th it was game over.
Having seen Neils drive on 14th ( duffed into the banking in front of tee) I proposed £1 on “the bye”. Stewart then duffed his drive and I creamed one up the middle. The two un-sporting tow rags refused the £1 challenge until 15th tee.
Anyway, the important thing is Rossco won the bye to at least salvage something from the day.
Ross 28 points, Stewart 29 and Neil a mere 21.
Good fun round though and three and a quarter hours…..lentil soup, chips and a beer beckon …..alls well with the world.
This weeks kitty winner is Bunny Brownlow with 36 points.
Feb medal next week….serious stuff.. The “three musketeers “ have suggested that they go out together as a three ball so they don`t get distracted by people pretending to be golfers !!!!!! good plan chaps.
See you next week
Rossco.
I recommend a visit to St Meddans web site “forum” for a huge debate on next years committee !

St Meddans Golf Club

Grump's News - 24th Jan  2009

The Grumps have expanded ! Partly due to over indulgence over the festive season but also due to a growing number of KBGC members wishing to join our prestigious band of old gits. (Martin + Steve Logan excluded from the word “old” ).

So, sixteen of us in the draw this week…..fantastic, four 4 balls and a significany kitty to win.
Rossco was “lucky” (?????) enough to get drawn with the three musketeers who have a combined handicap of approx 72……hey, don`t knock it…they make me look good .
We`re in the first group and it is pointed out that we`re a hole behind already and could we “get a bloody move on” ?
Four decent drives shuts the crowd up and off we go.
General Comment on the day : Neil + Rossco Vs Brian + Eric.
Having found ourselves 3 down after 4 holes….(I had Ten S/Ford points!!!!) We realised we had a game on our hands. However, …it`s all square after   7 holes as the old speech play kicks in.
Brian is just awesome off the tee so we spend very little time in the rough and keep a healthy pace going all day and the match continues to be nip + tuck.
Neil playing like an arse but get`s carried well by yours truly though he did make two crucial interventions to keep us alive.
Feel I should comment on 12 th hole. Eric, Brian and Ross all in good shape and even Neil is not too wayward. Eric creams his second to 10 feet on this difficult approach and Rossco is pleased to hit green ,but 20 feet from pin. Brian screws up !
Eric points out that he`s getting a stroke……and Ross reminds Eric that Eric is a shite putter !
Result ? Eric sinks his poxy putt for a birdie and rossco 3 putts.   Back to one down.
Final score….we`re one down on 18th tee and can only manage to half the last ….Great game chaps….losers buy the beers.
In addition to Erics shot of the day…..i spotted Alaister in a greenside bunker on 13th hole: He does a lovely shot out and it`s heading for the pin, but it hits one of those white hoop things and bounces back into the bunker. Rossco guffaws from a distance, Alaisters playing colleagues bite their tongues and Alaister smacks his sand iron into rear of bunker !!!
See you next week
Rossco
19th Hole : Roy presents Steven L with a framed copy of a bar receipt to back up photographic eveidence that Steven does know where the bar is located !!!!

 

