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Still awaiting for the first master peace of News for our retired members,
Nooner's News - Roxburghe 2008 And so it came to pass….the third annual Nooners trip to join our landed gentry friends at lord Roxburgh`s country seat. And what a lovely seat it is ! As predicted by Rossco, right from the start the “plans”
of our organisers were changed the However, I stand corrected and the Saab arrives on time with a bleary eyed George at the wheel and all`s well as we set off at speed. “What route shall we take George ?” asks Rossco……”I don`t know “ he replies..””just tell me where to go and I`ll go that way”…oh…right err just head for A70 then and I`ll study the map to sort out the later stages ! map ? no map in the car ! okay ..you must have a sat-nav in this fine car then George ? err.. no.. “I thought you`d been before” says GG. George , the last time I went I was so hungover the last thing on my mind was the route….all I can tell you is …it was bloody twisty + windy !!! Anyway…keep going and we`ll sort something out on the way…George suggests we stop for bacon roll + coffee and buy a map….very good George…that should add at least half an hour to journey time. I`m sure we`ll pick up road signs and I know that we head for Moffat then Selkirk and I`ll call Mark Norman on the mobile for directions from there ! As part of my preparation for the trip, my good lady, Gill, on finding out that I might be sharing a room with GG, has bought me 3 pairs of ear plugs as GG is a well known Fred Flintstone snorrer ,as I`ve witnessed before. You see it`s those wee touches that that help we professional golfers ! The weather forecast looks fab for the Thurs and crap for the Fri so plenty shoes/waterproofs /socks/Y fronts etc are also packed ! As we approach J15 on M74 we note the word Moffat on a sign so I ask Mark if J15 is the best route ?…..fech knows mate…we`re coming from Edinburgh direction using a sat-nav…I explain our situation and I can hear Steven pishing himself in Marks car at our predicament !….just take this turn George…they`re about as much use as a chocolate tea-pot ! Anway..I recognise the Selkirk turn just as we get to Moffat…..my memory reminds me that this is the most twisty road on the planet as GG shows me how fast this Saab can go round corners and hump back bridges ( fortunately I had ZERO red wine the night before….preparation !!!) We avoid the pheasants and apart from scaring the shit out of a few sheep..and Rossco…we get to Selkirk in one piece and ahead of schedule…just go straight through Selkirk George..it`s a bit twisty but stay on this road…..the next minute we`re about to go straight on at a bend/junction when we should go round to right….we screech to a halt sideways in front of a car just when a police car comes the other way !….we wave our apologies to the other drivers and carry on…I try Mark again ok , Mark so we`re on the A 699 ? signed to Jedborough….then what ?…don`t know mate….we don`t have a map!!!!fucks sake ! keep going George..we`ll pick up signs somewhere ! Anyway….apart from a detour up a narrow country lane..we do eventually pick up signs and apart from smacking the car sump of the speed hump at the hotel…we arrive by 9am….pretty good ! We decide to check in to hotel first under the name of MacDonald so we can get the bridal suite before he does….but we find rooms are pre-allocated and the pleasant receptionist informs us we have a “luxury” room…..for the same price…..fantastic we think…hang on did you say say “luxury DOUBLE ???” “err yes…is that not what you want ?” (I blame George`s peach coloured sweater !!) I suggest in my deepest/macho voice that while George might be a raving homosexual and am of course hetero man personified !!!! she agrees to put us in a luxury twin ! She then asks if we `ve brought our wellies ? do the sheep resist so much here ? I assure her that my gortex suit is all we need ! We get shown to our room……but find that it is also a double ! the porter promises to sort it asap !
We join Mark+ Steve in bar and I order coffee and bacon roll for six…as Bala + Peter arrive whilst waiting, young Aird spots the previous party of “trainee green-keeper” have left two bacon rolls…..so we scoff them before they return ! Lager and Gunness is then ordered for GG, SA, MN !!…preparation etc !!!! Glynn, Eric,Brian and young Martin Mac Donald arrive and we`re all set. Peter reads out details about sweeps/competitions,tees/handicaps/teams etc…great preparation Pete , well done……but of course, the Nooners 1. can`t understand 2. don`t listen 3. Always have a better suggestion !! However, we do eventually arrive on the white tees (as agreed) and look at how far away the green is…and walk to yellow tees instead !!!!!! Golf (loose desciption) is initiated at last…dry day….birds singing..who cares about the bunkers ! balls are lost, putts missed, bunkers are entered and balls are shanked…just the usual stuff in fact I don`t have any real memories of first days golf ! Lunch time (tasteless tomatoe soup !) and six of us are in contention with 32 points or better…pretty good stuff..and we go out for another 12 holes. Brian informs the weary golfers that one of us actually paid their £25 deposit twice (!!!!) what an idiot we agree….they should be punished is the chant !..oh bollocks…it was Rossco…paid early and paid twice !!! Brain decides to buy everyone a drink with the extra £25…..I promise that I will ensure I get my £25 back ! More beer after 12 holes and it`s time for showers/shaves/shits/shampoos ! and change for dinner…. A kitty is set up and I stupidly put in my £20….damn it ..a lost opportunity ! They continue to extract my urine all night. I reluctantly agree to order the wine for the un-educated Nooners three of those Rioja Reservas please…..cheaper than previous years but hey…there is a credit crunch on you know…and I must say..it was rather pleasant….dinner itself was okay……not convinced it was up to previous years heights but still pretty good generally……cheaper red wine ordered once greedy bastards had consumed the good stuff !