Nooner's News - 21/07/2008

Saturday 12th July. Alan and I played in the four ball and we had decided to play each other. I won the head to head against Alan, and off we went to the Ardneil. Mark, on hearing that I had beaten Alan, remarked, "so you are claiming four points for beating Alan twice are you?. You can't change the rules just to get extra points. Nice one. You two have already played". I was all set to put an article together that weekend until the sad news of Headnooners passing became known.

So, what a week it was for all Nooners, past and present. Although it was a sad week, which ended with David's funeral, there was a lovely Eulogy from Jamie and a lovely poem from Katie. At the family house, afterwards, many people gathered to pay their respects

So, Saturday dawned and it brought some sunny weather along with it. There was a very pleasant buzz in the air when Jamie and Oliver arrived along with Alan and Andy. With five Nooners out, the four Powell boys brought the number playing to nine, thus three four balls were selected and the golf got under way. I was very fortunate and pleased to be first game out along with Jamie and Oliver. Off we went down the first on Darley. Both the boys had dabbled with golf in the past, and they very much wanted to be out on the Saturday. We, were delighted to have them along with us, and they were introduced to the Nooners and their "mode of operation". We all know what the Darley is like. So, going down the second, Jamie and Oliver decided they would play greensomes and hit alternate shots."Where did Dad like to have his "wee dram"? asked Jamie. "On Lochgreen it was at the 10th tee, but here on Darley, it is the ninth tee", I replied. We reached the 9th tee and Jamie produced his Dad's famous little flask, topped up with his favourite "wee dram". Three cups were poured out and handed round the group. "Here's to absent friends, to David". I could well imagine David looking down on us at that moment and giving us his full approval. Then onto the 9th tee, 7 iron straight into trouble. Could imagine David looking down on me that moment and giving a very wry grin indeed. Yours truly playing three off the tee and placing his 7 iron shot, onto the green and looking up at David, thinking, fifteen all, mate! "Ah, but you've played three off the tee, Dopey"

The banter between the three of us was excellent and I would like to think that Jamie and Oliver soon got into the realms of the Nooners and what we are all about. I was saying that I had to be careful and not think of any chefs, as I went round. If I did, I told them, I'll be calling you James and Martin!

Jamie and Oliver were hitting some good shots. Their moment of fame coming at the par three 16th, when Oliver's tee shot flew over the pin and finished on the green about fifteen feet beyond the pin. All too soon, we reached the eighteenth and the end of the round. It was a pleasure and privilege to have played a round of golf with David's two sons, just a day after their fathers' funeral. But the day didn't end their as it was off to the 19th.

Bill Gunn came home with 31 points and was the kitty winner. Before Bill bought the drinks from his kitty, it was the icing on the cake for the day when, Gail, Katie and Sally came in along with Alan and Andy's partners and Jamie's Belgian friend. Thus began an hour of serious Nooners camaraderie which was very pleasant indeed. What a very nice end to a very sad week, and in true Nooners banter, I very much enjoyed playing golf on the day with Anthony and Worrall-Thomson. Thanks for having me lads. You have now got a taste of the Nooners. (Nitby's and members bounces, included.)

I mean this most sincerely, Jamie, Oliver, Alan and Andy, welcome to the Nooners. You are all very welcome to come back and play with us again. I hope you do so.

This week is the Seniors Open at Royal Troon and with some of us stewarding at the event, I think a few of us will aim to go and play Lochgreen at the back of four. I shall be away on 2nd August, and will write another tome, the Saturday after that. Happy golfing.

Nigel

Nooner's News - 28/06/2008
Troon Links

Reuters-Faither Wright Reporting.

Wrighty junior achieved more than he could have thought when he set out on this years Troon Links.

Background is, 1 round Portland, and 1 round Lochgreen, and top 16 qualify for match play.He shot 73 round the Lochy and 74 round the Portland; the latter being

played in horrific weather, as in fact it was for most of the week. Intermingled in all this, he was caddying at the Palmer Cup, Glasgow Gailes.In total, he had a bag on his shoulders for 216 holes in 6 days, another 18 Sunday playing for Ayrshire, and another 18 Monday playing for Barassie.

His first game was against Gordon Cree, which he won 3/2 and winning this handed him the privilege of playing Paul Moultrie, a well-noted amateur. In atrocious conditions, wind and rain, he shot an awesome 73 off the Championship tees to beat PM by 1 hole.A semi final win over Billy Hunter took him to the final, to play last years winner, Steven Murray.

5:30-Sat Evening-1^st Tee-Royal.

Boy is knackered, and full of the flu-the old man thinks it’s a game to far for him, and this idea comes to fruition down the 1^st. Both guys hit the fairway, Andrew Wright(AW) chunking his 2^nd though and eventually making 5 to an easy 4 to SM, so its one down already.

AW pulls his a little and ends up in the semi, but hits great 8 iron to 20 ft, SM going in to about 18. AW leaves his putt on the edge, but it’s a solid par and a half. By now the wind is blowing and its like a fireman’s hose is being used on us, the rain is so severe.Down the third, SM finds bunker left off the tee, AW goes down rhs of fairway. Murray splashes and hits great third to about 6 ft. AW hits the green, left of the pin about 15 ft, and holes a double breaker for 3 and its all square.Both guys find fairway off the tee, and with their seconds down four, SM hitting wedge to 12 ft, and AW to 1 ft for gimme birdie. SM holes also, so its still all square, and B me, it’s a tuff school out there. Both come up short at 5, AW bunkered right, and SM in the cabbage ten yards short. SM plays a great recovery to about 12 ft, AW splashing out to 10 feet. SM holes out for a great 3, and AW shows none of his father’s shaky putting, and follows him in for 3.

This is turning out to be a bit of a game, but can AW keep his form?

6^th, AW guns one down the fairway, SM blocking his up in the right hand rough, well into the munchies. We eventually find SM’s ball, and he plays a recovery shot. In short, SM plays a careless 4^th shot to the back of the green, some 30 ft away, while AW has hit his third to about 8 ft. SM misses, and it’s a birdie for AW, 2 under par, and one up.

AW hits his drive to an awkward spot, just sitting on top of a bunker, but played a fantastic 8 iron to 15 feet off a very awkward stance. SM hits his on to the green but it doesn’t check up, so he ends up in the rough. He makes a crazy up and down for par, holing ten footer, and AW lips out, so it’s a half heading to the Stamp.

AW hits first, and its on at the front. SM blocks again, and finds the trap back right, not good! His 1^st attempt to find the green fails, and he finds the bunker other side. AW putts up to 4 ft, SM tries again to find the green. He did but missed his putt, so its 2 up to AW and I am thinking, my god, he may just pull this off.

Disaster, off two good drives at 9 and 10, he bogeys both, SM parring both, so it’s back to all square, and level par through 10. Only one real difficult tee shot left, and it’s the Railway Hole. Its SM up, and, block, it’s in the gorse bushes down the right. C’mon son, just find the fairway, and he does-superb! SM reloads and pushes it again into the gorse. His first one is gone, plays his provisional,

finds the fairway and he’s played 4. AW comes up 20 yards short with 5 iron, perfect play. SM hits on to the green about 10 feet in five, but AW chips to four feet, and its his hole, and he is back to one up. (Faither starting to believe junior may just do this)

Oh!Oh!, he misses the fairway at 12 SM hitting a great tee shot, well down and on the cut stuff. By now, half the Wellbeck membership is out supporting SM, and just the 3 of us rooting for AW. He plays a great recovery shot, but still some 20 yards short.

A chance for SM, but he misses the green left. AW chips to 8 ft, and SM plays his first wrong shot of the day, trying to putt it up the slope, and its still his turn. He misses again, as does AW and its still 1 up. A couple more supporters arrive for the AW cause.

I am thinking now, he can win this, because he really is hitting the ball well, he is blocking out the support, and seems dialled in to the job in hand. Rains aff, thank god.

13, AW finds the fairway, SM goes right again-AW plays great shot under the wind onto the front, SM goes in and also finds the dance floor. SM up first, and he leaves it an inch short, AW missing it on the left, but it’s a gimme. God, the boy is holding on, but I know SM is capable of birdying last 5, so don’t count your chickens.

14, and once again, they both hit great irons, and find the green, and both 2 putt.

15, AW hits one out the screws, taking all the bunkers out of play, swiftly followed by SM, doing the exact same. Its quality golf, both responding to each other’s good shots. They both hit good approaches but are 5 yards short and about a foot apart. First signs of real pressure, SM chips but drifts 12 feet by, AW chipping to 3 feet. It’s a 5 to a four, and AW goes 2 up. Waow, now he’s in the driving seat and to make matters worse for Murray, AW hits a corker down 16, dead centre 15 yards short of the burn. SM responds with a drive of equal calibre. Pressure now showing as SM, decides to try to make the green with what I believe to be the 3 wood of his dreams. He jumps all over it and it’s up there, but nowhere near the green. AW, does as he has done all week, and lays up with 5 iron, to perfect wedge distance. C’mon son, one more good shot. SM up 1^st, and he hits what I think is a great shot, but he doesn’t get any check, and he is 20 feet past at the back of the green. AW, goes in a bit lower, playing wedge, and bingo, its four feet away. Great shot son. SM misses, and bullseye for AW, its in for another birdie, and the match 3/2.

The boy played awesome golf all week, and in all conditions. Old faither very proud, its commiseration’s to SM, a real nice guy, and handshake a man sized hug for Junior.

Pleased as punch for him-it’s a big one.

Big thanks to young Robbie MacGruer, Andrew’s hard working caddy. He did a great job keeping his man focussed all week. Not half as prone to mood swings on the course as his father.

Next day, its out for Ayrshire Vs Lanarkshire, playing first reserve 18’s Scottish Internationalist. Won again 2/1.

Ok guys, thought u might want to hear about this, but if it bored u to death, sorry.

Wrighty.

Nooner's News - 21/06/2008

Saturdays’ round 21^st Darley.

Six of us turned up to play. Head Nooner, Charlie and Bill Gunn in the first group and David Ellis, Mark and myself in the second group. As far as I know, the only match being played was Mark versus Nigel.

Off we went, with three well placed opening tee shots. Mark taking 5 to Nigel’s 6 to go one up after the first. Nigel hit a good tee shot at second to place his second just short of the green. Mark in trouble at the back but recovers to halve the hole and remain one up. At three, Nigel’s’ tee shot deemed to be in the burn and Mark over by the shrubbery to the left, over the burn. Nigel takes a five to Marks’ six and is one up. First par three and Nigel is just short of the green. Mark is over the back and a three wins it for Nigel. Mark and David both play three off the tee at five, Nigel is safely over, plays short of the green and somehow, sticks his third into the shrubbery at the back of the green. His penalty lift and drop cancelling out Marks three off the tee and the result is a half.Interesting developments at six. All three tee shots over to the right in the light hay. Mark and David play woods, and remain in trouble. Nigel plays four iron and knocks it down the fairway. Mark and David repeat their troublesome shots once, if not twice more, both declaring that they should have played irons. Nigel’s eight iron shot onto the green finishes up, one foot past the pin and he knocks in for a birdie four, and goes two up on Mark.Marks wins eight and nine to square the match. Nigel goes two up after twelve but then Mark gets back to all square after 14. Mark wins 15 to go one up and Nigel and Mark both take fives at the par three 16^th, for Mark to remain one up with two to play.

Three good tee shots at 17 and Nigel’s approach is just through the green at the back. A nice 7 iron sends the ball two feet from the pin, but with a little down hiller, which just lips out, Nigel’s five matches the five of Mark and off to the 18^th with Mark one up.Nigel’s tee shot at 18 is over to the right in the hay. He finds it and chips out, back onto the fairway. Mark, meanwhile hits a nice tee shot which is about thirty yards short of the mounds, sitting nicely in the “first cut” by the first fairway. Nigel’s third is short and right and his chip for a four is about six feet past the pin. Mark, with the slightest of tailwinds, plays a beautiful 7 iron into the heart of the green as is twenty feet away in two. (I’ve only ever seen that green reached in two once before, and that was over twenty years ago!) Mark, putting for eagle just misses it, but the birdie four is safely secured, and Mark wins the match, two up. If only Rosco could have been there to turn the tables of two years ago, and do unto Mark as he did to me, but there again no quarter asked for and certainly no quarter given. Well played, Mark. That must surely have been “shot of the day” (second to eighteen)

I am not available for the next two Saturday’s so the next tome from me will be in three weeks time.

Happy hitting, lads.

Nooner's News - 20/06/2008

Green Jacket

Friday 20 June was the date for the Green Jacket this year. Sadly, the defending champion, Iain Mackenzie was unable to participate in the morning round, but he had made all the arrangements for the rest of us to play at Largs that day. He was able to play in the afternoon team Stableford.Buuny Brownlow was in charge of collecting all the green fees, over a very civilised start to the day with coffee and bacon butties and the morning round was soon under way. It was a strong field with nineteen competitors and it was good to see several of the lads, now members at other clubs join in the events. Also good to see Steven Fynn get his clubs out and participate too. Several of us were to be found on the putting green which was somewhat devious, but a good test of what was to come.

Opening hole at Largs is a par three all uphill and there was photographer Mark Norman recording the event on digi-cam for posterity.

Bill Gunn was in fine form and was steadily getting points here and there. Nigel was fairly well placed on the second to attempt a second shot to the green, over the burn. His shot managing to jump over the burn hit the wall and finish just to the left of the green. A pitch on to the green saw his ball about 20 feet from the pin and by some quirk of fate, his putt went in for a four, and three points. A wayward tee shot at the fifth saw him stymied behind the trees on the adjacent fairway. A well struck eight iron amazingly found the green, with its’ devious or should that be, cunningly placed pin position, which saw all three group members three putting from within ten feet. One up to the course! Bill was steadily adding to his score. Janahan too, was playing steady golf in the three ball but wasn’t picking up the two pointers. Bill was. Janahan hit a lovely tee shot at 14 and then played a reasonable shot by most player’s standards, just to the right of the green, but not his! Jan then played a beautiful high lob, pitch onto the green which rolled in for a birdie three.

At the end of the morning round, five of the lads had scored 31 points each, but Bill Gunn, who had been steadily adding to his score, amassed a total of 34 points to win this years Green Jacket. Well played Bill, over to you for next years tourney.

After soup and rolls for lunch and with the departure of some of the players the afternoon better ball Stableford got under way, with a slight but very interesting twist to it. Thanks to Bunny Brownlow who had played in this type of competition a fortnight or so earlier, a “Golden Ball” competition was also taking place. There was one three man team, playing off full handicap allowance and three four man teams playing off three quarters allowance. The three man team each had to play six holes with the Golden Ball and the rest, at least four holes each.

There was one basic, but simple rule; the golden ball had to remain in play at all times. As soon as it was either lost, or struck out of bounds, then that was it over for that team. It doesn’t half sharpen the mind during this competition. Each of us with responsibility for playing the Golden Ball, trying not to lose it and the course, in turn, biting back at each Golden Ball, or so it seemed. On some holes, it was the points scored by the Golden Ball which were the better ball score, for that particular hole. All four groups found it the same, but nevertheless, it was a good competition.Mind you, at the tenth, Stephen Fynn, had to take a penalty drop with the Golden Ball. His drop ball seemed very suspicious, when one considers that he is a postman to trade, a sort of drop ball, but extending the arm forward, at the point of drop, so that his technique was very akin to posting a letter through a letter box. So, too was his method of withdrawing his arm, after the drop. A sort of “you’re not taking my hand off doggie” type, pull-back !

Don’t know who won the nearest the pin or longest drive in the morning. Think Gerry had the longest drive, but Bala won nearest the pin and Nigel won the longest drive in the afternoon.

Thanks once again to Iain organising this years’ tourney. Thanks to Largs.G.C. for the venue and well done to Bill Gunn, the winner of the 2008 Nooners Green Jacket.

Nigel

Nooner's News - Roxburghe 2008

And so it came to pass….the third annual Nooners trip to join our landed gentry friends at lord Roxburgh`s country seat. And what a lovely seat it is !

As predicted by Rossco, right from the start the “plans” of our organisers were changed the

night before by our returning Arab ( Sir George) and I agreed to travel in the Guthrie Saab so long as he picked me up at 5:45 Thurs am…..I must be mad ! what chance has he got of waking up on time having just flown back from Kuwait ?

However, I stand corrected and the Saab arrives on time with a bleary eyed George at the wheel and all`s well as we set off at speed.

“What route shall we take George ?” asks Rossco……”I don`t know “ he replies..””just tell me where to go and I`ll go that way”…oh…right err just head for A70 then and I`ll study the map to sort out the later stages ! map ? no map in the car ! okay ..you must have a sat-nav in this fine car then George ? err.. no.. “I thought you`d been before” says GG. George , the last time I went I was so hungover the last thing on my mind was the route….all I can tell you is …it was bloody twisty + windy !!! Anyway…keep going and we`ll sort something out on the way…George suggests we stop for bacon roll + coffee and buy a map….very good George…that should add at least half an hour to journey time. I`m sure we`ll pick up road signs and I know that we head for Moffat then Selkirk and I`ll call Mark Norman on the mobile for directions from there !

As part of my preparation for the trip, my good lady, Gill, on finding out that I might be sharing a room with GG, has bought me 3 pairs of ear plugs as GG is a well known Fred Flintstone snorrer ,as I`ve witnessed before. You see it`s those wee touches that that help we professional golfers !

The weather forecast looks fab for the Thurs and crap for the Fri so plenty shoes/waterproofs /socks/Y fronts etc are also packed !

As we approach J15 on M74 we note the word Moffat on a sign so I ask Mark if J15 is the best route ?…..fech knows mate…we`re coming from Edinburgh direction using a sat-nav…I explain our situation and I can hear Steven pishing himself in Marks car at our predicament !….just take this turn George…they`re about as much use as a chocolate tea-pot !

Anway..I recognise the Selkirk turn just as we get to Moffat…..my memory reminds me that this is the most twisty road on the planet as GG shows me how fast this Saab can go round corners and hump back bridges ( fortunately I had ZERO red wine the night before….preparation !!!) We avoid the pheasants and apart from scaring the shit out of a few sheep..and Rossco…we get to Selkirk in one piece and ahead of schedule…just go straight through Selkirk George..it`s a bit twisty but stay on this road…..the next minute we`re about to go straight on at a bend/junction when we should go round to right….we screech to a halt sideways in front of a car just when a police car comes the other way !….we wave our apologies to the other drivers and carry on…I try Mark again ok , Mark so we`re on the A 699 ? signed to Jedborough….then what ?…don`t know mate….we don`t have a map!!!!fucks sake ! keep going George..we`ll pick up signs somewhere ! Anyway….apart from a detour up a narrow country lane..we do eventually pick up signs and apart from smacking the car sump of the speed hump at the hotel…we arrive by 9am….pretty good !

We decide to check in to hotel first under the name of MacDonald so we can get the bridal suite before he does….but we find rooms are pre-allocated and the pleasant receptionist informs us we have a “luxury” room…..for the same price…..fantastic we think…hang on did you say say “luxury DOUBLE ???” “err yes…is that not what you want ?” (I blame George`s peach coloured sweater !!) I suggest in my deepest/macho voice that while George might be a raving homosexual and am of course hetero man personified !!!! she agrees to put us in a luxury twin ! She then asks if we `ve brought our wellies ? do the sheep resist so much here ? I assure her that my gortex suit is all we need ! We get shown to our room……but find that it is also a double ! the porter promises to sort it asap !

We join Mark+ Steve in bar and I order coffee and bacon roll for six…as Bala + Peter arrive whilst waiting, young Aird spots the previous party of “trainee green-keeper” have left two bacon rolls…..so we scoff them before they return ! Lager and Gunness is then ordered for GG, SA, MN !!…preparation etc !!!!

Glynn, Eric,Brian and young Martin Mac Donald arrive and we`re all set. Peter reads out details about sweeps/competitions,tees/handicaps/teams etc…great preparation Pete , well done……but of course, the Nooners

1. can`t understand

2. don`t listen

3. Always have a better suggestion !!

However, we do eventually arrive on the white tees (as agreed) and look at how far away the green is…and walk to yellow tees instead !!!!!!

Golf (loose desciption) is initiated at last…dry day….birds singing..who cares about the bunkers ! balls are lost, putts missed, bunkers are entered and balls are shanked…just the usual stuff in fact I don`t have any real memories of first days golf ! Lunch time (tasteless tomatoe soup !) and six of us are in contention with 32 points or better…pretty good stuff..and we go out for another 12 holes.

Brian informs the weary golfers that one of us actually paid their £25 deposit twice (!!!!) what an idiot we agree….they should be punished is the chant !..oh bollocks…it was Rossco…paid early and paid twice !!! Brain decides to buy everyone a drink with the extra £25…..I promise that I will ensure I get my £25 back !

More beer after 12 holes and it`s time for showers/shaves/shits/shampoos ! and change for dinner….

A kitty is set up and I stupidly put in my £20….damn it ..a lost opportunity ! They continue to extract my urine all night. I reluctantly agree to order the wine for the un-educated Nooners three of those Rioja Reservas please…..cheaper than previous years but hey…there is a credit crunch on you know…and I must say..it was rather pleasant….dinner itself was okay……not convinced it was up to previous years heights but still pretty good generally……cheaper red wine ordered once greedy bastards had consumed the good stuff !…why don`t they stick to their Guiness or Red Bull or whatever ?????

The restaurant is rapidly emptying (naturally) and by the time we finish our sweets (pudding to some) George is fast asleep in his chair at the table !!!! we sneak off to bar leaving him snoring happily dreaming of sand and oil wells and goats etc ! We can actually hear him snoring from our seats in the bar !!!! He does eventually join us but we`re all so bloody knackered we retire at 11:30 pm…..all of us ! remarkable really….guess we miss Gerry/Gabe etc.

My ear plugs work a treat until 5 am when I awake to George grunting/snorting like a stuffed pig and I realise one ear plug has fallen out ! I don`t have the heart to wake him and spend the next 2 hours farting away happily and dosing off. At 7 am George suddenly asks me if I have any spare ear plugs….yes I answer…why ? “cos you could shove one up yer arse to stop you farting and I`ll have couple to stick up my nostrils so I can`t smell them any more !!!” I have to say I took his point and developed a fit of giggles !!

Breakfast was a bit tasteless , but that could have been the effect of dry mouth etc ! Anadin is consumed and head feels better !

Peter and Bala arrive after a good nights rodgering, with a kitty glass from previous night £146 quid says Peter……quick as a flash Lilly has his paw in the glass and extricates a £20 pound note!…..£126 now chaps..and it still owes me a fiver ! Do I look like the sort of chap that can afford to lose £25…..there a credit crunch on you know…..and I had to steal the wifes pay packet before she got up on Thurs morning !

Weather is foul and forecast also crap but we head for the course anyway.

The four ball and two threes are agreed…and the 4 ball (Brian, Glynn,George,Martin) head for first tee……aye right guys….4 ball can go out last again ! despite much protesting the correct decision is made !

The rain stops after 4 holes and scabby dry golf is endured. The last few holes take their toll on weary legs up and down hills ! Six of get to clubhouse at 13:30…..the 4 ball nowhere in sight??? They eventually appear at 14:25 looking seriously done in !

Peter hands out the prizes (none for Rossco) and Brian is presented with Wooden Spoon. And a refund on his bar bill from my £25 faux pas !

Our thanks again to Brian for not giving a toss and to Peter for the games etc.

A provisional booking is made for same dates next year…max number is 12…get your names to Brian asap as most of the regulars will be going again !!! can I suggest a £25 deposit ?

Lord Rossco

Nooner's News - 24/11/2007

Darley Dinker takes kitty (again !) 24 th nov

Well, the forecast was for a wet and windy day and yet we had our best turnout for a while of 14 Nooners plus a St Meddans member who was so desperate he would even play with Nooners.(David).

Forecast certainly correct wrt the wind…blowing a “hooley” as they say in Ayrshire.

A feeble attempt was made to pockle the draw this week but the “pockle police” were alerted in time and an un-tampered lottery took place. As you know I do actually have quite strong views that in general playing groups should be decided in a random fashion other than important summer league ties or someone needs to get away sharp obviously.

Brian aka The Bell popped down briefly to confirm that he has organised the Roxburough outing again for last Thurs/Fri in March….he needs to know who is attending…it`s been a great trip the last couple of years as you`ve probably read about. Thanks for setting it up again Big Bella and sorry to hear that you`ve been “no weel “ so couldn`t play on Sat….suspect the fact that it was Darley may have influenced decision.

To golf .

My 4 ball (second last group !...think I`ll revert to pockling !)

And in a re-run of two weeks ago it`s Ross + Peter Vs Steve B + Ian McKenzie.

I should mention up front that my back is still a bit twingey although much better than last week. Unfortunately, my golf was no better…in fact it was worse. 10 points on front 9 and eleven on back 9 was pretty poor even on a blustery day.

Having halfed the first thanks to Ian missing a 2 ft birdie putt (he is human after all) I faded my second drive OOB …and inevitably repeated the process…once the wind got them they were always heading for rugby pitches ! Might as well get the N/R in early eh ?

Peter missed a 2 ft putt on second (wally) and we`re 1 down.

Third ?..must have been halfed and we all made a mess of wee par three fourth (never seen the white tee so far forward…it confused us ) and we half in 4`s.

Wee bit of fun on 5^th as Churchill finds the canyon with his first ball and bushes with his second and mine fades with the wind way to right….we loose the hole to Ian`s six !!!!! Despite my odd contribution we find ourselves 3 down at the turn and Alan Sugar say`s “your fired “ Yorkie. Strong drink is offered on 9^th tee and the losing team resist.

However , under my steadying leadership, we win 10^th, 11^th were robbed on 12^th and we win 14^th to go all square !!! Brownlow has gone to pieces and requires an injection of calories supplied by me in the form of an Alpen bar that’s been in my bag for about 2 years…Steve thought the chocolate was supposed to be white …err No !

So, game on for the last 4 holes and no strokes left. A five gets the half on 15^th, as do threes on 16^th, and 4`s on 17^th.

All square on 18^th tee (the moral victory is already ours ):

Driving into the teeth of a hurricane but we all aquit ourselves reasonably well. Ian Mack is just short of green in two (awesome) Peter + I are on front edge in three and Steve is out of it having spent 15 mins looking for his ball. Ian chips his third to7 feet leaving me and Peter with 30 ft putts for birdie…we`re both 5 ft short…aaaagggghhh. Ian narrowly misses his birdie putt and taps in for 5. Well Pedro, one of these. I decide to miss mine first thus allowing Champion Churchill ( how many people are playing this match ?) to focus on his putt for the half….nae bother…he slots it home ! Nice one Peter. Good result, and good fun on a tough day. Three birdies for Ian and one for Peter. A decent paced round (4 hrs) and only got held up from 15^th onwards really. Couple of squally showers but it sure beats the shopping.

The Payne clan each got 38 points with the older generation taking the kitty (two weeks on trot) mind you, seeing as he just paps it up the middle all the time the wind doesn`t affect him (so to speak) and with the handicaps of those two bandits what chance have we got…..at least they both got cut !

Peter buys us all a champions drink and is presented with the trophy.

Take care out there

Lilly the Pink

Nooner's News - 17/11/2007

Viagra 4 Ball

The place is strangely quiet at 11:00, seven Nooners, a couple of strangers hanging around and that`s about it . The sky is a tad grey but it`s dry if a little breezy…perhaps the forecast has put off the whimps ? surely they can`t be in the pub already for the Italy match…can they ?

A pockle free draw and it`s Rossco + Eric Vs Alan P + Churchill Roebuck (or should that be Champion Churchill Roebuck ? but that makes him sound like a pedigree escapee from Crufts !)

We meander over to first tee and observe a large black hearse arriving at car park….fecks sake, says Lil, no wonder it`s quiet, some buggers croaked it ! But, wait, it`s Head Nooner in his new brick…I mean car. Good news though, that`ll make up the second 4 ball.

I should say at this stage that I am nursing a really sore back and could have done with some of Head Nooners manipulation, but as ever he`s so bloody late he`s no use to me. I convince myself that the pain will ease with gentle exercise of thrashing around Lochgreen though !

I am pleased to get an eight at first,…one down and a nine at second..,Eric gets the half and a seven at the third …2 down and I have Nil point after 3 holes , …more Ibuprofen required ! However, my first half decent drive at 4^th gives me hope and I manage a half in five and one S/Ford point. Think we won 5 th hole and the back pain is receeding with every swish and I start playing decent golf at last. At the turn it`s all square so we`re back in there !

10^th Hole…always tricky but I`m 5 ft from pin after my second and Big Al is at top left of green from tee shot….not easy to get it stiff from there Al ?....the old git slots it straight in for a fine two !!! and they win next two holes as well, so in the blink of an eye we`re 3 down ! bugger !

So, another fightback required I urge Eric…and I duff my drive 20 ft on thirteenth ! I can only hack my second shot forward level with big tree on left so not looking good. But, with a majestic 6 iron my third shot just clears the bunkers and rolls gently up to hole where it lips out to 2 inches ! The four is good enough though…back to 2 down and I par the 14^th as well …1 down. I look to be favourite for 15 sitting 20 ft fro hole with tee shot but Yorkie does my chip + run shot to 1 foot and I finally scramble the half ! By now, it`s cold, very wet and very windy….not nice at all ! and our waterproofs are struggling ! So, 1 down and the 16^th looks tough…but I`m 15 ft from pin in three andPeter is 25 ft away in three…..you guessed it….he sank the birdie putt to wipe the smirk off my visage….my birdie putt just misses…dormie.

But, on 17^th my second is on green (a fine fade) say 8 ft away and Churchill is approx 15 ft off right edge of green…..the wee bastard chips to 12 inches to get the par and I can only half ! Game over…bring on the tea + chips.

My seventeen points on back 9 was encouraging but Alan P wins the kitty with 32 points. Robin was lost in action ? walked in at 12^th ???? no wonder having to listen to son of Payne`s jokes for three hours !

A tough day….but the back was much better after a wee swallie of Rioja ….but not next day…..I was crippled !

May be a new Nooner along next week…called Simon (his partner/woman works with Gill) think we could do with swelling our numbers a bit now !

See ya

Rossco

Nooner's News - 10/10/2007

Just the nine of us this week ? why ? Poor forecast ?, Darley?, who knows...and who cares ?

Sent a four ball out (early) which was possibly a mistake in hindsight but as it was a "no pockling " draw it seemed fair.

It`s Lilly + Yorkie Vs Bunny + Super Mac (MacKenzie)

hould be a close game this Peter, says Lil (hoping that our reigning champion is on form !)

First Hole : an omen of what was to come. Ian pulls his drive a wee bity left and lands well buried on left humps...Lilly in bunker , Bunny up the diddle as is Yorkie.

Lil creams his bunker shot 140 yds so green is easily reachable in two. Mac can only use a wedge to dig ball out so is 200 yds short of green. Bunny + Yorkie sclaff away happily. Shot of day coming up ? Mac `s third is a fabulous draw to 2 feet !!!!! he sinks putt for a birdie which beats my measly par. hmmmmm !1 down.

2nd hole: Peter`s par is beaten by Mac second birdie. hmmmmm !

Group of very slow strangers in front wave us through....gentlemen I say....little do they realise that they`re now going to have Mad Dog Thompson and Navvie MacGuire and Mark behind them !

3rd hole : Lilly`s par is beaten by Bunnies birdie ! this is getting silly (I was less polite on the day ) 3 down.

4th Hole: Mac `s par good enough to beat our bogeys....four down after four poxy holes..and both Peter + Ross are actually playing well.

We finally stop the rot with a half at 5th thanks to our shots.

Sixth Hole : Mac is OOB...how sad, wot a pity ! The rest of us are safe enough and three of us do fine seconds to approx 70 yds short of down slope. As we stroll towards the balls a Big Black Crow starts to peck at Peter`s ball and actually starts to move it about. As we get closer Big Black Crow picks it up in it`s beak and flies off with it...actually hovered over the field (OOB) but refused to drop it ! Peter is not happy.

"that`s my PRO V"........er more like a "Crow V " now Yorkie !

Ross gets a simple par to win hole and the fightback starts.

We win seventh and eighth as well so if we can just take the par three ninth we`re back in business. Lilly shanks his 5 iron into jungle !!!! Peter, loses his ball and we lose to a FOUR grrrr back to 2 down.

However, Peter wins 10th, I win 11th and it`s ALL SQUARE. How good does that feel. Bunny has collapsed and even Ian Mac looks like a beaten man.....until he wins the 12th...bugger...oh and the 13th...so before we could blink , all our good work is undone.

We never got it back again ! In fact the back 9 holes proved pretty hard as the wind got up and points were hard to come by. We even lost the bye when bugger lugs Brownlow finally put in a guest appearance on 17th (you know , drive on second fairway, but sticks second to edge of green and third to 6 inches !)

Despite bunny hitting Harling Drive on 18th , as did Yorkie, the games a bogey. Hard going, nae rain and less than 4 hrs. Can`t be bad.

I`m away next Sat ...missing L/Green (bad planning).

Nice to see Tam back (he lied) He got 3 birdies and won kitty with 32 points...must be like taking sweeties aff wanes ! (as they say in Glesgae)

see ya

Lilly

Nooner's News - 23/10/2007

Shot of the Day

As you will read in the news below some great golf happened over the weekend, However I think Shot Of the Day has to go to Brian the Bell.

The story goes!!!

On the first Tee up steps the Bell, his first drive goes 140 yards to the right onto Fullarton, Next shot see's a scuff of 40 yards still on the wrong fairway, Brian then decides he will put the ball back on the correct fairway just in line with the mounds, mission successful & felling like things can only get better Brian pulls out his 3 wood and attempts to smack one down the fairway, focusing on speed rather then the important things like "keeping ya eye on the ball" and "making contact", Needless to say a fresh air shot was taken. In the true manner of the game Brain vented out the anger by whacking his club on the ground, Unfortunately not thinking about it Brian managed to make contact with his golf ball and sent it 50 yards down the fairways back towards the Tee, both his playing partners Gabe and Big Al could not take any more and fell around the floor in hysterics.

The following link might give you some idea http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yy-VR4IyQLc

Sod It and Dod It: 20^th Oct 07:

Yet another dry day and it`s Lochgreen J. The place is spookily quiet ? Old firm game obviously distracting folks !