Grump's News - 26th April  2008

Spring Meeting : Normally a really busy day at KBGC as this heralds the start of the season apparently. However, clearly the weather forecast had deterred the less hardened of the membership.   On competition days it`s 3 balls max per time and I`m with Robin T and Peter R. Full waterproofs are in place as the morning has been poor. Brian MacD and Neil McInness arrive to play the 9 hole course (twice) to smooth relations. Brian looks the part with his Pringle sweater on show....pity it was back to front ! no wonder he hits the ball backwards sometimes ! doesn`t know if he`s coming or going !  3 grumps out ahead of us and 3 are behind, No sign of Bunny Brownlow or Ian MacK.....rumour that Steve doing up kitchen ? suspect he`s doing the dishes and preparing dinner !  After last week `s nightmare I had low expectations but as the sky cleared and rain stopped we stepped onto the tee with visions of winning the Spring meeting.   Firstly I have to report I actually parred the par 5 first. This is good . I promised not to mention that Robin had an eight. Oh...and while I remember...seemingly a liable case is being raised against Lilly as last weeks report was inaccurate (shock horror) as Ex tax man did actually win the kitty....I `ve been asked to make a public apology...so I told my daughters hamster that I was sorry....hamster suggested Robin eats more sunflower seeds....it might improve his driving !  Despite playing quite well ,Yorkie + Rossco found themselve s being rodgered in the "skins". A horrible shower (no, not the grumps) blew in just at the worst hole (dog leg 7th) which reminded us that winter not over yet but after that it was sunshine and pars all the way...aye right !  14 pts to the turn for Rossco (hey, it might not sound great but it`s no bad) We took the skins to 16th green before Robin claimed victory (smug meter off scale) A fine par by Rossco at 17th was JTL (just too late) As I stand on 18th tee I observe that I`m still playing the ball I started with. ( a yellow Pinnacle with some sponsorship on it from Pedigree Chum: It actually has the quote "it`s a dog thing" !!!! think I`ll give to Bill Collier aka Dog Fiddler) Anyway, my 18th tee shot was a low fade which was heading for bunkers I thought ????? guess what....never found it !  another N/R for Rossco.   Next week is monthly Medal.....I must complete a round with a full card sometime surely ?????                  Happy Days     Lilly/Rossco.  or maybe "Nil Return Rossco"   Grump's News - 19th April  2008 Grumps get wind. Strange day saturday as  an easterly wind is almost never as strong as that in my experience. Rossco was quietly confident as being a low hitter of some fame the conditions must suit me. I was in a 4 ball with 2 founder grumps and a late guest member. You will recall that the first hole is seldom successful for myself (apart from last weeks Birdie)   well it was "usual service " and I got a seven for a nil points in S/Ford. So  Rossco `s card for first 9 holes 1. 7 for 0 2.N/R 3. N/R 4. 5 for 0 5.7 for 0 6. N/R 7. 6 for 1........my god a point 8.6 for 1 9.6 for 0                  Two points for 9 holes....NEVER have I scored so badly  and you know..I was actually driving quite well.Think I was in every bunker and stream on this bloody golf course.  In the 4 ball we were only ONE down thanks to my partner`s 15 points. Having slagged off messrs Neil McInness and Brian MacD last week I think I must have caught their disease !  However, all bad things must come to an end and I manage to double my S/Ford tally after the 10th hole !!!! Actually my back 9 was a respectable 13 points and I did actually manage to win one hole for my partnership. The 4 ball went to last green but we lost to a par 4.   My partner won the kitty with a 29 points (11 players) which I guess is a measure of just how tough it was on Saturday.....hope the Nooners weren`t on Darley !!!!          Don`t know what Brian`s score was. Next week is the Spring Meeting....big event...I hope to actually enter a score and not an N/R this week. ( Brian + Neil banished to the 9 hole course).              I`m heading for the practise area....and if that doesn`t work.....the bar !   Rossco Grump's News - 12th April  2008 Maybe a new sub-section of site ? The Grumps are a group of Barassie members who have stupidly agreed to allow ex Nooners to join them. The traditional Grumps are all decent golfers and despite their name they are a friendly bunch....or have been so far !  Since joining them Rossco has a habit of scoring a Seven at the par 5 first hole at best, but on competition days I tend to N/R at first by slicing ball on to railway line. I hav`n`t actually finished a competition yet !!! and I`ve lost so many scruffy old balls that I`m having to use half decent ones now!    Anyway, having given you the background I feel I need to share my opening hole experience from Sat 12th April (5 club competition). I was out in a three ball with "founder Grump" Iain and "new" visitor Neil McInnes (played with Nooners many years ago and was crap then !)  I cream my drive and just avoid the bunker, which is another rarity for me, and a fine 5 wood to top of hill looks good . The subsequent 8 iron was pure bliss as it landed softly and rolled to 12 inches of pin....Thankfully the game in front witnessed the result and I acknowledged the adulation of some Grumps.   My first birdie at this hole and I`ve still to par it in my carreer here.    Neil McInness shows all the talent of Brian MacDonald ....they`re going to find it tough here !   The good thing about playing with Neil is you will always feel a cool breeze from his club as he lashes at the ball at speed. It has been suggested that on medal days they play the 9 hole course while they hone their hacking skills a bit !                                                                Rossco ps After a decent first 5 holes I lose a ball at par three sixth and get the N/R in a few holes later. Back to normal !