…why don`t they stick to their Guiness or Red Bull or whatever ????? The restaurant is rapidly emptying (naturally) and by the time we finish our sweets (pudding to some) George is fast asleep in his chair at the table !!!! we sneak off to bar leaving him snoring happily dreaming of sand and oil wells and goats etc ! We can actually hear him snoring from our seats in the bar !!!! He does eventually join us but we`re all so bloody knackered we retire at 11:30 pm…..all of us ! remarkable really….guess we miss Gerry/Gabe etc. My ear plugs work a treat until 5 am when I awake to George grunting/snorting like a stuffed pig and I realise one ear plug has fallen out ! I don`t have the heart to wake him and spend the next 2 hours farting away happily and dosing off. At 7 am George suddenly asks me if I have any spare ear plugs….yes I answer…why ? “cos you could shove one up yer arse to stop you farting and I`ll have couple to stick up my nostrils so I can`t smell them any more !!!” I have to say I took his point and developed a fit of giggles !! Breakfast was a bit tasteless , but that could have been the effect of dry mouth etc ! Anadin is consumed and head feels better ! Peter and Bala arrive after a good nights rodgering, with a kitty glass from previous night £146 quid says Peter……quick as a flash Lilly has his paw in the glass and extricates a £20 pound note!…..£126 now chaps..and it still owes me a fiver ! Do I look like the sort of chap that can afford to lose £25…..there a credit crunch on you know…..and I had to steal the wifes pay packet before she got up on Thurs morning ! Weather is foul and forecast also crap but we head for the course anyway. The four ball and two threes are agreed…and the 4 ball (Brian, Glynn,George,Martin) head for first tee……aye right guys….4 ball can go out last again ! despite much protesting the correct decision is made ! The rain stops after 4 holes and scabby dry golf is endured. The last few holes take their toll on weary legs up and down hills ! Six of get to clubhouse at 13:30…..the 4 ball nowhere in sight??? They eventually appear at 14:25 looking seriously done in ! Peter hands out the prizes (none for Rossco) and Brian is presented with Wooden Spoon. And a refund on his bar bill from my £25 faux pas ! Our thanks again to Brian for not giving a toss and to Peter for the games etc. A provisional booking is made for same dates next year…max number is 12…get your names to Brian asap as most of the regulars will be going again !!! can I suggest a £25 deposit ? Lord Rossco
Nooner's News - 24/11/2007 Darley Dinker takes kitty (again !) 24 th nov
Well, the forecast was for a wet and windy day and yet we had our best turnout for a while of 14 Nooners plus a St Meddans member who was so desperate he would even play with Nooners.(David). A feeble attempt was made to pockle the draw this week but the “pockle police” were alerted in time and an un-tampered lottery took place. As you know I do actually have quite strong views that in general playing groups should be decided in a random fashion other than important summer league ties or someone needs to get away sharp obviously. Brian aka The Bell popped down briefly to confirm that he has organised the Roxburough outing again for last Thurs/Fri in March….he needs to know who is attending…it`s been a great trip the last couple of years as you`ve probably read about. Thanks for setting it up again Big Bella and sorry to hear that you`ve been “no weel “ so couldn`t play on Sat….suspect the fact that it was Darley may have influenced decision. To golf . My 4 ball (second last group !...think I`ll revert to pockling !) And in a re-run of two weeks ago it`s Ross + Peter Vs Steve B + Ian McKenzie. I should mention up front that my back is still a bit twingey although much better than last week. Unfortunately, my golf was no better…in fact it was worse. 10 points on front 9 and eleven on back 9 was pretty poor even on a blustery day. Having halfed the first thanks to Ian missing a 2 ft birdie putt (he is human after all) I faded my second drive OOB …and inevitably repeated the process…once the wind got them they were always heading for rugby pitches ! Might as well get the N/R in early eh ? Peter missed a 2 ft putt on second (wally) and we`re 1 down. Third ?..must have been halfed and we all made a mess of wee par three fourth (never seen the white tee so far forward…it confused us ) and we half in 4`s. Wee bit of fun on 5th as Churchill finds the canyon with his first ball and bushes with his second and mine fades with the wind way to right….we loose the hole to Ian`s six !!!!! Despite my odd contribution we find ourselves 3 down at the turn and Alan Sugar say`s “your fired “ Yorkie. Strong drink is offered on 9th tee and the losing team resist. However , under my steadying leadership, we win 10th, 11th were robbed on 12th and we win 14th to go all square !!! Brownlow has gone to pieces and requires an injection of calories supplied by me in the form of an Alpen bar that’s been in my bag for about 2 years…Steve thought the chocolate was supposed to be white …err No ! So, game on for the last 4 holes and no strokes left. A five gets the half on 15th, as do threes on 16th, and 4`s on 17th. All square on 18th tee (the moral victory is already ours ): Driving into the teeth of a hurricane but we all aquit ourselves reasonably well. Ian Mack is just short of green in two (awesome) Peter + I are on front edge in three and Steve is out of it having spent 15 mins looking for his ball. Ian chips his third to7 feet leaving me and Peter with 30 ft putts for birdie…we`re both 5 ft short…aaaagggghhh. Ian narrowly misses his birdie putt and taps in for 5. Well Pedro, one of these. I decide to miss mine first thus allowing Champion Churchill ( how many people are playing this match ?) to focus on his putt for the half….nae bother…he slots it home ! Nice one Peter. Good result, and good fun on a tough day. Three birdies for Ian and one for Peter. A decent paced round (4 hrs) and only got held up from 15th onwards really. Couple of squally showers but it sure beats the shopping. The Payne clan each got 38 points with the older generation taking the kitty (two weeks on trot) mind you, seeing as he just paps it up the middle all the time the wind doesn`t affect him (so to speak) and with the handicaps of those two bandits what chance have we got…..at least they both got cut ! Peter buys us all a champions drink and is presented with the trophy.