Eleven Nooners turn up and I request (politely) if I can go out first as have to get train to Glasgow @5:30…..could be tight if a 5 hr round !

Nae problem Rossco and first group is Rossco + Roberto Vs Mark + Robin.

Hmmm a four ball not for the faint-hearted I would suggest. Bound to be some vicious speech play and banter (and probably some physical abuse as well !)

The tricks start on FIRST tee with references to smoke from Marks fag drifting across the ball etc.

Ross and Robert both straight up the middle , Mark on right rough and Robin hooks into left rough. Robin hooks second as well into left rough and smacks his third just off right side of green (who needs a fairway eh ?) I`m safely on green in three (easy) and in pole position. Thompson finally manages a good shot and chips to 12 inches for a five which halves the hole with me. Didn`t feel right to me !

Second Hole: I fade one right towards reeds. Provisional hooks wild left…and I mean left …it was on FAR side of Fullarton fairway…..Smart arse English man points out that there must be at least 400 yds between my two balls !!!! (see last week report ) I get an 8 and my partner gets a 7….and they win the hole.

My 5 at the third can only manage the half as they take turns at playing well. Not much support from Roberto as yet, but the day is young .

So, after 3 holes , I`ve taken my usual 18 strokes but not the boring 6,6,6 I`ve come to love !

Rossco sneaks a five net 4 on 5^th hole …which take s it back to one down. No delay as yet and even the sixth was clear….hardly time for a bite of my buttie !

The match continued to be close : I was pleased with my driving, in fact I was pleased with my game in general (apart from second hole). Robert was leaning on me heavily but I was strong enough to cope and it was all square at the turn.

SOD (Shot of Day) contender was Robin`s drive at 9^th….a monster ! with a touch of draw as well. His 5 iron to green at 11^th was equally impressive and the subsequent par was well deserved to go one up (grrrr) and his par at 12^th proved another sore one (another huge drive) although I was unfortunate to catch the bunker .

So, back to 2 down….all that good work hauling them back and were back to 2 down again !!

On 13^th hole I was stuffing some “pruch” (Scots word the spelling of which is doubtful) into my bag only to discover that some arse hole has put a beer can into my bag….”you bastard Norman” and I toss the can aside in frustration at being “done” by an English git. However, I cosole myself that I have reversed the terminals on his power trolley leads and he is now having to push the bloody thing around !!! I win the hole as well. 1 down.

15^th: I execute a loverly 6 iron chip and run to 2 ft so looks good, but English git slots home a 20 footer for a 3…..my 2 ft putt suddenly looks like 5 feet ! but I pop it in.(phew)

It`s all getting a bit tense as I take on the two of them in turn…The Troll ? oh goodness knows ….his sole contribution to date has been to get a half….(which I also got !) but he got it first which is clearly important in the land of the Norwegian Troll.

16^th : four good drives but the three “un-thinking” members of our group try to clear the bunker strewn canyon on the right with their seconds….all fail ! Lilly decides to simply “pap” up a seven iron short of the crap. My third goes to 15 ft from pin (smug) but English git sticks his third to 8 ft !!!!

However, I SINK MY PUTT for birdie and Git misses his…..all square. Game on.

17^th : Straight drives for Roberto + Ross, Robin pulls left, and Mark beds his into GUR. My second is on green 20 ft away and Marks second in bunker…but he gets it out well and sinks his par putt (bugger) and I can only half the hole.

18^th : Tension in the air…I remind Mark of his 3 putt on 18^th last week to put him at his ease !

Four BIG drives, Robert screws up second,third, etc (wanker) and Robin misses green with his third. Marks third on green but 30 ft away and Lilly does a majestic pitching iron to 2 ft…superbe (SOD contender ). Looks good for free drink eh Rob ?

However, inevitably in this match there is another twist and English Git sinks his putt for a birdie……oh shit….Lil now has to sink his 2 footer to half the match.

I don`t have to write it do I ?.....I do a “DOD “ (duff of the day ) and it lips out ! (wanker)

My partner abuses me for costing us the match and the opposition try to stop rolling about the green holding their sides.

Ah well…it was a great match and it was a sub 4 hr round so I`ve got time for a quick drink +a few chips.

My 36 points proves feeble cf Wrighty`s 39 points and I leave sharp to lick my wounds !

Result aside..a fab day……

Cheers

Lilly …..hey…pink jumper weather approaches !

Nooner's News - 8/10/2007

Eight Nooners: Total Points ?...160 !!

Another lovely day, dry,warm, a slight breeze but nothing for Michael Fish to get excited about (20 yrs since great storm !) pity it`s the Darley but you can`t have everything can you ?

Pre golf banter? Well , there was a small advert up for a chap at the pro-shop who did club cleaning with this “ultra-sonic” bath thingy and as a special one day only offer the price was right up Lilly`s street…..it was free ! I`m up for that says Lil and handed over my manky old

Fat Shafts which hadn`t been cleaned for yonks ! no problem sir and I`ll do the grips as well…superbe…10 mins later my clubs are gleaming and it turns out that it says Wilson on bottom of blade as well !! But the rubber grips ? that was really impressive…felt like new ones ! I recommend it to you all.

I offered to get Brian`s clubs cleaned for £2 but he declined my offer !

Needless to say most of us ended up getting our shafts shaken in the bath and we all felt much better as a result.

Cards drawn for two 4 balls….clearly some watching the football (wish I had done as well in hind-site) and it`s Lilly + Ian McKenzie Vs Mark + Alaister Payne

Mark informed us he has ordered some new clubs…2 inches longer than normal for obvious reasons (bean-pole) and the clubs are designed to “draw” (again for obvious reasons having observed Mark fade/slice wildly for last 5 years !) Trouble is though…today he was still using his old clubs…and guess what ? he has started to hook the ball or at least kept it straight and left…..this should be fascinating when he gets his new ones !!! I reckon Harling Drive could be brought into play when he tees off at 1^st at Lochgreen !!!!!

Me and my esteemed partner gradually pulled ahead…loads of dove tailing (look dovetailing is when one partner plays badly the other plays well…yes ? well that`s what happened ! the fact that it was always the same partner is neither here or there…and stop being so picky will you !

So,at the turn we`re 3 up and Ian has 20 points…..I have 11, and so do both Mark and Alaister…..difficult to explain why the points were so poor….Ross was driving really well but couldn`t buy a putt all day. Mark was all over the shop…I reckon when his first drive went left and his provisional went right there must have been 200 yds between his balls ! And Alaister ?....ach he`s just crap !....but does hit the ball a long way !

Ian , clearly think of winning the medal, but not wanting to get handicap cut before semi final of summer league was confused on 10^th tee and smacked drive into bushes at front of tee…..lost ball and walked off with a seven. In fact on 11^th tee we ALL had same no. of points that we had on 10^th tee !!!that must be a first ???

Having lost more balls on various holes we shook hands on 14^th green . £1 on the bye ? chanced Lilly . Get stuffed ! was the retort. OK then with 4 holes to play , we`ll give you a one hole head start then for £1 ?.....challenge accepted ! all square after 15^th ,one up after 16^th, but all square after 17^th surprisingly ( my partner missed his putt the tosser)

So, stood on 18^th tee and The Beanpole that is that English Baw-Bag is giving it all the “three big hits and a single putt to birdie the last to win the bye” and I`m filling his golf bag with empty beer cans etc

But…Beanpole clenches his teeth (and his bum cheeks) and unleashes a HUGE drive which actually stays on the correct fairway ! the rest of us mere mortals also drive well but not up to his testosterone charged drive. He follows up with another good smacked 3 wood and is on edge of green in two !!! (into the wind). I am on green in three and Ian Mac is as well……Ian suggests that one of us will have to sink a 12 footer to half hole in 4……Lilly points out that Mark is more than capable of three putting from edge ! Lilly + Ross both in for fives……and Mark ? still loaded with testosterone hits his first putt 10 ft past pin, misses return, and flukes the five as well !

No £1 `s change hands.

Ian Mac has 35 points…which he already has in October so is hoping that other group has some decent points !!!...no chance : Think their best was 26 points meaning that Ian Mac won by 9 points and gets cut in winter league….all that and a sore back from carrying Lilly all day… stop whingeing MacKenzie and get `em in will you !

Cheers Lilly

Ps Clearly having yer shaft shaken 5 mins before playing Darley does nothing for your golf !!!!

Nooner's News - 8/10/2007

Big Elsie Skins Messrs Raynor + Mackillop

Well, what a beautiful day for October ! The only wind about was emanating from The Nooners orify (orifices ? ) and it felt like spring.

The pre match putting competition didn`t go according to plan and Mark won a paltry 30 p off the rest of us .

Despite Lilly doing the “draw” of cards I finished up in the last group which I guess just adds to my reputation of being a fine upstanding citizen.

All around we could hear the sound of Swedes, including the putting green area where we had to assert ourselves to actually have our wee match ! “ hey, Olaf… Feck Off out the way ! “ And Margaret (Starter) gave them some friendly advice about not practising chipping by the area as well….The old Scottish welcome is a live and well at Troon Munie !

So, I`m in a 3 ball and Skins are agreed. Despite my best start for long enough 5,5, 4 (yes FOUR !!!) we all have one skin each after three holes.

Elsie`s knifed 8 iron to 3 ft on first set the tone as did his jammy putt from 12 ft for birdie on second. He proceeded to ride his luck (and our arses) for the rest of the day and at the turn my hard earned 19 points was simply in adequate cf his 22 points .

The skins were still alive at this point with Four up for grabs on the 11^th hole.Elsies drive was wild and went on to 14^th fairway (first time he`d been on fairway all day) but he knifed (again) a four iron to 15 ft and sank the putt for his third lucky birdie of the day ! and the Skins were virtually over.

My game started to struggle on back 9 as did Nigel`s. Did you notice how quiet it was on Saturday ? You could hear from miles away the sound of Nigel rooting about in his bag and clanking his clubs ! you`d think with all those “dog” head covers they would muffle the sound wouldn`t you ?

Not much else of any real note that I can remember ? despite the slow round (4.5 hrs ) the Swedes behind us fell behind…they didn`t even reach the 15 th tee when we walked off green yet we had 2 groups of nooners waiting to play 15^th on our arrival.

Elsie won the kitty with a fine 40 points….only gets cut by two though ???? not that we`ve agreed the winter rules this year ?

I had to repay my debt to Eric from 2 weeks ago…..no chance of him forgetting that one was there ?

Enough of this….that`s all

Lilly

Nooner's News - 8/09/2007

A Wright Royal Rodgering

The day started off well enough: no hangover, dry day. Abit of a delay due to large outing/kids competition, but that`s ok.
A wee putting competition commenced with Gabe, Eric, Mark and myself: 10p roll-overs and no sign of the yips from yours truly and guess what ? Lilly wins 70p from the others ! Yes, a good day :)

Excessive card pockeling ensured that league games were arranged : I had to play Mr Wright in a top of table clash.
The 4 ball .....Eric + Ross Vs Graeme + Gerry.
Despite my confidence on first tee I pull my first drive into rough on left. However, Wrighty skims his along the deck heading for left bunker but it swerves away and lands on edge of the hump. Ross hits a very wise 7 iron onto right edge of fairway/semi and I walk over to find it. Meanwhile Mr Wright is addressing his ball.....standind on edge of slope with ball 3 ft below his feet and he attempts to hit a 4 iron out of rough (idiot !)...well, he lashes at the ball and it shoots off to right at 45 degrees travelling at speed 3 ft from ground heading straight for Rossco`s knackers !!!...before he could even shout "Fore-skin" , Lilly is diving for cover as it whizzed passed my dangly bits!
So, war is declared !
I cream a 9 iron to back of green and get easy 6 (as usual at first ) . Hacker Wright smacks a lovely iron to 3 ft and sinks putt for the 4. Hmmmm, words fail me and I can only mumble "good shot" as we walk off green.
Wrighty starts par, par ,par and I start 6,6,7 to find myself 3 down and reeling. Thanks to Eric we`re only one down in Big Game tho`.
With a remarkable bit of dove-tailing (or ham+ eggs ?) Eric + I both sneak birdies at the 4th....but at least I`m back in the game !!!
Important 5th hole : I`m getting stroke from old Wrighty. Both do good Drives (mine was longer tho` !) I line up my reliable 5 wood and wait for green to clear......Smack ! I top it badly (but not so badly that it is short of poxy bunker) and as I splash out of sand I`m sitting three: however I scramble a six net 5 which gets the half as Wrighty `s lack of staying power shows through.
After a long delay on tee at 6th , I am abused by the game behind for not teeing off quickly enough ????? like 10seconds is going to make the delay on next tee so much better ! I duff my 5 iron...wankers. Eric sclaffs his left but a superbe chip from the heather to 6 ft and he sinks his putt to win hole...what a star you are Eric....net two ya bass !
Next few holes uneventful with Eric scoring good S/Ford points and 4 ball remaining very close (and Wrighty clinging on to his two hole lead against me).
9th Hole : My Drive is a bit wayward to right ...inside fence but near bushes....I decide to heat a Provisional...a trusty Dunlop witha nice logo on it that I`ve cherished for several rounds/years. In fact my long departed grandmother gave it to me on her death bed urging me to look after this family heir-loom. Irreplacable obviously ! Bunton + Wright on seeing this ball stuffed with feathers give me verbals about playing with such a poor ball comparing it with their modern high tech Pro V1`s etc .Out of respect I gently pap it up the left sitting safely while I search for my original...which I find and indicate my good fortune to my playing colleagues. Can you believe they picked up my antique and threw it into the gorse !!!!
Now, all that was bad enough but Wrighty (of the ministry of funny walks) then waddles up to his ball and creams a six iron to 2 ft of pin and a tap in birdie....a reluctant Shot Of The Day....played by Sod of the Day ! No wonder he walks funny....too many 6 irons shoved up his Doughnut Ring !!!
So, at the turn we`re two down and I`m 3 down : Eric has 21 points as does Wrighty....Gerry is playing like the arse he is and I have a hard graffted 16 points.
On 10th I thin a fine 5 iron to 6 ft......miss the two.....and the three !......hmmm not happening today Rossco !
I finally admit defeat to Mr G.A. Wright on 14th green to concentrate on the Big Game. Eric is collapsing by now , he claims due to sore shoulders from supporting me ?
I smash my drive on 16th with venom....into the trees and finally N/R but Eric gets the half with Wrights birdie.
So, on 17th tee we`re dormie two down...4 average drives (mine being the longest) and they all miss green with seconds...my pitching wedge looks like hitting centre of green, but the wind gently blows it round to 6 ft from pin and I get the birdie to keep the game alive.
I refuse to comment on 18th hole other than to say that we didn`t win !
However a dry day, four hours 20 mins +10 seconds. Not the best day in the world for Lilly, but hey, certainly not the worst.
Ardneil Antics ? Wrighty`s 38 points not enough to win kitty ! (there is a god !) and Big Mark takes the spoils.

Missing again next week (it`s a Darley thing)....cheers Rossco

ps Eric....think I forgot to pay for my half of the round ?.....tough !...I mean , sorry....settle up next year !

Nooner's News - 8/09/2007

Life In The Old Dog Yet !

Not much pre golf banter as we sneaked an earlier time but some

card pockling was observed to go out later in order to get some summer league ties played.....either that or they just didn`t want to play with Lilly ?????
The first 4 ball:
Mark + Lilly Vs Gabe + Iain Mckie or Young Vs Old if you prefer !
I had singles tie against Gabe and Mark was playing both of them. I was also playing in Lochgreen Bowl final (as a former winner I felt I should at least participate!)
The 4 ball proved to be a real neck and neck tussle as we went from one down to one up and back again several times with everyone having the odd contribution. I did my usual start of 6,6,6. So was two down in singles by then.
Progress was slow but hey....it was dry and pleasant (if a little breezy) so who cares ?
My golf was "ify" as it has been of late until 5th Hole when I boomed my drive straight down the middle. The subsequent 7 iron was airbourne all the way to top edge of bunker on right of green where the sandy soil took the pace off it nicely and it rolled down to green. A fine long putt lipped out but an easy tap in for 4 got the half in all games (they were stroking !) So, a wee 4 on Stroke Index 1 eh ? there is a golfer in here somewhere after all.
This was followed by par, par,bogey,par to the turn and a respectable 17 pts.
Mark has 20 points as does Gabe (Iain has less)
I`m one down to Gabe and we`re one one down in the big game.......So, some pretty good golf being played all round and a great match.
Par 3 on 10th and it`s all square.....ya beauty....get it right up ye guys said the HR Director !
My par 4 on 11th proved enough to get the half due to strokes by the enemy and it`s game on !
We all make a bit of a hash of 12th but the bad guys win and Mark is not at all happy with his 10 (Ten ). His Drive went way left as usual but this time it just kept going over the fields and far away !
13th Hole: Ross does fine drive down left as does Mark (Iain looses ball in trees) Gabe in semi on right, duffs approach and it`s so bad it fails to reach bunkers ! (bugger) Mark does a deft wee chip to green , looks poifect but it hits overhanging branch and drops into bunker !! Ross chips safely to heart of green. Gabe chips over bunker to way beyond hole to edge of green (25 ft). I get easy 4 and feeling (and looking ) smug.
Greek Git sinks his 25ft putt to half hole!
14th Hole : Gabe chips in from off green....(*#~*****d) for birdie
We win 15th
16th Hole : Gabe sinks 15 ft putt for five leaving me a 12 footer for half (have you seen me putt lately ?) but I sink it and much punching of air is observed !...tough skool this !
So, on 17th tee it`s all square in Big Game and I`m one down to Adonnis the Greek (wee bit of irony?) I BOOM yet another drive way past the opposition (Mark ?...he`s lost the bloody plot by now). gabe slots his second short and right and I screw up my second by pulling it way left !(wally). However we both find the green with our third shots...Gabe is 20 ft away and I`m 15ft. I jokingly say that Gabe can have his in the form he`s in (ha -ha ) What does he do ? Yep... Zorba does it again and I don`t !!! one down in 4 ball and I`m beaten in singles to a better man on the day ! grrrrrrr....did I say "better " ?? I meant jammy !
So, up the last....into the wind....surely a five will win the hole ?....I get the 5......Zorba ?.....so does he ! game over. We`re buying the drinks Mark.
But what a fabulous way to spend 5 hours....seriously ..great fun and great golf. Mark collapsed on back nine and ends up with 32 points.
Ross has 36 points. and Gabe ?.....40 points ! and the kitty is his...deservedly so.
Great to see Paul Barton at Ardneil...hope we can persuade him back soon .

I`m missing next week (but will book a time )
Lill.

Nooner's News - 18/08/2007

as I didn`t golf on Sat (I had a fab day in Glasgow believe it or not !)

a wee story in place of my column this week

Golf Story

Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the Jewish People for the treatment of Jews by the Catholic Church over the years, Ariel Sharon, the Prime Minister of Israel, sent a proposal to the College of Cardinals for a friendly game of golf to be played between the two leaders or their representatives to demonstrate the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Catholics and the Jews.

The Pope then met with his College of Cardinals to discuss the proposal.

"Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Sharon wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show that you are old and unable to compete. I am afraid that this would tarnish our image in the world."

The Pope thought about this and since he had never held a golf club in his life asked "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?"

"None who plays golf very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer, who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to play Mr. Sharon as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we will also win the match."

Everyone agreed that this was a great idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and he agreed to play as a representative of the Pope.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "This is Cardinal Nicklaus. I have some good news and some bad news, Holiness," said the golfer.

"Tell me the good news, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I have played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.

"How can there be bad news?" the Pope asked.

Nicklaus sighed, "I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Tiger Woods. "

Nooner's News - 11/08/2007

Tis Better to Give than to Receive !

How wet was Saturday ?....I had actually put my Gym kit in the car as I set off to golf on the assumption that nobody else would play golf in that rain !...Wrong....7 Nooners and one Guest turned up. So, two 4 balls and I was in the second group .
Head Nooner + Alan P Vs Rab (guest) + Rossco
Two singles ties for Ross so four points up for grabs which would take me top of l

eague !!
Having given young Aird a good rodgering last week I was quietly confident that I could do the same to messrs Powell + Payne and get them to buy the drinks as well .
First 3 holes ? I start 7, 8, 6 !!! I comment on the 4th tee that I`ve had 21 blows and not a single decent shot amongst them....I was dire and was 3 down to Big Al and 2 down to Head Nooner !...All square in Big Game thanks to Rab. I aspired to get a 5.
4th Hole: I`m pleased to hit a mediocre drive but follow it with a badly thinned 9 iron which stops just short of green ! a lovely 6 iron chip +run goes to 12 inches and the others all get 5`s ,leaving me a short putt to win hole in four ..........yep, you`re right,....I missed it ! My partner is aghast ! Payne pissed his pants and I refused to make eye contact with Powell.
I actually played the 5 th hole well but lost as everyone was stroking !...not my day...to say the least. However, I noted that Head Nooner missed a short putt which at least brought some pleasure to my day.
I did manage to play some golf around this stage although Dave managed a par 5 on seventh after a crap drive to go further ahead.
Think I was three down to both old gits by this stage and one down in 4 ball.
The rain was stop/starting by now so the waterproofs were on/off and the heat was causing steam to rise from Paynes incontinence pants !
My game continued to improve but arse holes getting strokes at crucial moments meant the gap between us stayed constant.
Although back to back par 4`s on 12 and 13 was encouraging and saw us and me still in touch. Old Payne sniggered on 12 green that I had saved the "dog licence" which clearly motivated me. Think I did admit defeat to Alan P on 14th green though. To be fair he was driving well and apparently Tax Man Thompson gets the blame/credit ! I was officially rodgered !
My game with Dave P was still alive though as was 4 ball but alas , we shook hands on 17th green for a bad day`s golf for Lilly.
£1 on the bye ? suggested Rossco ......yeh , why not came the reply.
Big Al hit rough on left from tee took 4 to get out...hee-hee (bit late though). However, Dave P salvaged a par 5 to beat my 6 and Rabs 7 so we also had to pay cash as well as buy the drinks !....THE SHAME.
Ardneil chat: much pleasure from Nooners at my demise and lack of progress up the league. Troon Troll takes the spoils with 37 points. Good score in the rain I thought. (certainly better than my 29 )

And yet...you know I actually had a very enjoyable afternoon...plenty of humour and banter with everyone missing putts and screwing up with the odd touch of brilliance thrown in.

As regards the rodgering ? as I said at the outset "tis better to give than to receive".
bye for now
Lilly

Nooner's News - 04/08/2007

Rossco back from hols a day early so could play golf with ra Nooners and to let the good wife get on with the washing + shopping !
Sounds a bit Male Chauvanistic ?...yeh...it does a bit...hopefully she won`t get to read it !
Weather forecast was a bit "iffy" but this kept away the whole shorts and black socks routine !
Thought we had two fourballs as first group teed off but looks like the Dog Fiddler got his arm stuck up some poodles arse and was delayed which resulted in a four a three and a two....hardly worth turning up for such a small kitty ?

In a pockle free draw I was in the first group of Gabe + Ross Vs Dave Ellis + Airdy.

Singles ties agreed and I`m against Big Elsie (fairly sure I remember giving young Aird a good rodgering on Lochgreen a few weeks ago but just in case we agree to keep a note ).

I`m a bit short of time this week but here are a few memories.
G+R win first hole with a 5 from yours truly...which despite stating several times Gabe had difficulty coming to terms with ?
2nd Hole. Steve sclaffs off tee . Elsie wins hole.
3rd Hole. Steve sclaffs off tee...lost ball...we win hole
4th hole: Steve hits green off tee and sinks putt for a two !...typical...playing like a prick and is £5 up ! all square
5th Hole Prick looses first ball and attempts to lose second. Ross wins hole with 5 net 4.
6th Hole Big Elspeth slots home long putt for a birdie 4 and looks like the cat has had the cream.
I should remind you that Gabe was playing as well and did make some useful contributions but it must be said that he was more of a dead weight than a crutch ?
7th hole Gabe wins for the good guys !
8th Tee: Steve decides that his new tactic will be to hit the ball as hard as he can which turns out to be very effective and he actually starts to play golf...just as well as Elsie takes a nose dive.
At the turn G+R are one up....not a single hole halfed. I`m also one up against Dave E and shagging Mr Aird from every angle I can think of !(I keep telling that it doesn`t matter as we`ve done it before but he still keeps resisting !)
10th Hole...we wave nooners behind through...but after their drives...we change our minds and keep ahead.....ha-ha...fooled ya !
12th Hole : Rossco creams a six iron to front edge and everyone else is all over the shop...but Big Bloody Elsie executes a superbe chip to 3 ft and sinks putt for a 3 (shot of day?) I just miss the two to half in three !
13th Big Elsie N/R`s ! and we should go three up but Lilly screws up putts and we half. (I`m only one left in medal)
14th : Gabe does decent drive to top of hill and gets out his old wooden 3 wood....you`re not going for the green are you ? says Ross....I offer a £1 bet he won`t clear burn but he is so focussed he doesn`t hear me ! which is just as well cos he does clear it ! Else sinks long putt though and it`s back to one.
15th Ross wins
16th Ross sclaffs tee shot and records a seven...one up
17th Inevitably Elsie Tanner gets a par 4 to win hole and it`s all square in 4 ball and my singles tie .
18th Tee...bit of pressure...wee bit of speech play....Elsie creams his drive up middle.....Bugger
Aird.....bashes his out of bounds !!!! fine fellow
Lilly.....creams his with a touch of draw up middle
Gabe puts his third on Harling Drive....thanks pal !
So..it`s between me and Dave....his second is a long shot just short and left of green and my second is a bit iffy leaving me an 8 iron to the green which I stick to 25 ft from pin...hmmm ..not looking too good !
Dave puts his third to 12 ft so is looking favourite.
I ask my Greek partner whether I should go for the putt or lag it up ? ( bit like asking me do I want a small or a large red wine really ) GO FOR IT ROSS he urges. So I did....and you know....the wee white ball plops into the hole ! YES.
Else + Aird are honest enough to express their true feelings about my parentage.
Dave attempts his putt and it just misses.......unlucky guys....great game though.

Ardneil banter :...Lilly wins kitty with 34 pts thanks to his birdie at last and everyone welcomes me back from hols.....

Another fine day , well worth coming home for...hope the wifes got the ironing done !
See ya next week
Lilly

Nooner's News - 16/06/2007

Tams Dirty Little Secret.

After a hectic early morning of time booking and tasks to sort out plus an appointment at 11:00 to sell my dinghy I have to rush to course for 11:45. Thankfully the last group are hanging around as long as possible and I rush on to tee just in time for the last 4 ball.

Tam + Mark Vs Alaistair Payne (yes..son of !) + Rossco.

Payne 2 up first..skies his Drive 50 yds high and 50 yds long “at least it`s straight encourages tam). Mark bends his to right as usual. Ross pulls left (not bad for a rushed start) and Tam ?...he pulls badly left…yer actuelle Duck Hook !

Tam duffs his second into hump on left (you know :the one most of reach with our Drives !) Tam`s ball is well buried and we struggle to find it, however ,he locates it….partly under a HUGE piece of dog excrement ! Must have been a great dane as this is one large jobby ! as in a tollie ! Tam is not a happy bunny obviously . Playing shite and in the shite !....he walks off with an 8. I point out that Payne 2 beat Tam and he plays off 25 !...unfortunately Mark wins hole so we`re one down which spoils the moment a bit for me. ( I promise Tam that his Eight will remain our secret !!!)

I should also mention that Payne 2`s third shot involved a shank of 80 degrees to that intended which had both Tam and I diving for cover as the ball whizzed past our ears and finished up in bushes to right of green.

Tam pulls his tee shot on second to the Fullarton and also sclaffs his second shot again…..this is not the Tam McGuire we`ve come to know and despise …in fact I could actually quite like him ! I get the half with Mark in par 5.

Third tee sees Payne 2 top his drive into jungle at front of tee (that's my partner !) and Tam creams his up the middle…aye welcome back Tam , I'm so happy for you ! We loose to Tam's first birdie of day .

On 4^th hole Tam chips in from edge of green for second birdie and we`re 3 down ..this feels like last week all over again.

5^th Hole: halfed.

6^th Hole : Payne 2 excels himself and slices so badly he misses gorse on right and ball is in sight on that grassy strip. I cream a 5 wood to front edge ! Opposition are all over the place. Payne 2 hits a superbe chip over gorse to 12 ft….two putts for a 4 net 3 to win hole….fine fellow !

7^th,+8^th Holes : uneventful (at least I can't remember them !)

9^th Hole (by road ) Payne 2 steps up and fades one heading for road….but there is some doubt about in/out fence…..re-loads and this time makes certain it hits road and gives a huge bounce into Cecchinis garden !. He finds his first and proceeds to hack/sclaff his way through the undergrowth. Up-shot is we`re 4 down at turn !

Payne 2 ?.....you're sacked !

Rossco wins 11^th ..back to 3 down

12^th Hole : Payne 2 takes a mighty swipe at ball….it hits heel of driver and stoats into the very first tree on left of tee….and I mean the VERY first tree…..approx 6 ft from tee ! I find myself in greenside bunker after second but majestically flop it out to 2 ft for a 4 net 3….back to 2 down …..wer`e on yer tail guys !

14^th Hole: the other three all hit trees on left (wankers ) and I`m sitting nicely on left side of fairway….looks like my hole (can you think smugly ?)

Somehow Tam finds his bloody ball and a gap in the trees and finds green…..I casually pull a wedge and hit a tree on left….oops ! followed by a hack into rough and we lose hole. (3 down…buggers)

Think I should comment that English Git has been playing rather well and is giving Tam a close singles tie.

15^th Hole….we have to win this one …which I do thanks to a fine 12 ft cross slope putt for a 4 net 3…..yes ! 2 down 3 to play !

Tam birdies 16 th to ruin the match and we shake hands.

17^th saw Shot of Day (SOD) from Mark ..his second was an eight iron to 6 inches and not even he could miss that putt !.

Ardneil ? Mark wins kitty. That`s second week in a row that the opposition have also won kitty..sure they raise their game when playing against me !

Nice to see a new Nooner….smokes, drinks,farts, drinks Stella (4 pints !) and is a crap golfer…just like his Dad !

Think arriving late for golf is a good tactic…..you get less abuse before teeing off !

That`s all for this week…thanks for waiting guys , much appreciated.

Regards

Lilly

Ps He didn`t even buy my boat !

Nooner's News - 09/06/2007

Get Yer Money Out…Tam`s Back

A hot day on Darley with the usual horrible sights in the pre lunch fashion parade. Head Nooner in black shorts and a pink tee shirt. Alan P with white bowling shoes.Rossco in dark navy shorts, white socks and powder blue tee shirt.(very smart) . Nigel…dark navy shorts, black socks !, and what was once a navy tee shirt but had clearly spent too long in the sun !

First 4 ball Tam + Nigel Vs Robin + Ross

Tam claims not to have hit a ball for 4 months

Nooner's News - 19/05/2007

…be afraid ! and asks if he can play all 3 of us in singles ties as well as usual 4 ball and this is agreed.

Let hostilities commence …

Tam bags first birdie at first ………..1 down

Tam gets easy par on second………..2 down

Tam gets Eagle on third……………..3 down

Tam gets par on 4^th………………….4 down.

Now, I`m me + Robin are playing ok….I`ve got 7 Stable ford points which is a “no bad start” in my world…so I`m a bit vexed at being humped in all this heat !

I wonder about a bit of speech play..but decide against on the basis that wee Glasgow git is in the hunt for a great score for the day.

Pace of play is somewhat slow and I`ve eaten my chicken sandwich by now and downed my first bottle of water…..think that`s all my pleasures of the afternoon used up I say !

5^th Tee : With Wrighty et al observing …I duff one into grand canyon ! F*** !!!

the others play good drives ! B*******s !!

My second ball is majestic of course.

Tam puts his second shot into trees on left which came as a shock to us all and I win the hole with him with a seven net 6 against his seven ! Robin gets a loverly par 4 to win the hole against Nigels five.

6^th Tee: Tam slices huge drive OOB on right.

Re-load…..repeat process OOB on right

Re-load…..does it again….OOB on right.

Now, obviously this cheers me up a bit, but what is TRULY remarkable is that Tam remains completely calm and merely declares a N/R.

He wanders off to fetch his 3 balls and decides to drop one on fairway by the rest of us . He whacks a 3 wood …..and slices it OOB on right again !

Nigel points out that that`s 4 balls on the trot that Tam has hit OOB…must be a record there somewhere.

7^th Hole:…Ross wins hole as our fight back begins.

8^th Hole: Robin on green in two and Tam in left hand bunker for two.

Looks good for us Robin !

Tam sinks his bunker shot !...Awesome !

Robin ?...any guesses ?....(he`s stroking as well !)…..did we win the hole?..No.

Did we half the hole ? err…No !....We contrived to lose the hole !

Robin apologises….I inform him that he is a useless piece of pooh ! which seemed to cheer him up….and Nigel thought I should attend a course in diplomacy.

9^th Hole: We all screw up but Tam screws up less than rest of us.

We`re 4 Down at turn.

I resign as captain.

I smash my 10^th tee shot into bushes and am losing will to live.

However, Robin continues to fight and keeps us in the game through 10,11,12.

13^th Tee : We find ourselves 5 down with 6 to play and I`m really feeling knackered ?

But, Robin screams a good drive just short of river and finally release a decent one as well. I`m on green in three with a 15 ft cross slope putt which we really need to win hole. Guess what ?....I ram it right up them !...I mean I sink the putt.

And you know what?..I don`t feel so tired anymore…4 down

14^th Hole: Another win for R + R…3 down

15^th Hole : Robin takes the glory….2 down with 3 to play…we `re no givin up yet boys !

16^th Hole: Rossco gets a three….but wee Git frae Glasgae sneaks the half..still 2 down

17^th Hole Rossco gets par 4…..but Tam gets birdie 3 to win match !...Bugger.

Still..we finally made a game of it and took it to 17^th green so honour is restored.

Tam was brilliant in places (shite in others) and had one Eagle and three birdies. Nigel was Driving superbly. Robin + Ross ? hey , we had our moments and held it together between us !

Tam takes kitty with 35 points despite a couple of N/R`s. Bala came down to inform Tam he owed £20 lottery money…nae problem Bala says Tam..take it oot ma kitty winnings and birdie money !

