Alan asked me to add this to the jokes page and I didn't really want to let him down.
While I don't really have time to look up the Embed tag I'll just give you a link and you can try and run it, if it doesn't work it doesn't work. It's 1.9mb big, so only recommended if you're running broadband.
Hopefully it will work.
Here's a list of Golf Lingo going about I thought I'd share with you and see if you could add some to it.
Just for the putting green:
and my personal favourite:
1 March 2004 - Another joke is added - you would think that after a year of no jokes being added to the site, the one that replaces the one below would be great, well, I'll leave it up to you, but it is from Alan Paynes laughter chamber, so obviously only the highest quality.
Four professionals, an engineer, a chemist, an accountant and a management consultant were boasting about how clever their dogs were.
The engineer said his dog could do something really impressive, so the others challenged him to show them.
'Set Square, come here' shouted the engineer. 'Do your stuff'. The dog waltzed over, picked up a ruler and a pencil, and drew a perfect square on a piece of paper. The others agreed this was pretty impressive.
The chemist also said his dog was very intelligent and offered to show the others.
'Prescription, come here and do your stuff' Prescription ran over to the fridge and took out a bottle of milk. He took a 10ml dispensing measure and poured the milk in exactly to the 10ml level without spilling a drop. Again everybody thought this was pretty cool.
The accountant called his dog over. 'Debit, get to work' Debit ran to the kitchen and brought out a packet of 12 biscuits. He opened the packet and divided the biscuits into 4 piles of 3 each. The others were suitably impressed.
They turned to the management consultant and said 'what can your dog do?'
The management consultant called his dog over. 'Chargeable Time,come here and get to work'. Chargeable Time ambled over, drank the milk, ate the biscuits, relieved himself on the piece of paper on the floor and mounted the three other dogs. He then presented his bill for £10,000, lit a cigar, got into his Porsche and screeched off into the sunset!
30 April 2003 - A joke is added to the site
Well, I had been bombarded with hundreds of jokes, no surprises there, but a combination of my exams and the nature of the jokes meant that none of them got to the site. However, Gerry sent me these today and well, they tickled my slightly odd sense of humour!
Some of the finest double entendres on British TV & Radio :
MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."
Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."
Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."
WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."
ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."
CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."
THE new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away... "My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."
WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."
CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because t! hey were laughing so hard!
US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them .... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"
Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."
Ted Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."
New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
Pat Glenn- Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"
The last one is in the realms of "the bowler's Holding, the batsman's Willey"
From the Lonely Hearts column of last month's 'Ireland's Own' magazine.
Grossly overweight Louth turf cutter, 42 years old, Gemini, seeks nimble sex pot, preferably South American, for tango sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion. Must have own car and be willing to travel.
Following a sad recent loss, teetotal Tipperary man, 53, seeks replacement mammy. Must like biscuits and answer to the name Minnie. Thurles area.
Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area, seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in pints, fags, Glasgow Celtic football club and starting scraps on Patrick Street at three in the morning.
Bitter, disillusioned Kerry man lately rejected by long- time fiance'seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.
Ginger-haired Galwegian trouble-maker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.
Artistic Clare woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach, poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes, seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey. Strong stomach essential.
Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social functions. References required. No timewasters.
Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old b*stard living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady with chest.
Attractive brunette, Macroom area, winner of Miss Wrangler competition at Jolenes Nightclub, Macroom, in September 1978, seeks nostalgic man who's not afraid to cry for long nights spent comfort drinking and listening to old Abba records. Please, Please!
Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8 pm and 11.30 pm.
Optimistic Mayo man 35, seeks blonde 20 year old double- jointed supermodel who owns her own brewery and has an open- minded twin sister.
Current Affairs is Ian's speciality
NEWS UPDATE : woman in texas finds penis in garden. Police confirm it is a shuttle cock.
Space shuttle Columbia's black box has been recovered. Last transmission sounds like "Go on let her have a drive, what harm can it do"
The most requested record in Texas this week is It's raining men !
Ian gave us this offering - 26/2/02
Apparently the only thing that he has had done is his nose!
Some war goodies...
As these apply to golf they will appear on the site in ordinary form.
Cristie Kerr is one of the better LPGA golfers. In fact, Cristie just won the LPGA Longs Drugs Challenge in Lincoln, California this past Sunday!
It was her first win ... and, needless to say, she was quite thrilled.
Apparently the tournament sponsor, Longs Drugs Challenge are
considering a redesign of their trophy.
For the rest of this joke, please see Zack Urlocker's site, it's quite a funny joke.