Take care out there Lilly the Pink
Nooner's News - 17/11/2007
Viagra 4 Ball
The place is strangely quiet at
11:00, seven Nooners, a couple of strangers hanging around and that`s about
it . The sky is a tad grey but it`s dry if a little breezy…perhaps the
forecast has put off the whimps ? surely they can`t be in the pub already
for the Italy match…can they ? A pockle free draw and it`s Rossco + Eric Vs Alan P + Churchill Roebuck (or should that be Champion Churchill Roebuck ? but that makes him sound like a pedigree escapee from Crufts !) We meander over to first tee and observe a large black hearse arriving at car park….fecks sake, says Lil, no wonder it`s quiet, some buggers croaked it ! But, wait, it`s Head Nooner in his new brick…I mean car. Good news though, that`ll make up the second 4 ball. I should say at this stage that I am nursing a really sore back and could have done with some of Head Nooners manipulation, but as ever he`s so bloody late he`s no use to me. I convince myself that the pain will ease with gentle exercise of thrashing around Lochgreen though ! I am pleased to get an eight at first,…one down and a nine at second..,Eric gets the half and a seven at the third …2 down and I have Nil point after 3 holes , …more Ibuprofen required ! However, my first half decent drive at 4th gives me hope and I manage a half in five and one S/Ford point. Think we won 5 th hole and the back pain is receeding with every swish and I start playing decent golf at last. At the turn it`s all square so we`re back in there ! 10th Hole…always tricky but I`m 5 ft from pin after my second and Big Al is at top left of green from tee shot….not easy to get it stiff from there Al ?....the old git slots it straight in for a fine two !!! and they win next two holes as well, so in the blink of an eye we`re 3 down ! bugger ! So, another fightback required I urge Eric…and I duff my drive 20 ft on thirteenth ! I can only hack my second shot forward level with big tree on left so not looking good. But, with a majestic 6 iron my third shot just clears the bunkers and rolls gently up to hole where it lips out to 2 inches ! The four is good enough though…back to 2 down and I par the 14th as well …1 down. I look to be favourite for 15 sitting 20 ft fro hole with tee shot but Yorkie does my chip + run shot to 1 foot and I finally scramble the half ! By now, it`s cold, very wet and very windy….not nice at all ! and our waterproofs are struggling ! So, 1 down and the 16th looks tough…but I`m 15 ft from pin in three andPeter is 25 ft away in three…..you guessed it….he sank the birdie putt to wipe the smirk off my visage….my birdie putt just misses…dormie. But, on 17th my second is on green (a fine fade) say 8 ft away and Churchill is approx 15 ft off right edge of green…..the wee bastard chips to 12 inches to get the par and I can only half ! Game over…bring on the tea + chips. My seventeen points on back 9 was encouraging but Alan P wins the kitty with 32 points. Robin was lost in action ? walked in at 12th ???? no wonder having to listen to son of Payne`s jokes for three hours ! A tough day….but the back was much better after a wee swallie of Rioja ….but not next day…..I was crippled ! May be a new Nooner along next week…called Simon (his partner/woman works with Gill) think we could do with swelling our numbers a bit now ! See ya Rossco
Nooner's News - 10/10/2007 Just the nine of us this week ? why ? Poor forecast ?, Darley?, who knows...and who cares ? Sent a four ball out (early) which was possibly a mistake in hindsight but as it was a "no pockling " draw it seemed fair. It`s Lilly + Yorkie Vs Bunny + Super Mac (MacKenzie)
S First Hole : an omen of what was to come. Ian pulls his drive a wee bity left and lands well buried on left humps...Lilly in bunker , Bunny up the diddle as is Yorkie. Lil creams his bunker shot 140 yds so green is easily reachable in two. Mac can only use a wedge to dig ball out so is 200 yds short of green. Bunny + Yorkie sclaff away happily. Shot of day coming up ? Mac `s third is a fabulous draw to 2 feet !!!!! he sinks putt for a birdie which beats my measly par. hmmmmm !1 down. 2nd hole: Peter`s par is beaten by Mac second birdie. hmmmmm ! Group of very slow strangers in front wave us through....gentlemen I say....little do they realise that they`re now going to have Mad Dog Thompson and Navvie MacGuire and Mark behind them ! 3rd hole : Lilly`s par is beaten by Bunnies birdie ! this is getting silly (I was less polite on the day ) 3 down. 4th Hole: Mac `s par good enough to beat our bogeys....four down after four poxy holes..and both Peter + Ross are actually playing well. We finally stop the rot with a half at 5th thanks to our shots. Sixth Hole : Mac is OOB...how sad, wot a pity ! The rest of us are safe enough and three of us do fine seconds to approx 70 yds short of down slope. As we stroll towards the balls a Big Black Crow starts to peck at Peter`s ball and actually starts to move it about. As we get closer Big Black Crow picks it up in it`s beak and flies off with it...actually hovered over the field (OOB) but refused to drop it ! Peter is not happy. "that`s my PRO V"........er more like a "Crow V " now Yorkie ! Ross gets a simple par to win hole and the fightback starts. We win seventh and eighth as well so if we can just take the par three ninth we`re back in business. Lilly shanks his 5 iron into jungle !!!! Peter, loses his ball and we lose to a FOUR grrrr back to 2 down. However, Peter wins 10th, I win 11th and it`s ALL SQUARE. How good does that feel. Bunny has collapsed and even Ian Mac looks like a beaten man.....until he wins the 12th...bugger...oh and the 13th...so before we could blink , all our good work is undone. We never got it back again ! In fact the back 9 holes proved pretty hard as the wind got up and points were hard to come by. We even lost the bye when bugger lugs Brownlow finally put in a guest appearance on 17th (you know , drive on second fairway, but sticks second to edge of green and third to 6 inches !) Despite bunny hitting Harling Drive on 18th , as did Yorkie, the games a bogey. Hard going, nae rain and less than 4 hrs. Can`t be bad. I`m away next Sat ...missing L/Green (bad planning). Nice to see Tam back (he lied) He got 3 birdies and won kitty with 32 points...must be like taking sweeties aff wanes ! (as they say in Glesgae) see ya Lilly