Get the Barbie on chaps

See you on Lochgreen next week (thank golfness)

Lilly The Legs

Hmmm…bit of a wild morning…Strong wind and heavy sh

owers…do I really want to golf in this weather ?...however, as the morning goes on I convince myself that I should and as per usual the other Nooners turn up for the Jubilee Competition.

Full waterproof gear for me right from the start….(.my glass was half empty )

Times a bit scattered this week with some folks out early but there were three groups of Nooners in a bunch around mid-day . I`m in the last three ball along with Roberto and Nigel. Times are 10 minutes apart which meant that we allowed 1^st green to clear before we tee off.

We agree to a game of skins between us just to add to the day.

Lilly is pretty steady and start first 4 holes with 5,5,6,4.

A pattern is developing where Nigel + Robert half a hole and I win the next one outright to take the skins…it`s a fine system I`m sure you all agree ! So I have Four skins after four holes.

Fifth hole sees both my opponents stroking and we all get 5`s…another halfed hole !

Sixth Hole : I sclaff my 4 iron short of mound…Robert hooks rescue club way left..(strong wind ) and Nigel sclaffs as well. However , my chip to 12 ft and fine putt for par continues the trend and when Robert asks “how many skins do you have Ross ?” I smugly reply “all of them !”

My card looking no bad still and the steady man from Barassie continues with 5,4,5.

Wow 3 over par after nine holes (21 point Stableford) in a strong wind as well.

And (more importantly) I still have ALL the skins !

A majestic five iron on 10^th sees me narrowly miss the two but another par ensues :oh , and another skin…..game over chaps !

As the sun beats down and we get shelter from wind in The Loop..the layers are removed….what a great way to spend the day….even Nigels jokes seem funny !

11^th Hole sees our first hold up of the day. My thoughts wander to red wine and winning the Jubilee trophy etc. We mutter about first Nooner group being THREE holes behind the game in front !

I walk off 11^th with my first double bogey six having taken four from front edge !!! grrrrr!

12^th Hole : bit of a snap hook and another six. Wobble wobble.

13^th Hole: snap hook again …another six !!!

Oops , Rossco is losing it…..I try to remain calm and manage to get a par on 14^th.

OK Rossco , catch a grip…a strong finish and your still in with a shout.

We are having to wait to play every shot now which is a shame after such a great early pace of play….Swedes ? not today ! Tumshies ? absolutely !

15^th: I three putt for a five !

16^th Hole…a tough one in wind sees a seven on my card due to poor short game again.

Storm clouds are gathering over the sea but we finish 17^th hole dry…my score ? who gives a f*** by now ?...lets get in quick before the rain.

On 18^th tee the heavens open driven by hurricane force winds !

The slow group two ahead are walking to their cars …nice and dry chaps ? I`m so happy for you !

We battle our way through the monsoon to complete the course in 3 hrs 50 mins.

I end up with net 78 and 32 points….hey..not too bad given the conditions , but quite a spectacular collapse I think you`ll agree ?

Seldom seen Roberto play so badly and even Nigel missed his share of putts.

Still, they`re buying the drinks and the chips were fab.

Some wally decides we should have usual £4 kitty (suspect the Wally was Head Nooner )….head Nooner wins kitty with a very credible 35 points….nice one DP…feel free to bugger off back to which ever mosquito infested island you were on when ever you like !

See you in a fortnight chaps…..duty calls !

Lilly

Sat 5^th May:

Twelve happy Nooners arrived on a fine sunny morning on Lochgreen. Clearly a day for the shorts to be donned and the knees to be exposed, but Lilly was the only one with good enough legs to go for it !

Alan P entertained us “pre golf” with a joke about doughnuts and grapes but his memory failed at the critical moment and he forgot the punch line ! Bit like a quiz really …you have to make up the punch line….which I did….it involved whipped cream and cherries and turned out to be better than the proper (delayed) ending.

Thankfully I escaped in the first group (having initially had a Darley card in the draw but some of the more honest Nooners kindly entered a Lochgreen card in the draw for me…ta )

My 4 ball : George + Ross Vs Robin + Nigel.

My first drive is a bit of a hook….suspect I was distracted by Wrighty making clucking/chicken noises in the background ! (he`s obsessed with my shapely legs).

Despite this start I get a par 4 which gets the half.

I narrowly miss eagle on second and settle for a birdie to go one up.

A mere par 5 on third sees us go two up……some start Rossco….4,4,5…..better than my usual 6,6,6 anyway.

We certainly had time to chat/observe any scenery as it was best part of a hour to play three holes…..you just know that Robin is building up a head (?) of steam re slow play and Swedes and eventually he`s going to blow a relief valve or explode all over the tee !!!!

But despite this he is playing well himself and they pull one back at 4^th.

We have so long to wait on 5^th tee that we have a game of “petanque or boule” …which Lilly wins .

The big match remains nip+tuck as Nigel and George enter the match at random intervals but at the turn we`re still one up and I have 20 points to Robins 19. GG + NJR had less. Rusty nail is distubuted on 10^th tee.

I get my first “singleton point “of day on 10^th.

11^th tee : Swedes on fairway, Swedes on green,…Swedes coming back from green to play another ball…..you can picture it can`t you ?.....BOOM !!!!!! Tax man takes unilateral action and blasts one toward the Swedes half way up fairway…..right guys you`ll have to follow my example he hints ! which Nigel does with a cracker up the middle and George does the same…..Lilly ?....I decide to wait in a calm ,collected sort of way !...aren`t the flowers looking pretty in the woods today by the way ? BOOM !!!

We win the 11^th hole.

12^th Hole :

The Diplomatic Corps arrive in the shape of George (King of Bling) Guthrie and he explains to the Swedes two groups ahead of us the rudiments of golf etiquette and the possibility of asking the group of Swedes (mixed gender) in front of this group to either wave folks through or even possibly increase their rate of play.

He repeated this process with the group in front of us and avoided any physical or abusive language . Think Robin MIGHT have got his message over a little quicker…but the result was similar. I think I detected a minor improvement from here in ????

My personal game was deteriorating in the back nine but was adequate to beat Nigel in singles.

The 4 ball remained close but we finally put them to the diplomatic sword on 16^th green.

Final incident on 17^th tee :

One of Swedes in front plays his second from GUR on right and sticks it into graveyard. He then starts walking back towards us on 17^th tee ??? Clearly he didn`t understand our body language and GG + NJR marched toward the retreating Swedes and explained the subtleties of GUR rule !!!

We left the 18^th green at 4 :30 pm…..5 hrs after teeing off.

Standing around got increasingly chilly for those of us stupid enough to wear shorts and the old windcheater was on going up 16^th fairway…..I didn`t have my pink sweater on account of it being May !

My 34 points looked like being enough to win kitty but old Wrighty sneaked in with a credible 37 pts to snatch it.

My temporary membership of Barassie has come through now which may cause a few dilemmas for me in future ? 5 hrs on Darley on a wet windy day ? hmmm !

However, despite the delays, a good day was had and I declare myself “Boule Champion “ of the Nooners……Up The Swedes !

Cheers Lilly.

Nooner's News - 13/04/2007

Bit busy this week guys and not much springs to mind re Sat golf anyway…apart from a few howlers from Brian + Eric…more later I guess.

Had the pleasure of a 4 ball at Turnberry on Friday where Bala + Ross took on George+ Gerry…18holes on Arran course ,then lunch at Wildings then 36 holes on Kyntyre Course.

Lunch involved two bottles of Merlot (plus a wee beer) which took a few holes to wear off in the afternoon !

The match went to the 36^th Hole as dusk was settling (as was cold) and I had two putts to half the match…..left first uphill putt 6 ft short and failed to convert the six footer as well…..shame really as we were dormie three at one point !..cometh the moment..cometh the wimp !

Back to Saturday…..12 of us again….four decided to go for a beer pre match and relinquished their early slots ! Does this distract from the random draw ? could be a debating point but hey…what the hell ,we had three 4 balls so who gives a monkeys ?

My tie was Peter + Ross Vs Brian + Eric (Gadget Man + Lilly Vs Bell + Pockle)

Hundreds of strokes being given to opposition so I thought we could be in trouble…but having chipped in at first for a par any concerns I had evaporated !

Brian decided to put his first drive on to Fullarton so could continue his discussion with a pleasant American lady and whatever she said to him clearly destroyed his game…!In summary….he shanked,sclaffed, topped his way around L/Green with just the odd moment of mediocrity thrown in to confuse us….5 points to turn and 12 after 18 I think ? Not his finest 5 hrs…..yes it was that slow….and NOT due to us ! Eric tried hard , but luck was on our side all day. My 19 pts to turn and 39 pts at finish may have helped as well though !

My only real memory was 16^th Hole.: Peter drove off with a mild fade which reached edge of trees , Eric sliced his wildly into gardens (by passed the woods !) and Brian inevitably did the same !!

Peter found his ball lying under one of the trees blown down in the storms. He suggested this was a movable object and tried to prove this by pushing it. Now, this was not a mere sapling….this was yer actuelle giant red-wood tree ! Granted, if he used a JCB as a trolley it could have been moved but even with his face going purple with effort there was not even a hint of movement as he huffed + puffed ! I refused to give him a free drop and we agreed to discuss in Ardneil.

So, having won match,singles etc we all gather in pub and Brian present Peter with Winter league trophy….well done Yorky.

Brian also asks the 12 nooners for a “Peters Ruling”…the debate included: it`s just a very large twig, therefore it IS a movable obstruction, or, if it was still attached to ground at all it`s still a live tree so no relief, and, it`s the same as a green keepers workings so relief is allowed, or, if it was anyone else yes but seeing as it`s you?...No !

I think this could be a debate for a while yet as Nooners strive to find more ways to cheat/manipulate the rules to our advantage.

Afraid that`s all from me this week…..any other contributions ?

Lilly.

Nooner's News - 13/04/2007

it`s such a perfect day : 14^th April.

Blue sky, sunshine, wee bit of warmth , and it`s Saturday golf with “The Nooners”.

illy is feeling at one with the world as he drives to the course. The only bad part in his mind is that we`re on the Darley.

Car park is quiet ? didn`t even have to fight with Gerry for my usual space ?

I dole out some drugs to Brian The Bell MacDonald and wander towards the starters office to be advised by Head Nooner that actually we`re on Lochgreen again ! FANTASTIC ! The day just got better still.

Twelve of us this week and it`s tee shirts all round ..Brian sporting a particularly pretty mauve one with a wee golf logo (how sweet !). Lilly has locked away his Pink Jumper for the summer….wonder if it needs a wash ? nah ..I`m sure she washed it last summer !

First 4 ball drawn by Lilly and it`s

Yep you guessed it….Rossco + Ian McKenzie Vs Gerry +Robin T

A fine four ball and a couple of singles ties for me. We`re even playing off the yellow tees…..this is better than sex guys !!

Highlites of the golf ?

Ian Mck on first green in two ,single putts for birdie…great start partner..we`re one up.

Second Hole : Gerry (slimy oil man) chips in for Eagle ! All square and the tone is set for the day.

Third : Ian plays the perfect hole to get easy Birdie, but Ex Tax man somehow flukes a birdie as well to half hole…..tough school this !

We go one down at fourth to a mere par.

Lilly is having a grrr time as putts are just not dropping today and the opposition are riding their luck well by narrowly missing bunkers etc…..

So, at the turn we`re one down in Big Match and I`m two down to Gerry and one down to Robin….I have a paltry 14 points .

( Anyone hear/see the Woodpecker ?..there`s one in there you know.)

On tenth tee we observe game in front get a hole in one….mines a lager shouts Lill and he agrees to buy the drinks in The Bunker……we abuse him and his group for Slow play as his pals two groups ahead are two holes behind! (if that makes sense ??)

On twelth we go 2 down as Gerry uses his stroke ! and it`s going to tough pulling them back now…but Rossco is starting to sink putts and is doing better in singles as Tax man starts to crumple under the mental pressure.He`s putting for birdie on 14^th…..and of course walks off with a bogey five and a halfed hole after Ian + Lilly both in trees !!! could be the turning point ?

Fifteenth: we all miss green and after our second shots Tax man has six ft uphill ,straight putt which he converts well for par. Lilly has a six foot downhill, cross slope difficult putt on a surface as fast as Augusta……which he pops into the can for a three………wait for it…..net THREE !...back to one down. Close stuff.

On 16^th tee: Three decent drives ,but Gerry does a mild slice into edge of trees….magic ! He chips out sideways from the undergrowth and TWO balls come out !!never seen that before and I consult my rule book but can find no reference to hitting two balls at once !. He then launches his third to edge of green.

Lilly is at front edge for two and two putts for birdie and Ian also gets Birdie. Robin is arsing about somewhere and is out of it. GERRY CHIPS IN FROM OFF GREEN !!

BASTARD !!!!Slimy, Oily Weasle, and worse !We`re still one down !

Ian pars Seventeenth and Tax Man scambles the half …dormie one on 18^th tee.

After four decent drives we ALL screw up our seconds to varying degees but Ian is only one on green in three. Rest of us there in four. Gerry,Robin, Ross get Bogey sixes but Mr Kool McKenzie gets the par to half the Big Match !

A great game and a fair result…thoroughly enjoyed the afternoon.

The singles ? Rossco beat Robin and halfed with Gerry.

Yep…..a perfect day ! with a Bar BQ in the evening…..get the Rioja out !

Next week must be Lochgreen again ?......

Ardneil chat shows Steve Aird and Mark N both with 41 points…impressive golf guys…..Mark wins the kitty…well done web maestro.

Bala is arranging September Perth Outing 7^th -10^th .Previous participant s have priority but looks like spaces available.

See you next week

Lilly.

Nooner's News - 04/04/2007

Sunshine + Sand: 7^th April 07:

Just a quicky this week folks, but here`s what I can recall about Saturday.

The Easter Bunny was hopping about from The Bunker and was giving us free Crème Eggs….so that saved me buying one for Gill !

Rumour has it that Yorky Roebuck `s cruise ship has sunk off Greece ?...but probably just a pleasant rumour….I reckon the crew couldn`t stand hearing about Peter`s latest golf purchases any longer and scuttled the ship !

Three 4 Balls so that was ideal.

My 4 ball was Dog Fiddler + Lilly Vs Bunny Brownlow + Bunny Gunn.

A close match all the way in which the good guys generally had “the edge” mainly due to Steve not giving of his best……about time I got to play against him on an off day….usually he saves his best performances to beat me and his worst to partner me !

First Birdie of day went to Lilly with a fine 3^rd to green at third hole which caught the banking on right of green which redirected the ball to 6 ft…..which of course I sank for 4 points which made up for mediocre start.

The others were finding sand all over the place which was pleasing to watch as my superior course management continued to pay dividends.(see later)

Par 3 sixth hole was playing difficult what with very little breeze and bright sunshine.

Think Steve hopped off with a nine .A four won it .

At the turn Bill G has 20 points and Lilly has a useful 18. We`re two up in Big Game though. I decide to eat my brown wholemeal crusty roll with cream cheese, roast chicken and salad made by Mrs Mackillop `s own hands of course….this is not “just a sandwich…this is a Mrs Mack succulent sandwich made from only the finest etc etc etc !”

So, looking good for the monthly medal for the Nooners. I dither about club selection on 10^th tee…but go for the trusty 5 wood..which I pull slightly and it scoots into left hand edge of left hand bunker !!!! not nice….it`s a bit plugged and I have to get on my knees to play it……swish-f**k,….swish-f**k…swish-F**K ….swish !Yes I`m on the green in five, two putts for a seven and the card is in tatters !

11^th tee: I top my drive into crap at front of tee….Bollocks ! (language Timothy !).

I walk off with another 7 and loose hole to Bill G who has a six ! Grrrrr !

Anyway, having started Blob, Blob on back Nine, I steady the ship on 12^th and proceed to go par,birdie,par,bogey (after being in trees) ,par on 17^th. We shake hands in Big Game on 17^th green (we won !) and I`ve thrashed Bunny Brownlow in singles and Bill Gunn beats me narrowly.

Enjoyed 18^th Hole : Decent Drive up the middle, sliced/duffed second into bunker 150 yds from green on right !....lovely 7 iron into green-side left bunker..grrrr. Flop it out to 20 ft….and sink putt for a par 5 and three points…giving me 36 points. Bill Gunn has 35 pts. But Bill C has 37 points. (Steve played as well !!!!)

Turns out Bill C is dashing off to Oban and gives me £5 for kitty and to pay any Birdies (especially my two birdies). Turns out other two birdie men (Robin+ Ian MacKenzie) also dashed off and I`m in profit !

Bill`s 37 pts is top score for day !...So, after consultation with myself ,I am declared “winner of kitty”…..a nice little earner….Gill will get a Easter Egg after all and maybe even a set of those Bunny Ears !!!!

Hope to hear some other exploits from other games as well ??

See ya next week

Lilly

Nooner's News 10/04/2007

Lily's column - 04/04/2007

War Veterans and Retired Staffs Outing to

Shot of the Day

Other News

Smoker on Friday Night.

Shot of the Day

On the 1st Tee from Troon "Mr A Payne Jnr", Standing on the first tee lochgreen, the normal few warm up swings and then addressed the ball, with an almighty swish and then a Bang sound. Everyone looked up, by this point there was a golf ball heading for the moon like a space craft.

The golf ball started off very low, In fact it must have been 1"off the ground because it hit the wooden yellow tee marker 20 yards in front of the tee and shot 300 yards into the air, unfortunately it only advanced 50 yards down the fairway. :-) The ripping had already started and we have not left the first tee.

Other News

Shot of the Day

Other News

The whole Group was finding it hard this week, with very few points,

Lucky for some England managed to get more points then some of us could manage. :-)

Come on Boys Could you be World Champions for a second time in a row ??

Shot of the Day

Other News

Semi-Final Summer.

It was a down to the wire Semi final this week, the front 9 was all level, The turning point was the loop, at the 12^th Mark let peter off the hook with both of them getting a 6, then 2 very poor drives by mark gave peter 13^th & 14^th, Peter was two up with 4 to play, 15^th Mark takes the hole with a par, now One up with 3 to play, 16^th is marks fav hole ( Might have something to do with the shape) Mark rams home a bride 4 to pull it back all level, 17^th Hole both on the green in two, Peter has a 30 foot putt for the birdie, Peter knocks it 10 feet past the hole, Mark just missed the bride but still smiling as he is only left a 2 foot putt , Peter sends a clear signal that he is still fighting when he makes a ten feet putt looks so easy, Mark misses his two foot putt to return back to one down and one hole to play. Both of us hit a nice drive down the middle, Peter plays first and hits a 3 wood into the mound on the right side, Mark hit he 3 wood over the right but a bit longer missing the mound, Peter hits a blinding shoot off the top of the mound running all the way to about 6 feet from the hole, (Mark thinks peter must have stood in dog shit on the mound, Lucky Banker) Mark plays a wedge into the green leaving a 10 foot putt, with both missing the putts the hole is half in par’s, Peter moves on to the next round,

It was a great semi final with ups and downs and I would like to thank the Troll and Gerry who made up the 4 ball for giving great support to both players,

Congratulations Peter and Best of luck in the final.

Mark

Shot of the Day

Gabe & Mark for having the courage and “eye of the tiger” to take on the very rarely seen “Bouncing Ball” shoot, it’s about the only time I have seen a pitching wedge go 400 years.

Other News

No news from the 12th May,

Shot of the Day

BOOM !!! BOOM !!! Tax Man for keeping up Foreign Relations

Other News

Never hang around the tee with Alan Payne. maybe because of the attempted joke on the first he switch to telling us little story's on the 2nd tee. "My parents wasted there money sending me to ballroom dance lessons in Waltz, Foxtrot. when in 1968 I was in fact the original Jive Bunny and I was very good

However Alan didn't want you to know there is a clip of him swing his stuff.

Well I must say it took me 3 holes to compose myself and get the images out of my mind.by this time Mr Reliable was 5 up after 5 holes.

Other News

Brian present Peter with Winter league trophy

well done .

Shot of the Day

Shot of the day I think has to go to myself,

Standing on the 7th Tee at Lochgreen, I hit my drive as normal out left and waiting for the ball to come back, Na not this time !! one bounce and into the bush on the left-hand side, after taking a long hard look and coming to my senses I took a drop out of the bush, Take ya punishment and move on. this left about 225 yards to the green, Out comes the 3 wood, still raging with taking a drop shoot I gave it everything I had, Up and sailing throw the air it looked like it might hit the green side bunker, O'No One bounce and it jumps over the bunker right onto the green, Phew, as I walked up I could not see any sight of the ball thinking that its run over I make my way over the back of the green, Nope not a ball in sight !!!!! it was not until someone asked me if I would like to take my ball out of the hole did I ever think it would have finished there, WoW an “Albatross” on a par 5 with a penalty stoke Nice going.

Other News

Rules of golf posted to help members understand when a penalty stoke is applicable.

Some members should read them.

Ball at Rest is Moved

Rule 18-4

18-4. By Fellow-Competitor, Caddie or Equipment in Stroke Play

If a fellow-competitor, his caddie or his equipment moves

the player’s ball, touches it or causes it to move, there is no penalty.

Ball in Motion Deflected or Stopped

19-2. By Player, Partner, Caddie or Equipment

b. Stroke Play

If a competitor’s ball is accidentally deflected or stopped by himself, his partner or either of their caddies or equipment, the competitor incurs a penalty of two strokes.

if a fellow-competitor, his caddie or his equipment deflected or stopped a ball then its treated as Rule 19-1 By Outside Agency and no penalty applies.

Its a good job Saturday was not a comp or one member might have been told false information twice in the one round.

Other News

Winter League closes

We have a new Winter League champion congratulation to

New Forum up and running

remember to register yourselves there is a private members section that you will not see unless you register

Shot of the Day

See Lilly news on shots of the day, looking at the bar bill think it was whiskey

Roxbourgh -2007 :

After much debate about tee off times and departure times ,best routes etc, 12 Nooners left Ayrshire at 6; 30 am as agreed . Aye right !

The Murray vehicle left on time but was caught up in a “time warp” at Symington due to The Oil Man (Gerry) still being on Winter Clocks times. They finally woke him and left Symington at 7:15 !!!!Nice Start boys.

The Glyn car with Alan P, and Lilly left on schedule and was seen speeding passed Bala ,Nigel and Roberto on the A70. Eat our dust ya slow coaches !

We get to Moffat and the road deteriorates into a sheep track with humps in road and bends on bends ! Lilly (having had a glass or two of Chianti the previous night) starts to feel a tad “jaded” and we agree to stop to 1. Have a sandwich and 2. To calm down Lilly`s stomach.

The Tortoise (Bala et al) calmly drives passed us with a happy toot of the horn.

Bala car also has a large lump of feathers sticking out the front grill ???? seems he already has first birdie….a young pheasant….nice gift for Lord Roxy though !

Glynn (The Hare ) car sets off at much reduced speed and Lilly at the wheel !!! We arrive at golf course right on schedule at 9 :30 as did Bala etc and Bacon Rolls +coffee are swallowed …Lilly feeling much better now !

Mark + Steve also turn up (almost on time….whingeing about Edinburgh traffic) and we get a message that Murrays Limos will be late ! (Wankers).

So, 8 of us agree rules,nearest pin etc and are just teeing off when Murray`s Men arrive…..we inform them of prize holes and off we go….Old Man Payne and Nigel in a buggy.(Disabled +Retired)

Bala has arranged team prizes ,individual prizes, etc etc with his usual thoroughness so all is clear ???/ Aye right.

However, the rain is off ,the banter has started, and all`s well with the world.

Not going to say much about the golf…Mark hit his usual trees of course. Steven + Ross gave Roberto + Glynn a good thrashing. ( Glynn has severe flu type symptoms so is classed as War Vet )

So, first 18 holes completed by all 12 of us…..Bala tries to sort out team event but finds that the late arrivals from the morning played off wrong tees ! (wankers)

An enjoyable lunch was had and 10 of us go out for another 12 holes (nine for Brian who has sore back …Disabled ) The other two being Thelma + Louise (Gerry + George) who decided to go shopping in Kelso )

Nigel + Alan are sent out first as two-ball in their buggy and complete 18 holes in afternoon. Brian only manages 9 holes as is crippled ! The rest manage 12 holes as darkness descends.

We wander back to our Country Mansion to shower etc before getting dressed for dinner…..except Glynn who is his usual self ! (scruffy AND disabled)

Much debate about how/who to pay for drink to ensure a fairer split and a cunning plan is agreed that all drinks pre and during meal will go on the bill to be shared evenly and all drinks post meal will be a cash kitty for those participating…..pity they didn`t take cash at all !!!!!!

Canapes duly served and scoffed and dinner orders taken….Rossco is asked to order the Rioja…but last years stuff not on menu !!!!!! I find a substitute though which will have to do at £35 a bottle….only 3 bottles ordered ! We then go onto some French crap which is served in a giraffe ! I made a minor scene about this but gave up when the wee Ukranian waitress burst into tears !

Dinner itself ? quite simply Superbe !

The big heated conversation topic was how to deal with the plonkers who played off wrong tees in morning…..12 Nooners and 13 ideas ! The topic raged for the whole meal with pistols being drawn and knives flashed but the final result was “ the 4 cheats got their £10 stake money back each “ and so this just shows you that cheats always win with the Nooners !!!!

I never saw the final wine bill, but rumour has it that it was in xs of £400 ????

We retire in dribs and drabs….last man standing was Steven aird although George was still up…..asleep in chair and only woke up to order more red wine !

DAY 2……still being worked on !

However,…ask Brian about The Clanger he dropped on the 12 Hole.

Or Mark about the life expectancy of his new power remote trolley.

Or Bala about how to get a ball to bounce FOUR times on a lake (13^th ) and it makes it to dry land on other side !!!

A great couple of days , thanks for your company guys.

Put me down for next year please….and BIG THANKS to Brian (The Bell) for organising the rabble .

Cheers Lilly

Nooner's News - 31/7/2006

Life is generally a bit hectic for me (all my own doing though), have just completed my first Ironman triathlon in a respectable 11 hours 48 minutes and 41 seconds, which I believe is about the duration of a round of the Darley these days? The 4 hour 58 marathon will have DP in despair, but I guess there aren't too many about who have rode a 5 hour 29 minute 112 mile bike ride.

I've included any Lilly columns I could find that he has sent through and any musings from David recently:

DP's info:

15/7/06 - A hot and sunny day on Lochgreen. What more can you ask for? The visitors seem to have gone away or are moving faster as it was only a little over four hours. The only trouble with a day like this is the standard of dress that was on display. I'm sure some of the shorts were being worn to win a bet. Certainly made you concentrate on the golf, it was too scary look anywhere else.
Wrighty decided to give the packing a rest and brave the golf course, so I decided to drop back to let him what really crap golf looked like. Bobby Galt joined us again but only after receiving a warm welcome from Ross that he had better not win the kitty again!! "Bunny" Brownlow is heading towards the 10p birdie territory after taking the kitty with 41 points. Jim Pennington will have a field day on that score.

Lily's column - 15/7/06

Sat 15th July :
Well the sights you see when the Sun comes out !
Lilly is smartly attired in nice cream coloured shorts and white ankle socks....could grace any tennis court. But the first shock is Charlie who is sporting long navy shorts and knee length black socks....not pleasing to the eye at all. But worse was to come when Nigel arrives wearing an old Arran Ale shirt with mid thigh khaki shorts and shin height black socks.......words nearly failed me.
I wangled a slot in second 4 ball and it`s Alan P + Lilly Vs Charlie + Ian McKie.
Alan has more aches and pains in his decrepit/abused body than alcohol and Ibuprofen can deal with and he manages to loose his first tee shot so gets his N/R in after just one bash !!!!
Lilly plays a decent second up left of fairway/semi ? and we never find my ball either !! N/R after two strokes ! hmm , may not be our day Alan ?
I loose singles to Ian who has a 7 which pisses me off a bit/lot.
A par 5 on second not good enough cos jammy oppos get birdie(ian).
Third hole sees us 3 down after three. Alan hasn`t actually reached the hole with a putt yet and I ask him where he got his blouse from ?
We scrape a half at 4th.
Lilly wins 5th thanks to free stroke and incompetence from Ian +Charlie......hey the rough on this course is severe...best not to go there!
6th Hole : Poultry is the theme. Can`t remember all the FOUL/FOWL puns but suffice to say that Ian LAYED up to hole nicely, Alan CHICKENED out of his putt and left it half way. Ross COCKED up his tee shot .Think someone made a right BREAST of themselves on the green (me) and the final comment went to Charlie who stated that we`d lost our place on the PERCH.
Such gay banter.
Pace of play pretty good today despite loosing balls at odd intervals...Lilly wingeing about having bad luck buts little sympathy but we`re getting back in game gradually.
Ian hits the road on 9th hole and ball into Ceccinis garden.....I loose my second shot into bushes and despite having N/R`d i walk back to play another to get a six a win hole in singles tie....desperate times !
After more bad luck on 10th,11th and 12th and a garden ball on 15th we wave white flag and shake hands on 15th green.
The bye ? yep we lost that as well......you can probably tell I`m short of time today...so must dash.
Final comment......Nigel appears in Bunker Bar with same gear on but now wearing Sandals.......still with black socks on !!!!! Aye, makes you proud to be British doesn`t it ???????
see you next week......hope the suns gone and we can get back to long trousers (skirts in your case Alan )
Lilly

Here's an old Lilly column taken off the front page:

Lilly`s Column 8th July 06:

Seems a while since got round to this, but have a few mins spare today so let`s have a bash.

Darley was the venue on a warm and blustery morning...and a celebrity appearance by Ian McKie......great to see you again.....and glad you`re well healthwise and congrats from all Nooners on your result in court .

Just shows that not ALL Nooners are bandits after all !!

Three 4 balls this week which was ideal and in second group .

It`s : Brian Mac + Rossco Vs Chas Birrell + Ian McKenzie.

Brian getting 14 strokes in 4 ball so that looks promising especially the way Brian hitting it off tee of late .

1st Hole : all away ok (I`m on 18th Darley but cleared rough) and we`re all around green in 3...Ian in right bunker and Charlie in left. Ian plays his out with ease to 6 ft.

Charlie majestically leaves his first attempt in the sand ! tries again..and fails again..and again and this time it bounces back and hits his club !..Lilly is tittering. What am I doing ? utters Charlie in disbelief ....but he keeps on doing it anyway ! I`m on my back holding my sides by now but he does eventually scuff it out....goodness knows what he put on his card !

However ,Ian gets a five and Brian gets 6 net five for half.

2nd Hole: I threaten to remove the lower legs of my ³convertible trousers² but after excessive abuse (mainly from my partner) I decide to delay implementation of that tactic until a more important point in the match ! Nothing else on this hole to report.

3rd Hole : 3 great tee shots from colleagues but Lilly is in the burn ! Brian Mac sinks putt for Birdie....fine fellow. One up.

4th Hole: we loose to a par.

5th tee: The scent of Swedish Totty is detected in the air and the source is finally spotted on 10 th tee....certainly helped fill the delay nicely. The blonde one tops it into the gorse....and one of us runs down shouting ³let me check out yer bush² (wisnae me !)

5th Hole: Ian in bushes on left, I`m up middle but 50yds behind Chas,and Brian over on right. 3 sclaffs later and Brian is in gorse on left.....oh-oh he`s wobbling a bit !

But Charlie`s in bunker so we`re ok think Lilly..wrong..he plays it out easily and gets a 5 net 4 .

6th Hole : uneventful half

7th hole : Brian`s wobble shows signs of a stagger and he smacks it into the hill in front of tee...he then hooks it way left into jungle, finds it and batters it into a bush....the rest of us play on (I get my par net birdie) and the Wild Man from Borneo eventually picks up .

Three N/R`s on the trot now ensue for Big Mac...in fact he is asking what it feels like to play a second shot !

The wind continues to gather strength and our golf generally goes downhill and Brian + Lilly slide behind in Big Game....

On the 14th tee I enquire how Brian Vs Ian tie is going and to my surprise Ian advises me he`s 1 down !!!!!! ³ Christ Ian , you must be playing REALLY shite ³ this seems to amuse Mr Birrell more than my partner though !

On 15th tee we find ourselves 3 down with 4 to play....so I decide to take my tee shirt off (desperate times !) but that didn`t work and we lost hole anyway ! Actually it was getting cold so I was putting on a warmer shirt and jumper.

So ,game over, chips on bye ? absolutely !

Brian looses 2 balls to Marr college on 17th so N/R`s again....we`re on green and he`s still charging through the undergrowth at Marr, but he seems happy enough so we let him get on with it. He announces that he`s lost 6 balls ,but found 5 newer ones.

18th Hole: Game in front (Nooners) wave us through....then keep playing up , so we end up with EIGHT of us on 18th green (even Brian finished)

Tempreture dropping and rain on the way, but we head for Bunker....others head for Ardneil thinking we`d gone there ? confusion reigns...so we head for Ardneil for kitty drink.

George (aka King of Bling) claims kitty with 33 pts and we have a debate about provisional balls/lost balls etc but who cares..rather twee bowls of chips are served complete with three varieties of dips....pinkies in the air we all dip in as it starts pissin down outside......fantastic timing for the boys.

Hope all aware Green Jacket postponed? See you next week on Lochgreen,

Lilly

As ever, any content for the site should be sent to me on: webmonkey@nooners.co.uk. Or alternatively, please use the forum, it gives the Nooners an opportunity to chat or have discussions. I would like to see greater use to assess its usefulness.