Nooner's News - 23/10/2007 Shot of the Day As you will read in the news below some great golf happened over the weekend, However I think Shot Of the Day has to go to Brian the Bell. The story goes!!! On the first Tee up steps the Bell, his first drive goes 140 yards to the right onto Fullarton, Next shot see's a scuff of 40 yards still on the wrong fairway, Brian then decides he will put the ball back on the correct fairway just in line with the mounds, mission successful & felling like things can only get better Brian pulls out his 3 wood and attempts to smack one down the fairway, focusing on speed rather then the important things like "keeping ya eye on the ball" and "making contact", Needless to say a fresh air shot was taken. In the true manner of the game Brain vented out the anger by whacking his club on the ground, Unfortunately not thinking about it Brian managed to make contact with his golf ball and sent it 50 yards down the fairways back towards the Tee, both his playing partners Gabe and Big Al could not take any more and fell around the floor in hysterics. The following link might give you some idea http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yy-VR4IyQLc Sod It and Dod It: 20th Oct 07:
Yet another dry day and it`s Lochgreen J. The place is spookily quiet ? Old firm game obviously distracting folks ! Nae problem Rossco and first group is Rossco + Roberto Vs Mark + Robin. Hmmm a four ball not for the faint-hearted I would suggest. Bound to be some vicious speech play and banter (and probably some physical abuse as well !) The tricks start on FIRST tee with references to smoke from Marks fag drifting across the ball etc. Ross and Robert both straight up the middle , Mark on right rough and Robin hooks into left rough. Robin hooks second as well into left rough and smacks his third just off right side of green (who needs a fairway eh ?) I`m safely on green in three (easy) and in pole position. Thompson finally manages a good shot and chips to 12 inches for a five which halves the hole with me. Didn`t feel right to me ! Second Hole: I fade one right towards reeds. Provisional hooks wild left…and I mean left …it was on FAR side of Fullarton fairway…..Smart arse English man points out that there must be at least 400 yds between my two balls !!!! (see last week report ) I get an 8 and my partner gets a 7….and they win the hole. My 5 at the third can only manage the half as they take turns at playing well. Not much support from Roberto as yet, but the day is young . So, after 3 holes , I`ve taken my usual 18 strokes but not the boring 6,6,6 I`ve come to love ! Rossco sneaks a five net 4 on 5th hole …which take s it back to one down. No delay as yet and even the sixth was clear….hardly time for a bite of my buttie ! The match continued to be close : I was pleased with my driving, in fact I was pleased with my game in general (apart from second hole). Robert was leaning on me heavily but I was strong enough to cope and it was all square at the turn. SOD (Shot of Day) contender was Robin`s drive at 9th….a monster ! with a touch of draw as well. His 5 iron to green at 11th was equally impressive and the subsequent par was well deserved to go one up (grrrr) and his par at 12th proved another sore one (another huge drive) although I was unfortunate to catch the bunker . So, back to 2 down….all that good work hauling them back and were back to 2 down again !! On 13th hole I was stuffing some “pruch” (Scots word the spelling of which is doubtful) into my bag only to discover that some arse hole has put a beer can into my bag….”you bastard Norman” and I toss the can aside in frustration at being “done” by an English git. However, I cosole myself that I have reversed the terminals on his power trolley leads and he is now having to push the bloody thing around !!! I win the hole as well. 1 down. 15th: I execute a loverly 6 iron chip and run to 2 ft so looks good, but English git slots home a 20 footer for a 3…..my 2 ft putt suddenly looks like 5 feet ! but I pop it in.(phew) It`s all getting a bit tense as I take on the two of them in turn…The Troll ? oh goodness knows ….his sole contribution to date has been to get a half….(which I also got !) but he got it first which is clearly important in the land of the Norwegian Troll. 16th : four good drives but the three “un-thinking” members of our group try to clear the bunker strewn canyon on the right with their seconds….all fail ! Lilly decides to simply “pap” up a seven iron short of the crap. My third goes to 15 ft from pin (smug) but English git sticks his third to 8 ft !!!! However, I SINK MY PUTT for birdie and Git misses his…..all square. Game on. 17th : Straight drives for Roberto + Ross, Robin pulls left, and Mark beds his into GUR. My second is on green 20 ft away and Marks second in bunker…but he gets it out well and sinks his par putt (bugger) and I can only half the hole. 18th : Tension in the air…I remind Mark of his 3 putt on 18th last week to put him at his ease ! Four BIG drives, Robert screws up second,third, etc (wanker) and Robin misses green with his third. Marks third on green but 30 ft away and Lilly does a majestic pitching iron to 2 ft…superbe (SOD contender ). Looks good for free drink eh Rob ? However, inevitably in this match there is another twist and English Git sinks his putt for a birdie……oh shit….Lil now has to sink his 2 footer to half the match. I don`t have to write it do I ?.....I do a “DOD “ (duff of the day ) and it lips out ! (wanker) My partner abuses me for costing us the match and the opposition try to stop rolling about the green holding their sides. Ah well…it was a great match and it was a sub 4 hr round so I`ve got time for a quick drink +a few chips. My 36 points proves feeble cf Wrighty`s 39 points and I leave sharp to lick my wounds ! Result aside..a fab day…… Cheers Lilly …..hey…pink jumper weather approaches !
Nooner's News - 8/10/2007 Eight Nooners: Total Points ?...160 !! Another lovely day, dry,warm, a slight breeze but nothing for Michael Fish to get excited about (20 yrs since great storm !) pity it`s the Darley but you can`t have everything can you ? Pre golf banter? Well , there was
a small advert up for a chap at the pro-shop who did club cleaning with this
“ultra-sonic” bath thingy and as a special one day only offer the price was
right up Lilly`s street…..it was free ! I`m up for that says Lil and handed
over my manky old I offered to get Brian`s clubs cleaned for £2 but he declined my offer ! Needless to say most of us ended up getting our shafts shaken in the bath and we all felt much better as a result. Cards drawn for two 4 balls….clearly some watching the football (wish I had done as well in hind-site) and it`s Lilly + Ian McKenzie Vs Mark + Alaister Payne Mark informed us he has ordered some new clubs…2 inches longer than normal for obvious reasons (bean-pole) and the clubs are designed to “draw” (again for obvious reasons having observed Mark fade/slice wildly for last 5 years !) Trouble is though…today he was still using his old clubs…and guess what ? he has started to hook the ball or at least kept it straight and left…..this should be fascinating when he gets his new ones !!! I reckon Harling Drive could be brought into play when he tees off at 1st at Lochgreen !!!!! Me and my esteemed partner gradually pulled ahead…loads of dove tailing (look dovetailing is when one partner plays badly the other plays well…yes ? well that`s what happened ! the fact that it was always the same partner is neither here or there…and stop being so picky will you ! So,at the turn we`re 3 up and Ian has 20 points…..I have 11, and so do both Mark and Alaister…..difficult to explain why the points were so poor….Ross was driving really well but couldn`t buy a putt all day. Mark was all over the shop…I reckon when his first drive went left and his provisional went right there must have been 200 yds between his balls ! And Alaister ?....ach he`s just crap !....but does hit the ball a long way ! Ian , clearly think of winning the medal, but not wanting to get handicap cut before semi final of summer league was confused on 10th tee and smacked drive into bushes at front of tee…..lost ball and walked off with a seven. In fact on 11th tee we ALL had same no. of points that we had on 10th tee !!!that must be a first ??? Having lost more balls on various holes we shook hands on 14th green . £1 on the bye ? chanced Lilly . Get stuffed ! was the retort. OK then with 4 holes to play , we`ll give you a one hole head start then for £1 ?.....challenge accepted ! all square after 15th ,one up after 16th, but all square after 17th surprisingly ( my partner missed his putt the tosser) So, stood on 18th tee and The Beanpole that is that English Baw-Bag is giving it all the “three big hits and a single putt to birdie the last to win the bye” and I`m filling his golf bag with empty beer cans etc But…Beanpole clenches his teeth (and his bum cheeks) and unleashes a HUGE drive which actually stays on the correct fairway ! the rest of us mere mortals also drive well but not up to his testosterone charged drive. He follows up with another good smacked 3 wood and is on edge of green in two !!! (into the wind). I am on green in three and Ian Mac is as well……Ian suggests that one of us will have to sink a 12 footer to half hole in 4……Lilly points out that Mark is more than capable of three putting from edge ! Lilly + Ross both in for fives……and Mark ? still loaded with testosterone hits his first putt 10 ft past pin, misses return, and flukes the five as well ! No £1 `s change hands. Ian Mac has 35 points…which he already has in October so is hoping that other group has some decent points !!!...no chance : Think their best was 26 points meaning that Ian Mac won by 9 points and gets cut in winter league….all that and a sore back from carrying Lilly all day… stop whingeing MacKenzie and get `em in will you ! Cheers Lilly Ps Clearly having yer shaft shaken 5 mins before playing Darley does nothing for your golf !!!!