Nooner's News - 22/3/2006

George Guthrie takes £11 in the St. Meddans sweep, for full results see The St. Meddans Site

DP gives us his version of events:-

I think we have the normal times next week, forgot to check exact numbers. Time bookers for Saturday are: S Brownlow; I MacKenzie; R MacKillop; Mr Reliable and me.
Another good turnout on what started off as a pretty awful day. Compared to the morning, we had the best part of the day, cold but dry with a brisk north breeze, which meant the first few holes were slow because the good guys could reach in two, but we still managed to get round in four and a half hours. Which is amazing considering some of the antics of the group in front of us, where on the sixth hole, one guy picked out the bunker, which was GUR, at least six times before he got his ball on the green and then proceeded to put out.
Have to confess the ultimate indignity of losing to Lilly in the league. A close battle, where Lilly was strolling along nicely, not doing very much, but managing to keep one head until all of a sudden he was two down and was forced to play a bit of golf. He should have been well and truly fresh for the challenge, having been carried most of the way by Ian MacKenzie.
Robert McInnes and I found ourselves three down after five holes and Ian two or three under par and sinking everything. The way it was going I feared a Dog License hammering, as we were six down after 10 holes. Fortunately for us, the strain of carrying Ross started to wear Ian down and the puts stopped dropping. A few pluses for the good guys, saw us reach the 16th before shaking hands. Some embarrassment saved, at least. We also halved the bye, thanks to Robert, even better.
No doubt Lilly will have a different view of proceedings, with his rose tinted spectacles. But credit where credit is due, I have to give him the "shot of the day" award. There was much hilarity on the 12th tee, as I positioned my drive perfectly behind the small tree on the left hand side of the fairway. Robert hits a good drive down the right, Ian the cracks a beauty down the middle and Lilly steps up, a whiff of smugness in the air, and hits the most elegant of high flying hooks over the trees, the road and into the field. Some of the effect is probably lost in the telling, but I enjoyed it!
Our match? Lilly won it on the 18th with a par to my bogey. Oh the shame!

Lily's column

Normal Service Resumed ?
After a right scabby morning with sleet/rain/wind etc 14 bloody idiots turned up as usual for our weekly social event. I had more layers on than an onion and that,coupled with remains of Friday nights Rioja, had me nice and warm for the weekly pockle/card draw.
Head Nooner drew the cards,so needless to say the first 4 ball was Dave P +Robert McInnes Vs Ian McKenzie + Ross.
The Troon Troll (Robert) was heard to whinge that pockling must have been afoot until he realised that he also had been drawn out in first group!
Ian plays off 5,so plenty of shots going in singles ties and 4 ball match.....did I say that I`d been "hacked" to 12 ? Think I meant have mentioned it?
Anyway,off we blasted,and some pretty good golf was observed on first hole which Lilly won with a 5 net 4 in Big Match.....by sinking a three foot putt.....but more of putting later !
Ian MacKenzie continued to play well and had several birdies in first few holes and I was enjoying the ride. Speaking of "riding"...we gradually eased ahead of Head Nooner +Troll and you know,we never saw the rain all day! The wind was behind us for first 6 holes and apart from a bit of slow play,all`s well with the world. I should have got 2 at sixth,but left 4 ft putt on lip of hole (whoose !)
Even into the wind,I was steady enough,but Ian was just a joy to behold from where I was standing (Oz +Troll may say otherwise)
At the turn,we found ourselves three up and my esteemed partner had 21 pts.
Head Nooner decided that desperate times required desperate actions,and offered Malt Whisky,which I hesitated over for 2 seconds before weakening ! mmmmm....very nice.
Although Head Nooners dirty tricks worked well enough on me,my partner had 28 pts after 12 holes and the old dogs licence was on the cards!
They finally won a hole on 11th (thanks to strokes) so they finally got to go first on 12th tee.
Powell MAY refer to SOD Nomination here but don`t take anything he says as gospel.
Lilly`s game was starting to show signs of previous week and in particular I had developed that debilitating condition "MacGruer`s Wrist" ! My first putts were great weight but within 3 ft I was a lost cause. Gradually,I allowed Oz Git and Troll to pull me back in singles,and Oz man actually got ahead of me by Two at one point .
Ian MacK developed backache from carrying excess weight after 12 holes and exhibited a spectacular collapse. 28pts after 12 holes and he finished with 33pts after Eighteen.......this guy could make a Nooner after all !
However,I get my finger out and we win 4 ball on 15th green and Troll admits defeat in his singles ties as well.
16th Tee: £1 on bye of course. Troll slices into woods.We half hole in bye and I get back to all square with Oz.
17th Hole: McInness flukes a win....all square.
So...18th Tee: Powell and Mackillop are level and we`re 1 down in Bye.The wind is right into our faces and speech play is abundant.
I sack my bloody useless partner as this is getting serious now ! Yes,I know he`s only new to join us,but he`ll have to learn sometime......
After two good blows Oz and Lilly are side by side approx 140 yds short and the wind is howling. Troll and Ian? missing in action somewhere !
Lill smacks a fine 5 wood to front of green,and Oz smacks his into bunker on right...heh-heh -heh. Lil biting hand trying not to guffaw!
However, Powell plays a fine sand shot to 7 ft......the Bastard.
Lilly faced with 30 ft putt,sticks to 4 ft.....well out of my range on todays performance !
But,Dave slides his putt past hole,and Lilly somehow sneaks his in for par to win singles AND half The Bye.
So,all in all,a decent day......My first points of Summer League andfree drinks and no rain.
Get `em in guys !
Bring on Big Al Payne...I`m ready for you ya old cripple !
Fond Regards
lilly

Nooner's News - 29/3/2006

More Nooners win money - D. Ellis and E. Murray - see results on: troonstmeddansgolfclub.com

DP gives us his version of events:-

We have five times next week starting at 11:28. Time bookers are C Birrell; S Brownlow; D Ellis; R MacKillop and I MacGruer.
The Winter League is complete and we have a new champion, Steve Brownlow proved to be uncatchable in the end. However, it was close for the runners up, Charlie held on to second from the gathering crowd in third. Have not had a four way tie for third before. Well done everyone, another successful competition.
A nice day, almost spring-like, a bit of sunshine, with an interesting wind blowing. Some of the golf was decidedly mixed. Playing with "Bunny" Brownlow, David E and the Dog Fiddler, some of the golf was decidedly mixed. Steve started off well and a good score looked on the way as the puts were dropping, but then the FUF arrived and gave him some guidance. Bill C was being the usual nuisance, particularly on the 9th and 10th, where he submitted his contenders for SOD. Poor tee shot, reached greenside bunker in three, across the green 30-40 yards from the pin in four to in the hole in five. The cheers had to be heard to be believed!! Then just in case we thought one fluke was not enough, he proceeds to pull a similar trick on the 10th, at the back of the green in two, long downhill bending put that looked to be missing left, stops at he edge and drops in. More "polite" applause. Bit of a gathering at the 15th, where Steve pulls his tee shot into the heather, which had the observing gallery commenting "And that's our champion?".
Eric took the kitty with 41 points and does not get cut (by me anyway, Jim Pennington will take care of him though).
A good day's golf at not too slow a speed. Well done Steve and now for the Summer.

Normally I crown our champions, but Stephen has issues getting a crown on.

Lily's column

Lily's column this week comes in the form of a document. Very much worth reading, page 4 is an absolute cracker, read the receipt as a timeline with commentary!
A Couple of Days in the Country (pdf format)
Word Format of above

Nooner's News - 22/3/2006

SB takes serious money from the St. Meddans sweep, check out the results on troonstmeddansgolfclub.com

DP gives us his version of events:-

Five times next week starting from 11:42.
Time bookers are S Brownlow, B Collier, B MacDonald, I MacKenzie and me.
The suggestion to let the groups between us to go first failed as they were not ready, so Phil sent us out first. Three groups, initially, four and two three's, but Bill Collier turned up in time to join the last group. I was in the three ball with Ian MacGruer and Pete Roebuck, but discovered going down the first that we were really a four. I had the FUF for company all afternoon. Last week Ross reckoned I was playing like a "coo", well this week, it more like a donkey. The good bit was that the FUF was considerate enough to give Ian and Peter a hand every now and then, which was comforting. Apart from some good drives which unfortunately went through the boys in front, (sorry chaps, one of them was mine), I have to submit my candidate for shot of the day, which falls into one of two categories, "a sister-in-law - up there but shouldn't be", or as Ian put it "an OJ Simpson - got away with it". Anyway. Third shot on the 13th, nice wedge distance into the wind, completely thinned the shot (almost cut the ball in half, I think), hardly left the ground but kept going all the way to stop 4ft from the hole. The put was duly sunk and I won only my second hole for the day, had to wait till the 18th for the third though.
For a while it looked like 31 points would take the money, but "Bunny" Brownlow rolled in with 33. Even cutting him has not stopped him winning the money and with on one more week to go, the league looks to be his.

Lily's column

First 4 Ball was :
Brian Mac + Nigel Vs Gerry + Ross
" Lots of shots being given to our opposition Gerry" says Lil,even though Brian down to 24 thanks to his recent run of form (last weeks Kitty !)
Thought I'd won first with a nice par 5...to be disappointed to hear that Big Mac was stroking even at SI 11 ? Could be a sign of things to come?
Sure enough, Brian's 5 net 4 won the second...in fact as Gerry +Ross had 6's ,I was forced to take some pleasure from Brian wasting a stoke! (one has to seek ones pleasures wherever one can!)...One down.
4th Hole: Ross smacks a fine 7 iron on to bank on left of green and it rolls down to 6 ft.....and a 3 is good enough to win hole. All square.
5th Hole: All clear the canyon and after 3 shots Ross,Brian,Nigel are all at back of green and all stroking...Gerry on front edge in two,so probably scraped a 6....putting like a fart partner ! However,Nigel ,adjust his trousers,eyes up the hole,takes 10 practise swings,and slots it home for a fine par 4 net 3.....bugger! One down again.
6th Hole:Halfed in 6's? Brian still hitting the ball exceptionally well...he puts his success down to some coaching from Rev MacGruer apparently,it's certainly working !thankfully,his short game hasn't improved to the same extent !!!!
7th Hole: As we walk off tee,Yorkie Roebuck suggests we're a hole behind ????not true,but we wish him well anyway! As Gerry is about to play his second,game behind Drive past him......very ungentlemany conduct..even for Nooners ! Gerry gesticulates his good wishes to game behind! Half?
8th Hole: Gerry blasts his Drive into shrubbery in front of tee....language Timothy! Ross wins hole...all square !
9th Tee: we have to wait for green to clear/un-zippa banana/un-zippa ma trousers/etc etc (so much for being a hole behind) I'm on bank at right of green,against Nigel+Brian on green from tee shots,but a loverly wee chip to 2 ft from Rosco puts the pressure on them.....they fluke a half though!
10th Hole: Game behind (Yorkie again) aims second at Gerry as we clear the green.....was that a shout of Fore? we must be going deaf! Clearly hostilities are breaking out! Can't remember who won what holes or much detail,but the 14th hole potentially decisive as it was their last stroke...all square after this hole I think. Anyway,we win 15th......and again the twats behind Drive through some of our group......not me....I was taking cover up at the green!
18th Hole we're Dormie one up (deservedly) and again the game behind Drives past Gerry..+ Brian....not happy bunnies!...Violence in the air etc. We win hole and match and claim free food+drink (Brians idea !!!!!!)
That's all for noo
sorry a bit rushed ..gotta dash
Rossco
ps Bunker Chat........Ayrshire Links Trust is gathering momentum ...must be good news. see some of the lucky nooners at Roxburgh...hostilities can be resumed!

Nooner's News - 14/3/2006

Brian took the money this week, so make sure and let him know to go to the pro-shop, think it was £13 if I'm not mistaken. DP and Ross both won £8.10 for twos. Well done all.

DP gives us his version of events:-

We have four time next week three between 11:28 and 12:00 and two more at 12:30. Suggest we swap the 11:28 time to have three groups together.
Only four time bookers next week, so could do with a volunteer please. Time bookers are G Bunton, B MacDonald, R MacKillop and me.
Brian Mac takes the money with a cracking 40 points. Must have been less humour and a bit more concentration this week.

Lily's column

A Cold Day on Lochy :
Three 4 balls this week...suspect some pockeling with first four? seeing as it was by coincidence the four folk sipping on Gin +Tonic who were in charge of cards ! That would be Eric (of course),Charlie Red Bonnet,Bunny Brownlow,+Mayo Man (don't ask!)
Next 4 ball...all honest and above board was : Ross + Peter Vs Dave P +Dave Ellis.
Stakes for the day agreed as £1,£1 and £3...winners to buy drinks.
First Hole saw Good Guys go 1 up thanks to a 5 (net 4) from me...would have been a safe 4 but for hollow "tyne" each hole being 1 " wide and this caused my ball to turn 90 degrees as it slowed down !....fair do's tho...David E 's did same.
Steady golf kept score as is until 4 th hole. (Head Nooner playing like a coo !)
4th Hole: Nomination for S.O.D.....Dave E second to 2ft from pin and easy Birdie...all square.
5th Hole: Head Nooner on railway line and I end up in bushes on right of green/path...Peter decides to contribute at last and we return to 1 up.
6th Hole: Not good ...Dave E wins hole with par..all square.
7th+8th;halfed So,it's £1 on the Ninth . Lilly sclaffs drive ,but recovers well and on green (20ft) for three.Peter also on green for 3 approx 10ft away,but he wellies it 9ft past after 4 shots!!. I ram home my 20 footer to really piss them off !...I felt I was due one,but the loosers disagreed...they are so,disagreeable !
Another S.O.D. Contender coming up
A wee Glenmorangie on 10th tee and Head Nooner suddenly plays a good shot into the Glen of Tranquility to18 inches....easy two even for him..all square.
Think it all got very competitive from here on in and we halfed 11th,12,13,and 14 th.????Did Peter winit?
15th Tee S.O.D. Nomination to Lilly: A great 5 wood which follows contours majestically stops 2 ft from pin...much applause from the game in front. But Oz Git reminds us that there is a golfer lurking in there somewhere in the dark recesses of his mind (don't think we ought to go there though) and he sticks his own tee shot to 6 ft.....and reminds us that he is getting a stroke! He gets his 3 net 2 and the pressure is on Lil......"just do what you always do Ross " says Peter......"eh? and leave it short like last week?" thinks Lil !!!!
But ,in it goes for my two and we half it...still one up
16th Hole: Dave E in puts second into Gabes bushes (sad I know !!!) and Head Nooner puts second into bunker as does Yorkie Roebuck.
Lil plays safe up left and is on green in three...and looking smug ! but Oz git plays a great bunker shot out followed by a lovely "putt" to 12 inches for easy par 5.....which I can only equal....still one up.
17th Hole: Lil puts second onto heart of green and a par 4 results .But Elsie boy sinks 6 footer for the half. Dormie in match and all square on back 9.
18th: I fuck up my Drive and find myself having to chip over bunker to green with my 4 th shot. Peter? he puts his third effort short of bunker as well and flops his 4th INTO bunker (thanks pal!).....The two Davids are safely on green for three both 8 ft from pin....I execute a nice wee chip to 6 ft though after 4.......not over yet guys.....they both miss their birdie putts but are in safely for par 5's.
Just leaves Rossco to sink his 6 footer to half the hole and Win match.......anti-climax.....MISSED IT !!!!!!
So,we win front 9,They win back 9 and we half big game.......a superbe match with a fair result.
No rain,and a four hour round meant we caught second half of rugby......hmmmmm....bring on Italy !
Bye for now
Lil

Nooner's News - 7/3/2006

Ross won £11 and the monthly medal (one to celebrate at the smoker), David Ellis won the first class and £11, well done all. Best wishes to big Al, maybe should lay off the wine!

DP gives us his version of events:-

First time next week is 12:03 and we have four together. Starters office now opens 07:15.
Time bookers for next week are S Brownlow; D Ellis; E Murray, N Rayner and me.
Our commiserations go to big Al, who in trying to get his hands on a bottle of wine, fell off the chair and dislocated his shoulder. To make matters worse, he was stuck on the floor for 40 mins before the ambulance arrived, then when he gets to hospital, it takes four or five attempts to put it back. Ouch!!! It is also understood that, as a result, he really does have a chip on his shoulder. Speedy recovery Big Man, the place will quieter without you.
A dry, but cold day with a bit of wind on Darley, with temporary "pin" positions. Margaret has been instructed that this the correct term to use. Bloody right, what surrounds the flags could never be mistaken for "green".
Anyway, Ross takes the money with 36 points, but Brownlow forges ahead at the top of the league. Catch him if you can.
At one stage, it looked like it would be three four balls, but then having just completed the draw Charlie turns up. Ignores the ever so polite suggestions to f*** off, so we have a four and three three's. Brian Mac and Wrighty are stuck with me and after a sedate start, the crack starts to build progressively and I forgot to take some paper to keep note of the stories and one liners. Another great afternoon, thanks. No particular candidate for shot of the day, but Brian's reactions to his birdies was fun to watch. After his exploits of the previous week, Brian obviously expects that birdies are something of a right, because when the first one went in, there was no big celebration, just a grin and polite acknowledgement. Now, getting one birdie is fine for us mortals, but there was a modicum of excitement when the second one came along and by the time that a wriggling 8 footer down the slope on the 16th found the hole for two, it was time to celebrate properly. Well done Brian, great fun. Dublin is on full alert this week, Wrighty is on the way!

Lily's column

Just a small one ! 3rd March
Don't really have time again this week folks,but felt I should make the effort seeing as I took the kitty .
Our three ball was Mark Mayo-Man Norman, Rev MacGruer,and Myself. Stakes? £1,£1,and £3 based on real handicaps/stableford.
Have to say,I romped away with the cash pretty much from first hole ! Winter greens are always a bit of a strength for Lilly...the old 6 iron comes into it's own. Off the tee ,with a hardly any aberrations,I was at least reasonable,and at best Awesome!!!!!!.
Hilites? Lovely birdie for Lil on 8th hole.
Lo-lites....popped it into bunker on left of ninth,but was pleased to see it GUR,took a drop out,feeling smug,and promptly putted it back in again ......Wally (I blame the whisky on 9th tee....but thanks anyway Ian)
Short 16th : All three of us did superbe tee shots to 6 ft (Ian),4ft (Mark) and 2 ft (Ross):
Ian shaved it passed....did this all day. Mark converted his for a two. Lilly,did the most "woosy" tap and it was short and low of hole...what a waste!....probably my only crap putt of the day!
Mayo man did get another Birdie....oh aye ,he had the cheek to claim 20p for a three on the 15th hole......it was only about 180 yds long !!!
Most impressed by Ian's anger management...not a single example of caber tossing all after-noon...and if you'd seen some of his duck hook drives you might have expected a few fireworks but not a spark.
So,'fraid that's all,£5 from each of them,and a nice kitty as well.....seeing as my mind was elsewhere,having had a difficult week, I'm gob-smacked I got 36 pts (inc a 4 stroke reduction courtesy of Head Nooner).....who took some pleasure in administering a further cut of two...taking me to 8...never mind ,it's March and the Summer League is just around the corner.....watch out Tam...I'm out to reclaim my crown !
All the best
Lilly

Nooner's News - 28/2/2006

Fabian Brownlow won £5.50 from the medal, make sure and pick it up. DP gives us his version of events:-

We have five slots but the start times are getting later, first time next week is 12:30.
Time bookers are S Brownlow; D Ellis; B MacDonald; R McInnes and Mr Reliable.
Ian MacGruer managed the best of both worlds last week, got out early, got round and then made it to Murrayfield in time for the game. Steve Brownlow thought his world had caved in when he won the kitty with 36 points to be cut by 2, but MacGruer saved half his neck by also getting 36 points (and gets his first reduction of the winter). The top end of the league is getting interesting.
More mundane matters. When the cards were drawn for once I was not drawn with Ross. (Who said it would make no difference to any commentary, since you would not have known we were describing the same game anyway.) Anyway, it Brian Mac, Eric, George and me out front, and one of the most entertaining afternoons ever. If it wasn't George trying to wind up Eric (and failing) it was Brian trying to wind up anyone and towards the end George. I wish that I had taken notes or been able to record the proceedings, I was laughing too much to remember the really good ones. It didn't stop at the 18th either. Going home to watch the rugby would give me a chance to have a rest. Thanks guys, great fun.
Couple of candidates for shot of the day. Both belong to Brian. First after battling our way to the 6th we turn onto the 7th, not much in the game, a variety of drives had the hole well covered from a security point of view, Brian the only one on fairway. Yours truly give the left rough a thorough inspection before reaching the green to find Brian and Eric on the dance floor in regulation, Brian only 8-10 ft away. Eric goes first, gets his par or as Eric put it "Five net four, boys!!". Brian steps up drains his put, dead centre, punches the air and heads off on a lap of the green to celebrate, to which George pipes up "Four net three, boys!!".
The next candidate emerged on the 16th. A variety of strategies taken to get near the green, heather, sand and grass all came into play at some point. George is short of the green and Brian is some 20 yards further back. (It should be noted that on the 12 th hole George's ball had hit Brian's at the side of the green). Brian steps up with trusty putter and give his ball a hefty swipe. Dead on line, for George's ball. The accuracy was impressive, it hit dead centre. I reckon that if you tried to do it you'd never do it.
Great day, thanks again boys.

Nooner's News - 21/2/2006

A.G.M.

Thanks to all who came along to the AGM, good to see a few Nooners there. It seems this year things might come to a head with regards block bookings and allocations of times, could be very interesting, but I don't really want to be at the healm when the club falls on its arse for trying to be bigger than it is.

As to the golf:

DP gives us his version of events:-

First time next week is 11:55. Time bookers are C Birrell, S Brownlow, D Ellis, I MacGruer and N Rayner.
Good turn out on Saturday, with four groups out. Managed to end Ross' s unbeaten run, although I think he did it himself rather than anything great that Nigel or I did. Suspect he might blame Alex MacGruer.
Big Al won the money after a 3 week break, with 36 points, which to some could have been significantly higher. George (playing in the same group) has 22 points to the turn and blames Brian Mac for only scoring 8 coming home!
A couple of candidates for shot of the week. Do not know what Ross had for breakfast on Saturday, but it certainly put strength to his putting. I don't think any put was short of the hole, lots were a long way past and several lipped out. It is two of these that, to me, rate a mention. Having decided to play for money, instead of the usual food and drinks, we reach the 9th all square and £2 riding on the hole. For once, I manage to stick one on the green ( a shot of rare beauty, for me), everyone else is left of the green. Recalling his feat from 2 weeks ago, modesty MacKillop suggests that he might have to chip in again to win the hole. The bunker between him and the hole rule this option out. Ross manages to chip the ball onto the new turf around the bunker, which slowed it down enough to just keep it on the green (the "Sahara" bunker was beckoning) about 12+ feet from the hole. I'm still inside him in one, so he needs to sink the put to have a chance of a half or better (well it was me putting, so anything was possible). True to form for the day, Ross was not going to be short, gives the ball a mighty whack. For one second, you get this sinking feeling that the "bastard has done it", but no, the ball strikes the back of the hole, jumps up in the air and lands beside the hole. The sympathy was flowing freely as I managed to win the hole with par, honest.
The day did not get much better, and from there we managed to win the next four holes to take a commanding lead in the match. We get to the 14th dormie, Ross and Alex in good position after two. Ross sticks his third pin high 4 or 5 feet from the hole. Nigel and I are struggling a bit, but manage a six. Now it's Ross's turn, another fine looking put across the green, looking a certainty to drop for the hole and prolong the match. But, oh dear, the ball performs the most elegant of rolls around the edge of the hole and heads off down the slope at a great rate to finish some 12-15 feet away. Cruel I know, two more puts and the game is over, what a shame.
PS. They did not win the bye either. Competition for our "normal" tee times is getting worse. Steve Brownlow was in the queue at 07:20 last week and only got 11:49, the rest of us follow on from there.

Lily's column

Darley Dumplins:

Forecast was great.....but it started to rain for first couple of holes! But,then,a lovely day appeared for the rest of the round.
First 4 Ball
Lilly + Alex MacG Vs Head Nooner + Nigel
Think I've been in Head Nooners company several times of late? And think I've won several times as well....both playing with and against !
New stakes were agreed as £2 front nine,£2 back nine,and £1 on whole match with winners of match paying for drink and pay for your own food !
Some discussion on this topic on The Forum.
First Blood goes to Lilly with a nice par on second thanks to a putt from off green to 12 inches.
Third Hole: Alex hooks one off tee towards burn at 15th Hole....someone playing the 15th replaces Alex 's ball on down-slope of the burn but sitting up enough to tempt the young gentleman to play it!....he proceeds to shank it into the burn of course! I half the hole.
4th Hole: Nigel's tee shot blasts left and scares the shit out of two folk putting on 14th green...our urgent screams of "Fore !!!!!" certainly got their bowels moving,although from the pin position on 14th they must have been pretty nervous already...but more of that later!
I give my partner a boost by suggesting it's time he got his finger out and he obliges with a three.
Dave P has good attempt at a two...but fails ..half
5th Hole: We all clear the Canyon and I'm sitting in perfect position well down the fairway and stroking....a nice wee 7 iron is all that's required to front edge for an easy 5.......but I pull the 7 iron into gorse on left....Alex blasts his into trees short and right...Head Nooner flukes his second over bushes on left and it somehow stops 4 ft short of bunker!...jammy git....we loose hole..all square.
The greens appear to be running faster for me than anyone else we observe!...as I'm certainly not wimping my putts !
6th Hole: Dave P looses his ball and We wave the 2 ball behind through. Quite unusual for Head Nooner to loose a ball.....one of the best ball spotters I know! Still he gets his N/R in,but bloody Nigel decides to play again and they half hole after my form starts to desert me.
8th Hole: my form is seen running off the course....come back,come back...but no..it's off ! The Driving is good,but everything else has gone to cock! And Alex? Think he needs another severe talking to !
9th Tee: Match is all square,so it's £2 on next hole.
Head Nooner creams tee shot to 8ft. Nigel way left. Ross pulls his a tad left as well. I remind Alex of the importance of his shot......and he yanks it even further left !
I remind head-nooner of my hole in two of a few weeks ago just to unsettle him.
Alex and Nigel contrive to bollox up the hole. I put my second to 15ft past hole (again)...but I line up my putt,mutter the words "don't be short",and it's going straight into hole.......at 20mph !....it hits back of hole dead cenre,stoats up in air and lands one inch from bloody hole!!!!! Bugger..... Powell smirking away gets the par to go one up at the turn !
The rest of the round was a gruelling test of patience/humour......good banter but pretty crap golf from Me+Alex....we loose10th,11th,....I'm putting for a par on 12th,and walk off with a seven !!!! (as did Alex) and we loose hole to a six. Talk about a defining moment?....4 down...and we lost 12 th as well 5 down..
Think we scraped a half on 13th ?
So, Dormie Five on 14th tee.....this is it Alex.....Powell +Raynor wobble their drives and Ross+Alex cream theirs up the middle. I pap a seven iron to just short of river.
Powell +Raynor hack their miserable way to just off green in four. Ross does his best chip of day to 4 ft ......majestic it was. I have this cross slope putt to win hole and keep match alive......would you believe at 5 up Nigel is still casting his shadow to put me off??????
I focus my attention like the true pro I am....and it some how squeezes past hole (which is ridge of mountain slope!) and it rolls down slope to 15 ft away!!!! Powell + Raynor pee themselves in an immature manner....and i'm not sure I didn't see my partner smile a bit as well?? Game over
Back nine can still be saved though.....but not for long!
So,three holes left for "the bye"....a£1 is agreed and Alex wins 16th....wankers win 17th.
I am in pole position on 18th just off green in 3 and have 2 putts to win it.....I 4 putt for the fourth time today...we half hole!
I have Seven points on back nine ! Alex has about 8 points !
We did find 6 balls on 18th fairway though??????
So,a royal rodgering,which I'm still a bit shell-shocked from! Don't thin I did a bad drive all day either.....however,I'll be back.
Despite the result a good day was had and that's what it's all about...get 'em in guys !
See ya
Lilly The Putter

Nooner's News - 13/2/2006

A.G.M. - This week 7 p.m. in the bunker!

Remember the A.G.M. this week, 7 for 7.30 in the bunker this Wednesday. If you don't complain this week then you never get a chance to complain all year!

DP gives us his version of events:-

Competition for our "normal" tee times is getting worse. Steve Brownlow was in the queue at 07:20 last week and only got 11:49, the rest of us follow on from there.
Time bookers for next week are S Brownlow, B MacDonald, R McInnes, R MacKillop and me.
A not very nice looking day at the start, got worse. Strong wind and driving rain had me wondering how long before I joined some of the others on the course and walk in. But when you have the honour of being drawn with Lilly, Brian Mac and Mark, how could you not enjoy getting wet and drubbed. But just to prove that all of the lunatics are in the asylum, eleven went out. No doubt Ross will tell all, but just in case he loses his memory, he won the four ball, the kitty and to add to the smug look on his face, did not get cut!!! He really knows how to spoil an afternoon.
Not satisfied with taking the money etc he must surely walk away with the shot of the day. Stirred by Mark's aim on the 11th tee to come out of the loop all square (we were only three or four down!), Ross pounds his drive towards the bunker but, unfortunately (we thought), pulls up 10 yards short. When we get there, Ross is wishing that he had gone in, it was GUR. Undaunted, Ross readies himself with the trusty fairway wood and cracks the ball straight into the face of the bunker, which being new and wet, embedded itself firmly and securely a couple of feet from the top. Pity it was GUR, would have loved to see him try and hit that one.
The rest I will leave to smug git to relate!

Lily's column

Lilly's Column; 11th Feb

The sun shines on the righteous did I say?.....well some of you must have been really bad last week!...Wet,Windy,Cold driving rain...stingy-stingy on the old visage...got the picture?.....but eleven of us still went for it...and managed all 18 holes unlike the wiser folk who either didn't start at all,or walked in ! Glad to report that all nooners who started returned safely though.
You know ,I always think that playing in adverse conditions brings out the true golfers amongst us ,don't you? The ability to score well and keep your "pecker up " when all around you are drooping...or was that "dripping "? But more of that later!
First 4 ball:
Ross+Brian Mac D Vs Dave P + Mark N
Bit short of time this week guys,and don't actually have a lot to report...unless it comes back to me as I type...so could be a short one this week....I blame the cold! Didn't notice many folk using the Lochgreen toilets this week......although Steve said his inside trousers were wet????...I suppose it would warm up your legs a bit Steve?...Enough....to golf!
1st Hole: sees Head Nooner get a safe 5...but Brian gets his 6 net 5 for half
2nd /3rd/4th/5th....straight into driven stinging rain.....yuch! However, lil is playing rather well..starting 6,6,6 ,5,5,4...which,when coupled with Brians strokes, in these conditions was good enough....think we were 3 up at this point? And it must have been 9th hole before Head Nooner and Mayo Man got a chance to tee off first?
Highlite after 9 holes was definitely the Glenmorangie on 10th tee though!
This inspired Ross to put tee shot to 8ft,but miss the two...still...4 Up as we head into the Loop.....some fighting talk from Mayo Man about being all square by the time we exit Loop...aye right big man..dream on!
11th Hole:...now ,you may hear an alternative version of this hole,but I know regular readers will be aware of the high journalistic principles I work to and will treat other versions as idle tittle-tattle!
After copious speech play on tee...much of it aimed MY way..and that includes from my partner !...I launch a suprbe drive down the middle,carefully placed to avoid the central bunker of course.....several well-wishers suggest it is actually IN the bunker,but Lil know s better....it lies nicely 10 ft short of sand...much to Oz git,Mayo Man and even Shrek Mac Donald's disgust?..I suggest that they should contemplate inserting something vertically inside their anatomies of course !
I take out my trusty 5 wood ,check out wind speed ,direction etc,and decide I will gently Pap one up the middle!...this of course I execute perfectly in almost every way...but ,while checking the sky for the perfect flight of my ball,the others are all heard pissing themselves ?????....I walk into bunker and with my sleeve rolled up like a true Dog Fiddler,insert my arm into the face of the bunker to retrieve my ball!!
Ha bloody ha.......however ,I still get last laugh over Head Nooner....bunker was GUR.....but we loose the hole...back to 3 up...which remains the score as we exit Loop ie 3 up 4 to play.
15th Hole: Shot Of Day from Dace Powell here. After indifferent tee shot short and right from Oz man,...Ross+ brian are both at back of green,and Mayo man is on 16th tee.....looks good Brian...lets put them to the sword!
Oz git does delightful chip to 2 ft and our putts have both been left short (4 ft Ross....10 ft Brian!)..Ross gets four,Oz miraculously sinks his for 3.....but Brians 4 gets the half due to his stroke! Dormie!
Brian +Ross screw up 16th..dormie 2
17th:...Ross gets 5 including bunker shot..Dave has 4 footer to save match....which squeezes past the lip...unlucky......game over.
Next shower starts and we scurry up 18 th post haste.
So,another Saturday golf is done...thank goodness......make mine a bowl of soup and a pot of tea please.
19th Hole:...having sorted out the papier mache cards we find my 32 pts is enough to lift the kitty......as I said earlier.....the true golfer will "out" in these conditions!!
All the best
Lilly (the outed !)
Was it wise to play in such weather....of course it was..now that it's over !

Nooner's News - 6/2/2006

Enjoy, we've got loads this week:

Last quote as vice captain:

- well, about to embark on my year of captaincy of St. Meddans, make sure and come along to the A.G.M. next Wednesday (15th) and have a say in the running of the club. I'm hoping for nothing contentious. It's going to be a year of transition with Graeme Hope leaving the secretary's post but I have a good feeling about our new secretary.

My main objective for the year is to retain the Hugh McKibbon trophy or at least to have fun trying, serious golf is not for me as I'm known to have a bit of a termperament!!

Let's just hope that the coming season is good to the Nooners!

DP gives us a full report, enjoy! :-

Times are split again next week. Not sure what time Eric got but probably around 11:30 with the others around 12:00. Seems everyone wants to play at the same time and Jim Pennington indicated that they will be also looking for later times.
Time bookers next week are S Brownlow, B Collier, D Ellis, Mr Reliable and me.
With the early birds out in the 11:30 slot the rest of us slotted in 30 mins later. Unfortunately, we were behind Mummy bear, Daddy bear and baby bear who took forever to clear the mounds on the first and seemed to be incapable of seeing where their balls were going. So Charlie B is wound up before hitting a ball. After I don't know how many shots and practice swings the three bears move forwards. Wrighty steps up, takes aim and with a nice lazy swing sends his drive bouncing nicely past Mummy bear. Much gesticulating and arm waving and it's only the first hole!
Anyway, we are all under way, Browncow and Wrighty vs Roebuck and me. An interesting afternoon in prospect. Managed to get a half at the first with Pete's 5, but on the second Pete started to pack his bags for a wee walkabout. Bunker off the tee, out in one, decided to test another bunker up the left, closely followed by Browncow. Within inches of each other! Pete walks off with a 6 and apart from meeting up on the tee and eventually at the green, for the next nine or ten holes, not much is seen or heard of him and 8 points to the turn was looking a little bit grim. Somehow, we managed to get to two up after 11, which I thought was only one. But that is another story, and I don't want to give Wrighty too much enjoyment from his own slagging.
Wrighty will claim his tee shot on the 12th as a good candidate for shot of the day. Ten feet from the flag, which despatched for his two. But the stronger candidates to me were on the preceding hole. Yours truly, reasonably positioned after two, plenty of room to reach the flag, so stuffs it into the bunker. Wrighty's second is just in front of the bunker, (I'm sure I did not say NITBY, I'm not like that). So Wrighty steps up to his ball and thins it, just clears the top of the bunker, (damn, methinks), clears the green, and comes to rest the other side of the 12 fairway.
The other contender was Peter's tee shot at the 7th. Having negotiated our way through the three bears going up the 6th, Pete proceeds to hit a low raking hook just above ground level over the yellow tee towards the 6th green. How it missed Mummy bear I do not know, but she must have been worried, since not long before that he had almost put his tee shot through her legs as she walked down the fairway. Funny how they seemed to disappear after that.
After his two at the 12th, smug git Wrighty announces that he just might have to sink this 30 ft put to get back to all square. You can imagine the ever so polite applause and sincere well wishes to his parents when he duly did so! All the cheery banter must have had an effect on Peter, as he decided to join the game after exploring the Darley wilderness, and with a run of 13 points in five holes puts the impostors to sword. Well worth the birdie money Pete.

Lily's column

Lilly's Column 4th Feb.

Yet again,the sun is out,it's mild ,so what more could we ask for? Well ,I suppose 5 times together would be nice,but let's not be churlish !
We had one early time at 11:28 with the rest being at 12:00 onwards.
As there only seemed to be the 4 of us ready at 11:28,we took our place on the 1st tee(although Bills C+G did appear and were offered a draw by Reverend MacGruer which they refused)
So, it's Ross+Steve Aird Vs Ian +Alex Macgruers
So,time to blast off. Steve decides to welly his as if trying to reach the green in one !.a real howler results from his high speed swing and the ball goes 50 yds while Steve tries to un-tie his arms from his neck as he pirouettes around first tee ! Oh dear thinks Ross....I've got a right one today.
Ross does decent shot which avoids left bunker and stops on the hump.
Father+Son launch excellent drives up middle...especially son...who claims not to have played for weeks/months...looks like we've got a game on our hands Stevey boy!
However ,Alex in attempting to reach green with second,tops it badly and Ian plops his 3rd into bunker.....Lil walks off with a safe 5 to win hole.
What a fine mild day it is...quite Spring like really...and even the birds are twittering.
2nd Hole: Steve +Ross safely up middle.....Alex tries to copy his tee shot at first...and duffs it 50 yds.....Ian heads for left bunker but somehow leaves it poised on lip on far side of it....interesting stance but he plays it well. Lil's second is a 7 iron a wee bit right of green....which I fail to find......N/R grrrrrrr. So,relying on Steve,...we loose hole due to young Alex sinking huge par putt ...all square.
We find my ball on way to 3rd tee....beyond the path....another medal bites the dust,so I'll just focus on the Big Game.
3rd:.....A good Birdie for Ross wins hole...one up
4th: A fine 8 iron from yours truly to 12 ft,but only yields a par and a half in game.
I point out to my partner that although my back is much better,I could really do with not having to carry him ALL the way !
5th : Steve launches a low one which clips bushes but sneaks onto short grass.Ross in good position left edge. Ian left but short of bushes.......and Alex....a fine Top-spin drive which dips straight into the Grand Canyon !
Shot of the Year coming up.(The Sublime)
Ian decides to go for green,over the bushes/trees etc. Looked like a 3 wood...a lovely slow swing with a bit of draw...it clears the crap and lands on green to 12 ft from pin......a shot of real class....think we even got a smile from The Rev himself ......he gets his par 4.
Lil paps a seven iron safe to short of green,a wee chip to 5 ft and single putt for par 4 as well.......net 3.......2 up ! (it's a cruel world)
6th : Rev MacG decides to avoid pedestrian on right of fairway...and hooks it way left....not happy ....Steve decides to join the game and we win hole..3 up.
7th: Rev Jolly looses ball with his second. Alex sneaks par....but Lil wins by using his stroke....just not your day boys...4 up
8th: Half?
9th:.....another good tee shot from Rev MacGruer to 10ft and he sinks putt for a two and they win hole....back to 3 up....and some fighting talk from The Choochters ! Ross has 18 pts.
10th: B.S.O.D. from Stevey.....a wild slice off tee goes OVER the burn and lands on eleventh fairway !!.first time I've seen that !...it's ok Steve I'll get the par for half !
11th:..4 good Drives,and Alex plonks a long 6 iron onto green with his second and the par is good enough to win hole ..back to 2 up .....getting closer.
12th Rev's 3 iron looks like it's on green. Ross pulls 5 iron a bit left...Steve gets 'phone call from Cockenzie Power Station saying they're off line and can he help? Hope he can help them ,cos he's not been much bloody help to me !!! Anyway,this is a defining moment in the match....Rev Jolly is sitting behind a tuffet off back of green,and walks off with a 4....Ross does the old 6 iron chip n run and gets his par 3...back to 3 up.
13th: From the Sublime to ???????????
Ian hooks Drive badly....club flies through the air 20ft....he then picks up a large branch and does a fine imitation of Basil Fawlty by giving his golf-bag a good thrashing!

Think we won hole?..4 up again
14th : Ian should have found bunker on left.....but they've filled it in !!!!!! wots going on?...they are seriously destroying this golf course!.Both MacGruers go for green with seconds and they win hole....back to 3.
15th:....I screw up big time and pick up ! Steve halfs hole....Dormie 3
16th: Rev Jolly gets nice 3.....Lil is off to left.....time for a wee chip n run?.....yep,it stops 3ft from hole but a nasty down hill putt.......I give it a good bash and thankfully it hits back of cup and stays in !!!!..Game Over.
The Bye:....Alex wins 17th,but gets 10 on 18th cos lost 2 balls.
Ian has 8ft putt for birdie on 18th....but leaves it 7ft short !!!!!!
A good match though which and we always felt they would come back at us.
Street lights not on yet?.....guess they've run out of electricity....best get the Power Station on line quick Steve
See you next week for Monthly Medal
Lil

Nooner's News - 31/1/2006

Action packed, with shots of day too!

DP says:-

Times are all over the place next week, not sure what Gerry got, but it was after 11:30 and the rest are 12:10 onwards. Competition for times is getting harder every week and it is mid-winter.

Time bookers for next week are: S Brownlow; I MacGruer; R McInnes; E Murray; and Mr Reliable.
Robert McInnes was advised by Wrighty on Friday night, to take care and protect his handicap for last two months of the Winter League. So what does he do? Not content to just win the kitty and get by two, let's do a proper job and score 40 points as well. Well it's only another stroke! Well done Robert, at least it tops the league.
Must be a few candidates for "shot" of the day. Just ask Robin how his ball managed to hit the shelter behind the 13th green. What do you mean you did not know there was one? It's usually covered by weeds and thistles.
Then there was Gerry's tee shot of the 17th, scuffed 50 yards into the left rough, (coming off a birdie on 16, ABFU coming up), but walked of the green with par. Ian MacGruer on the other hand, hits towering tee shot into foot marks in left fairway bunker, can only go sideways and walks off with a six. We won't talk about my putting, but if there was a prize for the number of three puts in a round I would have it. Less than impressive to say the least.

Lily's column

Lilly's Column: 28th Jan.

Well,last weeks column generated lots of positive comments,so thanks for that ....much appreciated. Sometimes it just flows..and sometimes it doesn't...bit like Robins putting really...but more of that later ! (is that the "put-put-put" of a moped I hear?)
So,another Saturday,another days golf with the Nooners,and the f/cast is for blue sky and sunshine...what else? And,you know the sky was blue...and yet it tried to rain? However,not enough to cause a problem and off we go.
By the time some of us got parked and got the shuttle bus back to starters office,some of us had missed the first check in time and had to get put on the stand-by slots!...Big Elsie pulled a stunt about had to get away sharp and bribed the starters for an early take off, and was joined by his stewardesses of course those renowned card pocklers messrs Murray +,Raynor,plus the innocent 4th baggage handler/Troll Mcinnes (possibly more of him later as well )
This left 7 of us waiting at the gate,wondering where Head Nooner was,but a 4 ball was duly drawn...which included my good self...and then the usual late arrivals,Birrell +Browncow....this meant three 3 balls and some outrageous behaviour ensued with a complete re-draw being proposed and accepted by the slim(?) majority!!! But all is not lost....Head Nooner rolls into view in car park(making the group up to 10 now)...back to original 4 balls then? says Lil?....F*** off is heard!
And Powell is seen leaving the car park and heads off towards Dundonald in his Volvo....oh,he's parked at 18th tee on Darley!
Anyway,after much banter/abuse/dolls being thrown out the pram (makes a change from putters I guess) Gerry suggests original 4 ball goes next as the runway is clear for take off....and the next game is
Robin +Ned Guthrie Vs Mark +Lil
First take off is Robin who hooks into hump at left of rough (100yds)..Ned makes loud quacking noise .Robin says it's ok cos he'll still get his 5....Lil says £1 you don't..and the bet is accepted. He smacks his second out of rough and into heart of fairway (170 yds to go) and follows this with a lovely shot to green 12 ft from pin,lags his putt to 2 ft and sinks it for easy 5 !...Lil also gets 5 but is £1 down to Ex Tax-Man...I guess taking money off folk is a habit it's hard to break!
2nd Hole: Lil slices drive into rushes,reloads and the provisional (Titleist Pro V) is safe enough up left edge.....after extended search (sorry about that to game behind) I play original ball ok but some toe-rag has obviously played my Pro V grrrr. Anyway,after a superbe 3rd to green I get half.
3rd Hole: Robin melts his Drive straight up middle,pushes his second to right of greenside bunker and gives himself much verbal abuse (saved me the bother),he then does the sweetest wee chip onto green and into the hole for Eagle.....lovely shot old chap......can't hide class....1 down.
Ross has serious whinge that I'm now £1:40p down to Robin Bastard.
4th Hole: All four of us on green in two......halfed
5th: We use our stroke well to win...all square
6th: Mark launches tee shot at 7th tee which must have woken up game in front! Half. Robins tee shot was DIRE...just made it off tee..I offer him £1 he fails to get a par...and he sportingly accepts the bet...and gets a Four. 40p down now!
7th : Ross wins with steady par..1 up (I find £1 coin on fairway! That's me 60p up now Robin...Financial Advisor ?????)
8th: Ross has 25 ft up hill,cross-slope putt.....in the can for birdie...2 up and 80p up now!!
9th Hole:...Has Mark ever mentioned Mayonaisse to us before?...somebody has,but,it's worth asking him about it sometime when there's a lull in the conversation! Think Ned Nooner wins this hole due to his incredibly high handicap!His 3rd shot chip to green to 3 ft was impressive though.
Robin's putting is becoming a source of much amusement to Mark+Ross...he's leaving everything short.....his only way of sinking the ball appears to be to chip in or to 12 inches!
10th Tee: Rusty nails are enjoyed....mmmmm loverly. Anyone see Nigels new blue Chappeau?...another fashion Icon is born.
Ross has 19pts best for a while..in fact we ALL have good points and are enjoying a close match...we all screw up 10th hole...it's a tradition.We screw up less though. 3 up.
11th Hole: Robin 's bunker shot for his third is a gem to 2ft to salvage par.
12th Hole: Robin blasts his Drive into tree on right and it lands in a waste land of grass clippings and dead twigs etc.....brings out his old rule book from 1845 and claims relief???? Which we grant him!...I offer him £1 he doesn't get 5 again...he accepts again but duffs his second shot...£2 on six?...nah....that's me £1:80p up?
George sneaks half though.
13th: Fine Hook George.
Robin blasts his second into the same bunker as at 11th !!!! just cos he played it well once he tries to do it again !!!...no chance
14th Drive of the day by Ex Tax-Man a long draw round the corner leaving a short chip...which he thins through the back......some frustration shown here and it's Dormie 4 to the Good Guys
15th Ned pro-longs the agony with a nice par 3..dormie 3
16th Steady par is good enough to half hole and to shake hands.
£1 on the bye?....naturally which the good guys win again....easy money!
Marks approach to 18th green worthy of a mention.....Shank Of The Day to 1st tee!!
19th Hole: The Masked Troll takes our hard earned cash with 41 pts...who invited him anyway? Get the bloody chips in,and make mine a glass of red !
Another fantastic day...the old back ache is slowly getting easier..can't remember even half the banter though.
Some comments that the game behind hadn't teed off when we had left the 18th green?......once upon a time that would cost you a drink?
See you at Darley Terminal next week and bring the sick bags....some turbulence can be expected !
Lilly The Pink

Nooner's News - 23/1/2006

Lilly column only this week

I'm disappearing off-line for the back end of this week, David will update the time bookers and gubbins on the forum, but I've got a uni assignment to do and also www.toughguy.co.uk to take part in this week. It's gonna be muddy and tough all in one week, don't know if this study is too much for me!

Lily's column

Lilly's Column: 21st Jan.

Broke Back Darley
Yet again Saturday is a fine day,when it's been hissing it down all week! How lucky are we ?
Before going into the golf,I feel I really have to draw your attention to George's outfit when he was down booking a time for next week. Nigel,Brian,Steve and myself were wondering where George was as we'd seen his car in the car park,when we finally realised that the guy with the Trainers,Nike Trackie bottoms,hooded sweat shirt,and Baseball Cap further up the queue was actually non other than GeorgeGuthrie..dressed in full NED outfit !!!!!or is it "Chav" now?
So, we now have a Head Nooner and a NED Nooner !!!!
17 Nooners this week so two 4 balls and three 3 balls. Ned gets "pulled" first but volunteers to go out last as Gerry may be late..seems Gerry's swopping the Masseratti cos the ashtray is full and he fancies getting a Vauxhall Nova ? That's the impact of a £4 kitty and 20p birdies on Gerry's bank balance folks!
I eventually get drawn in the first group (having put back Gerry's,David Ellis and Neds cards !!!) and it's
Head Nooner +Lilly Vs Steve Aird + Brian Mac.
Ned realises that the Nova in the car park is actually Gerry and desperately tries to assert his right to revert to first group: and this suggestion is duly given the consideration and debate it deserves...."piss off ya wee Ned " was the final outcome though.
Lilly has had a dodgy back all week and the Doc said best to avoid playing golf for a week or so....Head Nooner says that should be easy enough...he's never seen me play golf in all the years he's known me !...and that's my partner talking!
I've popped a "voltorol" tablet and it's far too nice a day not to play golf isn't it...besides ,what else would I do?
To the tee men,enough of this chit chat..we have work to do.
1st Hole halfed due to Brian missing 12 inch putt..phew.
2nd Hole; We go 1 down
3rd Hole: Steve drives onto green ..just love to show off in front a crowd don't you?
2 Down !
4th Hole: Dave and myself are in pole position with 6 ft putts for par..until young whipper-snapper (not you Brian) rams in a 25 ft putt for par and me and Dave miss ours
3 Down !..hmmm ,not going to plan Dave!
5th Hole:( Always one to sort out the sheep from the goats)
Steve hooks his 2nd into tree on left and fluffs about for several shots,Brian hacks his way up,slowly,munching grass and bleating away about state of golf course meanwhile I majestically chip my third to 3 ft (walk off with 5 though as does David)
So the goats win the hole...get yer legs in our wellies sheep ,we're a coming to get you.
6th Hole; Lilly puts his Drive where the bunker on the left isn't anymore as does David. Brian hits a decent drive which is fading nicely....it's heading for sand Brian says Lil.... nah it's miles passed says Big Sheep Mac....plop ! it's in the sand !!!!
"You Bastard ! You talked that in " utters Brian...much mirth all round(well,2 of us anyway):
Steve drives out of bounds,reloads,repeats process....decides to N/R.
I put my second OOB..and N/R as well.
Lilly resorts to more pain killers for back,but David puts his 3rd to 5 ft and wins hole with a 5 (saved having to pay for birdie as well)
Back to one down...after 6 holes I have six points!Dave could be getting a sore back soon at this rate.
7th Hole : Lilly putting for birdie..walk off with Bogey.David ,putting from off green,for three...batters it so hard it's going to go off otherside....but it somehow hits the back of hole ,bounces up in air 2 ft and stops 6 inches from hole to geta winning par 4....ALL SQUARE CHAPS
8th Hole: Lilly makes a par ! 1 Up
9th Tee: Lilly resists a wee malt....I've got enough chemicals in my body already today....Brian suggests a drug test, but Dave says a DOPE test would be more appropriate!..my ever supportive partner again.
I suggest my tee shot is like Andrex loo Role...long +strong ....Dave agrees adding that it's smeared with Sh*** !
Brian says his tee shot to front of green is an Andrex Puppy shot....ever so cute !
So,I'm 20 ft to left of green on a bare lie and a slope across my route to hole..for once I decide to take putter..I give it a hard bash...it hits a rabbit scrape and stoats 4 ft in air...hits the slope at edge of green and bobbles it's way ..straight into the hole for a two!! Brian narrowly misses his second and sinks his third....he seemed ever so ungrateful when I congratulated him on his par though???????
2 up.
We never really looked back from here....and we shake hands on 14th green.funny old game as they say.
Bit of debate about "the bye"....I still don't know if we played for £1,or 50p or 25p.
Suffice to say we halfed the bye so it was irrelevant really!
Another great day...what do Doctors know anyway....look at the state of some of the ex-nooners Doctors !
19th Hole:
Nigel takes the cash with a good 36 pts..(already cut by 3 )
The Eagle he got on 3rd helped I guess...Congratulations Nige..make mine a red wine please.... See you next week
Lilly
Ps Hope you enjoyed the Cute Cowboys Brian....loved the lemon yellow jumper by the way!

Nooner's News - 16/1/2006
	Other News Shot of the Day Not much to report.
Lilly column and DP's musings... Here we go, stories all round this week. First up folks, Ross informs me that after a collection that you folks want to give me a gift of my choosing, what can I say... many thanks. Cycling / Triathlon is one of sports that is oddly even more equipment centric than golf, at least with golf your desires are capped looking at drivers of £500 or sets of irons at £1500. With cycling you could easily spend £3k and still not get a bell or a kickstand, obviously important additions. I'll put your gift to some tyres for my mountain bike (as they need replaced after a screw through the rear one last week). David tells a brief story. Normal service is resumed. Managed to drag myself out on Saturday and another good turnout for what turned out a good day's golf (for some people anyway). George took the kitty with 39 points, it was 40, but reduced on a re-count. But not far behind were the likes of Robin and Charlie with 38 and 37 with a few 36's to boot as well. Needless to say, this has stirred the league table a bit. Bunny Brownlow sneaks to the top closely followed by Messers Birrell, Guthrie and McInnes. As my score will testify the round was not a great deal of fun, but watching Charlie and Stevie B slug it out was good to watch and the banter was also fun. Mind you there must be some question marks over Steven and me, since by the time we got to the 17th Charlie resorted to talking to himself for a bit. We have five times again next week starting at 11:28. Time bookers are S Brownlow, G Bunton, B MacDonald, R MacKillop and N Rayner. I would also like to say thank you to everyone for the malt and cigars. It was very kind and much appreciated, no excuse for having an empty flask now. Lily's column Lilly's Column: 14th Jan. A lovely morning with blue skies and sunshine which is a real treat after a wet n windy week..as they say,the sun does shine on the righteous ! 16 Nooners and we do the decent thing (and St. Meddans rule) and we break up the 4 balls to allow a fellow club member to get a game..Barry ? Nichol I think. I guess that's one of the great things about our club..it's about playing golf with fellow members...I'd hate the Nooners to be known as "non-inclusive" So, Two 4 balls and 3 three balls are agreed. I'm fortunate enough to get drawn in second 4 ball (no .I didn't do the draw !!!!) It's Robert McInnes + Lilly Vs Nigel + Gerry. Four good Drives at the first sets the tone for the day,although my short game lets me down here for once and I get a Seven. However,Robert halfs the hole with Gerry by using his stroke to full effect. My Drive at second is competing for BSOD (Bad Shot Of Day)..my new swing (thanks Charlie) came undone and I only just connected with the ball with the heel of Driver and it scoots off to left and Fullartons 16th green !!! Robert plays steadily enough again and he gets the par 5 to half with Nigel this time. I half with Gerry on 3rd hole and the match has that feel about it that it's going to be nip +tuck all day. 4th Hole.....another half ! 5th Hole......yawn...another half..greens a bit bumpy chaps?...some wee short ones being missed by us all,. 6th Hole. Let me talk you through this wonderful hole. Lilly takes his 5 wood and creams it into heart of green..25ft from pin. Nigel puts a well struck 5 iron to front edge 15ft from pin .Gerry is short and right and Robert is pin high left of green. With deft touches by all 3 of my colleagues,they all get par 3's....and Lilly? Nigel points out that pin is at top of a slope and my putt is dangerous....speech play has started in earnest)....so, I decide to lag it up to pin....and guess what?..it bobbles it's merry way right into centre of the hole..ya beezer!!! A wee two and the first blood of the day ! We all hack n sclaff our way up 7th hole and a half results..Gerry putting like the preverbial fart ! The farter with the Massarati continues to break wind at 8th as well for another scabby half. Robert wins 9th Hole again using stroke well. The 3 ball behind start gesticulating at us to "get a move on?" we respond with the traditional "one finger gesture" and play the par 3 . 11th hole:...we have to wait to play our second shots by the way ?????? and Lilly sneaks a par 4 net 3 to win the hole and we're sneaking ahead. On the subject of Pace?...the course is actually moving along quite well (after first few holes),the sun is still out,and we're 3 up...all's well with the world ! I sneak another birdie at 14th hole to finish off the match 6 and 4..a good rodgering. £1 on the bye chaps? Of course. 15th Hole: After a long wait and a gathering audience (and more layers of clothing) I note Charlies gesticulations to get a move on have ceased ! My New Swing Drive sails into the bunker on right..much to the delight of the crowd ! Roberts tee shot goes into front left bunker ! My second goes to within 10ft though. Gerry and Nigel are both short and left after tee shots...Gerry flops his second into front left bunker to join Robert..a wee smile from Lilly...Nigel then does the same..and lilly cannot contain his mirth any longer!! Superbe ! However,after a disgraceful display of putting by Ross and Robert (The Two R'sses as Dave P suggests !) Nigel wins hole by using his stroke...As they say ,he who laughs last etc . We all screw up 16th for the half. Gerry wins 17th with par and the bye is lost ! The call of bacon rolls motivates us to finish quickly before we freeze up and we complete the course in 4 hrs..not bad for a Saturday ! Roberts 36 pts not good enough to win kitty as that well known banditto El Guthrie waltzes in with 39 pts. Our "guest " player not in kitty...just as well ..he had 6 birdies apparently ! We present Head Nooner with a wee "Thank You " (better late than never) and he suggests one of the bottles will end up in his hip flask..as bunny Brownlow once said "we'll get it back one dram at a time " Cheers guys another fab day of scabby golf and good company See you next week on ra Darley Rossco
As ever, any content for the site should be sent to me on: webmonkey@nooners.co.uk. Or alternatively, please use the forum, it gives the Nooners an opportunity to chat or have discussions. I would like to see greater use to assess its usefulness.

Nooner's News - 5/1/2006
	Other News Shot of the Day Not much to report.
Another short report David just has a few musings: Apparently we had six time bookers last week but the first time is 11:25, not sure when the others are but somewhere in that area. A good turn out, with sixteen squeezing into three times slots. Steven Aird back after a couple of months, took the money with 36 points but Ian MacGruer and Mark Norman return to the top. In my absence we again have no names for booking this week, I will do one, so we need four more.
As ever, any content for the site should be sent to me on: webmonkey@nooners.co.uk. Or alternatively, please use the forum, it gives the Nooners an opportunity to chat or have discussions. I would like to see greater use to assess its usefulness.