Nooner's News - 8/10/2007
Big Elsie Skins Messrs Raynor + Mackillop
Well, what a beautiful day for October ! The only wind about was emanating from The Nooners orify (orifices ? ) and it felt like spring. Despite Lilly doing the “draw” of cards I finished up in the last group which I guess just adds to my reputation of being a fine upstanding citizen. All around we could hear the sound of Swedes, including the putting green area where we had to assert ourselves to actually have our wee match ! “ hey, Olaf… Feck Off out the way ! “ And Margaret (Starter) gave them some friendly advice about not practising chipping by the area as well….The old Scottish welcome is a live and well at Troon Munie ! So, I`m in a 3 ball and Skins are agreed. Despite my best start for long enough 5,5, 4 (yes FOUR !!!) we all have one skin each after three holes. Elsie`s knifed 8 iron to 3 ft on first set the tone as did his jammy putt from 12 ft for birdie on second. He proceeded to ride his luck (and our arses) for the rest of the day and at the turn my hard earned 19 points was simply in adequate cf his 22 points . The skins were still alive at this point with Four up for grabs on the 11th hole.Elsies drive was wild and went on to 14th fairway (first time he`d been on fairway all day) but he knifed (again) a four iron to 15 ft and sank the putt for his third lucky birdie of the day ! and the Skins were virtually over. My game started to struggle on back 9 as did Nigel`s. Did you notice how quiet it was on Saturday ? You could hear from miles away the sound of Nigel rooting about in his bag and clanking his clubs ! you`d think with all those “dog” head covers they would muffle the sound wouldn`t you ? Not much else of any real note that I can remember ? despite the slow round (4.5 hrs ) the Swedes behind us fell behind…they didn`t even reach the 15 th tee when we walked off green yet we had 2 groups of nooners waiting to play 15th on our arrival. Elsie won the kitty with a fine 40 points….only gets cut by two though ???? not that we`ve agreed the winter rules this year ? I had to repay my debt to Eric from 2 weeks ago…..no chance of him forgetting that one was there ? Enough of this….that`s all Lilly
Nooner's News - 8/09/2007
A Wright Royal
Rodgering
Nooner's News - 8/09/2007 Life
In The Old Dog Yet !
a wee story in place of my column this week
Golf Story
Nooner's News - 11/08/2007
Tis Better to
Give than to Receive !
As
regards the rodgering ? as I said at the outset "tis better to give than
to receive".
Rossco back
from hols a day early so could play golf with ra Nooners and to let the good
wife get on with the washing + shopping !
Nooner's News - 16/06/2007
Tams Dirty Little Secret.
After a hectic early morning of time booking and tasks to sort out plus an appointment at 11:00 to sell my dinghy I have to rush to course for 11:45. Thankfully the last group are hanging around as long as possible and I rush on to tee just in time for the last 4 ball. Payne 2 up first..skies his Drive 50 yds high and 50 yds long “at least it`s straight encourages tam). Mark bends his to right as usual. Ross pulls left (not bad for a rushed start) and Tam ?...he pulls badly left…yer actuelle Duck Hook ! Tam duffs his second into hump on left (you know :the one most of reach with our Drives !) Tam`s ball is well buried and we struggle to find it, however ,he locates it….partly under a HUGE piece of dog excrement ! Must have been a great dane as this is one large jobby ! as in a tollie ! Tam is not a happy bunny obviously . Playing shite and in the shite !....he walks off with an 8. I point out that Payne 2 beat Tam and he plays off 25 !...unfortunately Mark wins hole so we`re one down which spoils the moment a bit for me. ( I promise Tam that his Eight will remain our secret !!!) I should also mention that Payne 2`s third shot involved a shank of 80 degrees to that intended which had both Tam and I diving for cover as the ball whizzed past our ears and finished up in bushes to right of green. Tam pulls his tee shot on second to the Fullarton and also sclaffs his second shot again…..this is not the Tam McGuire we`ve come to know and despise …in fact I could actually quite like him ! I get the half with Mark in par 5. Third tee sees Payne 2 top his drive into jungle at front of tee (that's my partner !) and Tam creams his up the middle…aye welcome back Tam , I'm so happy for you ! We loose to Tam's first birdie of day . On 4th hole Tam chips in from edge of green for second birdie and we`re 3 down ..this feels like last week all over again. 5th Hole: halfed. 6th Hole : Payne 2 excels himself and slices so badly he misses gorse on right and ball is in sight on that grassy strip. I cream a 5 wood to front edge ! Opposition are all over the place. Payne 2 hits a superbe chip over gorse to 12 ft….two putts for a 4 net 3 to win hole….fine fellow ! 7th,+8th Holes : uneventful (at least I can't remember them !) 9th Hole (by road ) Payne 2 steps up and fades one heading for road….but there is some doubt about in/out fence…..re-loads and this time makes certain it hits road and gives a huge bounce into Cecchinis garden !. He finds his first and proceeds to hack/sclaff his way through the undergrowth. Up-shot is we`re 4 down at turn ! Payne 2 ?.....you're sacked ! Rossco wins 11th ..back to 3 down 12th
Hole : Payne 2 takes a mighty swipe at ball….it hits heel of driver and
stoats into the very first tree on left of tee….and I mean the 14th Hole: the other three all hit trees on left (wankers ) and I`m sitting nicely on left side of fairway….looks like my hole (can you think smugly ?) Somehow Tam finds his bloody ball and a gap in the trees and finds green…..I casually pull a wedge and hit a tree on left….oops ! followed by a hack into rough and we lose hole. (3 down…buggers) Think I should comment that English Git has been playing rather well and is giving Tam a close singles tie. 15th Hole….we have to win this one …which I do thanks to a fine 12 ft cross slope putt for a 4 net 3…..yes ! 2 down 3 to play ! Tam birdies 16 th to ruin the match and we shake hands. 17th saw Shot of Day (SOD) from Mark ..his second was an eight iron to 6 inches and not even he could miss that putt !. Ardneil ? Mark wins kitty. That`s second week in a row that the opposition have also won kitty..sure they raise their game when playing against me ! Nice to see a new Nooner….smokes, drinks,farts, drinks Stella (4 pints !) and is a crap golfer…just like his Dad ! Think arriving late for golf is a good tactic…..you get less abuse before teeing off !