Nooner's News - 27/12/2005
	Other News Shot of the Day Not much to report.
Lilly column It's all in Lilly's column this week. Lily's column Lills Christmas Column..24th Dec: Christmas Eve and what better way to start it than getting up early to book a time for next week? Yep, 5 cheery santas in the queue begging South Ayrshires very own Customer Care Elves for a decent golf time next week! Me+Wrighty decided to stay down at The Grotto (Bunker) to get breakfast and see if we could get an early time..and George joined us at 9 am..early time please?..no chance...no room at the inn boys ! So,fuelled by bacon rolls +tea...off to the Putting green for a wee contest of skill for an hour.10p per hole skins....40p to Lill and a £1 on the last hole which was halfed..still a good start and must have honed our putting for the real games to come. A fine morning,blue sky,sunshine, perfect ! (pity it was Darley though) Phil the friendly pixie even gave us an extra time so we got three ,4 balls out together..alls well with the world. I'm in the second group and it's Bunny Brownlow+Lilly vs Robin T +Nigel R. Robin tells us he hasn't played for 6 weeks..not sure what this has to do with anything,but he seemed keen to share the fact with us! I win the first hole with a well executed 5 which beat Robin thanks to him 3 putting. Ex Tax Man sneaks a birdie at third though to go square.(he did Drive the green) and I point out that he averaging 3 putts a hole still ! On the 4th I rescue my par despite being in trouble off tee...and you just know that it's going to be a close match. I play the difficult 5th by the text book ..on the green in three but I miss a 2 ft putt to loose the hole..grrrrr....bunny tries hard not to show his disappointment but you can tell by the way his ears are drooping that he is "not a happy bunny!" we go 1 down. Ross +Bunny are both playing well at same holes,and also cocking up together it seems! Wheras Ex Tax +Silent Night Raynor are dovetailing like a pair of reindeer on Viagra ! Silent Night Raynor do I hear you say?..well yes..it was one of those clear ,still days when sound travels a long way remember...Nigel refused to stoop to depths of speech play though..he didn't have to..he had brought his "one man band" outfit with him. With his Cymbals tied to his knees and his Bass drum on his back he would break into spontaneous music whenever we were driving or Putting....and when he put his organ into his mouth to give it a blow as well.....we were doomed ! However,Steve soldiered on as my form deserted me,and we were still in the game. Think there was only 2 holes halfed all day? Robins Driving was as ever immense,but thankfully his putting was dire as well ! A crucial hole was 15th (College) I've got a 15ft putt for parr and Robin has a 2footer for his parr..As I line up my putt,Nigel goes into full percussion with drums,cymbals,and tops it off with a sneeze just as Lill putts....but it goes straight into the hole.ya beauty....and Robin? Oh he missed his putt so we go back to1 down with three to play. Steve gets a lovely par 3 at 15th but Mr Investment Man Thompson flukes half. On 17th,Nigel sclaffs his second but somehow magics his third to within 2 ft of pin (The Big Jobby) to scrape half with my partners well deserved par. Dormie one ! 18th Hole: Jobby Man does the decent thing and decides he has cards to deliver to the good folk on Harling Drive..heh-heh..I put my third through the back of green and I'm out of it. Capitalist Swine is on green in 3 as is Steve B....Robin Moped Thompson (put-put-put-put) hands it to us on a plate and we end up all square and the best of pals. Another fantastic day with The Nooners. See you on Hogmany if not before Lill The Pink PS Think Robin paid for all food n drink and I for one forgot to pay my share..sorry old chap..will get it next week if you're there?
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Nooner's News - 20/12/2005
	Other News Shot of the Day Not much to report.
Brief highlights this week Merry Christmas everyone, hope you have a good one. In Saturday's Xmas competition Lilly managed to pick up one of the three vouchers on offer from the club, winning £10 to spend in a Troon pro shop at the municipal in Troon of his choosing... wonder where he'll spend it. Please note that there is a new forum facility on the Troon St. Meddans web-site, it is just a 6 month trial and I know that you don't use the one here that much, but at least keep an eye on it as with the impending departure of Graeme Hope there will need to be some changes in the club. It is an interesting (if slightly worrying) time for the admin of your golf club. David reports on the rest of the proceedings: Brownlow goes to the top of the league and gets cut, but George gets the kitty. The usual problem of split tee times. Did not get a score for Ian MacGruer either. Had the pleasure of Lilly's smug face all afternoon, even more so when he won the skins and then took a further £1 off me and Tam. Embarrassing to say the least!! Times are split again next week for those that will be allowed out, two from around 10:00 and three form 11:25. Time bookers are R McInnes, R MacKillop, A Payne, Mr Reliable and David Powell. I am proposing that we give the usual Xmas donation to the starters of £2 per head. Results in the results section.
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Nooner's News - 14/12/2005
	Other News Shot of the Day Not much to report.
Brief highlights this week DP wasn't there, but I can report that C Birrell became our first prizewinner who will have the Nooner chant at next year's prizegiving winning the December Monthly medal. Now whether that's worth the 2 shot cut or not I don't know. Results in the results section. Times next week are one at around 10:10, three from 11:25 and one at 11:50. Time bookers are: T Bala, C Birrell, S Brownlow, D Ellis and E Murray.
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Nooner's News - 13/12/2005
	Other News Shot of the Day Not much to report.
Lilly column and DP's musings... Shame it is a week late, but here is last week's news David tells a brief story. Three fourballs in the early group with another three in the late slot was a good turnout. Lochgreen on a reasonable day, so no excuse for not getting a score, which several people did. Peter Roebuck took the money with 38 points, but with Tam not out it gave Ian, Mark and Robert a chance to take the lead on 108 points. With the short days, there is a "no practice swing (or put) when it is your turn to play" rule being tried for December and January. Some people obliged and if nothing else, it felt faster. Particularly on the greens. My group still took four hours though, which was not a great improvement. Lily's column Lilly's Column:3rd Dec 05: Now that Andy is back to speed with his technology,I guess a few lines should be offered in the general spirit of things. A fine (unexpected) morning as 12 Nooners turned up for the 10:00 time slots. Steve B asked for the last slot as he was going to feed his face with fat and bread in the Bunker before the game ..no problem Steve..you'll be playing with Robert we assumed (Robert has a track record of being last out! And is starting to get suspicious?) So, as a ONE OFF we let Robert draw the cards,and guess what? He draws his own card first!!!!however,as he also pulls out Myself (and Charlie B/Bill G) all's well with the world. The balls in the air and it's Chas+Bill Vs Lilly +Robert. Any highlites?....Bill G hooks his first drive and continues to hook every drive thereafter,but he demonstrated a lovely Shank from 100 yds on first and popped it onto first on Fullarton.....as Paul Barton once said...when you've "shanked " once,you just know you're going to do it again!!!!! (a minor mis-quote) We half the first 4 holes and we're all playing well and a good match is on the cards...I win the 5th by good use of free stroke!,and we stride onto 6 th tee with a cocky swagger! As we walk off 8th green we are now Two Down !!!! (swaggering has turned into Staggering!) Robert 3 putts fro 12ft At the turn it's back to one down..Chas has 19pts as does Robert..(Captain "Hook" Gunn doesn't and neither do I) I take 4 to get out of bunker on 10th grrrrr The game continues to be Nip+Tuck and speech play is increasing. 14th Hole: Captain Hook does the usual and it sails into trees on left....lost ball if ever I saw one......he finds it just off fairway??????? Hmmmm...claims it's his ball and it must have bounced off a tree?..and not a mark on his ball either ! we remain two down! However, 15th Hole beckons and I cream a Drive 15 ft from pin and sink my putt for a well earned Two......back to one down. 16th Hole: Three of us get par 5's....(Cpt Hook doesn't!) 17th Hole Rob+Lill get our par 4's.......a so does bloody Birrell !!!! Dormie One on 18th tee: Good Drive Robert, Lilly (in attempting to "give it the Malky" skies it 100 yds only). Chas +Hooky tediously up fairway (yawn) Robert then prats about in rough up rhs,Lilly creams his second and third to just short of green....sclaffs his 4th though! Need to sink huge putt for par 5 and hope that Hooky 3 putts......wait for it......I blast my putt 6 ft past and sink return for a six.....and Bill takes 4 putts and we half the match !!!!! aye right !......he gets his par and we loose the match! Never mind,a sub 4 hr round,nice weather,and good banter......get the Chips in Robert. See you next week on Darley Lilly
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Nooner's News - 29/11/2005
	Other News Shot of the Day Not much to report.
DP takes money, no cuts anywhere! 32 points saw DP take the money and nobody got cut. Where was stormin' Ross MacKillop who was on the form of his life at the previous night's smoker / prizegiving I ask you? David tells a brief story. Only four times next week, three from 9:55 and another sometime later, possibly 11:30 ish. Time bookers are T Bala, B Collier, D Ellis, G Wright and me. Office opens 08:15. Have not got the scores from the late group Nigel and George were there but do not know who else. Have posted a message on the forum. In the front group, yours truly sneaked off with the kitty with a miserly 32 points. Which means, much to everyone's disgust, that I don't get cut. Much mumbling about changing of rules and special provisions etc. Never mind eh! From the scores it looks like some pretty good rubbish was being played on a chilly afternoon. At least we beat the rain.
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Nooner's News - 3/9/2005
	Other News Shot of the Day Not much to report.
Tam takes money again. Once again (as has been the tale of this summer), Tam took the money. David tells a brief story. Highlights of the day. Improving turnout. Wrighty managed to spoil a convenient set of four balls by turning up as we were about to tee off. (To be fair, we did have to persuade him to stay). Tam takes the money on a nice sunny day but difficult conditions, two under par (22 points) after nine holes it was looking ominous, but a bit of bad luck on a couple of holes saw this slip to two over (37 points) at the end and a miserly total of 5 birdies. Playing with Tam and Alex MacGruer was good fun, paricularly when Alex connects and puts it past Tam. Very enjoyable to watch as you try to get your second shot past their drives from half a mile back. Only four times next week starting at 11:28 and one of those was booked when people were checking. Should not be a problem with "Irish" trip away. Only have four bookers for this week, N Rayner, P Roebuck, G Wright and me. Should be enough but, if anyone feels they can book a fifth time then feel free. Monkey do's The monkey's weekend was one of those that makes you happy to be on this planet. Saturday a nice easy 17 miles on the bike just a pootle at a shade over 20mph and then turned up to play in the Welbeck Tri-am as an invited St. Meddans team. The banter was good with John Denholm and Ian Fraser (formerly of the Nooners) playing alongside the Monkey. 9 minute gaps on the tees ensured a fast round and we just played at our own pace finishing in 3 and a half hours. Excellent. Not a particularly good score but much fun none the less. Sunday was a bit more of a heart rate riser, the Loch Lomond Standard distance triathlon, swim 1500 metres, cycle 40k then run 10k. The swim was in Loch Lomond and was beautiful, leaving from the Gateway centre at Balloch it was scenic and (thankfully for my swimming) flat calm. Out of the water in a sharp 27 minutes which implies the swim course was a smidge short. Onto the bike and as ever have some fun, went passed my usual tonne of people on the bike, for some cycling on dual carriageway doesn't really work as entertainment but it really is something that I enjoy. Then onto the run and the real test of fitness, running a 10k is bad enough, try doing it when you're tired. 46 minutes of pain was to follow but I guess that ain't too bad after the first two disciplines. The worst part of the run being the photograph, but I guess I might as well share it: The Monkey is starting university next week, so we'll see how the web-site goes as I'll be having a part-time job as well as doing my MSc in IT as well as training for triathlon, so I don't know if I'll be able to be as regular, but I'll do my best.
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Nooner's News - 27/8/2005
	Other News Shot of the Day Not much to report.
Open day sees split in the Nooners. 4 Nooners turned up for the non-Open show, Eric tells the brief story. Nooner success in the Open this year was restricted to the winner of the first class, well done young Bala, a fine scratch 74 for a big pay cheque. Time bookers are required for this week, please sign up on the forum as last time we did this a number of people just turned up and it was a bit of a mess. Cheers. Eric tells a brief story. For the record 4 nooners took to the Darley this week, Phil Nethercote, Geroge Guthrie, Bill Gunn and myself. With a large group of Swedes ahead (not sure what the collective term is for such a gathering - suggestions welcome) play was slow - 3 hours for the first 9. In the end we felt fortunate to reach the safety of the Bunker after 5 hours of hard toil. Shot of the day was Bill's 25 foot putt on the 15th for a birdie. Phil took the massive kitty with 35 points. Summer League Results Phil beat myself and Bill Bill and I drew our match Lily's column Lilly's Column :Sat 20th Aug:
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Nooner's News - 20/8/2005
	Other News Shot of the Day See Lilly and David's news on shots of the day.
Plucky Aussies hang on for draw... Well not in the nooners, the plucky Aussie was Brett Lee to Mark Norman's Freddie Flintoff in the second test and not the third. David apparently snatched defeat from the jaws of victory. Maybe our antipodean friend has been up here too long! David tells the story: Things returning to normal with three four balls this week. Mark Norman takes the money after Powell blows it on the 18th. I won't go into details but it was pretty pathetic. What makes even worse was the fact that it meant we lost the fourball to Lilly. Not sure which hurt the most. The top of the league is closing up, as people suddenly realise that September approaches and rush to get matches played. We have the normal times for next week starting at 11:28 for anyone not playing in the open. Time bookers for next week are:B Collier; R MacKillop; E Murray; N Rayner and David Powell. Lily's column Lilly's Column :Sat 20th Aug: Top Gunn Returns Another sunny day on Darley,and Lilly is looking for a game of tennis as someone suggested.....t shirt,shorts,and trainers are approved dress code...please note WHITE socks Mark..not those black knee length objects you were sporting (ugh)....suspect he is one of those English folk who wear grey socks with sandals ! So,my 4 ball is Bill Gunn + Dave P Vs Nigel + Ross After a huge delay on first tee due to Nooners infront losing a ball after drives we finally blast off...me first ..lovely up the middle,Nigel also,Dave P in rough (good enough for him) and Bill G ?....a fine Topped Drive with enough Top Spin to grace Wimbeldon rolls up fairway. However both Bill + Dave get fives to win hole ! (1 down) 2nd Hole: Bill Tops it again !!.....and Lilly wins hole with a 4. (all square) 3rd Hole: Bill finally connects properly and goes into burn !..do-do do do-dooooo! I'm loving it ! Dave also in burn......and so is Lilly.....Nigel is clear though......we half hole! 4th hole: Lilly on green in two...easy !Nigel pulls it left,Dave is in sand,and Bill pulls way left near 14th green....he walks off with 6 and I win hole to go one up in big game. (ok I admit I left my putt for two way short) 5th Hole: wee bit of speech play,just in case Bill has forgotten that has topped every drive so far......you can see the concentration on his face (or was it just wind?) and he ....wait for it.....TOPS It Again.....right into grand canyon......guffaws all round! Dave P wins hole with a loverly par four ! (all square) 6th Hole: Bill smashes drive out of bounds on right!...it just gets better and better ! Oz git wins hole! (1 down) 7th Hole: Topper Gunn has a reasonable drive but hooks into heather on left...Nigel wins hole? 8th Hole: Bill decides to join the game and actually gets a few points....Oz man says his shoulders not sore yet ! 9th hole: Bill yanks it left ..miles left ! Ross misses Sahara but in bushes......Buggered if I know the rest..But Nigel +Ross One up at turn in a real ding-dong match (think I'm only 3 up to Bill G tho') 10th Hole: Ross N/R's......grrr and it's back to all square. The rest of game? A blur as usual. I should have had Two on twelfth......aghhh..left it short ! Dave thought he'd got a half on 13th.........until I told him I was also stroking to go 1 up !!! heh-heh....enjoyed that moment of realisation on Oz gits face . Bill is still Topping at random. Dave plays 14th hole well and wins with a par 4...all square? I win 15th Powell flukes a two at 16th......congratu-bloody-lations I sneer ! All square ! 17th Hole: Tension mounting and speech play getting wild obviously....result? All four of us Cream our Drives down the middle..game on ! Helicopters are dive bombing us,but it's all about the crucial second shots isn't it? Lilly and Nigel BOTH on green and the opposition are NOT....we win hole Dormie One Chaps ! 18th Hole: Dave the gentleman blows up to destroy his excellent card with an 8.....cost him the match and the kitty. Top Shop Man?...sure Dave knows his final points,but not good ! So. English sock man Mark wins kitty with same points as Head Nooner.....who is well pissed off at being brides-maid yet again. Monkey do's It had been leading to this for a while and it finally happened, Andy had a decent race. On Saturday the Monkey took part in the Scottish Half Ironman championships, 1900m swim, 56 mile bike and then run a half marathon. It's all a build up for when I get round to doing a full ironman. This was great fun. I was well down the field after the swim coming out the water in about 80th place of the 120 starters (including about 28 teams), then blitzed the bike with the 17th fastest bike split (13th if you take out the teams), the run was a hanging on effort for a 1:53 half marathon, which I'm very slightly disappointed with but have lessons to learn on that front. So Andy Kerr - HalfIronman has a nice ring, not quite as much as when I do the full thing in 2007. That is what living is all about. Needless to say endless amounts of junk food and beer were consumed after the event, triathletes rarely party, on days like Saturday they make exceptions. All in a very happy monkey (who can clearly go a bike sometimes).
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Nooner's News - 9/8/2005
	Other News Shot of the Day See Lilly and David's news on shots of the day.
Where were you all? 5 people? Middle of summer? The weather wasn't even that bad? Where was everyone? David tells the story: Only five turned out last Saturday. Where has everyone gone? Only moderately slow, but it was a nice day. Big Al takes the money with 34 points more by good luck than good golf at times. For example, not so great tee shot at the third, heading for the burn, bounces onto the narrow bridge up the other side short of the bush, chips up sinks the put for a birdie. There are more examples but then that would be giving some sort of credit to the crap that was being played by all of us. Considering that only Steven finished with a score the rest of us were N/R's. Never mind, eh. Normal times next week, starting at 11:28. Only have three bookers S Brownlow; A Payne and me. Volunteers on the forum please. Lily's column Think I'll have to log a "N/R" this week.....same as I did on saturday ! I was in a 2 ball with Bunny Brownlow which was all very convivial,but the chat did not lead to great golf ! and can't think of anything outrageous to report. Alan P took the kitty and had a winge about only £2.47 profit.......despite the fact that for 2 tables he only bought ONE plate of chips (there was only 5 of us though!) Lilly
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Nooner's News - 3/8/2005
	Other News Shot of the Day See Lilly and David's news on shots of the day.
Tam wins money again? Folks, you'll need to make sure and pay for the St. Meddans Open this week to even be considered for the draw, so if you want in remember and pay this Saturday. David tells the story: Funny day last Staurday. The "hares" (i.e those that got through the two visiting 4 balls in front) got round in 3hr 40min while the "tortoises" (as in those that didn't get through) tok 4hr 30min. The experience of the day for me was walking up the 13 fairway and realising that we were the only people on that part of the course from the 11th to the 14th. I think there may be more from Lilly. Despite the hassles and distractions, Tam took the kitty with 34 points. He had to really, as he only had one birdie and would have been down on his normal Saturday returns. Five times next week starting at 11:28. Time bookers for next week are: S Brownlow, B MacDonald, R MacKillop, N Rayner and me. Lily's column Lilly's Bit 30th July: Glad rags and Hand-bags.....Sand-bags Would be better !! Just the nine of us again this week and the place generally seemed quiet? Never mind ,could make for another quick round?..aye right !! read on ! Pre match nuptials included Lilly being presented with a White Tee.....so that I know what a White Tee looks like in case I decide to play off Yellow this week. Head Nooner and I also had a score card thrust in front of our faces to check if we could spot the difference twixt White and Yellow ! Primrose McGuire was wearing his lucky Yellow top....but it might have been White ? who knows? The pretty Blue Cap set it off nicely though. Robin decided to play with Nooners again (will he never learn?) as he came close to blows last week with the game in front seemingly (hand-bags at 7th fairway Darley). All this chat did nothing for The Nooners concentration it seems as the scores will later prove! As Eric was in vicinity pockling commenced and I found myself in the last 3 ball with Tam +Steve B. A game of Skins is agreed. Steve says he's got a headache (must have thought we wanted sex?) and needs a cap !!!!and a pill !! First Hole: Lilly duck hooks into left,Steve finds Fullarton and Tam finds humps on left.....great start guys ! No skin and no smiles as we wander to second tee . We're standing at end of fence bit watching our colleagues tee off (Big Mac,The Pockle and Mark) and Brian sticks his drive straight into bushes on right ( nothing new there then !) he re-loads and "wheeeezzzz" a ball fizzes past our ear lobes and into bushes ON LEFT near the fence ! (where are the Sand-bags boys,this is war !) Not a word is said as Brian has steam coming out of his ears....."do-do-do-do-dooo I'm lovin it " (very appropriate for Big Mac don't you think?) Second Hole; half way up fairway Bunny Browlow decides to hop into his burrow for headgear,headache pills,and presents Ross with a FULL bottle of scotch (for favours rendered ) we finish hole .No skin..Bunny got a 9. Long wait on 3rd tee..no incidents and Bunny wins the 3 skins (winge) Long wait on 4th as our Nooners in front prat about on right rough...was that a wave through boys?....that'll be a NO then ! 5th tee: we watch Eric put his Drive into crap on left (20yds?) he is then in crap on right (30 yds)..anyway despite all this arsing about they stll have to wait on 6th tee for the game in front of THEM !....which we notice is NOT Nooners first group..how odd? Then we see Robin,Head Nooner and Nigel are playing 7th having fought their way (probably literally!) past Two groups of wankers,sorry visitors. 6th Tee; BSOD from game in front ? Brians tee shot somehow ends up no more than 10ft forward and 30 ft to left just off 5th green...it must have gone through his legs says Tam! Do-do-do-do dooo ! A real Classic for Nooners Anals of history ! 6th tee contd: Steve asks for some water...(poor soul thinks Ross..his headache is so bad he needs another tablet) yep here have this...he then gets out his Whisky cups and washes them !....this has got to be THE most SUBTLE way of saying "for fucks sake get that bottle I gave you opened up "...which I do of course! Bunny suggests that although he gave me a bottle,he intends to get it back in small measures...and I've got to carry the bloody thing ! Not much springs to mind for a while, I N/R at 7th Bunny and Tam are sharing skins. Every time Brian is teeing off,we don't know where to stand to be safe! The fairway looks best though ! we resort to hiding behind sandbags anyway wearing hard hats etc ! The game is really slow the two groups of visitors are SEVERAL holes behind first Nooners,but hey ,it's dry and who gives a F### anyway ? clearly Mark does ! As we walk/crawl down 12th we are informed by Mark/Brian/Eric that cross words have been exchanged about Mark sending a suspiciously long second at 12th green in amongst them as they chatted behind 12 th green! Clearly Mark pointed out (rather forcefully) that if they didn't get a move on he would stick their hand bags where the sun don't shine (I para-phrase!)....Brian seriously thinks physical contact may occur! 13th hole: Tam wins 5 skins...at this stage it's Tam 8 skins bunny 5 and Lilly ZERO. 15th Tam narrowly misses his two but gets his three Lilly gets 4' and I think that's it for skins,but wait Tams points out that we're stroking so if steve wins ALL the rest he can draw ! ..Lilly ? oh ,he can go put a teat on his whisky bottle and go suck it somewhere ! 16th Tee Tam "goes for it"and cuts corner to very edge of trees: with his second he decides to fade one round trees to green.....he whacks it but cuts it too neat and it SMACKS into a poor defenceless tree approx 10 yds in front of him ! fortunately it fell to earth and didn't come back at him ! Steve wins skin ! Whilst all this is going on we notice that a lesser spotted warden is talking to our colleagues in front?....seemingly Mark put his second on 16th through green onto path at 17th tee where the visitors were brewing up a pot of tee and they complained to warden...".bollocks" says Mark in his defence (he had hired the best lawyer!) and off speeds the warden to give these slow players a good finger wagging! Eric,Brian and Mark think there will be fisticuffs in car park as hard stares are being exchanged......as they set off down 18th I advise them to let Robin know or he'll not forgive them if he misses out on the physical side ! Anyway,Steve birdies the last hole to draw with Tam in the skins (and this little piggy had none!) All quiet in the Car Park I'm pleased to report ....enemy seen speeding back behind their lines before Mad MacDonald,Madder Mark and Even Madder Murray can get their handbags out....... Funny old day ! This is Lilly The Pink, reporting from war-torn Lochgreen, for Web-monkey News. Monkey do's Most interesting thing this week was a little jaunt that I made to Arran, bike to ferry, round island on bike, then out to Whiting Bay and back again then biked back to Troon, 105 miles all in, only problem being the puncture at 101 miles... hmmm... Think I may have just about done enough training for this half ironman!
As ever, any content for the site should be sent to me on: webmonkey@nooners.co.uk. Or alternatively, please use the forum, it gives the Nooners an opportunity to chat or have discussions. I would like to see greater use to assess its usefulness.

Nooner's News - 23/7/2005
	Other News Shot of the Day See Lilly and David's news on shots of the day.
Play from whichever tees you fancy guys! The first 4 ball didn't seem to know that the D.G. Baxter memorial gives a great opportunity to play off whichever tees you fancy. 4 DQ's making the Nooners the official disgrace of the club and the only people to get disqualified. David tells the story: Times were split and the turnout was low. 10 mins before tee off saw only four of us in the draw. Not much pockling required this week. Robin went out early and Eric turned up just as we were teeing off and decided to wait for the later times. So it's me and big Al versus Bala and Lilly, had the potential of an interesting afternoon and so it turned out to be. We won't mention the tees. At least some league matches were played and the four ball result was particularly pleasing. I think Lilly has taken up fairway conservation, because he seems to prefer playing from the bunkers. Should be getting pretty good at them soon. Bala was sporting his new £30 driver, which stayed pretty straight all day. I'll leave it to Lilly explain how they managed to lose the match, having been no worse than all sqaure all afternoon until the 18th. Surprise of the day. Big Al wins the kitty with 33 points, cheered Brian Mac up no end. Times for next week are the usual, five from 11:28. Time bookers are B MacDonald, E Murray, N Rayner, G Wright and me. Lily's column Lilly's Brief- 23rd July So,a wet and drizzly morning at 11 o'clock but very mild so looked like a steamy day ahead on Darley. However,by the time we were out (11:50) the drizzle stops and the sky is getting lighter ! and we never saw rain again..... Just 4 of us are present for early time and it's Head Nooner + Old Man Payne Vs Bala (12 h/cap!) + Rossco We're just teeing off when Eric arrives hmmm wee bit of a potential problem? But Eric does the decent thing and says he'll wait for later times as someone is bound to turn up..which they did thankfully. Now,I know the match was great fun and there was plenty of incidents and excess speech play,but you know..I'm buggered if I can remember much at all??? So, in no order at all, the Big Game was nip and tuck all the way with Bala +me dovetailing well we were never more than one hole up and never behind all day. Alan tried to N/R after first shot off tee on first but he finds his duck hook after 10 mins ! (swears Driver is crap..I agree!) 3rd hole proved that alans eye-sight is failing as a bit of mature totty wandered across the fairway and he failed to spot the attraction! 4th hole Bala down on left by bushes out of sight..flicks it up in air (unknown to us) and it comes down from a great height to land 2 ft from his partner..not a "fore" was heard. 6th hole Powell skies one badly left to serious trouble in the purple stuff (Rose-bay Willow herb for the naturalists) but Lilly kindly finds it and he takes 4 shots to reach short grass!....do-do do do doooo...I'm loving it ! 9th hole..wee delay but no whisky...Alan looks like he hit front bunker on hill...never finds his ball (after 10 mins!) but seems happy that he found 4 other balls? 10th tee The group on 5th tee enquire if we're playing in the medal? Yes I reply! Well you should be playing off the Yellow Tees they gleefully tell us....I respond by saying that actually we're NOT in the medal after all ! Much debate as to whether if we now play off yellows and get a "two" will we get the money? I N/R on 11th hole. 14th hole and Daves second shot is followed by cursing /swearing etc but it clears the burn and lands on side of green..Lilly +Bala in burn! (little swearing): so Alan decides to make sure and gets out his 3 wood from 9o yds from burn???? He blasts it beyond 4 th hole fairway,but seems pleased that he doesn't waste a shot dropping from burn ! he then flops/duffs his way back to green in 6 !!! do-do-do-do dooo! And gets a 9. 16th tee..speech play getting really bad..and Powell is in bunker on back left..heh-heh Payne in bunker on front left heh-heh ! That just leaves you to get the other bunker front right they suggest to Lilly....and he obliges much to the myrth of Oz Git and Old Droopy cock ! Anyway it's all square on 18th tee (inevitably) and I'm in pole position after 2 great shots . Payne finds sand from his Drive(heh heh) but gets out well for two..he then CREAMS a wood onto green for three 20ft from pin hmmmm. Lilly just needs to find green from 120 yds....but finds the poxy bunker! Lilly trying to delicately splash out but Wright appears on Harling Drive and says he'll catch it in the slips if it's heading his way!!! Alans first putt is a real ladies putt 6 ft short for 4...if I can just sink my 15 footer for a 5 the match is ours...it goes straight at cup ..easy ...but the bloody thing bounces out ! Bugger ! Payne has a 6 ft putt for everything...I'm doing EVERYTHING I can to put him off..and he sinks the thing!.....an impressive par I have to admit. Game over and it's our round....great game though.Thanks guys. See you next week on Lochy Lilly Monkey do's I'd tell the story of my rather fun race at the weekend, but if I did this page would go on forever. Needless to say it was the most fun I've ever had, only one golf like hissy fit and that was when I couldn't control a kayak to save myself. Fear of being swept out to sea was high on my mind off South Queensferry pier. But what a weekend.
As ever, any content for the site should be sent to me on: webmonkey@nooners.co.uk. Or alternatively, please use the forum, it gives the Nooners an opportunity to chat or have discussions. I would like to see greater use to assess its usefulness.

Nooner's News - 16/7/2005
	Other News Shot of the Day See Lilly and David's news on shots of the day.
Tiger away so the mice play! With Tiger missing the Nooners to go and play in some event in Fife the money was up for grabs on Saturday, who swept up? Read on... Check out the photos section to see some photos of the Green Jacket day, these really are good shots from Glyn. David tells the story: Lilly's back, so with a bit of luck, some quality reporting. Another low turnout, luckily some stragglers got us up to nine and big Al finally got some matches. Lilly's holiday obviously did some good, playing Tam in the league, for a while it almost looked like he could play. Reached the third green in two, missed the eagle but got the birdie (Tam only got par). Out in 20 points, but I'll leave the rest to Lilly. Candidates for shot of the day. Ross's put from wide left of the 6th green which went onto the green and then back down between the two bunkers or Tam's bunker shot on the same hole off his knees (we won't mention tha other bunker shot that put him on his knees). But it was a nice day and for the second week in a row, there were few hold ups, round in just over 4 hours which obviously suited Robin, 37 points and the kitty. Next week we are split, someone got there early and "nicked" three of the 11:30 slots. First tee time is 11:50 with three at 12:30. Time bookers for next week are T Bala D Ellis, R MacKillop, A Payne and me. Lily's column Lill's back from "gay Toronto" Just the 9 of us this week...3 three balls. First group Head Nooner,Tam The Green Jacket Champ and Ross. A straight Stableford agreed with winner being treated to F+D by the "Loosers",and Lill playing Tam in Summer league. I haven't played for 4 weeks so really looking forward to a game and decide to play safe ,nice slow swing etc. First hole sees me pap one up middle with 3 wood and cream my second so I'm feeling rather good until I find that I hit it so well it's in the green-side bunker !!! Don't think I've EVER reached g/side bunker in two on first hole? Grrrr ! splash out and two putt for 5 net 4 to half hole. Similar two shots on second,but just short of green and I duff my 6 iron pitch +run (grrr) to allow Tam a half again ! However ,third hole sees me hit two great woods and I'm on green 5 ft from pin in TWO and putting for Eagle (this is too good to be true?) I shave the orifice though and tap in for a mere Birdie and One up.....easy game this! And I win 5th as well to go two up !.....Tam looks to to have met his match today me thinks! 6th Hole. We all miss green...lilly just off to left wide of bunkers....a wee 6 iron pitch and run should do the trick.....and it looks good as it bounces on slope at top of bunker,kicks right? And somehow rolls back down slope and into the bunker to join Tam !I play out first onto green in 3. I'm not at all happy at this turn of events....Powell is pissing himself and I'm sure I saw a smirk on wee McGuires face?....However,Tam plays his bunker shot.....completely clean strike,the ball sails out,over the green and into bunker on other side ! Dave and myself almost contained our mirth but afraid we guffaw in unison ! Think we all got 5's anyway,but I'm stroking against Tam ! 7th hole saw Tam win 8th hole saw me in bunker AGAIN....that's 3 bunkers so far. 9th hole....after aa average drive I decide I can't reach the green with second.....and procede to knock it through the back much to annoyance of game in front ! I grovel my apologies to them as they are moving on quite well actually. 20 pts for Lill to turn and two up to Champ Tam. 10th hole saw my second as Shank Of Day which nearly hit tee on 15th hole ! 11th Hole: I cream drive straight into middle of fairway bunker! Right against face as Tam points out! This is starting to bug me ! I splash it out with second and CREAM a three wood toward green.....and into greenside bunker (along side Tam who is winging about his near perfect second landing in sand...my bloody heart bleeds for him!) Tam chips out perfectly to 5 ft.....I thin mine straight up face of bunker and it somehow stops 2 ft from pin...unlucky not to hit pin I felt! 14th hole: Tam wellies his into trees so looks like I'm on for the hole ,but he somehow finds it and it's playable to green and we half hole.....not good.....I'm 2 down by now. 15th Hole......oh that'll be me in bunker again and I shake hands having to admit that the best man lost and I was beaten by the sand ! Tam finally birdies a hole on 16th. So, Tam gets another 2 points....and 33 pts. Dave P ? oh about 30 pts....and Ross ? oh he got 34 points...all of them well earned.....get the beers in boys and don't forget the chips..I've missed them ! Remind me to tell you about Toronto sometime... must dash Lilly Monkey do's I'd tell the story of my rather fun race at the weekend, but if I did this page would go on forever. Needless to say it was the most fun I've ever had, only one golf like hissy fit and that was when I couldn't control a kayak to save myself. Fear of being swept out to sea was high on my mind off South Queensferry pier. But what a weekend.
As ever, any content for the site should be sent to me on: webmonkey@nooners.co.uk. Or alternatively, please use the forum, it gives the Nooners an opportunity to chat or have discussions. I would like to see greater use to assess its usefulness.

Nooner's News - 9/7/2005
	Other News Shot of the Day Witih Lilly away again, not much to report.
Browncow takes the money! David tells the story: Another low turnout on the Darley at pace. Almost no delays and we sprinted round in 4 hours. The speed of played fair ruined my game (that's my excuse anyway) as I was given a Dog's Licence humping by "Bunny" Brownlow. The only consolation was that he collected the kitty as well with 36 points (that is also without scoring on the 18th). The league is getting tighter, as the spectre of "Ned Kelly" Guthrie climbs the table, getting set to bushwhack those at the top. Hard man to beat playing off 21, I can still hear the moans of "unfair". Thanks to Brian MacD and the Dog Fiddler for booking times last week. We have the usual five times from 11:28. Only three bookers again: C Birrell; A Payne and me. Volunteers please register on the forum. Monkey do's OK, so there ain't much doing in golf reporting this week, so thought I would let you know what I'm up to this coming weekend, it's my debut in Adventure Racing. The idea, get from one place to another passing through as many checkpoints as possible. It's a team event and involves recruiting a girl, possibly the most fun part of entering the race! What does this involve, well in truth we don't really know and the race organisers won't tell us, we reckon a bit of running, mountain biking, kayaking, swimming, climbing, abseiling plus others (possibly dry slope skiing). Just another silly thing that the Monkey is up to, if you're in Edinburgh at the weekend, the smelly sweaty people won't be protestors, it is likely to be one of the Monkey's team. More info on the race is available on: www.ratraceadventure.com. This could be fun!
As ever, any content for the site should be sent to me on: webmonkey@nooners.co.uk. Or alternatively, please use the forum, it gives the Nooners an opportunity to chat or have discussions. I would like to see greater use to assess its usefulness.

Nooner's News - 2/7/2005
	Other News Shot of the Day Witih Lilly away again, not much to report.
Wrighty takes the money (despite his short game!) On the Saturday, Graeme Wrighty Wright picked himself up from the Lions disappointment to come in with 36 points and take the money. It was either that he was floored by Lion's disappointment or was rolling around the floor laughing at Sir CW's incompetence (Robinson?!?). David tells some of the story: Nice quiet day on Lochgreen following the Rothsay match. Only seven starters, while Tam and Steven Aird were playing in the match. A bit of a breeze blowing which made playing down wind fun. Amazing how far an 8 iron will go with a gale behind. An indication of the effect the conditions were having was shown when we were actually waved through on the fifth. Could be a lot of factors involved, but could have been the thought of catching up with Jim Pennington on the 6th tee. Anyway, not a lot to report in terms of quality golf, but as a guide I started 7,8,7,n/r and stiil all square in my league match. But Wrighty slipped in with a creditable 36 points to take what little kitty there was. We have five times staring at 11:28 next week. However, need two more time bookers for this week. Current bookers are A Payne, Mr Reliable and me. Volunteers can sign up on the forum please. Green Jacket - 1/7/05 Glyn reports that Tam won the green jacket with an excellent 40 points. Tam also took the putting competition (least putts taken) with just 27 putts. Wrighty was second with 38 points but amazingly that pretty much made him last in the putting competition as he took 38 putts (oh dear oh dear!). Tam now gets the pleasure of arranging the green jacket next year. Here he is collecting his illustrious prize from Alan (trousers tucked in socks) Payne. The texas scramble format was used in the afternoon as is traditional in this event, Wrighty thought he had a sniff in this one as his team of Janni, Browncow, George and Wrighty went on to score a respectable 47.75, this was to no avail as they finished last. The winning score in the texas scramble was Norman, Sharath, Paul and Glyn with a gross 58 for a net 46.5.
As ever, any content for the site should be sent to me on: webmonkey@nooners.co.uk. Or alternatively, please use the forum, it gives the Nooners an opportunity to chat or have discussions. I would like to see greater use to assess its usefulness.

Nooner's News - 21/6/2005
	Other News Shot of the Day I'm sure a photo of Lilly with his shorts on would have made shot of the day! Do I hear chickens? Cluck.. cluck
Wrighty has a collapse! David tells some of the story: Tam takes the money again with 41 points. Wrighty blows it on the 18th when he lost his ball in the rough, when a humble 5 would have secured the kitty. He was 2 under fours for the back nine at the time. But it was an entertaining afternoon. I was in the company of messers Birrell and Wright which always suggests that the afternoon will not be quiet. A bit of a delay on the fourth tee to allow a lovely pair of thighs linked to and even nicer rear cycle past. Charlie in not so quiet ecstasy, drooling away as Wrighty tries to tee off. It's all downhill from here. Despite the distractions, some good golf was played, with 18, 19 and 19 points after nine holes. A wee slug of Macallan for Wrighty and me and it all changes. Wrighty goes like he's on jet fuel, I fall apart, scoring a Dog Fiddler on the back nine (5 points). Charlie declines the whisky because he's in pain with a strained side (he claims). Did not stop him giving me right doing in our league match. So much for returning hospitality. It will be a toot and wave (or is it two fingers?) next time I pass him walking to the course. The one thing you be certain of with Birrell and Wrighty on the course, is that any totty that might be around will be spotted. So, we are standing on the 15th tee and Charlie spots this "nice arse" strolling up the Fullarton, some 200 yards away. "I recognise that arse" he cries "That's Mrs Birrell with Mrs Broncow". What class. With Lilly away for the next three weeks we could do with some contributions from the odd raving reporter (or should that be roving?). As far as I know we have the usual times for next week starting at 11:28. Time bookers for next week are T Bala, S Brownlow, N Rayner, Mr Reliable and me. Lily's column Hot and Steamy On Lochgreen 18th June: Lilly arrives in shorts +tee shirt +white socks (and looking the part I felt )and spent the rest of the day being pestered by folk making "chicken" noises during my backswing ! I felt this was outrageous behaviour on behalf of Birrell and Wright ! Seemingly they saw a connection between my pins and poultry ! but I'm not sure we want to go there in print ! Getting the "draw" sorted was a worse than the European Parliament Constitution debate with "Yorkie" man desperate to get at least one singles tie played,Lilly keen to get out in first couple of groups, and a Visitor (Alex) looking for a game since 08;30 . Anyway,we got sorted out somehow and Eric pockled the cards so the second 4 ball was Nigel,Eric,Lilly,and Alex. Seeing as Nigel had had his evil way with me previous week he suggested that I could partner him this time ! Nigel + Ross vs Eric +Alex.(Tall Dark Stranger...TDS) Alex plays off two and Eric was getting 19 shots in Big Match (can you get 2 shots at one hole in a 4 ball?) TDS drives off at first and I think..."..oh shit this guy hits the ball like Tam !" I pap one up the middle with 3 wood,cream another 3 wood to 50yds short, and chip to 10 ft of pin and sink the putt for a par 4 (net 3 !!!) which leaves TDS aghast that his 4 was just not good enough! Welcome to The Nooners ! After last weeks humping by Nigel,I was hopeful that we could win the 4 ball,but I did start to doubt that when Nigel played the second ! His Drive just made the "rushes" on the right,hacks his second,sclaffs his third and nudges his fourth to safety of fairway at last (still behind our drives) he then shanks it back to rough,sclaffs his way up the right hand rough,before finally shanking it into the trees on the right......lost ball N/R. The third hole wasn't much better for him either. The Big Match proved to be a real cracker actually with plenty of speech play and nip and tuck all the way....... Let me talk you through the 9th .....I put my second shot (5wood) to just off back of green. Eric sticks his Third to 25 ft and Nigel is lying 12 ft short after 3 shots. TDS ? oh he's in a green-side bunker after two.....and three....and four !!!! heh-heh. I do one my famous 6 iron chip +runs to 3 inches for a tap in par 4. Nigel sinks his putt for par 4 as well. Looks like a win for us? No Chance ! "The Pockle" walks up to ball, bends over his ball,wiggles his arse,and rams his putt home to half the hole ! Bastard! So, three pars and "what did you get Alex ?...oh a six !" Arse beats class again. This turned out to be the ONLY hole we halfed all day which must be some kind of record? The speech play got more severe from here on in as did abuse from Birrell + Wright...they started referring to me as Colnel Sanders of Kentucky fame ! 15th Tee: we're 3 down with 4 to play : So, I'm stood on 15th tee,my colleagues have all missed the green and I step on to tee and does the crowd hush with an air of anticipation?.....does it bloody hell....all I can hear is a loud clucking noise behind me. But,I bash my 3 wood into heart of green (12 ft) and wave my index finger at the poultry lovers behind me! The putt?......of course I sink the putt for my two AND it keeps us in the match to boot. We win 16th as well (5 net 4) so it looks good to go 18th? Nah,.....Eric spoils the party by slotting in ANOTHER long putt from just off 17th green to win the match. Never mind , a fine day out in a bit of heat, a wee hole in two,and all's well with the world ! I'm not around for a few weeks so perhaps others can write a few words of wisdom ? I'll away and put some spicy crispy batter on my breast and legs ! Lilly Ps Should have said....Eric finally paid up the £1 he owed me from "the bye" (weeks ago).....I've since borrowed £35 off him though ! The Monkey's Highland Cross Well, you folks were good enough to sponsor me for the Highland Cross 50 mile duathlon, so I better tell you what happened. After some good results this year the Monkey was tipped to go well and possibly get up into the top 20 of the 600 competitors. With a 20 mile run to start you can never be certain of such things though. I went off at the front of the field and was comfortably sitting in the top 50 through the crucial first 4 miles before we got to the 300 metre hill, this meant that I avoided queueing. The only problem with being quite far up was the effort I was putting in, the sweat was pouring off of me and the humidity stifling. The water stops couldn't replenish me and I spent the race wishing I had taken my camelbak hydration rucksack with my spare water (stoopid idea to leave it but hindsight is perpetually 20/20. Through 8 miles and I developed a stitch and could barely run, the field was flooding passed me, through 12 miles and after a brief stop to empty my shoes of stones that had gathered my back decided to give up, needless to say the last 8 miles of the "run" were very slow. Add all this to the Gatorade that we were being fed and my stomach was playing tricks on me. As sports drinks go Gatorade is renowned amongst Ironmen as a method of making you sick, this is just what happened to me at 19 miles just before the 30 mile bike ride. This was a blessing as my stomach wasn't nearly as full for the bike. So through 20 miles in 4 hours, an embarassing time, but at least I had completed that much. Onto the bike and all the troubles of the run were non-existent, the stitch and sore back were created by the impact on the ground of running, this isn't a problem on the bike. I must have passed 200 competitors to record one of the best bike splits in the competition. Still a very disappointing 5 hours 14 minutes for the Highland Cross, but an experience I'm determined to learn from and give a performance that is a true reflection of my athletic ability the next time I'm out.
As ever, any content for the site should be sent to me on: webmonkey@nooners.co.uk. Or alternatively, please use the forum, it gives the Nooners an opportunity to chat or have discussions. I would like to see greater use to assess its usefulness.

Nooner's News - 13/6/2005
	Other News Shot of the Day From the brief glimpse of action I saw, an unbelievable sequence of two greens two putted by Wrighty was certainly up there for shots of the day. Who would have thought it. Easily the classiest shot I saw was Charlie's chip to the 17th. Sitting behind the bunker with no real shot on, the skilful Birrell pulled out his sand wedge, clipped the ball off the turf, landed it on the lip of the bunker and it ran down to 6 inches, such fine judgement you'd have thought he had hit it fat!
Tam takes revenge After 6 birdies last week and not winning the kitty, Tam only had 2 this week and took the money. Excellent work and steady golf shooting 2 over on the Darley, the condition of which certainly seems to be improving. The Monkey came down to view some proceedings and hope didn't put too many people off their cheeseburgers in his lycra get-up. I think it should be made compulsory for golf wear. For information the charity that you were giving to on Saturday is listed at the following address: http://www.highlandcross.co.uk/ David tells some of the story: Not much to report, really. Tam takes the money, 38 points and only 2 birdies on a difficult day. It was less than five hours, (just), following tourists that struggled on Darley. Funny how when the blockage is being caused by the games ahead, the ranger spent all of his time patrolling the games behind. Maybe I'm just being cynical. Lily's column Lilly's Painful Column: 11th June: WHAM BAM THANK YOU TAM !!! A fine sunny day for the Darley Monthly Medal. Just eleven of us up though. Wee incident in car park (can't get much earlier for the Nooners to have an incident can it?). Troon Vet patiently waiting for a chap to vacate a particular car space,and as said chap does so, a BLUR of blue Maseratti ZOOMS in to the vacated space leaving Vet fiddling with his gear stick (makes a change I guess). This unruly behaviour was witnessed by my caddy George G and myself so it must be true. Caddy ? do I hear you question? Well, unfortunately Lilly hurt his back earlier in the week (I blame gardening and intend leaving this to wife in future..she deservrs a break from the kitchen I reckon !) and have been advised that picking up golf clubs from car is a bit dodgy so George kindly agreed to do the manual humping bit for me ! so thanks for that George. I was drawn in second 4 ball and the Big Match is: Tam + Ross Vs Bunny Brownlow + New Swinger Nigel. Steve reveals his back is not good either and we agree to play singles tie and Nigel also seeks to take advantage of my predicament. I swallow second Ibuprofen (your only supposed to have one of these horse pills every 8 hrs ) and proceed to duck hook drive . Tam does his usual and rams home a putt for birdie 4....Raynor scrambles a 5 and points out that he is getting 11 strokes....and it's index 11. Grrrr (Lilly looses to Nigel and half with Bunny man) Long delay on third tee as has become traditional..the 4 ball in front ( was not a toyota ) Head Nooner, Head club thrower, Dog Fiddler, George, took a total of Seven shots off tee which helped ease the pain for me....briefly. By the time our 4 ball teed off the total was out of 8 of us we took 13 shots off tee (two were mine) Are you following this guys? Anway Steve B lost to my Seven ! and I actually parred the short 4th hole having used a Six iron off tee....hey ,it was bloody sore ok ! Tam continued to play parr golf and I was hardly going to be using speech play when he was my partner and he was playing very steady golf...he got to the turn in gross 36 (level par) and 20 pts and we were only One up in big game...surprised Tam didn't have a sore back cos he was carrying me all the way (9 pts to turn) I was 3 down to Nigella and it would have been worse if he hadn't N/R'd a couple of times. Remarkably I was two up to Steve B who continues his run of crappy golf. No whisky was offered (Iwas on drugs,Tam was on fire,Steve was shite and Nigel was just being a c*** !) Steve then hit a wee bit of form and he was one up to me by 13th hole. Nigel ? oh he continued to tell jokes as bad as Alan Paynes and to russtle about with poly bags and tin cans in his bag every time I was about to play!....I mean ,I was 4 down,crippled,tired out,and he's still trying to put me off just in case I get visited by the Darley Angels and get cured...Tam held his nerve despite dropping a couple of shots and lipping out of several putts..no caber tossing witnessed ! The Big Game was nip and tuck all the way and on 18th Tee the state of the nations was All square in Big Game, Steve B and I all square as well (both playing better and my back had eased off a bit) and Nigel had finished shagging me on 14th green. Up the 18th and the pressure was on; Tam waited for green to clear before hitting his second,but tried to hit it too hard even for him and miscued a bit but put his third shot to 10 ft. Lilly put his third to very edge of green just off and Steve B was 10 ft beyond green after three. Worth saying that Steves putting was dire all day and this trend continued on 18th green I'm happy to report....he got 6 , I muffed my fourth shot (6 iron chip n run ) but slotted in a 12 footer for par 5 to win Big Match and Singles tie, Tam sank his putt for second Birdie of day and 38 pts....and Nigel?think he finished with 6 but I really couldn't give a toss by then !! (sorry !) So, very close match and very enjoyable sport. Tam wins kitty and he's off out again to play a singes tie in Bud Smith at 5:30 pm. Web monkey makes an appearance and is looking for sponsorship (going rate £5 per head). His Nooners web site featured in Golf magazine (National Club Golfer?) as one of the best golf web sites around....which is a bit scarey that complete strangers could be reading this rubbish isn't it ? Well that's me done for this week..I'm away to rub some Rioja on to my back..see you next week. Lilly the Pink Ps Steve B is moving house again...he was putting like such a fairy he's decided to move into Dingelly Dell.
As ever, any content for the site should be sent to me on: webmonkey@nooners.co.uk. Or alternatively, please use the forum, it gives the Nooners an opportunity to chat or have discussions. I would like to see greater use to assess its usefulness.

Nooner's News - 7/6/2005
	Other News Shot of the Day Two mentions outside of columns. Firstly and undeniable winner is Sharath's hole in one on the French trip, OK, so it is a couple of weeks ago but has to get a mention on the site. Secondly, Graeme "Wrighty" Wright who knocked in an eagle on the 7th of the Lochie this week. Which of the three shots was the best I hear you ask, well no question if you've ever seen Wrighty putt, the first two shots are no surprise but less than 3 jabs and Wrighty is in heaven!
Heavy scoring - Tam with 6 birdies loses out to Aird I will try to be down this week to look for sponsor money, was feeling a bit slack on Saturday and went out on my bike instead. I'm now into taper phase, and that is the phase when I start to look for sponsor money. If you click on the photos link on the left you will get a series of photos from this year's French trip, the most notable of theses photos was Sharath's hole in one (shown below) at the 111m 7th at Hardelot Les Pins. Sharath took the trophy home this year, well done all! David tells some of the story: Only four times again next week, with the Welbeck open on Lochgreen everyone is being routed to the Darley, we could have had 13:20 if we wanted it but that is a bit too much of a gap. It has to be noted that Wrighty was down first trying to redeem some credibility, even if we didn't care that he was showered and shaved. Times for next week are four from 11:28. Time bookers are G Bunton, D Ellis, E Murray, G Wright and me. What a change to be on Lochgreen again. As it turned out, we only had 13 out so everyone got a game and what a day it was as you can see from the scores. Steven Aird just pipped Tam for the money with 41 points, but with six birdies, I don't think Tam lost out. Made me even more annoyed at a 7, 7, 5 finish. Thanks to Lilly, I managed to secure a couple of points in the league, having been drawn together again (3rd week in a row), he decided not to risk having to buy me a drink and persuaded Steven to switch with me. Net result, DP 2 points, Lilly nil. Candidate for shot of the day goes to the MacGuer clan, for similar shots on the 14th from different bunkers. Ian in the right bunker while young Alex was up against the face on the left. (Having taken Dad's advice to not go for the green! Which he probably could have done.) It's not fair how far he can hit a ball and if he can find a putter that works, he will be deadly. Anyway, Ian has a go for the green, connects well, but pushes it right, towards the group on the 15th tee. Up steps Alex, totally unphased by the position of his ball, gives the ball a mighty whack onto the green. Great effort, what the arrogance of youth can do for you. Lily's column 13 Nooners...lucky for some: Pre match banter: Big E (the man from Tennents) has the brass neck to turn up last (nothing new there then I hear you say) and asks if he can go out in the first group ! and we're all so stunned we agree ! The place was running late...30 mins or so and the starters actually warned us which proves that communication is alive and well after all. Nearly had a diplomatic incident when some Swedes wandered up to the tee at their allocated slot and we had to point out the error of there ways ie"hey,you with the blonde hair..get aff the tee or I'll shove that pickled herring up passage !" and all was well. They actually asked me how long a round would take !!!!! Anyway,after a wee bit of pockling(well Eric was in attendance) my 3 ball was Steve Aird,Eric,and myself. Steve informed us before we teed off that his flash sweat free T shirt was hell to iron...very domesticated we thought ! So,we're stood on the first tee Steve about to Drive when the conversation in the background (steve B) was about Troon beach at night....what Sex + drugs ? asks Lilly....yep Sex ,Drugs and Sausage Rolls says Bunny Brownlow...Steve Aird promptly Duck Hooks drive into GUR on left at new trees....heh-heh ! I get my 5 for two points and after a free drop Steve A sneaks a 5 as well after a superbe approach shot...bugger ! This proved to be a sign of things to come as Aird continued to hit greens in regulation even if a wee bit wayward off tee. At the turn I had 18 pts and yet was 3 down to young whipper-snapper. No skins for Lilly,one to Eric,and 8 to Aird ! and Steve A is only one over par. Whisky is offered and refused by the East Kilbride Kid(EKK)..serious stuff going on. Eric and I both did well to both loose to EKK on 13th green I thought. He had bogey on 14th,and hada wobble on 15th (a five) and found trees on 16th but rescued a six. Lilly resolutely refused to indulge in speech play right up to the end and our man walked off with net 69 and 41 pts to win the kitty..a great display of golf..pity he chose to do it against me though.... Think that's all for now Next week Darley Lilly (pink jumper away for the summer) Ps Charlies Salmon Pink top was a bit sweet wasn't it? Pps Just remembered I won the £1 on the "bye"...Eric hasn't paid me yet. Also,Eric having got the rolls in had to be chased up cos he only paid for two yet he got three !!!! The pockling continues.
As ever, any content for the site should be sent to me on: webmonkey@nooners.co.uk. Or alternatively, please use the forum, it gives the Nooners an opportunity to chat or have discussions. I would like to see greater use to assess its usefulness.

Nooner's News - 24/5/2005
	Other News Shot of the Day Number of contenders this week as follows: Shot 1 came from the Monkey at the 3rd hole, a spectacular coconut with his 3 wood must have moved the guts of 40 yards. It was at this point that I remembered that this game isn't too easy. Second up comes Stephen Fabian fabby Brownlow who skelped a 3 wood onto the 11th green of Lochgreen for a seemingly impossible position (and on an utterly impossible line), if I work out how he did it I'll let you all know. Another highlight on that hole was Wrighty's fine bunker shot to make his par, it seems that his shovel worked well in that sand, it sure didn't work anywhere else on the course! Next is Wrighty again as he knocked one of the more majestic 4 irons into the heart of the 12th green, this was in Wrighty's little run of form. Ending the day reflecting on more poor shots though and Wrighty's "I'll catch that in my hat" sky on the 15th tee.
Four people play with the Nooners. Only 4 Nooners were out in the "nooners" group on Saturday, the rest were playing in the Jubilee or were out in France, David tells the story of the day on the Darley. In the Jubilee a whole host of Nooners were out but none came away with any prizes. For a change the Monkey played a game of golf, 83 would seem like a reasonable effort to some, but to me it was at best mediocre and really rather lacking something. I played OK and the demon short game was on show on occassion but the long game is lacking greatly, particularly in approach play. I'll need to get out some more as in the right company it is a fun game. Could have been five but Charlie B saw the dangers of playing in a two ball on Darley and opted for a cancellation in the Jubilee. So I was left in the company of Lily, Brian Mac and Ian Mckie to wile away the hours. What looked like being a five hour round after nine holes was only four and a half, and the competition was fierce. The golf might not have been great but you can always rely on Brian and Ross to produce the lively, cheery banter one has come to expect on a Saturday afternoon. Particularly if you are playing against them. Needless to say Ian and I managed to alternate quite well, mixing crap with the odd good hole to sneak up and grab the match. I walked off with four league points and Ian won the money (what there was of it). Normal times next week starting at 11:28, have only four time bookers, so would appreciate a volunteer. Time bookers are D Ellis, B MacDonald, R MacKillop and me. Duathlon Madness Folks, it has become a bit of a tradition each year for me to do some silly races, last year I did a 3 ultra race in 15 days affair just to finish each, this year I'm going for 2 in 15 days but with the aim of getting places in each. Early season form has been good with a recent 8th place finish in a 57 mile duathlon (of 39 finishers). So what does this mean to you folks, yep you guessed it I'm looking for sponsorship for these races. The charities that these races raise for are really good ones, the Highland Cross (50 miles across the beautiful Glen Affric) raises for a range of charities in the North of Scotland that have no other way of tapping into funds due to the remoteness of the location, the Corrieyairack challenge (43 mile duathlon over a mountain pass) raises money for the Badaguish Outdoor Centre which provides respite holidays for disabled children, they really do a great job for their communities and are not in the bracket of "large" charities that seek huge revenue from corporate clients. Here are their web-sites, judge for yourself. Corrieyairack Challenge - see the where the money goes section. Highland Cross - the charities tab will give you ideas I'll be down to see you folks shortly with a form, go on you know you want to! Pledge by e-mail if you can, I don't need to collect cash until middle July so a pledge for my form would be great!
As ever, any content for the site should be sent to me on: webmonkey@nooners.co.uk. Or alternatively, please use the forum, it gives the Nooners an opportunity to chat or have discussions. I would like to see greater use to assess its usefulness.

Nooner's News - 18/5/2005
	Other News Shot of the Day Not much to go on this week.
Tam makes birdies for fun. In a day reminniscent of one of Warren or Stuart's rampages Tam picked up 7 birdies. That's more than the Monkey has ever picked up... but that's off topic! Anyway, Tam takes the money with 38 points and a nice little haul of 7 birdies. Lucky for me I had one birdie which meant I probably broke even. Normal times next week starting at 11:28. Time bookers are C Birrell; S Brownlow; D Ellis; R MacKillop and David Powell
As ever, any content for the site should be sent to me on: webmonkey@nooners.co.uk. Or alternatively, please use the forum, it gives the Nooners an opportunity to chat or have discussions. I would like to see greater use to assess its usefulness.

Nooner's News - 11/5/2005
	Other News Shot of the Day Not much to go on this week.
"Any birdies?" - Peter walks away with the cash. Not a large turnout for a sunny day with a touch of a "cool breeze". Funny, it felt like a slow round with having to wait on almost every shot, but we actually got round in under 4 hours. Is this another record? Peter Roebuck takes the money with 39 points, by virtue of a very effective short game. Every time a small opening appeared he would stick his chip or putt beside the flag. Door shut! Game over. Normal times next week starting at 11:28. Time bookers are: S Brownlow; G Guthrie; I MacGruer; P Nethercote and David Powell.
As ever, any content for the site should be sent to me on: webmonkey@nooners.co.uk. Or alternatively, please use the forum, it gives the Nooners an opportunity to chat or have discussions. I would like to see greater use to assess its usefulness.

Nooner's News - 30/4/2005
	Other News Shot of the Day A few candidates from what little golf I saw on Satuday, Ross's putt on 16 that he left equidistant from the hole, nothing that bad there, well it is if you're putting from 20 feet. Alan's 4 putt on 16, no surprises there, particularly given his half way for ladies first putt. Of good shots, Brian's drive up the 17th was impressive, who says that investing a load in a big headed driver can't make up for technique?!? Shot of the day has to go to Phil Nethercote with his 25 footer that he drained on 16 for the birdie 2, impressive stuff.
Vet gets slashed, talk about role reversal! 45 points on the Darley, what's this? Well, can't find anyone who thought that it had happened before so a proclamation of a new record. Bill Collier took the course and his 18 handicap to bits, can't think of many times where the scratch score in class 3 was one off being the best scratch score in class 2, a wonderful display of golf by Bill Collier. Even the great Stephen Brownlow failed to stay with the heat that Bill was giving to him, a 7 and 6 loser to the master himself. David tells some more stories, but unfortunately no Lily column for us this week. Times next week are a bit muddled due a certain Mr Wright not able to surface in time, getting to bed at 03:30 is the most pathetic excuse I have ever heard. Anyway we have 4 times from 11:28 and then Wrighty will lead the trailing group at 12:30. Time bookers for next week are: C Birrell; B MacDonald; R MacKillop; N Rayner and me (DP). Some good scores for the Darley, pretty sure 45 points is the highest ever over it. Good thing it's not the winter.
As ever, any content for the site should be sent to me on: webmonkey@nooners.co.uk. Or alternatively, please use the forum, it gives the Nooners an opportunity to chat or have discussions. I would like to see greater use to assess its usefulness.

Nooner's News - 23/4/2005
	Other News Shot of the Day Not much doing this week.
Wrighty takes the money, who'd have thought. A few more turned up this week to create a new record, 16 people waiting on the 2nd tee. How it got to that state is beyond me. Some of the banter was entertaining and the pace gradually picked up, but it still took over 5 hours to get round. Enough of that. Wrighty will have to find something else to moan about now, because again he tied for the points, but this time had the edge on George to claim the money. The things George will do to get Wrighty to pay his debts. The usual times next week starting from 11:28. Time bookers are: S Brownlow, B Collier, A Payne, G Wright and DP.
As ever, any content for the site should be sent to me on: webmonkey@nooners.co.uk. Or alternatively, please use the forum, it gives the Nooners an opportunity to chat or have discussions. I would like to see greater use to assess its usefulness.

Nooner's News - 16/4/2005

Other News

Shot of the Day

I'm sure Lilly has a few things to say on this.

Record low turnout in Summer league? Is it a foregone conclusion? Wrighty wins?

Record low turnout on Saturday. Six people for five times, Wrighty almost missed out turning up at 11:35. Serves him right anyway because for the second time this year he tied for the kitty and missed out on the money. The only thing that Lilly could gloat about, because Wrighty got everything else.

Would be interested to know where everyone was. The weather was worse the week before and 12 went out.
We have the usual five times next week starting at 11:28. Time bookers for next week are B Collier, R MacKillop, E Murray, G Wright and me.

Lily's column

Lilly's Column 16th April:
Well,what a poor turn-out ! A mere 6 of us trapped on Saturday which I think is the lowest number since records began?
How strange...it was Lochgreen,and it stayed dry as well.
Of the 8 of us who went to St Andrews only myself was man enough to turn out on Saturday..perhaps the Scottish Grand National was a bigger attraction? Or shopping with the wife in Ikea surely not guys !
Actually there was only 5 of us when our time came up so we sent out a two ball first (their request) of Iain McKie and Bill Collier but as the 3 ball headed for first tee Wrighty pulled up in the car park so that made a 4 ball.
Dave P + Ross Vs Eric + Wrighty.
Have to say,it was bloody cold stood on first tee,but dry,and "we're off". Lill wins first with a steady 5 net 4.
I find myself 3 up after 3 in Singles game vs Wrighty and One down when we walk off seventh green !!!!! Big Shitey !
Eric was being more amenable though and I kept my nose in front the whole round with the gentlman Murray despite his drive at the fifth which was heading towards railway line,when it clattered into the wall,and bounced back onto fairway !
The 4 ball game? We gradually lost our lead as Wright hit a bit of form.
He was Driving very well but his short game was letting him down. I pointed this out to him on 13 tee and he promptly got back to back birdies !! Bugger! Man from Oz seemed unimpressed with my speech play at this point.
11th hole was enjoyable if you're from Australia though.Having predicted that we were about to start showing off, Daves drive was heading for bunker in fairway,but with a wee touch of fade it sqeezed past ! He creams a 3 wood heading for greenside bunker on right,and again sqeezes it past the edge to leave himself a 20 ft putt across the slope of green..he hits the ground with his putt and leaves it 15 ft short! He then calmly slots home a tricky putt for the win in four (I also got 4 which was a waste!)
Think we were 3 down coming out of loop.
15th Hole.
Graeme w pops into bunker on right. Eric does the same! Hmm, doors open Dave....who sticks his into bunker on left (tosser!)
Up to Lilly then..I announce that I'm going to draw a 3 wood into green,which I demonstrate by whacking it off the heel and into heather on left !(tosser!)
A decent wedge sees me at back of green though. Oz bunker shot somehow gets HUGE amount of top-spin and much to Wrighty's amusement it bounces on green and shoots forward to off other side?. Eric however hits a low bunker shot which parks itself 4 ft from pin!!
Lilly sinks a 20 ft cross slope/downhill putt which was a thing of real beauty for the 3. Murray the Miserable sinks his for the half though.dormie 3
Dave wins 16th.
Ross wins 17th. Dormie 1
18th Hole:
Jammy bugger Wright gets par which wins them the big match and beats Ross as well in singles.
Good game though with plenty of targeted abuse at every hole!
Other points of interest? Wrighty's approach on 7th got him D.O.D. (divot of day) a real cracker of oh 12 inches long and 6 inches wide .
S.O. D. ? (shot of day) possibly erics bunker shot at 15th cos Eric doesn't often get SOD.....ok.ok Wrighty's Drive at 13th was reasonable I suppose as was his chip and single putt (but I still preferred my putt at 15th )
Lochgreen again next week,bring it on I say.
Lill

Pos.

Name

Points

Green Jacket

Right folks, this year's green jacket will be played in the same format as last year, round on the Belleisle as stableford for Green jacket followed by a round on Seafield as texas scramble or similar fun format for the afternoon. The date has been set as the 1st of July, please let Bala know as soon as possible if you are able to attend, it is the premier date in our golfing calendar and well worth attending. Who knows, maybe the club captain and vice captain will turn out if you're very lucky!

All you need do is tell Bala that you can play.

Nooner's News - 9/4/2005

Other News

Shot of the Day

I'm sure Lilly has a few things to say on this.

Week two, you can only lose it at this early stage!

I think the times for next week start at 11:28, did not think to check when I dropped the sheet round.

Time bookers for next week are B MacDonald; S Brownlow; I MacGruer; I McKie and David Powell.

And what does Lily have to say?

Lily's column

Lilly's Column 9th April:
A Dreich Day on Lochgreen.
Head Nooner refuses to play with some feeble excuse about an 80th Birthday Party (his own per-chance?) or just whimped out cos a wee bit of rain!
Swedes out in front in abundance,but you know....they played at a good pace!
Lilly drawn in second 4 ball: George + Ross vs Robin + Alex MacGruer
Alex is obviously a lot tougher than his Dad,cos he is wearing a pair of jeans and a tee shirt with only a lightweight shower-proof top !
Lilly had on his usual 4 layers plus woolly hat, but I did loan Alex a spare baseball cap I had in my bag.
Hilites of the day?
Alex got 3 birdies inc one at 17th when he chipped in from off green. (I'll come back to his birdies later)
George was whinging about having a sore back on first tee,but he soon recovered with a Max Strength Ibuprofen from my bag and a promise that I would walk up +down his spine with my high heels on if he didn't feel better soon..oh,I did say we could rub "rusty nail" on his spine as well!
George and I soon found ourselves 3 up and cruising in Big Game and despite a brief come back due to Birdies we shook hands on 14th green.
In my singles match against Robin,I also found myself Dormie 4 Up on 15th tee.Games in the bag thinks Lilly!
Tax man wins 15th with par.
16th Hole: Lilly stroking,so must finish him off here? Lilly carves one into trees on right....but wait ,I find it and am thinking of taking a drop when tax git say's that I 'll have to take it back in line with pin !!!!! ie right back to tee!
Bugger that say's Lill...I'll swing thro' the brambles and over that tree back to fairway.....which I very nearly did..(but not quite and it's still in the woods). Tax says that I can now drop it a decent place (quite generous I thought) Anyway,I hack my way up the fairway for an 8 and Dormie 2 now.
Tax man full of speech play in attempt to put me off .I hit a mediocre drive down right,but with my trusty 3 wood (SOD) I fade a fine shot against the wind on to front of green,and Robin (bless him) misses green down slope on left.
Alex chips into hole (yawn)..but this inspires Tax git to chip to within 6 ft of hole.Lilly does decent putt to 2ft.
Robin sinks his putt for par....bugger! So,lill has to sink a wee short putt to win match....he gently taps it forward,so gently that it stops on very edge of hole with part of ball in mid air....I wait for it to fall in....some discussion about 10 seconds ?,so I decide I had best check the line of my next putt....I stand above ball,and I SWEAR I can see the ball is actually slowly moving....and it falls in hole !!
Gentleman Thompson shakes my hand..and I feel like a heel ! (not a high heel George) A fine sporting jesture by Robin which avoided any embarrassment.
However..to 18th tee.
What to play for on 18th? Hmmm Alex has 3 Birdies ,the rest of us have none !..I know,Alex,lets each play double or quits against you for your hard earned Birdie money! He agrees!
Suffice to say poor old wet/cold Alex drives into hillock on right,and tries to use a wood to recover....mistake..he walks off with a seven and looses hole to all of us!
Oh, I won hole with par 5, and Alex ? you walk away with nothing!
Bunker Bar Banter: George kindly writes down points/matches etc for Dave P. We're struggling to get time bookers for next week cos several of us may be away in St.Andrews . we volunteer Dave P to book for next week (again) and Iain McKee says he will come up from Ayr to book a time as well.
Charlie B and Lilly both have 35 pts but Bugger Lugs Birrell wins kitty on better last 6 holes...I knew that 16 th hole would cost me dear!!
Never mind...think that's at least 4-1 Up in our "Series" Robin ?
See you next week
Lilly
Ps Bit of gossip on 6th green..George taps ball into hole whilst holding the flag (not grounded) seemingly this also not allowed...but Robin (again) allows George score to count and to win hole !..it's a bugger all this knowing the rules but not claiming foul shots isn't it ? ignorance may not be an excuse ,but it Is Bliss !

Pos.	Name	Points
Nooners on the Lochgreen 9/4/05
1	Charlie B	35
2	Lilly P	35
3	Stevie A	34

Green Jacket

All you need do is tell Bala that you can play.

Nooner's News - 5/4/2005

Other News

Shot of the Day

I'm sure Lilly has a few things to say on this.

League hots up!

Summer league starts up, too early to read anything into that.

David's musings:

The Summer League has commenced with a good turnout. Phil Nethercote and Bill Collier share the points, but Phil gets the money. Bill started the day with the warm feeling that his handicap had gone up. Looks like it will now come down again. I did warn him.

A nice enough day but very slow, and we were in front of the visitors. Funny how slow the game feels when you are playing crap golf.
Times start at 11:30 next week, we should have six times, assuming the computer gets updated, as it was not working on Saturday.
Time bookers for next week are: C Birrell; B Collier; R MacKillop; N Rayner; G Wright and D Powell.

And what does Lily have to say?

Lily's column

Lilly's Column 2nd April:
Summer arrives on Darley !
Yes ,the Pink Jumper was not in evidence and it was shirt sleeves and baseball caps on a perfect day for golf....so no excuses on that front then.
5 groups for 5 times so a decent Kitty was available and the start of the Summer League as well.
First 4 ball
Robin T + Ross Vs Mark N + Brian MacD.
Some Swedes in front of us but we get an extra time slot and off we go.
First Hole proves to be pretty crap by all of us,and we half Big Game with best being a 6 which Brian halfed with 7 (net 6)..hmm not good gents ! But Lilly wins first in the singles tie against Mark,so not a total disaster....yet!
No delay on 2nd tee which was the only good thing about the hole...Mark wins with a 4.
3rd Hole: No delay again...well,when I say no delay...Mark decided to Drive off when the Swedes were on the green...inevitably,he creamed one to front edge of dance floor,and this prompted a showing of aggression from our Scandinavian Friends ..a Hard Stare was received which prompted much chuntering about local rules etc. Anyway Mark won the hole having 3 putted for his parr!
4th Hole: Again no delay...or there wouldn't have been but a couple of 16 yrs old louts decided to wander in front of the green just as Brian about to tee off (some would say they were safe?)
This prompted my usually calm relaxed partner to yell "oi ! get aff the fuckin golf course !"..to which the response was for them to stop and,wave two fingers!..I swear they thought about "stepping up" to Robin,but it took just one step forward from the Tax Man (think he shouted "don't even think about it ") and they vanished !
So,two holes and two lots of aggression....and on such a nice day as well !
We loose hole so we're 3 down in Big Game and I'm 2 down in singles to Mark (me and Brian are halfing every hole in 6's and sevens)
5th Hole: Robin plays really well just misses Birdie but gets parr to half hole with English Git who was stroking..tough game to win holes partner.
6th Hole : Robin parrs to half
7th Hole: Robin Birdies to Half....got the picture? Think I'm 5 down to Mark
Think we went to 4 down briefly before winning parr 3 ninth ? Whisky was poured down Marks throat on tee!...So,3 down at turn...Captain Lilly resigns, but Robin is CONVINCED we can pull them back! And we half 10th Hole (they were stroking again)
11th Hole : (S.O.D.) Robin smacks his Drive up the middle (aggresion tamed!) He then takes out a 4 iron and with pure concentration,he absolutely NAILS one at the pin..it bites on green to sit 10 ft from pin! Fantastic Shot....he JUST misses Birdie Putt ,but we win Hole and "Game On !"(2 down)
12th Hole we WIN to go 1 down. During a wee dalay on 13 th tee,the conversation turns to Swedes "fudding about"....is "fudd" a verb? Is it a noun? Or even an adjective?
13th Hole ; Back to 2 down despite every bit of speech play in my bag!
14th Hole Half? Lilly lays up to burn again ,and then chips IN to burn AGAIN !
15th Hole: We win
16th Hole : Robin and Ross on green,looks good..Mark in bunker and Brian well short
Mark gets it out to 15 ft,and Brian leaves second 8 ft short. Ross gets his 3 easily!
Robin goes for two....walks offwith 4 !!!! and English streak of misery sinks his snakey putt for 3 as well,as does Shrek MacDonald !!!!Still 0ne down
17th Hole: Welly time! And it works..4 excellent Drives ! and we half hole in 4.
18th Hole : We're dormie one down.....Robin wins hole with a parr 5 for once so it's all square! A close game with a fair result I felt.
Singles ties ? Robin halfed with Mark and beat Brian
Mark gave Ross the biggest Rodgering he's had for a while and Ross beat Brian (just)
4.5 hrs on a warm Saturday,soon be time to get the Bar BQ out!
Cheers Ross
Phil Nethercote wins Kitty with 41 pts..told you it was a good day for golfers!

Pos.	Name	Points
Nooners on the Darley 2/4/05
1	Nethercote P	40
2	Collier B	40
3	Wright G	36

No special mention for Alan Payne as his form seems to have returned to distinctly mediocre.

Green Jacket

All you need do is tell Bala that you can play.

Nooner's News - 29/3/2005

Other News

Shot of the Day

I'm sure Lilly has a few things to say on this.

League hots up!

With the end of the winter league looming rumours of extra games being played abound!

David's musings:

The Winter League is done. Tam finally gets his name on a trophy, hard pressed by Mark with Wrighty sneaking past MacGruer to take third.

Best turnout for a long time with 22 starters, so have gone for 6 time bookers next week, we were lucky to get everyone out. Five times starting at 11:30 next week. Time bookers are S Brownlow, D Ellis, P Nethercote, N Rayner, G Wright and me.

And what does Lily have to say?