That`s all for this week…thanks for waiting guys , much appreciated. Regards Lilly Ps He didn`t even buy my boat !
Nooner's News - 09/06/2007
Get Yer Money Out…Tam`s Back
A hot day on Darley with the usual horrible sights in the pre lunch fashion parade. Head Nooner in black shorts and a pink tee shirt. Alan P with white bowling shoes.Rossco in dark navy shorts, white socks and powder blue tee shirt.(very smart) . Nigel…dark navy shorts, black socks !, and what was once a navy tee shirt but had clearly spent too long in the sun ! Tam claims not to have hit a ball for 4 months Nooner's News - 19/05/2007
…be afraid ! and asks if he can play all 3 of us in singles ties as well as usual 4 ball and this is agreed.
Let hostilities commence … Tam bags first birdie at first ………..1 down Tam gets easy par on second………..2 down Tam gets Eagle on third……………..3 down Tam gets par on 4th………………….4 down. Now, I`m me + Robin are playing ok….I`ve got 7 Stable ford points which is a “no bad start” in my world…so I`m a bit vexed at being humped in all this heat ! I wonder about a bit of speech play..but decide against on the basis that wee Glasgow git is in the hunt for a great score for the day. Pace of play is somewhat slow and I`ve eaten my chicken sandwich by now and downed my first bottle of water…..think that`s all my pleasures of the afternoon used up I say ! 5th Tee : With Wrighty et al observing …I duff one into grand canyon ! F*** !!! the others play good drives ! B*******s !! My second ball is majestic of course. Tam puts his second shot into trees on left which came as a shock to us all and I win the hole with him with a seven net 6 against his seven ! Robin gets a loverly par 4 to win the hole against Nigels five.
6th Tee: Tam slices huge drive OOB on right. Re-load…..repeat process OOB on right Re-load…..does it again….OOB on right. Now, obviously this cheers me up a bit, but what is TRULY remarkable is that Tam remains completely calm and merely declares a N/R. He wanders off to fetch his 3 balls and decides to drop one on fairway by the rest of us . He whacks a 3 wood …..and slices it OOB on right again ! Nigel points out that that`s 4 balls on the trot that Tam has hit OOB…must be a record there somewhere. 7th Hole:…Ross wins hole as our fight back begins. 8th Hole: Robin on green in two and Tam in left hand bunker for two. Looks good for us Robin ! Tam sinks his bunker shot !...Awesome ! Robin ?...any guesses ?....(he`s stroking as well !)…..did we win the hole?..No. Did we half the hole ? err…No !....We contrived to lose the hole ! Robin apologises….I inform him that he is a useless piece of pooh ! which seemed to cheer him up….and Nigel thought I should attend a course in diplomacy. 9th Hole: We all screw up but Tam screws up less than rest of us. We`re 4 Down at turn. I resign as captain. I smash my 10th tee shot into bushes and am losing will to live. However, Robin continues to fight and keeps us in the game through 10,11,12. 13th Tee : We find ourselves 5 down with 6 to play and I`m really feeling knackered ? But, Robin screams a good drive just short of river and finally release a decent one as well. I`m on green in three with a 15 ft cross slope putt which we really need to win hole. Guess what ?....I ram it right up them !...I mean I sink the putt. And you know what?..I don`t feel so tired anymore…4 down 14th Hole: Another win for R + R…3 down 15th Hole : Robin takes the glory….2 down with 3 to play…we `re no givin up yet boys ! 16th Hole: Rossco gets a three….but wee Git frae Glasgae sneaks the half..still 2 down 17th Hole Rossco gets par 4…..but Tam gets birdie 3 to win match !...Bugger. Still..we finally made a game of it and took it to 17th green so honour is restored. Tam was brilliant in places (shite in others) and had one Eagle and three birdies. Nigel was Driving superbly. Robin + Ross ? hey , we had our moments and held it together between us ! Tam takes kitty with 35 points despite a couple of N/R`s. Bala came down to inform Tam he owed £20 lottery money…nae problem Bala says Tam..take it oot ma kitty winnings and birdie money ! Get the Barbie on chaps See you on Lochgreen next week (thank golfness) Lilly The Legs
Hmmm…bit of a wild morning…Strong wind and heavy sh owers…do I really want to golf in this weather ?...however, as the morning goes on I convince myself that I should and as per usual the other Nooners turn up for the Jubilee Competition. Full
waterproof gear for me right from the start….(.my glass was half empty ) Times a bit scattered this week with some folks out early but there were three groups of Nooners in a bunch around mid-day . I`m in the last three ball along with Roberto and Nigel. Times are 10 minutes apart which meant that we allowed 1st green to clear before we tee off. We agree to a game of skins between us just to add to the day. Lilly is pretty steady and start first 4 holes with 5,5,6,4. A pattern is developing where Nigel + Robert half a hole and I win the next one outright to take the skins…it`s a fine system I`m sure you all agree ! So I have Four skins after four holes. Fifth hole sees both my opponents stroking and we all get 5`s…another halfed hole ! Sixth Hole : I sclaff my 4 iron short of mound…Robert hooks rescue club way left..