Lily's column

Lilly's column..26th March.
Been a while I know but I find myself with some time today (Sun am) so ,here we go!
Big turn out:can only mean one thing,...yep,it's fine weather AND it's Lochgreen!
Lilly feeling a bit crap due to head cold and I wasn't encouraged by being told that I looked crap as well!
Anyway, I was fortunate enough to be drawn in the 3rd Four ball and the Big Match was......Nigel +Ross Vs Dave P +Steve B......a fine group of like minded nooners.
I was quietly confident as Nigel is the man in form and hey, I've been playing much better of late since I stopped using my driver ,so I pointed this out to our "oppos" on the first tee........speech play started early ! They further increased my confidence by both mis-hitting their tee-shots into rough on left......unfortunately I did the same...but it was bad enough to clear the rough and land on 18th fairway. Nigel creamed his up the middle. Whilst waiting to play my shot I was aware of a stranger next to me....."what the fuck do you want?" I enquired in a friendly tone. Turns out his ball is in the middle of 18th fairway....and that was his tee shot from Fullarton !!!!!! I asked him if he fancied playing with the nooners! Anyway,back to oor game.....I got a well deserved 5 and Easter Bunny Brownlow used his shot to half the hole...and Nigel?..hmm some worrying signs that "the old Nigel" was lurking ! (he got a 7)
2nd Hole: Two impressive Drives by Oz + Bunny (smug grins spotted) followed by Two equally impressive Drives by the good guys ("get it right up ye" may have been heard?) Oz git's 3rd from the rough on right was interesting..he over hit it way beyond the green,but it JUST stayed on Lochgreen and the down slope ever so slowly started it rolling back toward green...".Sit ya bastard" whispered lilly..but it trickled on and on and on to green ..hmmm going to be that sort of day is it? They fluke the hole with a 5 to my 6.....and Nigel?.....7.....
3rd Hole: ??????.but Nigel got a 7 !! and Oz git did a patheticically weak putt that somehow reached the edge of the hole and with it's last gasp of air fell in! we woz robbed
4th Hole: We're all in usual positions....around bottom of hill Oz thins his badly so it should be in the bunkers (he-he) Lilly thins his as well! And in the spirit of the nooners so do Steve and Nigel......but we ALL get on/around the green! Half
5th Hole: Nigel looks favourite with a stroke,but Oz man does a majestic 3rd to 4 ft and fluked the putt to half hole...he just loves an audience doesn't he?
6th Tee; a wee delay here....game in front seems to involve plenty caber-tossing we note with interest. Steve's Tee shot was a howler....sclaffed off to left bushes oooooh 20 yds? He just loves making an exhibition of himself! Lilly CREAMS a 5 wood with a bit of draw to heart of green......a thing of (rare) beauty...I try to play it down though so as not to discourage the opposition ! Nigel? First tee shot into bushes on right,re-load,repeat process !! Lilly points out that Nigel Raynor's initials are N/R, but he finds both balls anyway! I wimp out of the two and leave it worryingly short, but we win hole with a 3 YES. :
7th hole:...apart from skying my drive it's a blur
8th Hole: boringly good play by all...green a bit scarey
9th Hole: Oz has a half hearted attempt to hit the road,but no fun there on this occasion.
10th Tee: David kindly offers a wee McCallan which we all enjoy. Lilly CREAMS a 5 wood to heart of green again......deja vue? JUST misses the two..scarey pin position but bugger lugs Brownlow gets half. To The Loop men ! we're two down somehow...could be cos easter bunny has 18 points?
11th Hole; lilly slags off Dave and Steve for slapping their Drives and says that they'll never hit green in two from there....and promptly sclaffs his own "drive" on to 14 th...bollocks! Shot of Day here? Dave'creams his second .....yes you're right...on to green off the right edge slope to within 10 ft....credit where it's due....jammy bastard! (3 down)
12 th Hole; a blur
13 th hole; " right Nigel we need to start winning holes" "I'm going to give this one some welly" and I hook it viscously into beech trees on the left: reload-grrrrr,,,,,, smash! Almost reached that wee sapling on edge of tee!!!!. But,david finds my first under the tree.....I take out my trusty old friend The Five Iron.....SMASH.....dead beech nuts are sprayed around the fairway,the ball scoots out....and on the follow through swing...the shaft hits the branch,and,as I later discover.....splits the metal and bends the shaft! 4 Down.
14th Hole; Half
15th hole; Oz git hits the green,but after our second shots Lilly is closer (he's such a whoose that David isn't he?...just cos he had a downhill putt on a concrete green he dolly's it short...or was it long I can't bloody remember......but with his third ,he did the classic "dying swan" putt again this time in the side door! Game Over!
16th Hole......£1 on the bye gents? Yes,why not! After my second I'm on right edge by bushes/out of bounds (new ) and I ask Steve whether it's a 5 or a 6 Iron from here....5 he says...out comes The 5 Iron which to my horror has been vandalised by the opposition !!!! maybe it's a 6 iron then says Easter bunny !!! ha bloody ha ! Nigel gets half
17th hole:....half again
18th Hole: 4 good drives...but nigels is so good it catches bunker on right. He checks it out....thinks carefully and decides to "pick it off" with a good 4 iron.......he does a FANTASTIC "air-shot" and Easter Bunny and lilly just can't contain themselves anymore...it's a guffaw moment which in my state nearly choked me coughing!!! BUT,he creams his second attempt and walks off with a 6. as did myself and steve......Powell?...sneaky Australian..on green in three,two putts and he wins hole with a five.....another £1 gone ! A fine way to spend the day though.,.thoroughly enjoyed the rodgering Thanks Guys.
Popped into Pro Shop.....£25 for new shaft.....Expensive Day.....never mind,just take it out of my winnings Gordon.
Bacon roll anyone?
All the best
Lilly

Pos.	Name	Points
Nooners on the Lochgreen 26/3/05
1	McKie I	37
2=	Thompson R	36
2=	Aird S	36

No special mention for Alan Payne as his form seems to have returned to distinctly mediocre.

Green Jacket

All you need do is tell Bala that you can play.

Nooner's News - 22/3/2005

Other News

Shot of the Day

One shot of the day, if I'm not mistaken it is number 3 for Mr MacGruer, every one is special though, an ace for Ian on the 16th of the Darley. Clearly going to the gee gees with Gabe has enhanced his luck (if not his fortune).

League hots up!

With the end of the winter league looming rumours of extra games being played abound!

David's musings:

Another change at the top, Tam goes back into the lead. Ian, despie an ace and a two, could only manage 25 and now needs 31 points to tie and is looking for company to make up a game on Friday, Mark needs 35 points while Wrighty only needs 37. All of this assumes that Tam cannot do better than 30 points on Lochgreen. In the meantime, Lily sneaks up and wins the kitty, not many drinks to buy since Ian Mac had already watered everyone after his ace at the 16th, so there were no moans about how much he'd won. (Mind you that was after he'd checked!!). Suggested that big Al should make his own contribution. I don't have time to give an adequate account of his 14 at the 11th. Was it four putts or five? (Sorry, did I doze off??) We have five times next week, starting at 11:49. Time bookers are T Bala; S Brownlow; R MacKillop; A Payne and me.

Hints and tips for Alan Payne on the back of a postcard please, although I suspect there may be quite a list!

Pos.	Name	Points
Nooners on the Darley 19/3/05
1	MacKillop R	34
2=	Brownlow S	33
2=	Birrell C	33
4	Payne A (eh?)	31
Special mention
Eh, Alan gets a decent number of points with a 14 on his card?

Green Jacket

All you need do is tell Bala that you can play.

Nooner's News - 15/3/2005

Other News

Shot of the Day

David points out some brief highlights.

League gets more interesting, 2 games to go!

David's musings:

Not much time again. Not totally sure of how many times we have next week, at least four starting at 11:30. A few people missed out on Saturday turning up for the later times to find everyone got out early. Time bookers for next week are C Birrell; B MacDonald; E Murray; P Nethercote and me. A chilly gale blowing made conditions quite fun, with the wind strong enough to blow balls uphill on the green. Certainly fooled Tam on the second, putting across the green (for eagle) expecting the ball to swing right with the slope, only to see it go the other way. And that was the way the day went for some of us. Not the same for Peter and Brian, who managed to turn in 34 points, both out in 20, but the back nine was a different story. Brian had a bit of a hiccup on 9,10 and 11, only scoring a point, but recovered to net 13 from then on. Pete on the other hand, had a good first three holes, but seemed to run out of steam the further he went. Brian's kitty and I had the pleasure of two handicap reductions. Mark has gone back into the lead, still five people with a chance at the title.

The Eagle has landed!

Many of you will have seen the mysterious appearance of the Eagle newsletter in the clubhouse. Nobody knows who the Eagle is but we know that he fights for a good cause. The council have been allowed to be complacent too long, we must now voice our displeasure at the way the council has been acting to our public ameniety, complaining to the council in numbers is the only way to get through. The Eagle is fronting a campaign to highlight the neglect by the council, listen to his plea to send letters to the council and hopefully we can change something.

From the Monkey's point of view if the council come back quoting that they are putting a lot of money into other leisure then it is fairly easy to take issue with them, as I compete in most every sport and see no involvement from the wonderful South Ayrshire, East and North are streets ahead on these fronts.

For those of you who haven't seen it yet, here is the Eagle's second newsletter, very entertaining.

2nd Eagle Newsletter

Pos.	Name	Points
Nooners on the Darley 12/3/05
1	MacDonald B	34
2	Roebuck P	34
3	MacKillop R	31
3	Murray E	31
Special mention
Not last (makes a change)	Payne A	26

Form coming back then Alan?

Green Jacket

All you need do is tell Bala that you can play.

Nooner's News - 8/3/2005

Other News

Shot of the Day

David points out some brief highlights.

League gets more interesting, 3 games to go!

David's musings:

Times are split again next week; two from 11:49 and three from around 12:20. There has been some debate on "rights" for teeing off times. As far as I am aware the only rule that applies for time bookers is that they are guaranteed a game in the event of too many people turning up. Outside of that, no other privileges exist, if they did, do people really think that I would be out last for 6 weeks on the trot.
Time bookers for next week are: T Bala; D Ellis; I MacGruer; R MacKillop and N Rayner.
The League table gets more interesting and tighter. Conditions on Saturday very difficult for some, but a piece of cake for Robin who took the kitty with 33 points. Well done, a handicap reduction duly applied. Made me feel better. Gabe turned out as promised, which was great. A little bit rusty, as he lost money. Put a smile on Lily's face and it's a long time since I got a quid off him.

Pos. Name Points

Nooners on the Lochgreen 26/2/05

1 Thomson R 33

2 MacKillop R 31

3 Woods N 31

Special mention

Ouch - last again Payne A 13

Who'd have thought Alan could do so well!

Green Jacket

All you need do is tell Bala that you can play.

Nooner's News - 1/3/2005

Other News

Shot of the Day

David points out some brief highlights.

League really hots up in the last month.

The week the council changed the flags on the course from winter greens in the morning to proper greens in the late morning to afternoon. This means that the St. Meddans competition was immediately voided. Another fine example of the council looking after the interests of the local golfer, in truth who did this move benefit? - the council who can claim more time on the proper greens.

With regards to the council's attitude and Brian's current investigation into their golfing practices, Brian offers this satirical photoshop piece:

David's musings:

The race is on. Tam gets his nose in front, but only just, MacGruer is only a point behind, slightly miffed at getting cut but not winning the money. Can we see a new definition for "visitor" on the horizon?
Anyway, Bunton sneaks into town for couple of weeks and runs off with the money. Tam's seven birdies makes sure that everyone is out of pocket, his 34 points enough to sneak the lead.
Rumour has it that Gabe is threatening to come out again and show the "youngsters" how to play. You have been warned.
Times next week are split again due to Welbeck ladies and someone getting ahead of us in the queue, so first time is 11:49 with two slots together and three slots at around 12:20. Time bookers are S Brownlow, D Ellis, B MacDonald, A Payne and G Wright.

Pos. Name Points

Nooners on the Lochgreen 26/2/05

1 Bunton G 37

2 MacGruer I 36

3 Wright G 35

Special mention

Mid-table Payne A 27

Who'd have thought Alan could do so well!

Green Jacket

All you need do is tell Bala that you can play.

Nooner's News - 19/2/2005

Other News

Shot of the Day

Read David's report for shots of the day.

A nice day out? - points don't suggest so!

What was wrong on Saturday, a 40 mile cycle and 7.5 mile run suggest to me that there was nothing wrong with the weather, it appears that you folks struggled a bit.

Watch out for minutes of the St. Meddans A.G.M. on the St. Meddans A.G.M. they'll be there soon.

David's musings:

Bit of a shambles and general confusion this week. Only four times but they are all over the place due to Welbeck Ladies and some block booking. Hence we have two times at 11:14, one time at 11:49 and finally 12:25.
Time bookers for next week are G Bunton; B Collier; I MacGruer, N Rayner and me.
Lilly takes the money on a cold and low scoring day with only 31 points and then has the cheek to moan about how much profit he made. That's the problem with having consecutive times, everyone is still there when it comes to buying a drink. Nice to see Gerry Bunton back, been a long time since he's graced our company.
The battle at the top of the table is getting tight, three points separate the top three with a few dark horses lurking in the background. Final month coming up.
Have decided that it must be Bill Collier causing the problems, we were not playing together this week (Bill managed to get into an earlier group, while I was in my usual position at the back) and I won with Mark and Bill lost. The strain of carrying big Al finally got to Brian MacD to allow us a comfortable victory. Mind you Alan's tee shot on the 14th must be a candidate for shot of the day. Having managed to win a hole (to stop us winning 6 and 6) big Al steps forward and launches his ball low and right into the bushes, strikes something solid and shoots straight up in the air and disappears back into the gorse. Half expected him to find it. It was that sort of day, nothing else had gone right.

Pos. Name Points

Nooners on the Darley 12/2/05

1 McKillop R 31

2 MacGruer I 30

3 Birrell C 30

Special mention

Last Payne A 13

Getting better Mr Payne! ;o)

Green Jacket

All you need do is tell Bala that you can play.

Nooner's News - 12/2/2005

Other News

Shot of the Day

Not much to tell and given the scoring this is probably true!

Wild on the Darley

A wild day on the Darley, purists were licking their lips, Nooners were cowering in the Bunker. Not much to tell this week, fist up club matters:

Troon St. Meddans A.G.M.

Please make every effort to attend the St. Meddans AGM in the Bunker, 7pm on the 16th of February, if you don't make it along then you lose your right to complain about club affairs for the whole year. Don't say you haven't been warned. Order of business is available on the club web-site: www.troonstmeddansgolfclub.com

David's musings:

We have five times next week starting at 11:14 and they are all together. My mistake last week, when I mistakenly assumed that because we had five times, they must be consecutive. Wrong!!
Time bookers for next week are T Bala; C Birrell; B MacDonald; G Wright and me (DP).
Have looked into Neil Woods position and if there are no objections I propose to adopt a similar position to the October rule for December, i.e. take the lowest January score to count for Niel's December score. (31 points).
Not a brilliant day on Saturday, as can be seen from the scores. The early groups started in pouring rain and the wind never let up at all. This must have been the cause of the slow round, over four and a half hours. At one point Charlie B was wondering if we would even see the second half of the rugby. Much to the delight of the waiting crowd, Collier and Powell managed to salvage defeat from the jaws of victory, three up with four to play and lost. Bill's so fed up he's going to Oz for two weeks to get away from it all. Just to make sure the misery of the day was complete, Peter Roebuck goes and wins the money with 32 points, so no handicap reduction. All that was left to round off the day was to watch Scotland get beaten again. Has anybody got some good news?

Pos. Name Points

Nooners on the Darley 12/2/05

1 Roebuck P 32

1 Collier B 29

3 Birrell C 26

Special mention

Last Payne A 11

Nice play Payne! ;o)

Nooner's News - 8/2/2005

Other News

Shot of the Day

Not much to tell and given the scoring this is probably true!

Neill Woods makes bold bid to not be last

Not many stories this week, a bit of a write up from DP keeps things in some way interesting, thanks DP. I think I'll be quiet, still a little bitter about the rugby. Take it away Dave:

Normal service is resumed next week when we have all of our times together. First time 11:14. Time bookers for next week are: B Collier; R MacKillop; E Murray; N Woods and me.
Neil Woods takes the money with 37 points. You would have thought that on proper greens and reasonable weather that the scores would have been better. Those of us in the later groups could have the slow play as an excuse. If my game was anything to go by, I managed conjure up disasters and calamities from the middle of the fairway. Not quite as bad as Ross, who was managed four N/R's in a row and beginning wonder why he was out. That is until the 17th, when Mark began to tire of carrying him for 15 or so holes, up pops Ross with a par to win the match. Bill Collier is looking to be drawn with anyone else but me in future. Getting whipped two weeks in a row is proving too hard to take.
Not enough time to have a rant about the four ball that held up the whole course. Visitors that would have found Fullarton difficult, one of the women in the group hit five balls from the 14th tee before she got one in play and had to get the ball in the hole before she finished. Happy bunnies not.

And a small update from Lily:

Having N/R'd at 9th,10th,11th, and been carried by Mark most of the day I think the best thing to do with my column this week is to N/R.
Hilites? parred 1st.........parred17th,and 18th !!!! In between?
CRAP.

Mark+Lilly Beat Bill C+DaveP
B.S.O.D ? Bill C off first tee.....when I say "off"...it was only just!
Cheers Lilly

Pos. Name Points

Nooners on the Lochgreen 5/2/05

1 Woods N 37

1 Norman M 34

3 Collier B 30

Nooner's News - 29/1/2005

Other News

Shot of the Day

I'm sure Ross's extended column will disclose some shots of the day.

More points for Tam, Graeme ties the lead.

39 points, always controversial and a couple of folks were avoiding the automatic cut on Saturday. The league must be hotting up with all the scoring going on! Anyway, first up DP's reports on times.

Tam and Wrighty top the points. Tam gets the money and Wrighty gets cut. Wrighty has now been cut three times and is still to get the kitty (I can feel the sympathy oozing). But for a minor cock-up on the 12th things might have been different for yours truly.
Times for next week are split again; two from 10:10 and three from 11:42. Need to get in the queue a bit earlier to get the 11:30 times.
Time bookers are: S Brownlow; B Collier; B MacDonald; N Rayner and me.

All Graeme had to say about the result of his game with DP was the following:
Reuters Sat 16:00 Troon:-Anzac goes down 6/5.......6/5.......6/5.........6/5.

Apparently there is some history between Wrighty and DP, Wrighty claims that if he beats DP again he'll get to keep him.

Lily's column

Lilly's Late/Early Column:
I'm typing this on Sat morning 29th Jan....first of all apologies to those who read my column on a regular basis....I'm finding it hard to find the time at the moment,and something has to give!....so no column last week.
However, I find myself with a few mins to spare BEFORE the golf this week,hence the article.
Last weeks golf?
Raynor + Roebuck Vs MacDonald+ Mackillop
Or Two "R"s's (pronounced "Arses") Vs Double Macs
Darley was the venue on a bright frosty morning on winter greens.
The pulling of the cards ceremony in itself was entertaining as from 11 cards,the 4 pulled first just happened to be the 4 folk who were watching the proceedings! (honest gov.)
So,to battle : and Big Macs are against the The man in form (Nigel) and Yorkie himself.
The highlights?
3rd hole saw Nigel on bank of burn with Lilly beside him,Brian had laid up and only Yorkie had cleared the River Ganges and they went one up.
4th hole saw Brian over at 14th Green,Me in crap on right and they won hole (I acknowledge Nigel giving me a generous "rabbit scrape")
5th Hole; Brian is in Grand Canyon the rest are all safely over. Lilly creams a five wood with a draw and it MUST be near the hole he thinks (rewarded for a brave shot he says smugly!)....B******D !!!! it reached the bunker,but no worries,he plays a delicate shot out to 5 ft from hole so the half looks on even with them getting a stroke aye right, after a dubious second Nigel sticks his third to one foot and sinks putt..3 Down....how is this happening Brian and I are playing ok and we're 3 down..can you sense some frustration?
We manage net pars over next few holes to keep halfing with little chance of pulling them back so we're still 3 down on 9th tee where we enjoy a rusty Nail from Bala in the group behind...surely that will help?
My superbe tee shot on 9th trickles into bunker !!!! and we find ourselves 4 Down.
Nigel has 20 pts off his reduced handicap and Peter has 19.
B.Mac sacks Lilly who has 16 pts despite Brian only having 9 pts himself.
However,Brian says it's all about Leadership so we'll see what happens.
10th Hole Skip Macdonald has a two foot cross slope putt for the WIN...Nigel offers a "gimmie" (Brian has n/r'd) but Peter shows his true Yorkshire meaness and makes him putt it....we half the hole.
Ross wins 11th, Brian wins 12th,and Peter points out that they haven't won yet! Too true Yorkie,and Lilly wins 13th even giving them a stroke.
Skip Mac Donald takes the 14 th in style and it's all square....YES and no strokes left.
We half 15th (just)
16th Hole; Lilly looks favourite when he uses the old 6 iron to stick his second to 2 inches,when Bloody Nigella gets his putter out from 20 feet and holes it for a two and somehow we're down again!
17th : Half
18th Nigel out of it and lilly is in good shape after two fine hits. Peter also ok tho' but we both try to chip and run to pin....but the frost has melted....and we both chip with nae run!
Lilly takes 6 iron to 6 inches (looking good) and Peter goes 4 feet past ( Yes)
But without hesitating Yorkie walks up and sinks his putt to half hole and win match..what a bloody spoil-sport!
Great game and good fun with some decent golf as well on a pleasant day.
Nigel was winner of those left after Charlie had gone so he got the drinks in but Chalie sent his boy round to collect the kitty.
Bala got a hole in one which he was being modest about (either that or he was avoiding buying us a drink!)
Cheers Lilly
Ps The £21 from Nooners lift went into the GSK Charity night for Tsunami Appeal and GsK matched all contributions on the night so that was a good investment...we raised over £8000 in a week by the way which was pretty good I thought.
Oops time I was getting ready for todays golf....
Lilly's Hot Off The Course column !!!
29th Jan report 16;27 hrs
Well ,another great day out with The Nooners....blue sky a bit of sun ,a good game,a few drinks,chips,banter and we won our 4 ball as well.
Todays 4 ball?
Ross + Tam Vs Nigel (again) +Paul B.
Strange conditions today...frosty and firm in places yet soft and squidgy in others (bit like myself really!)
Just as well In Form Nigel was not paired with Oor Tam today,as both were playing really well.
Tam got 4 birdies,and only had one bogey (15th) all day and ended up with 42 pts off 3 handicap (39 off scratch Nooners h/cap)
Both Tam and Nigel had 23 pts to the turn....Paul and I enjoyed some convivial conversation.
The big match was nip and tuck with "Them" managing to half holes which we (well Tam) was birdying or parring with all the strokes they were getting (Paul getting 16 strokes)
First Blood went to Them at 3rd and we halfed every other hole until 9th which I finally contributed to so all square at turn.
We win 10 they win 11..get the picture?
But,they finally show signs of cracking and we take 12 and 13 and 15 for dormie and we shake hands on 16th green.
Tam was driving up to his usual best,but Nigel continues to Cream his Drives and his putting was deadly as well again. Is this the same "Loopy" Golfer we Know and love? Is it hell !!! This is one dangerous dude off 18 h/cap.

Bunker Banter:
I gave George Guthrie his Summer League Trophy at long last..note Bala Jnr ;it was highly polished !!
George decided he would bugger off before everyone else arrived so he wouldn't have to buy everyone a drink! (I promised to keep this a secret tho' so don't tell anyone ..ok?) So he joins Paul Kerr in the Nooners "Anals" of history for not buying a drink!
I thought we would be getting a freebie off Bala for his hole in one last week but again NO !
Still, Tam won the kitty with 39 nooner points (as did wrighty) so we had to make do with that free drink!
In the fashion parade,Alan P was sporting a blue diamond fronted jumper,his pal Gino (from Italy) was wearing what looked like an Afghan Rug pattern affair,which made Primrose McGuires jolly yellow jumper look quite normal I thought!
I noted that the 3 ball of Big Al +Gino +Brian Mac had fallen out as they sat on different tables in the bunker!
Steve B on the other hand was being very sociable..having been out with the 10 o'clock crew was still there when the 11:30 crew left..and was supping up every extra /free drink going (he looked like he was there for the night!)
Think that's all from me this week.
I'm out at neighbours tonight for quiet conversation and Fondeau which seemed to amuse my uncouth nooner colleagues (that's about 20 of them)
Time for the Four "Sh's"...Shower,Shampoo,Shave etc
See you next week on Darley
Lilly The Pink

Pos.	Name	Points
Nooners on the Darley 22/1/05
1	McGuire T	39
1	Wright G	39
3	Powell D	38

Monkey's Random

While you guys were having a laugh on the course I was doing what is apparently the toughest assault course in the world, an 8ish mile run followed by what is known as "The Killing Fields" a fantastic assault course. Tough Guy is shown on Transworld Sport, so I'll let you know when it is on. Links for this event can be seen on: Official race web-site Andy's photos of the day

Nooner's News - 24/1/2005

Other News

Shot of the Day

No need for too much looking for this one this week.

Bala knocked down his tee shot on the 16th of the Darley towards the winter green, the group on the 17th tee didn't see too much of it, but apparently it ended up in the bottom of the hole. A popular hole to ace (Monkey did it a couple of year's ago). Bala will make sure everyone is lubricated next week (or at least I am told.

Bala's Ace Negates rest of day's play.

Well done Bala, how many is that now? 3 aces? At least, I can remember one that he had on the 9th of the Darley, quite an incredible shot and now he has had another. Excellent stuff, there isn't much that gives you a bigger lift than a holed shot, I should know as a veteren of 4 HIO. Only really David's stories of the week, suspect Lilly is a busy bunny.

Next week's times are split again. Two from 10:04 and three from 11:28.
Time bookers for next week are T Bala, I MacGruer, R MacKillop, N Rayner and me. We will be going back to the normal times from now as there should be enough daylight (provided people don' t dawdle).
On a chilly but sunny day, not much wind for a change, the morning group managed to wangle an extra time (and Phil was on the desk) but left Tam stranded by sending three ball put first. Anyway, we had Birrell winning the kitty and Bala making the headlines with a hole in one at the 16th. It would have been nice to be able to describe the event, but unfortunately with the temporary green in action we could only see the top of the flag. The outcome was only discovered after unsuccessfully searching everywhere else for Bala's ball. Sort of took some of the excitement out it.
Judging by the scores, conditions must have been a bit better for the earlier groups, because it seemed to vary more as bits of the course started to thaw, and the ball either stopped dead or took huge bounces. Anyway, well done Charlie, now off 9 (Don't like this only cutting by one stuff!!!) and Bala will be organising a wee drink to celebrate his ace.

Pos. Name Points

Nooners on the Darley 22/1/05

1 Birrell C 37

2= Rayner N 35

2= Woods N 35

3= Bala T 33

3= McKillop R 33

3= Collier B 33

Nooner's News - 18/1/2005

Other News

Shot of the Day

See Ross's and David's bits for this.

Powell makes a nasty mistake.

Lessons to be learned, never win the sweep with 33 points, what was he thinking? David tells us what he was thinking (probably not much):

Split times next week, too far down the queue to get the earlier times, so we have one time at 10:25 and three from11:28. Ian McKie would like to go out early, so if anyone wants to join him, reply on the Forum.
Time bookers for next week are: T Bala, B MacDonald, N Rayner, G Wright and me. Wrighty has requested special commendation, since this will be his third week on the trot to book a time. Mind you, not sure if getting a 12:00 tee time really counts!
Modesty permits that, in difficult conditions, the Head Nooner screwed up and won the kitty with 33 points. Should have had 35 or 36, but the greenside bunker on the 18th jumped in front of my ball and did not want give it back. So instead of a 5 or a 6 (more likely), I walked off with quite a few more and nil points. Must say there a few finely judged 32 point scores. Funny really, Wrighty never looked as though he was managing his score, but was very nice with his encouragement for me to win the points.
At least me being cut two strokes made one or two people happy, judging by the huge grins on their faces as the scores came in.

Pos. Name Points

Nooners on the Lochgreen 15/1/05

1 Powell D 33

2= Roebuck P 32

2= Woods N 32

2= Wright G 32

Lily's column

Lilly's Column: 15th Jan.
Hey,it's Saturday again and thankfully the course is open! Even better,the week it was closed was The Darley,so we're on Lochgreen.
Weather forecast was crap,but 16 of us turn up all in desperate need for our "fix" of golf/banter/chips+cheese!
First 4 Ball drawn
Ross +Paul B Vs Ian MacG +Phil N
After some decent Drives on first (Ian on 18th mind) Ross has a 18 inch putt to Win the hole......but we Halfed it !...sign of things to come? Or perhaps get the missed putt out of the way early?
Ian +Phil win Second with 7's !!! (they didn't even appear to be embarrassed)
Paul uses his stroke well to win third though.
On the fourth into the hurricane wind,Ian plays a lovely 4 iron second on to green and gets his first birdie of day.
But Paul again uses his stroke well at 5th to win hole and remarkably it's still all square.
I say remarkably cos Lilly is Not Driving well,his fairway woods are shocking and his putting has got steadily worse since the first!!! Poor old Paul hasn't even burst out laughing at me it's so bad!
The short 6th sees them go one up which they hang on to at 7th (Ian putting for birdie but misses)
8th Hole : Ian Drives to edge of green ,sticks his first putt to 8 inches and gets his second Birdie...2 down.
9th Hole sees Phil with a lovely N.I.T.B.Y. opportunity which I'm delighted to report he seized .(unfortunately it was GUR but it got a guffaw from Paul and Me anyway!)
10th Hole: lilly hits a fine 4 iron off tee but is SOOOO unlucky to end up in bunker on left...grrr.....even worse,when I get up to it ,the bunker has obviously had serious water in it recently but has drained enough to leave the sand completely flat/hard /compacted, apart from where my ball is lying in some arse holes "divoty thing"
Captain Barton (he sacked me on tee) tells me to putt it out as the sand is so hard.....which I try and wow! It rolls up the bunker face into the air and stops 4 ft from pin......Ian suggests it is better than my normal sand shots but nominates this as S.O .D. (Shot of Day for those with short memories)...even better I sink the putt for a fine par...one of the few on my card.
Into The Loop we go still 2 down,and we know we must make our charge now! And we come out of the loop 4 down ! but it's not raining!
We shake hands on 15th Green.
Not much else to report: Ian lost his ball on 16th into trees,but Phil was putting for birdie (gets par) In fact Phil was putting as badly as me!
On 17th Ian hits a fine drive up the middle which we never find???? Very strange? And Paul wins hole for "The bye" to go all square.
We half 18th as well.
3 hrs 55mins for the round,no rain,but we're buying the drink+food.
19th Hole; We present Bala with bottle of drambuie for his services to lottery,but more importantly for providing rusty nails at vital moments (I could have done with one today old lad!)
Because of Ian MacG and my incredible shopping skills I still have £21 left in the collection and it was agreed that we donate this cash to the Asian disaster fund which I will do....Thanks for that guys.
That's all from me,see you next week on Darley.
Lilly

Nooner's News - 3/1/2005

Other News

Shot of the Day

Woohoo, tonnes to stick in here today, is it Wrighty's drive on the first? Bill's big putt on 13? Ian hitting the flag on the 10th (but missing the birdie)?

Nope, 13 putts on the front nine for the Monkey, he just couldn't miss, I bet Wrighty wishes that he knew my secret!

MacGruer makes early bid for league!

No Saturday golf again for the chaps but a spot of Monday golf and very well attended too, 15 of us out for a game on the Lochgreen, a bit wet underfoot in parts but the greens seemed to run OK for January. Despite what seemed like a strong wind it hardly affected the ball's flight during the game, a testement to this was the monkey's approach to 17 which did not move a yard across what seemed to be a hoolie.

Ian decided enough was enough with his pussyfooting around in the league and went for the jugular, in fact the "January Jugular". He claimed afterwards that there was no doubt that he would make 41 points if not more, and given that he only managed one birdie in his 41 points, you've got to think that he left some points out on the course somewhere.

So Ian is the first to show his hand in the league, maybe the threat from Nigel was playing on his mind.

The Monkey made a rare appearance to the golf course, it was quite good fun and he hopes to have as much fun in 3 months time, his next scheduled round of golf. The Webmonkey showed all of his array of fine greenside skills and even hit some nice drives, it was all a bit of a surprise for someone who hadn't touched a club since the hangover trophy. It was also nice to see the Nooners.

In the Monkey's game, the Monkey went off into an early lead getting through the 7th hole 2 under par, that's scratch for you higher handicappers. From that point he had had his fun and consistently fell backwards, 21 points out 15 back. Wrighty didn't seem to play well, but 20 points out and 16 back saw him home with 36 points (could've been 50 if he had the same number of putts as the Monkey), Bill Gunn was right out of the game to start off, only 15 points out but a storming back 9 (with a disappointing bogey - bogey finish) saw him back in 21 points for 36 points as well. An amicable end to proceedings and with Ian making his 41 points I think all contenders in the winter league were quite happy.

Apparently David and Ian almost had a "dog's license" over Brian and Ross, but we are yet to hear the story from Lily to have this confirmed. Ian explained the Dog's license used to cost 7 and 6 and that he only managed a 7 and 5 victory. We await to hear lily's confirmation of this event. David tells of next week:

Only three confirmed times for next Saturday, starting at 10:10. We should have had four times, but Margaret forgot to make my booking or booked the wrong day. However, I have been assured that Phil will gives us a fourth time if necessary.

Pos. Name Points

Nooners on the Lochgreen 3/1/05

1 MacGruer I 41

2= Gunn B 36

2= Wright G 36

2= Kerr A 36

Reports of much frivolity following the golf at the MacDonald's house and photos to prove it. Quoting Brian:

Ian macGruer has been boasting that he is, by a considerable margin, the most supple nooner. After a few drams at my house he decided to demonstrate his suppleness, surprising for a man his age.

Judge for yourselves:

The above captioned "The Highland Masonic Putting Stoke"

Another suggested caption "Checking the putting line"

So a caption competition for the above, number them 1 to 5 from top to bottom and put your answers up on the forum, best caption will win personal pride and respect from the Nooners.

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Lily's column - 15/7/06

Lilly`s Column 8th July 06:

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A.G.M.

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Darley Dumplins:

A.G.M. - This week 7 p.m. in the bunker!

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Lilly's Column; 11th Feb

Enjoy, we've got loads this week:

Last quote as vice captain:

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Lilly's Column 4th Feb.

Action packed, with shots of day too!

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Lilly's Column: 28th Jan.

Lilly column only this week

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Lilly's Column: 21st Jan.

Lilly column and DP's musings...

Here we go, stories all round this week.

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Lilly's Column: 14th Jan.

6th Hole.

Another short report

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It's all in Lilly's column this week.

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Brief highlights this week

Brief highlights this week

Lilly column and DP's musings...

Shame it is a week late, but here is last week's news

Lily's column

DP takes money, no cuts anywhere!

Tam takes money again.

Monkey do's

Open day sees split in the Nooners.

Lily's column

Plucky Aussies hang on for draw...

Lily's column

Monkey do's

Where were you all?

Lily's column

Tam wins money again?

Lily's column

Lilly's Bit 30th July:

Glad ­rags and Hand-bags.....Sand-bags Would be better !!

Monkey do's

Play from whichever tees you fancy guys!

Lily's column

Lilly's Brief- 23rd July

Monkey do's

Tiger away so the mice play!

Lily's column

Lill's back from "gay Toronto"

Monkey do's

Browncow takes the money!

Monkey do's

Wrighty takes the money (despite his short game!)

Green Jacket - 1/7/05

Wrighty has a collapse!

Lily's column

Hot and Steamy On Lochgreen 18th June:

The Monkey's Highland Cross

Tam takes revenge

Lily's column

Lilly's Painful Column: 11th June: WHAM BAM THANK YOU TAM !!!

Heavy scoring - Tam with 6 birdies loses out to Aird

Lily's column

Four people play with the Nooners.

Duathlon Madness

Tam makes birdies for fun.

"Any birdies?" - Peter walks away with the cash.

Vet gets slashed, talk about role reversal!

Wrighty takes the money, who'd have thought.

Record low turnout in Summer league? Is it a foregone conclusion? Wrighty wins?

Glad rags and Hand-bags.....Sand-bags Would be better !!