(strong wind ) and Nigel sclaffs as well. However , my chip to 12 ft and fine putt for par continues the trend and when Robert asks “how many skins do you have Ross ?” I smugly reply “all of them !” My card looking no bad still and the steady man from Barassie continues with 5,4,5. Wow 3 over par after nine holes (21 point Stableford) in a strong wind as well. And (more importantly) I still have ALL the skins ! A majestic five iron on 10th sees me narrowly miss the two but another par ensues :oh , and another skin…..game over chaps ! As the sun beats down and we get shelter from wind in The Loop..the layers are removed….what a great way to spend the day….even Nigels jokes seem funny ! 11th Hole sees our first hold up of the day. My thoughts wander to red wine and winning the Jubilee trophy etc. We mutter about first Nooner group being THREE holes behind the game in front ! I walk off 11th with my first double bogey six having taken four from front edge !!! grrrrr! 12th Hole : bit of a snap hook and another six. Wobble wobble. 13th Hole: snap hook again …another six !!! Oops , Rossco is losing it…..I try to remain calm and manage to get a par on 14th. OK Rossco , catch a grip…a strong finish and your still in with a shout. We are having to wait to play every shot now which is a shame after such a great early pace of play….Swedes ? not today ! Tumshies ? absolutely ! 15th: I three putt for a five ! 16th Hole…a tough one in wind sees a seven on my card due to poor short game again. Storm clouds are gathering over the sea but we finish 17th hole dry…my score ? who gives a f*** by now ?...lets get in quick before the rain. On 18th tee the heavens open driven by hurricane force winds ! The slow group two ahead are walking to their cars …nice and dry chaps ? I`m so happy for you ! We battle our way through the monsoon to complete the course in 3 hrs 50 mins. I end up with net 78 and 32 points….hey..not too bad given the conditions , but quite a spectacular collapse I think you`ll agree ? Seldom seen Roberto play so badly and even Nigel missed his share of putts. Still, they`re buying the drinks and the chips were fab. Some wally decides we should have usual £4 kitty (suspect the Wally was Head Nooner )….head Nooner wins kitty with a very credible 35 points….nice one DP…feel free to bugger off back to which ever mosquito infested island you were on when ever you like ! See you in a fortnight chaps…..duty calls ! Lilly
Sat 5th May:
Twelve happy Nooners arrived on a fine sunny morning on Lochgreen. Clearly a day for the shorts to be donned and the knees to be exposed, but Lilly was the only one with good enough legs to go for it !
Thankfully I escaped in the first group (having initially had a Darley card in the draw but some of the more honest Nooners kindly entered a Lochgreen card in the draw for me…ta ) My 4 ball : George + Ross Vs Robin + Nigel. My first drive is a bit of a hook….suspect I was distracted by Wrighty making clucking/chicken noises in the background ! (he`s obsessed with my shapely legs). Despite this start I get a par 4 which gets the half. I narrowly miss eagle on second and settle for a birdie to go one up. A mere par 5 on third sees us go two up……some start Rossco….4,4,5…..better than my usual 6,6,6 anyway. We certainly had time to chat/observe any scenery as it was best part of a hour to play three holes…..you just know that Robin is building up a head (?) of steam re slow play and Swedes and eventually he`s going to blow a relief valve or explode all over the tee !!!! But despite this he is playing well himself and they pull one back at 4th. We have so long to wait on 5th tee that we have a game of “petanque or boule” …which Lilly wins . The big match remains nip+tuck as Nigel and George enter the match at random intervals but at the turn we`re still one up and I have 20 points to Robins 19. GG + NJR had less. Rusty nail is distubuted on 10th tee. I get my first “singleton point “of day on 10th. 11th tee : Swedes on fairway, Swedes on green,…Swedes coming back from green to play another ball…..you can picture it can`t you ?.....BOOM !!!!!! Tax man takes unilateral action and blasts one toward the Swedes half way up fairway…..right guys you`ll have to follow my example he hints ! which Nigel does with a cracker up the middle and George does the same…..Lilly ?....I decide to wait in a calm ,collected sort of way !...aren`t the flowers looking pretty in the woods today by the way ? BOOM !!! We win the 11th hole. 12th Hole : The Diplomatic Corps arrive in the shape of George (King of Bling) Guthrie and he explains to the Swedes two groups ahead of us the rudiments of golf etiquette and the possibility of asking the group of Swedes (mixed gender) in front of this group to either wave folks through or even possibly increase their rate of play. He repeated this process with the group in front of us and avoided any physical or abusive language . Think Robin MIGHT have got his message over a little quicker…but the result was similar. I think I detected a minor improvement from here in ???? My personal game was deteriorating in the back nine but was adequate to beat Nigel in singles. The 4 ball remained close but we finally put them to the diplomatic sword on 16th green. Final incident on 17th tee : One of Swedes in front plays his second from GUR on right and sticks it into graveyard. He then starts walking back towards us on 17th tee ??? Clearly he didn`t understand our body language and GG + NJR marched toward the retreating Swedes and explained the subtleties of GUR rule !!! We left the 18th green at 4 :30 pm…..5 hrs after teeing off. Standing around got increasingly chilly for those of us stupid enough to wear shorts and the old windcheater was on going up 16th fairway…..I didn`t have my pink sweater on account of it being May ! |
